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The Cruise part II

 

I have been procrastinating  when it comes to packing for this cruise not just packing but also buying clothes taking care of the animals notifying the family and neighbors, just about every aspect of getting ready really. I know I’m suppose to go and have fun but right now I don’t know if I can. It feels as if a big part of me is not going. If I wasn’t out the money all ready I think I would have canceled. I don’t know if i’ll have internet or not while on the cruise so I may or may not be able to post for the next 7 to 10 days. ( moving forward “new normal”) I wished it was easier.

 

Autocharge 

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I've heard they usually have internet, not sure what you have to pay for it though.  Keep preparing and I hope you do enjoy it.  Remember, you're doing this for the both of you since she didn't get to.

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The cruise it’s over.
I added two countries to my list and gained 10 lbs. I ate all kinds of food and deserts(Sea turtle , clams, snails, lobster, muscles,mahi mani, aux tung, and more). It was a cruise for families and couples, they were everywhere and I was alone. This I didn’t expect. They had an hour at 11pm for singles to meet at a certain bar, so I went. Their were three guys and no ladies then one showed up and sat down beside me!! So we started talking and she asked if I was divorced. I responded without hesitation I was widowed. Then it happened like a switch had been flipped, she said “ I’m so sorry” and here comes the petty and the questions along with all the answers and emotions. Then she says she has a "boyfriend "(but she came to a single bar) and says goodby. What do they expect when you get asked 20 questions about the love of your life? Do they decide wether or not they can compete or not, if their is any room left in my hart , am I ready to move on? what is it that they see or feel that I don’t get?
I did see live shows and music everyday, they were quite good. Im used to spending more time in port like 4 to 5 days at a time not the 6 to 8 hours that this type of cruise offers. That is the only complaint I have. Will I do another one? I don’t know.
When I returned home it felt good to be home(returning home has always felt good staying home is hard). I wasn’t home long (almost instantly) and I could feel that she(my wife) wasn’t their but yet she was. How can this be, and will it be this way forever?
Rant over
 
Autocharge (moving forward “new normal”)

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Autocharge, Sounds like your cruise experience turned out decent. You got away from home, enjoyed the shows, music and the food. It was a big step in moving forward.It provided a break from the grieving, which we all need now and then. A change of atmosphere, scenery, activities, people, does a world of good. There are still plenty of things to experience and enjoy in this life. I'm betting your wife's spirit was enjoying it all right by your side.

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I agree, it sounds like a great experience.  It's hard getting used to doing things alone but you should be proud of yourself, you moved past your comfort zone and did it!  As for the girl in the single bar, God only knows what's with her!  There's all kinds, right?!  

While they aren't physically here any more, yet they continue to be with us, I find that a comfort, even if it is just in my heart and memories rather than with me physically.  I do believe he continues to exist in spirit form.

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Andy----"so the isolation is really challenging to me" a Thread that will become known as the "Grief Train" , what an Idea.

KayC---"moved past your comfort zone and did it!" Yes but Im finding that there is a lot of time in one day and its easy to fall back into the isolation.

KMB---"I'm betting your wife's spirit was enjoying it all right by your side."  Let me start by saying I don't want to offend anyone or get into a debate.

I know many if not most ( I'm sure I'm in the minority opinion ) find comfort in Believing(Faith,spirit). I however by definition am an agnostic. I want to find the same comfort that so many have found(it truly sounds great). Its just with me being an engineer and working on computers and robots all my life I find it extremely difficult to Believe. It dose scare me that only family and friends ( mostly me) carry her memories from here on out. I fear with the passing of time I may forget something and thats the last thing I want to happen. So moving forward with a new normal concerns me greatly. the question is How can this be done? What kind of balance is acceptable?

once again I invite all responses and questions. this is forum and the proper place for discussions.

Autocharge (moving forward "new normal")

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Autocharge, Do not worry, I'm not offended by nor will I question anyone's standards of living. To each their own in this life. Just living day to day is hard enough. Our common bond on this forum is grieving the loss of someone dear and special to us. To befriend each other with care, respect, a listening ear and whatever peace and comfort we can provide.

Maybe on your journey in moving forward, you will find new ways of perceiving life, finding doors of opportunity for peace and fulfillment opening for you.  Take care.

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It is hard to believe that you are almost at the one year mark. Has there been any transition from feeling or identifying as married to feeling single?

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4 minutes ago, AceBasin said:

It is hard to believe that you are almost at the one year mark. Has there been any transition from feeling or identifying as married to feeling single?

AceBasin

I still feel married and love my Wife just as much as I all ways have. I live in our home and feel both her presents and her absents at the same time. I'm sure you have read my post on dating. I'm continuing to go on dates , I even have one tomorrow night. Its getting easier to talk to and meet ladies. I still don't want to bring them into our home. Maybe because it would change the memories that I have of only my Wife being in my home. Dose that make any sense? It felt weird doing taxes filling as widowed, Trying to figure out who my emergency contact is now, filling out forms and looking for widowed and getting emotional when I have to check single(almost angry). Your question is a good one it's making me think. I don't feel single, I still carry her memories with me. That said Im trying to convince myself that it is ok to seek a relationship with a lady but I have a ways to go on this in order to feel good about it. I really want to be happy again Im just trying to figure it out its hard.

It will be one year May 25.

Autocharge (moving forward "new normal")

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That has been a tough issue for me. Almost all of my friends are couples. Three have checked in on me this afternoon and evening.

I sure feel married. Until I get to the married couples' functions. I never feel single, and my male divorced friends have interests that I do not have, and never want to have. But, I am starring to feel slightly strange at couples' functions. 

I feel about like the senior in high school whose parents moved across the country during Christmas break of his or her last year of High School. 

My wife repeatedly told me to be happy and remarry and that I would not be happy alone, and gave me specific criteria concerning with whom (general characteristics) I would be happy (and she was right of course if I ever had the desire, which I do not).

 

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AceBasin

I'm trying to figure out were your coming from. I don't mean to pry but If I knew your age and how long its been sense your lost. I might be better able to understand you. I honestly think Age and time makes a difference , when we are grieving.

My Wife and I never had talks like that. We fought and did what was necessary to the end " new normal" is what we called it. I think those kinds of talks would have devastated me. Your Wife and you are right about one thing I think. It is important to be "Happy" at some point in the future.

 

Autocharge

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I am 58 about three months out.  My wife was a very successful very high profile woman.  This is what she told me many, many times: that I must remarry, that I would not be happy unless I remarried, and that she wanted me to remarry and be happy. Each time I would sob and she would say snap out of it. I am not going to list all her requirements on a public forum, but they were mostly that any new wife must like our things and our lifestyle, and be "really, really, good."

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AceBasin

Is that three months from your loss? I did't have time to deal with any family or friends right after my wife passed. I was still working at the time and 5 days after her passing I flew out to California for work and then to Guam, back to California then to Sicily and finally back home just before I retired. It was 6 months before I had to deal with the issues you are talking about. So my situation is a little different, everyone family and friends have moved on and not many check up on me. I am alone in our home most of the time now. I can see that you have the same problem I have. That is that our Wife's have set a very very high bar for others to be compared to.

Autocharge

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Yes, three months ago. I had an active practice, and got thrust into managing all the things she used to handle so well. She was really mad when she saw her name in Forbes.

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AceBasin

Three months is not a lot of time. I know it doesn't feel that way. I do understand about picking up the slack. You see with me traveling I relied on my wife to manage the House and Kids. I had to figure out how to do it all, while on the road so to speak. This included getting all the affairs in order(lawyers, attorneys, accounts). All via Email and mobil address, what a nightmare. I just got 99% of every thing done and its just about a year now(things move slowly sometimes). All I can say is focus on one domino at a time if possible.

Autocharge

 

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Al of those dominoes, legal, tax  and accounting I have cleared. I do them everyday. It is the transition and relationship issues over the first year I was curious about. My wife managed business assets, and that is under control.

It is just this change from married to single that I find strange. I do have a large network and supportive friends that invite me to many activities and make occasional introductions.

You are right, that three months is not much time. I start support group next month and I could not have done it earlier..

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19 hours ago, Autocharge said:

Its just with me being an engineer and working on computers and robots all my life I find it extremely difficult to Believe.

My son has engineering degrees both in mechanical, electrical, and computer, for robotics.  He believes.

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AceBasin

Good luck with your support group. As you have read my previous post you can see from this point on everything is new. Knocking down those walls (barriers) is difficult, facing fears and emotions at every turn.

Autocharge 

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KayC

You must be proud of your son. Both of my kids tried to get their engineering degrees but had trouble with the science. My son will graduate this xmas and my daughter two years later.

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On 4/20/2017 at 10:27 PM, AceBasin said:

It is the transition and relationship issues over the first year I was curious about.

First of all this is my experience that I'm shearing. I'm not an expert or a Dr. in any way.

I made it to a second date with "Lady 5", dinner and movie. We held hands and sheared an arm rest. Thought out the movie "Going in Style" I couldn't help but notice how she laughed at funny scenes. It was more vocal then my wife had ever been. which is ok but different. I didn't get panic attacks while we held hands. It didn't feel as if I was doing something wrong. I liked it. Just the touch of another woman was comforting. I do wish it had been my wife, in thinking about it Im getting sad now. I'm starting to feel like I'm being pulled between to realities the past and the present. I think often what is going to happen on one of these "dates" that some woman is going to want to take it to the next level. I don't know if shearing those thoughts and feelings/emotions on this forum is right or wrong. Time will tell. Can I build another relationship similar to the one I had with my wife? Can it even get close? Theses are my questions now....

Autocharge (moving forward "new normal") 

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Autocharge, I have been sitting here reading posts and have been debating on replying to yours. I understand about you wanting to move forward. We are given no choice in the fact that life itself is constantly moving forward and we have to go along with it or forever be hovering in our current state of grieving.

I was curious about what you are saying about building a relationship with another that is similar to the one you had with your wife. Your wife was a unique person and you loved, respected and admired her for her own qualities. Another woman is also going to be unique and I wouldn't think it fair if you were looking for someone just like your wife. You could be looking forever, your wife was one of a kind, and your self esteem would be constantly taking hits. I respect you for getting yourself back out there socially and dating. Loneliness is a catalyst for that action, I understand it.  I was curious if this is something you really want to do or if you feel that you need to date to prove to yourself that you are moving forward?:

 

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3 minutes ago, KMB said:

I was curious if this is something you really want to do or if you feel that you need to date to prove to yourself that you are moving forward?:

You are correct I do want what I have lost. For true love is the most additive thing imaginable. So in one sense I'm a addict. I'm not looking for an equal to my wife for I know there was only one. I'm hoping to get close. So yes the bar is set high. I'm not trying to prove anything to any one even me. I feel the need to not be lonely or isolated. The need to establish a new base and then move forward from their without loosing the past. It's hard to explain even harder to put in to words but with out a new base their is no plan. Without a plan their is no path forward.

Autocharge 

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I agree. Our spouses did set the bar high. At my age though, I have no interest in dating. I know that no one could match up to my husband. No matter how lonely I get, it will always be my husband that I yearn for.  I don't believe in that cliche' that we have more than one soulmate in this life, at least not for me. I don't see how that can be possible when you see how many soulmates are fortunate enough to go into their elderly years together.

Everyone is different in their thoughts and ideas which is how it should be. If we were all alike, this life would be boring and mundane.

I respect your beliefs and thought pattern. You need a base and plans. Structure and organization. I'm still an emotional mess and floundering my way through. A constant work in progress. My path forward is to go with the flow and see where life takes me. It all works out as it is meant to for each of us. I didn't *plan* on meeting my husband. I believe it was destiny putting us together at a time in our lives when we needed each other. My husband and I set our base, our foundation, together. I will continue on with my life by the use of our foundation and keep building on it for my own survival.

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2 minutes ago, KMB said:

At my age though,

May I ask how old? This is to better understand everyones point of view because were all at different points in are life.

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