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    • ModKonnie

      Advertisements   09/05/2017

      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie

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15 hours ago, Autocharge said:

I understand what they did but it also was extremely hard for me.

It's okay to feel it was extremely hard.  We can't push away our grief, filling our lives with other things to wipe it away, we must allow ourselves to sit with our grief, to feel it, even the pain, for all of that is part of our processing, which takes much much time.  We will always miss them.  

And it's also just as okay to experience your time with Carla on its own merits, just as valid a love, even while grieving your wife.  We can hold more than one love within our hearts at the same time.  Are we not able to do that with our children?  I know, it's a different relationship, but it's not disloyal to love when your spouse is gone...it's human.  It's damned hard to do this journey alone.  I have elected to, not because I refuse to consider the alternative, but because I have a hard time believing, I mean a REALLY hard time believing there could be someone out there that I could have a relationship with like I did George...our relationship was so wonderful, we got each other, we clicked from the beginning, we had such love and respect for each other!  But if you can find and have that again, go for it.  It's very hard going this journey alone, day in, day out, the rest of our lives.  I'm in for a long haul...

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The Center

There is no doubt my wife was the center of the family as I look at a picture of her 40th birthday. I had such fear that year. I just knew it would be the year We lost her, leaving me with two young kids to finish raising. I was wrong she made it to her 51st birthday. My son graduates college this Dec. , My daughter is trying to join the local police force and My work is taking me to Oklahoma City . The family is going in different directions without a center now , I worry about this . What does the future look like ? The holidays will never be the same I question whether or not we will come together for the holidays .Will we be able to come together, work schedules could get in the away I guess that is Life, part of growing up, doesn't mean I have to like it . I think we would have all made a larger effort to come together if she was here. For she is the center of the family No doubt about it . Halloween now Thanksgiving the house doesn't get decorated anymore I miss it but I don't have the strength to do it . Things are changing and I don't like it but I guess it's the new normal now . I don't feel the sorrow or the sadness that I did during the first holidays without her but the emptiness is still there . The center is not here to hold us together for the holidays. Things will never be the same.

 

Autocharge(moving forward “new normal”)

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2 hours ago, Autocharge said:

. Halloween now Thanksgiving the house doesn't get decorated anymore I miss it but I don't have the strength to do it

 

Autocharge(moving forward “new normal”)

I understand that. We have thousands of dollars of decorations in color coded, meticulously labeled tubs in the garage and still all I could manage was to buy a couple pumpkins for the front porch. My wife even made wreaths for each holiday and I haven’t been able to change that since she died either. My center is gone as well 

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No, Autocharge, sadly the holiday season will never be the same without those whom were the centres of our lives.  

When our kids were around the ages of yours, we were empty nesters with some were already overseas or living elsewhere making their own way in life, and couldn’t be home for the festive season.  As they settled down and had their own children, we came together again more often and our time together was even more special and fun.  I hope you’re able to look forward to times like that occuring in the future :)

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On 4/5/2017 at 9:52 AM, KayC said:

I would agree.  If they haven't been widowed, they have no idea what it's like.  I'm sure there's some understanding divorced people out there, but I'd say you'd probably have better luck with widowed people as they "get it". 

KayC, I was reviewing my thread when I found your quote. It turns out you are more right then you could have possibly imagined .Carla and I have been seeing each other for almost 6 months now she is a widow of 5 years has two kids roughly the same age as mine she lives 4 miles from me . She is a year older than me and we understand each other tremendously . Although I didn't use your advice in the efforts to find Carla, It turns out you are right. Widowed people get it.

 

Autocharge (moving forward”new normal”)

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4 hours ago, M88 said:

 I hope you’re able to look forward to times like that occuring in the future :)

M88,  It sounds nice. only time will tell.

Autocharge

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Autocharge,

Things change in time regardless of what direction life takes us.  Years ago I never would have imagined that my kids' dad and I would have divorced after 23 years of marriage, or that I'd meet and marry my soulmate and best friend, or that I'd lose him just a few years later to a heart attack, his physique was perfect, you can't see what's going on inside a body.  I'd never imagine that my kids would marry and quit coming to my house for holiday meals, as soon as my son married, him and my DIL started hosting ALL the family meals, even though I can't drive at night and live in snow country so I miss half of them.  I miss the old days but they are gone.  For years it was me hosting everyone...

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What a Year

What a year where to start I had three water leaks lost a refrigerator and lost a freezer that included 350 lb of meat and that's just the house. Had to make a midnight run to rescue my daughter from college , Just to see her return the next semester. Had the transmission in her car fixed just so she could wreck it 2 months later. Now she wants to quit college and become a police officer. My son graduates this December without enough credits because of the college.  He has to return next semester to take two courses and he should feel thankful because "they're" going to let him walk Across the stage this December. I took my first civilian cruise out of Galveston must have been good because I'm planning on taking another cruise this February.  I meet Carla this year, we have now been seeing each other for 6 months. Work called me up and convinced me to come out of retirement, so I now have a job that in the end is going to take me to Algeria for 3 years . I found myself at the little league playoffs in waco texas for a week, and in Houston for a week during Harvie rescuing people. I went rafting down the Brazos river and Kayaking in Oklahoma. I vacationed in Idaho, Washington, California, and Mexico (Lapaz). Jumping out of an airplane at 13,000 feet and driving the Bahaj were two of the best highlights of the year. I cleaned up most of the shop and managed to get a woodworking project in but not completed (my headboard for the bed). I had 3 calves this year and sold all 10 of the cows to my neighbor.  At the time I thought I was bored and had nothing to do during my retirement. Looking back, I didn’t have enough time and planning anything else if I had wanted to would have been impossible. What a Year.

 

Autocharge (moving forward “new normal”)

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Your year has definitely been eventful!  Good luck to your daughter and to your son!  When do you leave for Algeria?

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Glad life is keeping you busy.   I'm a bit different and tend to be "in the middle of the road" -- that is, to not sit at home and do anything, but at the same time, not really up for doing spontaneous/adventurous things.   But I'm glad you're doing whatever it takes to "process" your grief.   

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The L word

Last night after a Christmas party at Carla's work she told me “ I love you “.

She was emotional almost in tears and also said ” I wasn't expecting this when I met you “.

A moment passes I say “okay” a moment of Silent passes and I say “we're good” that's all I could think of . This morning everything seems normal but now I worry about how do I respond if she says it again. I'm confused about how I feel .

 

Autocharge (moving forward “new normal”)

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You care about her.  You enjoy her company.  You may even love her.  It's not the loving her part that you're not ready for, it's the saying it.  It's not dishonoring to your wife to have a new relationship.  Your wife would probably even encourage it if she could but tell you; after all, she cares and doesn't want you lonely and unhappy.  But you don't need her permission, even though you likely have it, you only need your own permission.  It's okay for you to love.  I know, it's all a bit confusing.  We can love different people for differing reasons, all of them valid, but we're in a monogamous culture and believe in only one of that kind of love at a time.  And that's right...unless one of them is dead.  Then it's different.  We never stop loving the one we lost.  Any relationship we have after that is in addition to and does not replace that love.  It is different, being widowed instead of divorced.  Divorced, we get over, widowed, we don't.  And even then, like with my kids' dad, we were married 23 years, I still have a love for him, I always will...I'm not IN love with him, I don't wish him back with me, Lord knows it was hard enough to live with him all those years, but I do care about him and we have many shared memories together, I can't just stop feeling for him just because we didn't work out.  But it's not the same as it was with George either...with George, it was IN love, completely and wholly, and it was perfect for me, perfect for him.  I've never seen a relationship like that before or since, our communication was great, we related to each other, we treated each other with complete respect, no one controlling, we were great together and completely loving.  If I could have another relationship like that I'd be on cloud nine, but I don't hold out hope for it, I don't date, I don't meet anyone who even deserves to be on the same planet with him.  

But you, on the other hand, have met this wonderful, understanding woman, you have this great relationship.  Don't worry about being able to reciprocate right now, if it's right, it will be, and she will wait for it.  But on the other hand, don't do anything or NOT do anything that might send her packing.  Hold onto her and appreciate her.  Love, however, whenever it comes, is so precious, so valuable, it's to be embraced and enjoyed.

I'm truly happy for you.  She will say it again, because she feels it and she means it.  And when the time is right for you, you'll be able to say it back.  Part of you isn't ready, part of you is holding back.  But I believe it will come.

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