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Autocharge,

So happy to see your pictures, swimming with the dolphins is high on most people's bucket list, I'm glad you got to experience this with Carla.  You are progressing through this and I'm glad your wife's birthday didn't set you back.  

@Sunflower2  

My grief counselor/mentor (from my other forum) says to take "should" from our vocabulary.  Our grief journeys are unique and we go at them our own way and our own timetable.  We can give people suggestions of what to try but only they can decide what's right for them.  (((hugs)))

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Posting pictures

 

I had some time today due to the ice and snow in Oklahoma City, couldn't make it into work. So I sat in the hotel and decided to straighten out my Google photos, post some pictures of my wife to family members. I have a lot of pictures in the neighborhood of 9000 photos so I figured I would organize them, break them up into albums such as the road trip, Guam ,Japan ,vacations things like that. It was going good until I got to the road trip pictures inside those pictures we had used my cell phone to take pictures of my wife's leg where I had accidentally burned it with the heater vent from the van. Those are painful pictures to look at, I decided not to include them in the album cuz I didn't want the rest of the family members to see them. My wife's sister sent me a text thanking me for posting the pictures and how hard it was to look at them and she is heartbroken. She sent another text saying she was supposed to see her sister one more time. We were supposed to make it to Idaho but we didn’t, because I decided it was too risky and I turned the van around . For an instant I felt responsible for her not seeing her sister one last time. It was my fault but when I think about it I still made the right decision and it's something I'm just going to have to live with. Don't get me wrong she's not throwing any blame my way. It's just one of those things I wish it would have happened. My wife would have liked to have seen her sister on last time I know this. Plus looking at all those pictures today made it kind of a rough afternoon I do miss her.

 

Autocharge (moving forward “new normal”)

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It’s a lovely photo of a beautiful young family, Auto.  

I had a tough day also.  I woke experiencing a grief attack. I must have been having a nightmare but can’t and don’t want to remember it. I’ve somehow survived 775 days without my darling.  I had no motivation to do anything today, apart from picking flowers from my garden and spending time at his grave.  The missing him never stops but I live in hope that tomorrow will be easier. 

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Autocharge,

The picture is a wonderful memory of you as a young family, just beginning...

I'm glad you realize you made the right choice when you turned around, if it was risky, it's wise not to proceed.  My son wants me to come see him and the kids Saturday and as badly as I want to, I don't think it feasible because way too much snow, can't count on the county plowing because no school, best off to stay put and go in better weather.  

I understand her sister felt she should have seen her one more time...but then we all feel that way about those that we've lost.  If you'd have attempted it, you both might not have seen her sister again.

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M88,

Sorry it was such a tough day for you...not sure where you are located but it would have been midnight or 1 am here when you posted.  I do think it gets easier to do our time but the implication using the word easier implies easy and Lord knows nothing about this is ever easy.  It takes much time to notice any adaption to it, usually there's much up and down, back and forth along the way.

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Thanks Kay. I’m never asleep before 1 am and awake off n on all night.  My GP now has me on melatonin tabs as well as the different sleeping tablets she prescribed last month.   What I would give for a 7 or 8 hour sleep!  But I don’t want to take higher doses of chemicals to get it.  

I get what you’re saying about the word easier, but I can’t use the word ‘better’.  Today was easier for me because I was interacting with someone else in slightly similar circumstances to myself.  I even got a bit of tidying in my yard done and did some cooking.  I realise I crash whenever there’s a lull between legal issues - am currently awaiting major decisions from two different legal fields.  But recovery of  that lost ground when I crash, comes much quicker than it used to. 

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I realize some people rebel against the word "easier" but it is a relative term, it's as in comparison to before, so it's usage doesn't bother me as it does some people, it's all relative and I don't see how anything could be as bad as our original learning of their death and the following days...easier does not imply "well" or "good", it just means it's not as hard as it was at first, not that it's not difficult...it'll always be difficult.  
I know what you mean about sleep, seems I do well to get six hours, the doctor said she wants me to get seven or eight hours, ha!  I'd love for that too!  :wacko:  Going to bed the same time every night means I drop off to sleep...but alas I still wake up way too soon.  If only I could sleep until 5 or 6!  How people sleep until noon is beyond me, I don't think I've ever done that in my life!  Melatonin doesn't seem to work for me but it helps my daughter some.

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Had a Dream

I had Another dream of my wife.  She was so beautiful and young like when we first met perfect in every way. I got to touch her this time I could feel the love between us. It was great I asked her to come with me and she asked me what about Carla.  I said "it was okay it's just Carla". Thinking to myself, I would never betray our Love.  Then I thought how did I meet Carla, I wouldn't have met Carla if you hadn't died. Then it was weird like the timing sequence of events were all messed up. Meeting Carla seeing my wife none of it started making any sense and at that point I was probably waking up. As I woke up my senses started coming back to me telling me that this was reality without my wife. I was so confused between my dream state and reality state they both felt real. Maybe I even wanted both states to be real, is it possible to live in both states? And in one way it scared me cuz my love for my wife is much stronger than that for Carla. I would have given up on Carla in a heartbeat to have my wife back. What does that say? For I knew I would have never betrayed my love to my wife for another woman. But she's not here, with me in this reality. It makes me sad but what can I do? Will the day come when I stop dreaming of my wife and dream of Carla?

 

Autocharge (moving forward”new normal”)

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Autocharge,

It's okay, all of these feelings, things seeming confused and not making sense.  You don't have to make sense of it, you don't have to choose, you don't have to rate anyone first or second.  They're both special to you in their own right.  You will always love your wife.  But that doesn't mean Carla has to be relegated to a back seat.  It IS confusing because you didn't choose to end your relationship with your wife...I think that's what upset me so much when I went to the social security office after my husband died, the lady stated that my marriage ended in death.  I sobbed, it upset me so much!  I never chose that!  I didn't want that!  But we aren't asked what we want, we don't get a choice or a say so.  It's something that happened to us and we're left trying to figure our way through this the best we can.  Their being gone DOES change things.  

Could it be you're feeling guilty about your relationship with Carla and betraying your wife by it?  I don't know if you're seeing a counselor or not, but that might be a good topic to bring up.  It's okay to have this relationship, you aren't betraying anyone.

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11 hours ago, KayC said:

Could it be you're feeling guilty about your relationship with Carla and betraying your wife by it? 

I’m scared

From Kayc “Could it be you're feeling guilty about your relationship with Carla and betraying your wife by it? “

I think it's maybe, I'm scared to be emotionally attached to someone as much as I was to my wife. The loss of my wife was too painful. I never want to feel it again. I think I am lying to myself . If I don't tell her I love her and if I refer to her only as my girlfriend it means I'm not as close to her as I truly am.

 

 That was early this morning. This afternoon is below.

 

Everyone knows I was retired and I recently returned to work which will send me to Algeria. I thought I had a year-and-a-half here in Oklahoma City before I was going to deploy. but things are changing at work which means sooner than later. I told Carla of this possibility and she didn't like it very much . She sent me a text saying “it doesn't seem like we were meant to be together “. I thought she was breaking up with me and it made me sad. I didn't like it one bit. The fact that I felt this way means I'm closer to her than I thought I was and that is scary. She is further along in her grieving process than I am by almost 4 years she understands this and so do I. However she is looking for a commitment, maybe even marriage. I'm not willing to do marriage. Kayc once said “If it’s meant to be she will wait.”. I so hope Kayc is right.  Carla doesn't know how to handle a long distant relationship And I think she is scared of it.  I was in the Navy and I've worked overseas in many places. I know it can work because I've done it before so I'm not scared of it. I just hope she doesn't give up on us, it's her choice. I know if I didn't have Carla that I wouldn't have any other girlfriends because I'm not in one place long enough to have a relationship so it's Carla or nothing until I'm done working again . Being lonely again is not appealing at all. I wonder if I would slip into depression again. My family has made comments that” I seem to be happy when I'm around Carla” therefore Carla is the reason why I'm not depressed .  Once again my dull life has turned into a swirl of drama, and I don't like drama. I know this is a wall of text and probably an incoherent post but it's been one of those days.

 

Autocharge (moving forward”new normal”)

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@Autocharge I'm following your posts.  I'm new with all this but I can feel the shifts in energy and emotions you're experiencing.   I would say only you can determine where you are in this new space.  Others may observe you being happy in this relationship but only you can discover the meaning of this connection.  My thoughts are with you Autocharge!  Being scared is so OK!  

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I just hope you don't let something good slip by because of fear...fear of getting too close, fear of losing something once you build it.  It's one thing to lose something because it wasn't working, quite another to let it go when it was good just because of fear.
Have you told her how you feel?  Your fears?  That you know a long distance relationship can work and how?

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4 hours ago, KayC said:

It's one thing to lose something because it wasn't working, quite another to let it go when it was good just because of fear.

What can I do?

KayC ” It's one thing to lose something because it wasn't working, quite another to let it go when it was good just because of fear.”

I'll make sure she knows how I feel This weekend.

 

We did talk last night, She called for a few minutes. I brought up the subject that we hadn't talked about. “Marriage and we haven't talked about it.” She replied “no we haven't and now is not the time.” Then she mentioned that she's further along in grieving process than what I am and understands “not to rush things.”  I think she is trying to be understanding but hasn't figured out how to cope with a long distance relationship and she does want more but thanks I'm not ready .

 

There is no point in us living together for several reasons:

1:  I'm traveling and I'm not there a lot of the time.

2:  she has a dog that lives in the house with her and I don't want pets in my house.

3:  she helps take care of her elderly mother several nights a week in her mother's house. It takes both her daughter and her to take care of her mother.

 

Marriage

1: I can't see any point in getting married it's not like we're going to try and raise a family she's not going to be a mother to my kids nor will I be a dad to her kids .

2: If we get married both of us will lose survivor benefits from Social Security at retirement age .

This money could be useful and enhance retirement .

3: She would take on my last name and live with me only after I get back from Algeria .

4: I'm not religious so I don't need a priest or a piece of paper for me to have a commitment my word is my bond.

Please feel free to bring up any points I may have overlooked or maybe considering That may be right or wrong.

 

Reasons to keep things the way they are .

1: I'm travelling and like to see places and things and I think we could work it out to where she takes vacations and meets me at various places overseas or in the US .

2: She is a nurse and I wouldn't dare  ask her to lose her nursing license to follow me around the country or the US .

3: Our jobs are important to both of us maybe when we both retire things will change.

4: Her mom is important to her and needs her help now.

 

It's our jobs and her mom and our age that are keeping us  part right now. Neither should have to give up their job. She can't give up on her mom and we are both too young to retire at least she is too young. I have retired once already . If she wasn't taking care of her mom and we were both retired we would be out seeing the country or the world .

 

Boy I really did it this time what a post.

 

fire away .

 

Autocharge (moving forward”new normal”)

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The things you list as why not to marry are valid reasons for you...how about her?  Does she have reasons one way or another?  It was important for me to be married to George.  I can't put it into words, or explain it, but it was very very important...he was my soul mate, the love of my life, making that commitment to him was one I wanted no matter the cost.  But life isn't a one size fits all, and especially not through all time...what I mean is, marriages late in life ARE different from ones where you're starting out and raising a family together.  You DO have finances to consider and you ALREADY have a way of life and commitments to attend to, it's very different from BUILDING your life together from the beginning.  If I was in yours and her situation I would probably be very content being in a committed relationship, nothing to prove to anyone else, just to enjoy.  BEING there for each other is the important thing.  Sharing in that relationship gives all the more meaning to everything the two of you do.  But it will be important to hear her, what SHE feels about it all.  If both people are set in stone with lots of "deal breakers" (no dog in the house, etc.) how can any relationship work unless you are identical in all ways...which none of us are.  How important ARE all of these things you must consider and decide upon?  More important than each other???

Her commitment with her mom is a consideration but someone can be gotten to look after her while she takes a trip...and again.  Everyone needs time away from care-taking, it's hard, it takes it's toll, we all need a breath of fresh air now and then and we come back to it all the more ready to engage in it.

19 hours ago, Autocharge said:

Boy I really did it this time what a post.

fire away .

I smiled at this.  No, your post was good, it stated the things on your mind.  I'm glad you talked with Carla.  I'm also glad she realizes you aren't in the same place as her, not having had as much time to process everything and adjust.  It DOES take time to work our way through this.  A good point to remember is, five years down the road you may feel totally different than you do today about things.  Sometimes decisions are FOR NOW, realizing they may change on down the road.  Things like living together, getting married, etc.  If getting married is important to her but neither of you wants to lose your incomes or combine finances because of estates, one option is to have a pastor marry you but not turn the paperwork into the state so the commitment is made in the eyes of others but not legally where the government is concerned.  I know two such people that chose that way and are very happy with the arrangement.  Sometimes I think our government has gotten into our business way too much.  No one should have to lose their income because of remarriage...a law that needs changed.  It's designed to let the government or other institutions off the hook on a loophole.  :angry:  That's an earned benefit that should not be revoked because of a personal change in an unforeseeable future.

Just out of curiosity, how long do you have before you retire?  Having lived alone without anyone in my life for so long now, I can see where someone even being BF/GF could be a bonus, not having to fit it into a certain mold, but enjoying the added benefits of having that person in your life.  I accepted being alone a long time ago, but you guys have found each other and seem to be happy together and I see that as a plus.

Good luck with your discussions and I hope the best for both of you in whatever you decide!

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1 hour ago, KayC said:

Just out of curiosity, how long do you have before you retire? 

Before I RE-retire?  I haven't thought about it too much. This job was supposed to be 3 years in country, looks like it's going to be 4 years in Country possibly longer. If the program continues to grow it’s a good position for me. I'm at the top of the food chain so to speak.  One thought is to stay at the job until Carla is ready to retire but that's a long time oversees maybe something will change , Maybe the country assignment will change . She's 47 now 3 to 4 years puts her at 50 to 51. She says she wants to retire early in her 50s . It looks like we have 4 maybe 5 years Before she retires at that time. I think I would retire again. So if my math is correct I'm looking at about 8 years of work,  the job should last that long. I don't know if I will.  I want a short assignment, not another career .

I could stick to my original plan and end up spending 4 years in Country. Then retire again, but then I would be waiting on Carla to retire in a few years after that.  It's difficult being retired and wanting to travel and vacation while your other half has to continue to work she has talked about travel nursing that may work out as long as I stay in the states.

Autocharge

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1 hour ago, KayC said:

How important ARE all of these things you must consider and decide upon?  More important than each other???

This statement is code,  saying that I should be more flexible on the dog issue.

LOL

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1 hour ago, KayC said:

one option is to have a pastor marry you but not turn the paperwork into the state so the commitment is made in the eyes of others but not legally where the government is concerned.

This is an idea that I haven't thought of. Thanks for mentioning it. What about common law marriage and the Gov/state. I will have to look into this and see how it effects SS.

Autocharge

P.S. slow day at work.

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1 hour ago, KayC said:

I smiled at this.

Glad, I could put a smile on your face.

Autocharge

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If the state recognizes common law, it's the same as getting married, not sure how many years it'd take for that status, my state doesn't have it.  You'd have to have social security figure out how much you would get under one scenario versus another, a good representative shouldn't have any problem doing that for you.  I usually call until I get a decent one.  :)

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19 hours ago, Autocharge said:

This statement is code,  saying that I should be more flexible on the dog issue.

LOL

That's up to you, I'm just saying some things are deal breakers to us and some things we can budge on, only you and Carla can decide which.

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Well I've been busy the past few weeks, I had to travel to Pennsylvania again .  While I was up there we had that Nor'easter that was in the news. Ended up working in 18 inches of snow. First time to ever do that. Things are going good with me and Carla in fact she mentioned that in just 10 weeks we will be seeing each other for one whole year. One year anniversary that is so different than the last one year anniversary I had this past year in fact my 2 year anniversary off my wife passing is coming up May 25th. all these anniversaries what is one to think. Me and Carla tell each other that we love one another quite frequently now, my love for Carla is growing but yet it's not diminishing the love I have for my wife . It's hard to believe that I've had The Good Fortune of finding two good women in one lifetime who would have ever thought . Two good women that are so different it's amazing . I know people come to this form with heavy hearts questioning the future for I was there at one time.  I almost feel guilty writing post like this , a post that have words of Hope inspiration and the possibility of a future. For I know so many out there feel just the opposite. I posted from day one that I wanted this thread to help someone I hope it has . But I think posting to this forum has helped me the most along with the people here I truly have gotten more in return than I have given . My post now has a view count of over 10,000 I find that amazing and I hope it continues to go up . Below are some pictures of my work in Pennsylvania hope you like them .

 

Autocharge (moving forward”new normal”)

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13 hours ago, Autocharge said:

my love for Carla is growing but yet it's not diminishing the love I have for my wife .

And that's as you can expect it to be.  It's best not to compare but just to enjoy what IS with Carla, you will always love your wife, nothing will diminish or obliterate that.  It's good to find a partner that understands and accepts that rather than tries to compete or leaves them feeling insecure.  It IS good you've found two wonderful women in your lifetime!  I've had several partners over my lifetime but only ONE that was my true love, the person that got me, the person I related to, could communicate so well with, truly loved and loved me.  I count myself fortunate to have had that ONCE!  :)

The weather has been brutal!  We had weeks of snow, last being yesterday.

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This past Saturday I had the privilege of driving my military truck in the Medal of Honor Parade . it was the second time that I've had this privilege. Below are some pictures of the parade.I was also invited to take my truck to Tyler Texas on May 7th for Vietnam memorial parade and ceremony. I hope I'm able to make it.

Autocharge

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Wow, I love that they did this parade!  Which one of these did you drive?  Great picture of you guys as well!

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On 4/10/2018 at 7:36 AM, KayC said:

Which one of these did you drive?

see below.

Same one I took to Houston during Harvey.

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Autocharge

I had a Dream

 

How can I have Carla and My wife in a loving Monogamous Relationship ?

 

I had a dream with my wife in it. it was great until I thought about Carla.  Then I thought Carla doesn't come here so it's okay but that's not right I'm not cheating on my wife. I would never do that. why would I be in a relationship with Carla. Answer is because my wife is dead, If she's dead,  then why is she here in my dreams. I don't want her to leave. If I dream of Carla I lose my wife. I stay with my wife then I'm cheating on her with Carla in reality. I would never cheat that's where the dream breaks down and I wake up.

How can I love two women at the same time? Everything in me tells me it's wrong, doesn't feel right. I grew up believing you should love only one person , be faithful and be true . For Better or For Worse,  (I know), “till death do you part” . I know thats what happened but I just can't seem to let the vowels go.

May 25th will be the two-year Mark for me it must be weighing on my mind because I'm having dreams now. Two years a long time, a short time, how can it be both ? For those of you that are reading this post you may have questions, how am I doing?  what do I think ? I'll try and answer these questions . How am I doing , I still think of my wife everyday pretty much all day every time I turn around I don't cry it doesn't hit me in the gut. The sad feeling It's just a dull ache. but I do think of her. I haven't had that day where I haven't thought of her yet . I had kind of set a personal goal of thinking I would be overall this when the day comes that I could go all day without thinking of her maybe that's unrealistic maybe it's naive . What do I think ,  Well you've been reading this post so you know what I've been thinking welcome to the Twilight Zone my mind (LOL). This post is kind of raw, I know this but I hope it's helped people. I have an aunt that just lost her husband my uncle ofcourse they were together for a long time. I directed her to this post in hopes that it would help her at whatever stage of grieving she is in. This post covers a large span of time, from the early days to two years out now and it is raw and unedited . I write my thoughts and post my questions here some of you take the time to answer I appreciate that .  This post now has over 11,000 views, I find that incredible. I can only hope it's helping people as much as I want to. I think I'm doing pretty good in the grieving process I'm not done yet though I know this, maybe I'll never be done .

The Two year mark. “May 25” WOW

 

Autocharge(moving forward “new normal”)

 

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I just popped into this forum and saw you posted and I thought, "Oh good, I like hearing from him!"  So I come to your post...and you're asking a good question.  

Honestly, it is a monogamous relationship...but it isn't.  What???! you say?  Yeah.  It's not like a relationship where you hadn't already loved and lost someone.  You are only with one person right now, that's Carla, but your wife is also with you, she never left you, nor never will.  Some things are hard to explain, hard to define in words, and this is one of them.  If Carla can accept it, why would you fight it?  I know one thing, your wife understands, she understands how hard it is for you to be alone, to make your way through the whole rest of your life with her gone, she gets it.  Something about crossing over changes our perspective.  Where she would have personally strangled you if you'd sought someone else while she was alive here, that is not how it is when they transition to their next phase of life.  There is no more possessiveness, no jealousy, it changes.  There is a broader perspective they gain after their "death", one where all the pieces seem to fit together and things make sense.  I've learned not to worry about what I can't understand or explain, but to accept on faith what I know to be true even if I can't put it into words so nice and neat.  We have a love, after we die, that is for the greater good.  Does that make sense?  Sorry if I'm not good at explaining this, I just know what IS, inside of me, but finding a human way to put it into words seems to escape me.

It's okay to love Carla fully even as you love your wife fully.  One does not take away from the other.

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11 hours ago, KayC said:

If Carla can accept it, why would you fight it?

She dose "accept it".  I don't think it's so much that I'm fighting it. logically I understand it and I know I'm not cheating. it's in my dreams my subconscious that I feel as if I am cheating. That concerns me the “feelings” that I have. I trust my logic to point me in the right direction and make good decisions for me. It's like I'm waiting on my feelings to change I wish I knew when this was going to happen.

 

"Does that make sense? " Yes it does and you did an excellent job trying to put a difficult subject in to words. thank you .

Ok Time for some cool pics from the Vietnam Memorial wall parade that I did this past weekend.

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9 hours ago, Autocharge said:

it's in my dreams my subconscious that I feel as if I am cheating.

That shows YOU are concerned about it, not that she is.  I don't know how to tell you to let go of those feelings but I hope they abate in time so you can be in peace.

You always seem to surround yourself with cool machines!  That parade must have been something!  Living in the country I don't see stuff like that except on t.v.

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Autocharge

 

The Two year mark.

 

The two year mark came and went. “May 25 2016”

I texted  my sister in law and read an email from my mother in law.

“Two years ago today we lost the most wonderful person who meant so much to us.  I know you miss her as much or more than I do, but we must focus on all the good times we had with her.  I remember camping on the coast in Galveston many years ago. I remember geocaching around Lake Texoma and camping there.  Wonderful times in the pool, going to Flakey Jakes, and our Christmas trip to Guam. There are so many football games, baseball games, volleyball games and so much more.  She was always there for all of us.

 

She was a happy person that always thought of others and now she is watching over us all with no pain or discomfort.  Keep her in your thoughts and remember all the good times. She had much love in her heart for all of us and I know she wants us all to be happy in our lives.

 

We had her in our lives for to short a time but she did more than most other people that live twice as long. It was time for her to go even though it wasn’t time for us to let go.  She is at peace and we will always love and miss her.

 

Much love,

 

Linda”

 

I spent time with Carla like I do with all my time now. She understands , and it's ironic that she lost her husband on the 23 of May 6 years ago. The two dates are that close. So May is a month of understanding and celebration now. For her daughter's birthday is on the 22 May and my son on the 11th May. Makes for an interesting month.

 

I still think of her every day. I wear our wedding rings on my Left hand. I still have her pictures hanging on the walls in our House. I only take up half the closet and bathroom space. Hardly anyone sits on her side of the couch. Probably because I put the remotes and laptop their. She's not with us anymore but she’ll never be gone.

 

Autocharge (moving forward “new normal”)

 

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17 hours ago, Autocharge said:

She's not with us anymore but she’ll never be gone.

How aptly put!

You survived another May.  Mine is June.  Today is my son-in-law's birthday, the first one in 18 years I'll ignore, and it hurts.  He's treating my daughter horribly, left her for 8 months, then came back while she was too sick to think, then told her he was done with the marriage, but won't leave, instead he's making her life miserable (he's alcoholic).  So June 6 will always be a hard day for me.

June 10...my dad's birthday and my parent's anniversary.  They're both gone.

June 14, my George's birthday.

June 19 AND Father's Day, George's death day.

June is a hard month to survive.  I commend you for making it through May.  Interesting that it's similar for both you and Carla!

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Autocharge

A post I replied to

For Brandon

 

"Hi Brandon,

Your post reminds me of my self. I too found my way to this sight for the same reasons you have mentioned above in your postings. It's been two years for me now. I have a lengthy post on this site. "Autocharge my experience " http://forums.grieving.com/index.php?/topic/10742-autocharge-my-experience/  

I hope you take the time to read it. I hope in doing so it may help you in some small way. I'll copy this post to my thread so that it will bump it to the front page for you.

Autocharge(moving forward "new normal")"

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Autocharge

 

Happy July 4th

I know it's early, but the 4th is on a Wednesday . I attached some pics of the effort made towards the show this year. New to this year was my attempt to automate the show with a Remote Detonator that I bought along with custom made launchers . Hope you enjoy it.

The day of the show I got up and was getting ready in the morning, Carla and my son were here. And just for a brief moment I felt it (normalcy) . It wasn't a lasting moment , just a passing moment but it did surprise me. I remembered the day of getting up and getting everyone ready to go to the soccer fields back when the kids were little. I never knew how much the hustle and bustle of those times would mean to me now. I have hope that the days of feeling "normal" will come one day.

Autocharge(moving forward"new normal")

 

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We really do move into a "new normal".  I didn't like that term in the beginning, but now I understand it more...nothing about our life felt "normal" when we lost them, but after we've gone through so much adjustments, year after year, we begin to take on a new kind of normal for our existence, it's weird.  July 4th will be a day like any other to me this year, no family get togethers, just a day at home.  I'm glad you have some plans...I'm busy every day but not necessarily fun stuff.  Too busy trying to get my car running, my new refrigerator fixed, church books done, etc.  I do have a barbecue next weekend to look forward to with friends.

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On 7/2/2018 at 8:53 AM, KayC said:

I do have a barbecue next weekend to look forward to with friends.

How was the barbecue?

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August 6th today would have been our 24th anniversary an anniversary that didn't happen. I find it interesting in just a couple of days I will be traveling to her sisters. Because her sister is getting married and she wants me to walk her down the aisle. Carla is going with me. It will be the first time for her sister to meet Carla. I hope things go well and it doesn't spoil the wedding. Carla and I are looking forward to this little vacation but at the same time Carla said she's nervous about meeting my wife's sister. I understand , but I think all will go well.  

KayC I like hearing from you but you seem to be the only one willing to post on my thread. I wish others would post and asked questions maybe I could be of more help. I don't come back to the Forum as often as I did at first. I guess that's a good thing, but if I did maybe I can help others like you are doing. So I guess this is an open invitation for others to post on this thread .

 

Autocharge (moving forward “new normal”)

 

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How neat that her sister has asked you to walk her down the aisle!  I hope everything goes well.

The barbecue went okay, that was a month ago so I had to stop and think!  Let us know how it goes this weekend!

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Hi KayC

The wedding went well. It was different and without all the hoopla you get with big city weddings. All that maters is two people are together, now as one.

Carla did get to meet the rest of the family on my wife's side. It went well and my aunt even told me Carla is great and " I like her". 

We had a great time in Idaho and Washington. Too much to see in the short time we had. We said would make plans to go back.

some pics.

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Her daughter (killed by a drug dealer) and my wife. Were at the wedding.

 

Autocharge

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Beautiful wedding, I'm glad everything went well and I hope Carla was comfortable.  (Meeting family especially at such a big event can feel nervous.)

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The toughest month of the year.

I find this month to be the toughest month of the year Breast Cancer Awareness Month it's everywhere you go in the stores on the football field everywhere . My daughter sends me a text telling me that people on college campus are asking her to give every time she turns around there wearing pink she finally got to the point to where she replies” I've given enough” . My first thoughts on this are I didn't give anything it was taken from me . Everywhere I look I see pink this month I know people mean well, but still it’s hard to see the pink and it hurts . I want to lash out sometimes but at the same time I don't want to hamper anyone's hopes or dreams for I know what the end meant to me the loss of my wife . I can't wait for this month to be over .

 

Autocharge (moving forward “new normal”)

 

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I don't shop and I live in the country so I really haven't seen the pink...I fast forward commercials too.  I guess I'm pretty isolated/protected.  But I just had our wedding anniversary two days ago and that was tough enough to get through.  I'm sorry this is such a hard month for you.  Ten more days to go, we'll be in November soon, I hope that helps.

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Update.

My Work had a slight Delay, a two-and-a-half-year delay well I couldn't take Oklahoma City for two and a half more years so I retired again, surprise . So now I've taken my RV and I am doing volunteer work at state parks, corp parks and national parks my first assignment is Lake whitney here in Texas . I volunteered to do some maintenance around the park and in return turn they let me stay for free and I get to enjoy everything in the park.  I have some interesting pictures of the park. In my first two weeks of being here we had lots of rain and the park consequently flooded out . I'm learning how to live in my RV full time I expect to be in the park 2 to 3 months and then in January I will go down too Lyndon B Johnson National Historical Park “ Texas Whitehouse “ for a couple of months . Eventually I will be traveling the continental 48 states. I may be in a park nere you one day.

Kind of like where's Waldo.

 

Autocharge (moving forward “new normal”)

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I had to laugh at your Where's Waldo as the place we stayed at every year, camping, was Waldo Lake (Shadow Bay Campground), beautiful!

This is the sight I get to see in my back yard, I love it, it's why I continue to live here in spite of the struggle with snow, etc., George loved it here., he called it our Home in the Clouds (in the mountains).

I'm so happy for you, it sounds like a wonderful way to retire!  Does Carla get to join you sometimes?

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KayC,

On 11/2/2018 at 11:10 AM, KayC said:

Does Carla get to join you sometimes?

Carla dose come down just about every other weekend. I in turn go home every other weekend for now. Starting in January I plan on going down to LBJ national park near San Antonio . When that happens I won't be able to come home every weekend I'll be down there for a couple of months maybe 3 months. we'll have to see if she will be able to come down for a 3-day weekend or something. It will put a little bit of stress on our relationship but I think at this point we'll manage it . We have talked about a couple of the other national parks in various States, me going ahead and her flying out for vacation things like that. It feels good splitting the time between the RV and home when I come home it's refreshing everything looks different like a "cabin in the woods", when I go to the RV and it's like  I'm someplace new geographically I got to go explore it's hard to explain but splitting the time between the two places feels pretty good. I think if I was to stay in just one place I would start to fill the loneliness and I know that's not what I want .

Autocharge(moving forward “new normal”)

 

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On 8/6/2018 at 9:52 PM, Autocharge said:

...KayC I like hearing from you but you seem to be the only one willing to post on my thread. I wish others would post and asked questions maybe I could be of more help. I don't come back to the Forum as often as I did at first. I guess that's a good thing, but if I did maybe I can help others like you are doing. So I guess this is an open invitation for others to post on this thread ...

@Autocharge,

Hi, sorry I haven't posted here, but maybe I should.  First let me say how sorry I am for your loss.  The love you had and still have is obvious in every word you post.  The reason I haven't posted here, although I have read through it completely, is that you and I are coping with our grief in very different ways.

We are on a very similar road.  Both approximately the same age.  Both our wives about 5 years older than us.  Both with long term medical conditions leading up to our loss, and with around 6 months separating the dates of our loss.

Where we differ most strikingly is that I haven't chosen to pursue any other relationship however, and that seems to be a large part of your new normal.  I don't feel as though I am anywhere ready for another relationship.  It would be unfair to the other person for me to get involved at this point.  For me another relationship would simply be trying to fill the hole that has been left in my life, which I think would fail, as there is no way to replace my wife.  At first I struggled with how to reconcile this with your experience, until I realized it is YOUR experience.

As with everything in this grieving world, while there may be some similarities, each persons path through it is unique.  You obviously aren't trying to replace your wife, you are looking for someone to share in your life from this point forward, and that includes the grief you are dealing with.  I can see how that is healthy, both for you, and for Carla.  I may at some point be on that path as well, though at the moment I really have no interest in pursuing it.  For me, I need to be much more at peace with my loss before I can share it with another at that level.

As for any feelings that you are "cheating" on your wife, I get it.  I don't agree, but I understand.  My wife would tell me to do whatever makes me happy.  I know that for certain.  I would bet your wife would tell you the same.  A relationship isn't going to make us "get over" our loss.  It isn't going to make us be done with our grieving.  It isn't going to rob us of the memories or love of our wives.  For you I hope that it gives you someone to share your pain with when you need it, and someone to care for and help through their own loss.  I don't think it would do that for me at this point.

I'm glad you made it through October, I can see how that would be a difficult time for you.  Mine is coming up.  With my wife passing on Christmas eve, the holidays are a nightmare for me.  I know they aren't pleasant for anyone who lost someone, but for instance, my daughter couldn't bear to take down the tree the year my wife passed for almost four months.  Decorating the tree together was one of the last things she had done with her mother, and it was a gigantic step for her when we finally took the ornaments off.  That's just one of the ways the "most wonderful time of the year" has turned sadder for us.

Throw in having to wait through the Holidays for many of the funeral arrangements to be made, the annual two month long stream of carols and advertising bringing the worst day of my life back every ten minutes.  The happy pictures of families celebrating together on every TV station, the relentless advertising from the stores we used to shop in (you'd think by now Kay jewelers would realize I don't have plans to buy any more necklaces).  Every time I hear a salvation army bell ring I think of her.  Then there are the family gatherings on her side of the family.  I do love and care for my in laws, at the same point in time we all feel those awkward moments when I am just a breathing representation of what we all lost.  Anyway, as you say, end rant.

Thanks for sharing your experience, it gives me a different viewpoint than the one I am operating from.  Wishing you peace, comfort, and contentment,

Herc

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11 hours ago, Herc said:

Herc

Hi Herc. 

Thanks for posting. My first thoughts are WoW you really read it (the post). You're right about our similarities and our grief journey is our on to endure in what ever way we can.

Each to our own.

Feel free to post or rant any time here.

Autocharge (moving forward "new normal")

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Hi all, I'm sort of new to this site.  I have actually been following some of you since I found this site after my husband died in 2013, so actually I have been around for five, 5!!! years. Everyone's dedication to helping others who posted helped me get through my journey. Although many comments and questions here have touched me, following your thread AC had made we want to post. Another love is really possible without guilt.  My husband had been diagnosed with colon cancer in January 2011.  He underwent surgery, radiation and chemo and seemed to come through great.  We were looking toward the future with good, but simple expectations.  In January 2013 we found out that the cancer had metastasized and treatment really wouldn't be a benefit.  He declined further treatment and was taken care of by hospice. During this time we talked about everything, our relationship, his relationship with our son, our 4 year old granddaughter, the light of his life, everything.  I can laugh about it now, but every once in a while he would say to me, "You know, e-Harmony is having a free weekend. Do you want me to sign you up?"  I would blow him off and walk away feeling really hurt.  After a few times of him saying that, I blew up and told him he was being disrespectful to me and did he really want me to leave him now, just when he was about to leave me.  His response stopped me in my tracks.  He said that since I always took such good care of him, he wanted me to find someone who would take good care of me.  Even now, it brings tears to my eyes.  It was his way of ensuring that I would be OK when he was gone. I wouldn't let him sign me up, though. He passed away and as we all know it was awful. Interestingly enough, it was this site, family and friends and daily visits to Walmart (it was my safe place and got me out of the house) that got me through. I eventually decided that I wanted and needed another special person in my life and tried on line dating.  I met a few interesting men but no one special.  I was just about to give up but decided to give it one more chance.  I contacted the man who is now my husband!  WOW, right!  He was a widower, so he got it!  His wife passed a few months before my husband.  We are so thankful that we found each other and we are living life to the fullest!  We also talk about our previous partners as they helped to shape who we are today.  They are never forgotten and we both feel that they both played a part in our finding each other.  Our families get along great and my son now has the sister he wanted and my husband's daughter has the brother she always wanted.  My friends have told me I hit the jackpot with my new love, and they are right.  I know this post is really long, but it is important for me to let you all know how helpful you all were, even though you didn't know I was here. I made it and it is a success!  Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU!

And, AC, you can have a new relationship and not feel guilty about it.  Do what works for you, what feels right and happiness will be waiting.  Thank you all again!

Debzr

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