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My experience !

Were do i begging ? I'll start with a summary for those of you that don't like a wall of text :) and can expand from their as the thread develops.

My wife of 22 years died May 25 2016, after battling Breast cancer for 16 years. We raised two kids and saw them gradate and go on to collage. I'm retired now at the age of 45 my wife was 51.

I would love to answer questions and frankly it helps me to talk about it.

Her battle :  diagnosed from the onset stage 4 ( 20% chance of survival for 5 years) , My son was in third grade and daughter was in first grade.

                  Mastectomy right side and chemo and radiation ( with hair loss)  : second year reoccurrence , metastasis to bones again chemo and radiation ( with hair loss)  : 7 years later more metastasis to bones again chemo and radiation ( with hair loss)  : 6 years later metastasis to bones again chemo and radiation ( with hair loss)  : 1 year later metastasis to spine    (c4) Quadriplegic four months later deceased.

We were living the dream even with cancer in our face all the time. Both of us had careers and made a good living. We had reached the point were she was traveling internationally with me and my work while she worked from the internet ( seeing the world and getting paid to do it). We were in Guam when the last reoccurrence happened. The doctors advised us to get off the Island as soon as possible (just after having family gathering for xmas in Guam). I used up all my vacation, sick time, and FMLA that was available. I had to return to work in order to keep the insurance turned on. I made a few trips per month to the west coast and back for two months (flying back on days off , 8 on 6 off schedule ) We managed to get a Road trip in to Mount Ruershmore and back ( the hardest thing her mother and I have ever done). It was close to the end by now all of us could fell it. I flew out for another week of work, it wasn't 24 hours later she passed. I never saw my wife again, she was removed from my home and cremated before I could return. We never talked about the end, we were fighters to the last ( just another "new normal").

I stand today  Alone : Sad : and with no purpose 

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KMB   

I am so sorry for the rough, hard road you and your wife endured. You and her endured it together. A testimonial to your love and devotion. True soulmates who traveled through life coping with the good and bad times. And raising children through it all. God saw the strength of your union and gave you much to accomplish amidst the adversities. He knew what he was doing. Now, you have to keep that trust and faith that He will show you a new path. You and your wife's story is not finished yet. Someday, you will be with her in eternity. No more pain, suffering and adversity. Your wife's earthly journey is done here, but, you will find your own way in time. I know how hard this is. We are sad, lonely and don't know what to do. All we can do is take one day at a time.

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your the third one to to say "A testimonial to your love and devotion" or something similar like "It says a lot about you". It was nothing their was no choice its what should be expected in a marriage. Yes from my first post on this site I stated I was trying a dating sit to fill the loneliness that I'm experiencing and it had consequences it turns out that they are people to. I learned I was not ready and playing with my emotions is more dangers then playing withe a loaded gun (metaphorically speaking). I did a lot of computer work at one time and saw the screen in front of me as an interactive role playing super computer called the internet. Sounds good until it jumps out of the screen and into a restaurant ( what a disaster that was). Iv read up on the 5 steps to grieving and what frustrates me the most is there are no definitive answers, I'm not use to that. Everyone on this site is right , It hurts bad (the loss). even now I sit in a quite sound less living room typing on this key board asking why I can't find my purpose my motivation.

ok enough for this rant.

 

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Francine   

 

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Your thread was beautifully written and touched my heart so.  It is so evident that she was a beautiful person both inside and out and meant the world to you.  So apparent that you love and miss her and she was a loss for all those who did not get to experience her presence.   My heart is heavy for you; I know the pain all to well to lose your best friend, your lover, your whole world, your life.  

I know that she was your world and you can shed tears that she is gone, or you can smile because she lived.  You can close your eyes and pray that she will come back, or you can open your eyes and see all that she left.  Your heart can be empty because you can't see her, or you can be full of the love you shared with her.  You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday, or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.  You can remember her and only that she's gone, or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.  You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back, or you can do what She would have wanted you to do, Smile, Open your eyes, Love and Live.  The two of you will meet again, only this time, it will be forever in eternity.  That, my friend, is going to be amazing.  

Even though we feel we sometimes cannot bare this pain, know that God will never give you more than you can take;  HE may let you bend, but HE will never let you break.  HE doesn't give you what you think you can handle, HE helps you handle what you are given.

My prayer is for you to have a day free of anxiety and that you will be able to give your worries to God and HE will give you peace.   May HIS perfect love cast out all fear in your life.  I also pray that God's loving comfort will fill our hearts and help us regain strength and confidence in Jesus name.

I hope you continue to post; there are many wonderful people on this forum who are not afraid to share their stories as well as give you comforting words, support and encouragement.

God Bless and keep us safe!

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Thank you.

I hope this thread serves two proposes . 1 I am able to vent. 2 It would be nice if someone could gleam just a touch of insight from my rants.

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As I said in one of the above post this thread started as the result of me trying to answer one question.

Below is a C&P  of my first post on this forum.

 

Tineke Tjepkema,

I lost my wife of 22 years this past may. Its been 10 months, I'v been veery busy insuring that all our affairs are in order. I retired came home to get the kids through collage. when looking back I can see that Iv taken very little time for me. I am very logical person (I worked with computers to long). I have tried to push my self through the grieving process, thinking that if I can reach the final step I will feel better maybe even happy. I have pushed my self to go to online dating sites, talk to and even meet ladies. It was extremely difficult in every way (I talk about that later). What have I learned: I still miss my wife and their is no replacing her, their are real people out their with real life's that I'm not ready to be apart of. nor do I want them to de apart of my family. I have little to no motivation for doing any thing even tho I am capable of doing almost anything. I to want this grieving to end and I will continue to look for answers to unanswerable questions, it's what i do. so the short answer to your question is How do I feel after 10 months: Lonely : Sad : and with out purpose.

Sorry If I'm to abrupt 

 

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2nd C&P

 

I don't want to derail this thread. Thanks for your reply. From the threads that iv read so far one thing seems to be reoccurring in most of them. Everyone is looking for answers. it's to bad theirs not a one answer fit all. maybe people on here can find something that they can relate to but understand that every experience is unique. I just saw the question of "how did you feel at 9 months?" and Im at 10 months so I thought I could answer just one question out of the many questions out their.

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end

 

Ok this brings all of my postings to date to this thread. I don’t want to ask questions all ready knowing the answers are wide and various. Just maybe I can keep my posting to my experiences and my efforts (good or bad) to moving forward.

I know my wife would like that, keep fighting( new normal).

 

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KayC   

Autocharge,

What a tough road, and yet it sounds like the two of you lived fully in as much as you were able.  My MIL was my best friend and she went through double mastectomy and made it five years, we celebrated too soon, it hit her live, bones, spread throughout her body.  She was bedridden the last three years I took care of her, and she passed 28 1/2 years ago...I have never forgotten that time, it was hard, but it was also a special time.  You find out what's important, that's for sure.

I hope you are able to take some time for you...to grieve, to find purpose, to build a life you can live.  It takes time, it takes great effort, it took me years but eventually I got there.

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KMB   

Autocharge--- Your pain does come through in your posts. We understand. The pain is with us constantly. You mention the 5 stages of grieving. Those are just general guidelines. There are many stages and many emotions. Sometimes we can be coping with more than one stage at a time. This process is very individualized. A person can be stuck in a stage or two for a very long time. It depends on the effort you want to put into helping yourself. We do have many questions but we also know the downer of never finding concrete answers. When it is our turn to pass from this life, it is then that the answers will be revealed. You'll find a purpose for your life someday. We have to have patience and time will unfold as it is meant to. You are at 10 months, just like a friend of mine. She's not on this forum. She is too afraid of becoming a member. After she lost her husband, she was reduced to living with her son. He doesn't allow her to grieve. She sits in her room all day crying into a pillow so she can't be heard. She only has access to a worn out Kindle that she sends messages to me on. She has to delete our conversations so her son doesn't find out. I feel so sad for her that her son is so controlling and she isn't allowed to talk about her husband and grieve in an easier way.It just goes to show that everyone's situation is different.

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from KayC “What a tough road”

 

That was just half of the story. Shortly after the completion of her First course of Chemo I started having heart problems (irregular hart rhythms) caused by stress and caffeine . So during the same time period of her 16 year battle. I was fighting hart disease ( 5 surgeries over 11 years) along with kidney cancer (RCC simple surgery removed 5% of kidney). At this point I truly thought I would go first. there were times in the hospital that we would look at each other and wonder who was going first. Maybe thats why we never talked about the end openly. Neither of use was going to let any thing get in the way of raising our kids and having a good life,  adapt and over come , new normal. Thats the way it was. Together we could fight any thing. The world was our oyster. This is why I feel I have lost more then half of me and the hardest part of my life still lies in front of me. Move Forward ( New Normal).

 

enough for this rant.

 

keep the comments/questions coming.

 

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I started this thread because I didn’t want to derail the thread that I was trying to answer a simple question on.

I have just noticed that another thread title “ I lost my husband and the will to live”, two pages of post started in 2014.

I thought wow this is a thread that has stood the test of time just maybe I can gain some insight. After reading and analyzing the thread. I noticed that the OP last posted on January 2015. Thats 2 + years  now and the OP followed the thread for at least 1 year. This thread cought my attention because someone responded to it on July 2016 and again just today Mar 27 2017.  I was looking for a natural progression to a post that would say something like HAY THIS IS HOW YOU DO IT.  I was disappointed but I will continue to look for answers maybe not (the answer) for I know their are many.

 

I did find something that made sense even though I’m not their yet.

“You'll know your there when you can look at pictures or talk to someone about good times and feel a glow inside your heart.”

It would be so nice to be at this stage.

 

once again enough for this rant

 

 

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AceBasin   

There are two books that you may find helpful. The first is  A Grief Observed by C. S. Lewis and is a classic. Another is written by a physician, Richard Mabry, who lost his wife and is The Tender Scar (although I wish it were much more detailed).

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KayC   

There is no one answer for how you do it because we're all so individual, we have different coping skills, different personalities.  You have already been through so much...I have learned to just tackle THIS DAY, one day at a time.  Tomorrow get up and do it again.  Try not to think about "the rest of your life", it's too much.  I, too, like C.S. Lewis, he's very authentic.

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From KayC   "Try not to think about "the rest of your life", it's too much."

That is the First time anyone has ever said that to me. I have a cousin ( lost his wife 15 years ago ,blood clot after a procedure) that gave me my first good pice of advice he said " just get out of bed every day". My wife and I have always been planners and savers. I even grew up looking to the Future and now it's in my best interest not to? That is going to be very difficult. I'm not saying your wrong. I found a post last night and i'm going to do a C&P.

 

Thanks for your post "Posted April 9, 2014

Your style I think is very much like my own and you are really good at articulating your point of view with Facts embedded.

Thank you

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inside his post was this C&P

"Before she died, Elizabeth Kubler Ross said that she never meant for the psychology community to structure grief in the manner of those stages.  And many years after teaching it that way, the psychology community finally started to understand... and they have now started to teach... there is no true passing from one stage to another."

 

I wish their was at least then I would know how much further I have to go.Their was a lot more to the post and I recommend everyone take the time to read it.

 

thank you KayC for your comment it gives me food for thought.

 

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The online dating thing.

 

For me I haven’t dated in 22 years. Back then the internet was just getting started and if you wanted to meet some one (at a bar or in a club) you had to get up the courage and walk over and introduce your self (be a man). Now days thats all changed. We now have this Flat screen in front of us and the world is at our finger tips, Literally. I would spend time reading the profiles carefully, that was amazing the things ladies were saying good and the bad. It was coulter shock for me. Then their were the pics really. I new I was out of my comfort zone now. I thought I’m to old fashion for this but at the same time I new the Bar or club scene was no place for me. I continued on and after about a month of reading and analyzing post (yes that is what I do), I thought I could send a Msg. “ Hi “ boy was that tough did I just betray my wife the emotions that hit me are undbeliiveable. I couldn’t believe that it hit me that hard. Well nothing happened for a couple of days maybe I did it wrong? So I did it again it was still tough but less this time. But then it happened someone replied.

what do I do now? what have I done? Is the genie out of the bottle? here comes all those emotions again. can I talk to some lady other then my wife? I did and one thing led to another and before I knew it I had agreed to a Dinner( what a Disaster it was more on this later I’m typed out).

 

rant over

 

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KayC   

Autocharge,

It helps to take one day at a time.  Don't rush things or take on more than you can.  As someone named Darrel used to say, one foot in front of the other.  And whether loss is due to death or breakup, it helps to give yourself ample time to grieve before considering dating...in other words, don't hurry through the grief, it can't be hurried.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/judy-warren/kissing-frogs-a-case-for-_b_9541276.html

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Thanks KayC 

I read the article a got this out of it " I’m a recovering type A — we like plans, we like to beat things, and I was going to beat grief, kick its butt." I'm definitely a type A person. I't wasn't so much rushing into dating as it was trying to fill or beat the Loneliness. That said The first post on dating was experiences back in January of this year. I plan on having at leas another post on dating in the near future.

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KayC   

The person that wrote that article was post break up/loss not post death/loss so perhaps that wasn't a good article to give you but what I had gotten out of the article was being with any feeling you were experiencing, and she said she knew better than to date and lastly grieve fully through any loss.

The truth is, you can't circumvent grief, but we can learn to coexist with it once we've allowed ourselves the fully process of grieving.

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The Dinner

 

I agreed to meet this lady at the half way point between us ( neutral territory ). Much to my relief she looked pretty close to the pics I saw online. I introduced my self and we proceed in to the restaurant. I was minding my manners and being a gentleman ( my dad had taught me well and I had always treated my wife this way). Things went as they should when you sit down to eat. We started talking and instantly I was comparing her to my wife. Things like she was using cuss words a lot more then we had ever done ( raising two kids we tried to teach through examples). She spent money in ways that we would never had done. Then it happened just after we left the restaurant she sent me a text I’m thinking ok it’s gone be a Thank you for the dinner, I had Fun, Want to do it again, nope it said “ don’t worry baby I’ll take good care of you “. All of my careful reviewing and planning amounted to nothing. This woman was way to forward for me. I panicked an took down my profile. It was three weeks before I went back an opened the profile again. To this day the profile is up and Im still trying to probe just how far I can go. Yes each step of the way I have reactions and emotions , I don’t know what every possible reaction or emotion is out their waiting for me to stumble over it and watch it explode like a land mine. I pick the pieces of me up and move forward (new normal). I do know with each and every explosion that is one that is behind me. I’m not recommending this to any one. This is my experience and the only way I now howe to process things ( to many years of computers).  

 

rant over

 

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KMB   

Autocharge---- All I can say to your post here is *wow*. I don't feel you are ready for dating. Maybe you are trying too hard to rush through your grieving? Grieving is not a totally logical process. It is more of an emotional process. It is a process that cannot be *planned* out. Comparing your dinner date to your wife speaks of itself that you are not ready yet. An open heart and an open mind to another person without comparing. It is not fair to a new person to be compared to your wife. No one is going to compare. But, in time, maybe you will meet someone who has traits you can admire and who will open new horizons for you.

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KMB -----You are absolutely right. 

As this thread states this is my experience ( right or wrong). I did the dating thing for the wrong reason ( fill the loneliness ) and now I'm continuing it for another wrong reason ( to fill my time). I think its because I get to talk to some one and get out of my house. I don't want support groups because I don't want petty or sympathy. Normal is out their and I want it. I don't think any of my bad decisions at this point are going to have any permeant effects. See you even say "maybe in time you will meet someone " . I'm trying find that "time", don't get me wrong I'm learning a lot about my self and other people. Learning how to read people it's difficult. I have been in my comfort zone for 22 years.

Thanks for the comment.  keep them coming.

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Marcel   

Autocharge,
my wife lost her mother to MS when she was just 13 years old. Her dad removed all pictures and memories from the house immediately and a few months later the next woman moved in.
It was his way of avoiding grief. He's the kind of person who cannot be on his own but in reality he was trying to escape from his emotions, replacing them with new ones.
I think that's the worst thing you can do. Unless you find some closure with what has happened and accept the fact that it's past, you will never be able to find a healthy relationship with another woman. Don't look for it. It might happen at some point, probably when you least expect it. But when you're trying to push it you'll only get hurt and maybe hurt others in the process.

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KMB   

Autocharge, I agree with Marcel. The journey of grieving is going to last your life time. No matter what new path you take in life and the others you meet along the way, Your beloved wife and the love, memories, are always going to be just under the surface. You will find a new normal, it takes time and patience and figuring out who you are now.

Just as an aside, no offense, Marcel----I personally don't believe in the word, *closure*. That word means an ending. Our loved ones who had to pass on are still with us spiritually. There is no ending since love never dies. I feel that we will be reunited again someday, when we leave this earth.

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Marcel---"But when you're trying to push it you'll only get hurt and maybe hurt others in the process."

I can see your points but its different this time around for me. First of all  I meet my wife in a bar and three months later we were married and had this grand plan on were to live and how to raise our kids. So we went to work immediately 9 months later my son was borne , two years later my daughter two years after that working on our dream home. It was nice to have a plan. You talk about "might , some point , probably , least expect it." all that is alien to me. As far as hurting others I have completely honest to let them know I'm not looking for a relationship at this point. This could explain why I haven't had to many second dinners with any one. As far as my wife pics they are all still on the wall's and I have serious issues with brining another woman in to our home and in to my family. I know I'm not their yet, but I will move forward (new normal) its out their.

Thank you for your comment and I like writing about my experiences it helps.  keep em coming.

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KMB   

Autocharge, Just curious---why are you dating if you are not looking for a relationship? Dating websites are designed for those that ARE looking for a relationship.

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KMB

Not all websites are like "eharmony" , some are free and their are different levels of dating.  looking to get married , putting in serious effort , looking for a relationship , Dating but nothing serious , friends , sex hook ups. I'm talking to ladies in the friends category but like I said in an earlier post learning to read people is difficult. You have got to watch out for the hidden agenda!!

 

Thanks for the question.

 

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