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      Advertisements   09/05/2017

      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie

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KMB   

Autocharge, Maybe you could look at your grieving and wanting to move forward from a different perspective? Consider a grief support group? They are not set up for pity and sympathy. That is a preconceived notion. A support group would give you an opportunity to meet people who are going through loss. different types of loss and at varying stages. These people share their stories and questions and concerns. The support coordinator discusses and gives coping skills, advice and suggestions. Maybe you could give it a try?

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KMB

Thats an Ide. I'll look in to it. Thanks.

It's surprising how I feel watching this thread grow ( I'm proud of it).

Autocharge

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The Dinner part II

 

I’v been seeing this lady for about 5 dinners now. The other day she starts flirting with me and I politely reminder her that I’m not ready for a relationship. So she says thats the way its got to be when she wants to be with someone (I respect that) and she side she was sorry to hear that and “Broke up with me”. This morning she calls and wants to talk over dinner tonight. I agreed but I still don’t want a relationship at this point and don’t know what to expect tonight at dinner.

Stay tuned.

 

 

Autocharge move forward (new normal)

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Marcel   

Autocharge,

I'm not sure if you are aware of what you're trying to do. You can plan your exercise or your nutrition. You can plan your finances, buying a house or starting a family. I'm the most rational person you can imagine. Might be close to borderline autism. But I can tell you, you can't make any plans for your emotions.
It really sounds like a major stage of denial you're in.
After such a loss, you can't just wipe it off and start making new plans. Every plan needs a foundation, and that's what is lacking after you've lost a loved one.
I can only recommend to take some time for yourself and just listen deep inside yourself. You may not get an answer for the future there, but you may get a feeling of where you are right now. And I suspect you're still far away from any "new normal".

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Marcel --- "I suspect you're still far away from any "new normal"

You are correct, I'm trying to find my new normal. I have no idea what it is or what it looks like. I'm the last person to set idol and do nothing that is whats frustrating. I should be doing something all that is gone now. I can see my capabilities and am astonished I do nothing with them(my motivation is gone). My thought process is to get through the stages of grieving and I will have found my "new normal". you mention a "foundation" just what is this. My wife was my foundation and if I don't want to replace her how am I to make a new foundation. I must fill it with something other then her? Maybe thats what i'm trying to find? I actually had a dream and woke up with a quote " without a plan their is no path Forward " maybe these things are related. So far as taking time for my self I can't possible take any more then I have right now. I have been retired sense November of last year. I'm at home in the house or outside but all this is not enough(yes things need to be done here and their but nothing of importance ). Were I am now that is another good question I can go in any direction do any thing yet I do nothing?

Autocharge

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KayC   

I hope she doesn't continue to push for something you're not ready for, you're in a really vulnerable place.

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The Dinner part III

 

It was cordial we ate our meal then got in to the talk. She said I was the one for her and she’s not looking to date anyone else. I told her I wasn’t ready and I didn’t want a commitment or a relationship at this time.  She later texted me with “ Thank you for your honesty I really do appreciate it more then you could ever know” .

 

What did I learn from this? I’v got to be more careful about who I see. They are people to, and quite possible looking for something different then I am. Even with me being up front and hiding nothing. That wasn’t enough, I couldn’t make her believe me. She thought if she moved slow enough I would warm up to her. I can’t control other peoples thoughts.

 

 I like getting out and going to dinner. It’s getting easier to meet ladies. I don’t have wild out of control thoughts and emotions as much as I did the first time( almost panic attacks ). I do see them for who they are and what I like or don’t like about them. I will always compare them to my wife for she is all that I know right now. Thinking about it My wife had all the qualities that I loved, so why wouldn’t I look for them in a lady.

 

 Am I done dating No. I don’t see it as dating more like meeting ladies because my intentions are different now from when I was a young man.

 

I’m looking forward to everyones comments and suggestions.

 

Autocharge 

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AceBasin   

Many of the health care professionals will refer a widower encountering such issues to a female psychologist or psychiatrist about the age of the patient's wife. There are multiple benefits to that. It may provide you with more insights than self-help is able. 

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AceBasin   

It can provide you with a woman the age of your wife to have in depth and meaningful conversations with in a professional setting. You can discuss things you would never be able to at a dinner table with someone you just met that may be looking for a relationship. She can also explain the best ways to identify and maintain friendships with women, and perhaps how to find and handle such relationships where both parties are happy. Of course, they are trained to identify any other areas that may need assistance. It is a very frequent and helpful recommendation. 

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AceBasin------" someone you just met that may be looking for a relationship"

 

Your right, this lady is looking for a relationship. I have told her that I’m not ready and not looking for a committed relationship . I am going to see other ladies and yet she replies “ I’m not ready to give up yet and we can still be friends “. I’m fine with being friends but I have my reservations about this. We will see. I will do whatever I want to do for i’m growing as a new me and I can see this now. I don’t want to hurt anyone (ladies) during this time. I now think dating dose help with the loneliness but dose not fill it completely ( 20%). I think if I turn my attention to activities and hobbies (80%) this would be best. It’s hard taking on a “Me first” attitude, for the past 22 years its be my family first no mater how difficult it was. Now my kids are mostly grown (in collage) and my wife is no longer here (empty nester to the extreme ). It’s Hard.

 

 

Autocharge  (moving forward “ new normal”)

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AceBasin   

The loneliness is the toughest part. There is a saying that a divorced man's pockets are filled with phone numbers but a widower's pockets are filled with tissues. 

Work, hobbies, volunteering, exercising, and classes are helpful. But, there is always that deep, sad, loneliness on the quiet mornings or evenings when someone that used to know your every thought is not there, or when you read an article you would have each shared, or an adult child does something and her response would have been "I saw that coming." There is just no filling that void.

That is one reason that a physician friend and I are forming a local widower's group. It is not for recovery stage talk or therapy, but a way to have a network of friends with shared experiences who also have empty areas in their days. A few could decide to have breakfast on Saturday morning, or go to a restaurant on occasion. I have been able to talk with more widowers on this group than I know locally, and it seems like most of us on this group have about 80-90% of the same feelings and experiences.

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Andy   

AceBasin, the loneliness is terrible, it just underscores our loss. I participated in a local car show today. It was good to get out, good to distract myself, but my wife's absence is so powerful, it casts a "shadow" over everything. I realize that nothing or no person can "fix" this, no amount of self indulgence or somehow thinking that anyone can rescue me from my grief. I will not run from it, I will not mask it with superficial facades of wellness. I've realized that to process this in a healthy way requires facing this, and accepting my world, like it or not. I am very lonely, I'm scared and afraid, and that's how it's going to be until I learn to live with my sorrow. It will not go away, and that's ok. My love for my wife will also never go away, and that's more than ok. I think the group you and your friend are forming is a great idea, allowing widowers healthy ways to spend time, to adjust to this new life with others who are in the same place, it's a wonderful thing. And it may not be specifically for "therapy", but I'm willing to bet it will be more than a little therapeutic. 

Andy

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The Final break up (I hope)

 

This is the text I got from this lady that has now “broke up” with me 3 or 4 times now depending on how you count.

C&P

“I think you are a super sweet man and I am open to see what you are all about but I have to say that my question just now opened my eyes a lot your right I am not what you are looking for and I feel as though someday I could have been but it's too early to tell. I am a very open and honest person I am who I am and maybe someday you might or might not have realized that. I only wish you the best in your endeavors. Be safe my friend this is where I say good bye”

 

 Ok at this point I’v had enough so I blocked her number in my cell phone and blocked her on the dating site. This is suppose to stop any possible harassment from her. This dating thing can have all kinds of consequences. I have gone out to dinner with a couple of more ladies and I have noticed that I no longer have panic attacks or out of control emotions. Facing such challenges is difficult but I think necessary in order for me to move forward. I wear my combined wedding rings on my right hand and have showed ladies the pics of my family (Children and wife) in my wallet. I have realized that I don’t have to hide any thing , for my wife will always be apart of my family and life, Anyone I meet will have to recognize that before a second date can happen. 

 

Autocharge (moving forward “new normal”)

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AceBasin

20 minutes ago, AceBasin said:

Are the women you are going out with divorced, widowed, or never married?

 Divorced for one reason or another but never through any fault of their own( that strikes me as a little funny). I have received msg's from widowed ladies saying they were sorry to hear of my loss, but they were to far away from my location to date. Most everyone age 35 to 55 has been married at least once.

Autocharge 

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AceBasin   

That is interesting. Almost all of the widows who have post here do not seem as if they would send texts such as those you received and would be more understanding.

There is an expression I have come across that says a divorced man's pockets are filled with phone numbers, and a widower's pockets are filled with handkerchiefs, so there is probably a general difference between divorced and widowed men and relationships as well.

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KayC   
10 hours ago, AceBasin said:

there is probably a general difference between divorced and widowed men and relationships as well.

I would agree.  If they haven't been widowed, they have no idea what it's like.  I'm sure there's some understanding divorced people out there, but I'd say you'd probably have better luck with widowed people as they "get it". 

Note* If someone broke up with me, I wouldn't give them 3-4 more chances to do it again.  It seems she said it all.

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KayC   
10 hours ago, Autocharge said:

 Divorced for one reason or another but never through any fault of their own( that strikes me as a little funny).

That's actually revealing.  Most relationships take two to make it and if no one is accepting responsibility, they haven't dealt with it yet and it's now baggage.

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KayC

4 minutes ago, KayC said:

I would agree.  If they haven't been widowed, they have no idea what it's like.  I'm sure there's some understanding divorced people out there, but I'd say you'd probably have better luck with widowed people as they "get it". 

Note* If someone broke up with me, I wouldn't give them 3-4 more chances to do it again.  It seems she said it all.

On the 3-4 chances thing, It may have been me for I think I wanted to see how she was thinking and why she keeps bringing her self back. You can read her texts and to me she was holding on to hope and the possibility of change on my part. These are very strong thought processes to over come/give up on. But yes 3-4 times was probably  not best. I'm not a rough and callus person, perhaps even to nice . At least in the last text it looks like she is comfortable with "her decision" to brake up.

Autocharge

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KayC   

It sounds like she was hoping to change you or at least your mind, and that doesn't work.  That's a common mistake a lot of people make.

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The Cruise

I going on a Cruise (7 day)!! One of my old work buddies is going with me. I'm hoping to have fun, its been so long sense I'v had fun. A cruise is one of the things my wife and I had talked about but never found time to do. I hope is not going to be to hard ( doing things with out her, new memories, moving forward "new normal"). Even writing this I'm experiencing emotions that I must deal with. It's hard.

Autocharg (moving forward "new normal")

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KMB   

Autocharge,  I do hope you have fun on your cruise. We all need a break from time to time to get away from our comfort zones, immediate environments. We need breaks to help us from allowing ourselves to stay in the all consuming throes of grieving. You and your wife didn't have time for a cruise. This opportunity could be a sign from her that it is now the time. She'll be with you in spirit.

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KayC   

You will have to experience it for both of you. 

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