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Speechless


Mrsviden

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Is it weird to feel speechless and feel like you have so much to say all at the same time? What I may say after this may or may not make sense, I feel all over the place with my emotions. 

Yesterday I was scrolling through Facebook and realized I hadn't seen my cousins posts in awhile so I went to search her name and found that Her and I were no longer Facebook friends, it being odd I just sent her a new request and later checked to find out that she denied it..so I decided to text her and ask her why we weren't friends aymore and why I didn't have the option to add her back...no reply until this message came in this morning (I sent the text last night) 

I post about my husband because it helps (somewhat) and I really want to keep our love alive and by posting things and tagging him. I don't think I'm the first one to do such a thing...

She did in fact reach out to me when it first happened but I was not ready for any of that and it wasn't the time to try and mend a relationship (we've never been close), growing up she was/is still the favorite, her speaking of keeping my relationship a secret had everything to do with that's not who my "family" wanted me with and so I went behind their backs and dated/married him anyway. 

So I called my grandma and mentioned it and said ya know my feelings were hurt, and she said "Cody, do not go there with me we've told you time and time again that nobody understand why you wanted to be with him" I said I'm so sick and tired of the same thing being brought up. I then went on to say that I'm sorry I didn't join the army like "cousin" did and that I'm such a screw up, she then said it's just time to get over it and I'm tired of talking about it. 

My question(s) to all of you is am I immature for posting about him? Am I wrong for not wanting a relationship with her right after my husband passed away? I don't even know how to feel, I feel so heartbroken and I feel like only the people on here understand it, others tell me to get over it and move on and stop having a pity party for myself. If I may add when she said we are at different stages she's right, she has a husband and I don't. I'm grieving she's not. That's what hurts the most is people not going through it don't get it. Am I overreacting being mad at this message, if it was sent to one of you would you be offended? 

Please help me..all I want is my husband back. 

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Dear Mrsviden,

I know you are in a lot of pain. I know it hurts a lot when family, friends or colleagues tell us or give us the impression they want us to move on. I know this message is very hurtful. Please know not everyone has the sensitivity or the willingness to listen and support those in grief. It is their choice. We have a choice too to find the people, places and things that help us during our time of sorrow. Let this cousin go. Please consider counseling, support group or accessing resources through the community and church with people who are more understanding our your situation. Thinking of you. Sending you love and hugs.

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Solomon'sGirl

I might not understand what's going on, but I will say that I wasn't in the right mind for a couple weeks after my significant other passed. I'm still sometimes a little off. My mom and sister both actually tried arguing with me just days after he passed. I say try because I didn't really engage in much. They were feeling helpless. I finally got to a point where I realized what was going on and told them that I just have zero energy to argue or care about anything other than Thad. Every single thing they were upset about seemed petty to me. We moved past it fairly quickly though. It took them understanding that I loved them and appreciated everything they were doing, but I just couldn't possibly be my usual self at that time. I still have to remove myself from certain situations/conversations. So with all that being said, your cousin might be hurt that you blew her off. However, she should also be understanding of what it's like to lose your partner. It's hard to do unless you've actually lost them. I'm sorry for what was said. It seems very insensitive. I don't have Facebook. I haven't posted anything on any social media about what's happened. But I've alway been a private person. I do talk to those that I see in person. But grieving is different for everyone. How I handle it might not work for you and vice versa. Honestly, how I handle this doesn't even work for me at times. It's just difficult and sad and unfair. So if you want to post about it, then post about it. Whatever helps you, do it. I'm so sorry she's not being supportive as you would like her to be. 

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Sadaf Nazim

I don't think posting on social media about our loved ones is a bad thing. We want to keep them alive in our everything. That's all. All we have is there memories now. Atleast we can freely express our love for them wherever we want. 

 

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Without the proper context of this "relationship" and the history of this current attitude towards you, I would hesitate to assign blame or point a finger, but, as Solomon'sGirl said, this is a very hard time for anyone NOT you to understand what you feel, and what you need to cope. Also, I'm very selective about to whom I speak about my wife with and outside of this forum and one other, I have zero social network presence. I still text my wife's phone though, I "talk" to her everyday, I wear our wedding bands around my neck, I ask her for help everyday. It is unfortunate that your cousin isn't understanding, but I've found that very few people are because they simply can't understand. People will take your grief, your sorrow and make it about them. I've had this happen to me. I've decided to just let this person go. I'll be congenial if pressed, but beyond that, I barely have enough emotional energy to care about what I need to care about, I sure don't have enough to spare for meaningless and ultimately pointless relationships. I've lost my wife, just about any other loss pales in comparison. 

I am very sorry though, all those "connections" that we have because of our beloveds, some remain, others unravel. It just adds to our pain, it makes our situations  even more convoluted. Nothing good at all. If posting helps you, then you keep posting. If she can't understand, or anyone else for that matter, you don't owe them an explanation. An entirely new reality started for us the day our beloveds passed, we have to live this new life the best we can, with or without anyone's understanding.

Andy  

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1 hour ago, reader said:

Dear Mrsviden,

I know you are in a lot of pain. I know it hurts a lot when family, friends or colleagues tell us or give us the impression they want us to move on. I know this message is very hurtful. Please know not everyone has the sensitivity or the willingness to listen and support those in grief. It is their choice. We have a choice too to find the people, places and things that help us during our time of sorrow. Let this cousin go. Please consider counseling, support group or accessing resources through the community and church with people who are more understanding our your situation. Thinking of you. Sending you love and hugs.

Thank you, I'm currently in grief counseling just don't think it's enough, it's like when I go I have so much to say from the other 6 days in the week. I am very involved in church, but having family who doesn't understand is what hurts. 

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3 minutes ago, Sadaf Nazim said:

I don't think posting on social media about our loved ones is a bad thing. We want to keep them alive in our everything. That's all. All we have is there memories now. Atleast we can freely express our love for them wherever we want. 

 

Absolutely, nothing inappropriate or harmful, not from someone who loved/loves that person, it's those rituals that help keep us connected. Grief, and how each person grieves differently, creates all of these breakdowns. We tend to take offense or inadvertently step on each other's toes, it creates chaos and people get territorial over their sorrow. Pain, misery, and loss, it's about the only thing we have right now. 

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1 hour ago, Solomon'sGirl said:

I might not understand what's going on, but I will say that I wasn't in the right mind for a couple weeks after my significant other passed. I'm still sometimes a little off. My mom and sister both actually tried arguing with me just days after he passed. I say try because I didn't really engage in much. They were feeling helpless. I finally got to a point where I realized what was going on and told them that I just have zero energy to argue or care about anything other than Thad. Every single thing they were upset about seemed petty to me. We moved past it fairly quickly though. It took them understanding that I loved them and appreciated everything they were doing, but I just couldn't possibly be my usual self at that time. I still have to remove myself from certain situations/conversations. So with all that being said, your cousin might be hurt that you blew her off. However, she should also be understanding of what it's like to lose your partner. It's hard to do unless you've actually lost them. I'm sorry for what was said. It seems very insensitive. I don't have Facebook. I haven't posted anything on any social media about what's happened. But I've alway been a private person. I do talk to those that I see in person. But grieving is different for everyone. How I handle it might not work for you and vice versa. Honestly, how I handle this doesn't even work for me at times. It's just difficult and sad and unfair. So if you want to post about it, then post about it. Whatever helps you, do it. I'm so sorry she's not being supportive as you would like her to be. 

I say it helps, but then when I really think about it I don't know if it does. I just miss him. It's as if daily it's a recurring nightmare, almost as if it doesn't feel real. I too don't feel as if I have the energy to argue about it, I guess that's the reason I haven't texted her back. I look at it as what's the point it's not going to bring Joe back. This whole thing has taught me people don't understand what it's like, but I do believe the reason behind the whole thing is because I didn't accept her offer, but again I didn't and still don't want anything but my Husband to come back. I don't have the energy to have any close relationships. Thank you for giving me your point of view. 

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12 minutes ago, Sadaf Nazim said:

I don't think posting on social media about our loved ones is a bad thing. We want to keep them alive in our everything. That's all. All we have is there memories now. Atleast we can freely express our love for them wherever we want. 

 

Thank you. 

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10 minutes ago, Andy said:

Without the proper context of this "relationship" and the history of this current attitude towards you, I would hesitate to assign blame or point a finger, but, as Solomon'sGirl said, this is a very hard time for anyone NOT you to understand what you feel, and what you need to cope. Also, I'm very selective about to whom I speak about my wife with and outside of this forum and one other, I have zero social network presence. I still text my wife's phone though, I "talk" to her everyday, I wear our wedding bands around my neck, I ask her for help everyday. It is unfortunate that your cousin isn't understanding, but I've found that very few people are because they simply can't understand. People will take your grief, your sorrow and make it about them. I've had this happen to me. I've decided to just let this person go. I'll be congenial if pressed, but beyond that, I barely have enough emotional energy to care about what I need to care about, I sure don't have enough to spare for meaningless and ultimately pointless relationships. I've lost my wife, just about any other loss pales in comparison. 

I am very sorry though, all those "connections" that we have because of our beloveds, some remain, others unravel. It just adds to our pain, it makes our situations  even more convoluted. Nothing good at all. If posting helps you, then you keep posting. If she can't understand, or anyone else for that matter, you don't owe them an explanation. An entirely new reality started for us the day our beloveds passed, we have to live this new life the best we can, with or without anyone's understanding.

Andy  

Wow, thank you. Your words spoke to me because I feel the exact way. I post on there because there's some part of me that feels as if he's going to log on and see it. I too text my husband daily. I still have my wedding rings on and I have his on a necklace, it will stay that way forever. I've read that text message over and over again and I just can't believe how "heartless" it is. I've lost my husband and because I don't welcome you, I deserve to be talked to as if I have no feelings. As mentioned before, I barely have energy to get out of bed much less engage in a pointless argument. 

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I'm actually confused on why struggles is in parentheses as if dealing with losing a spouse is not something to be considered a struggle. I just don't get it, I read the whole thing over and over again and begin to question if those things are true, is there something wrong with me, am I grieving wrong...

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1 minute ago, Mrsviden said:

Wow, thank you. Your words spoke to me because I feel the exact way. I post on there because there's some part of me that feels as if he's going to log on and see it. I too text my husband daily. I still have my wedding rings on and I have his on a necklace, it will stay that way forever. I've read that text message over and over again and I just can't believe how "heartless" it is. I've lost my husband and because I don't welcome you, I deserve to be talked to as if I have no feelings. As mentioned before, I barely have energy to get out of bed much less engage in a pointless argument. 

You text him, you talk to him, you write him letters, you do what makes you feel as best as you can. People who don't understand that can't help you, and that's your number one priority, your health and sanity. I must admit, before my wife's passing (almost 3 months now), I had no understanding, but I didn't act like a clueless buffoon. 

As an aside, and this is a personal perspective, your beloved does "see" your messages, and I imagine it's very much appreciated. It is comforting though, yes? We still get to engage in something that was part of our life, it makes us still feel some part of the world functions the way it used to. 

Post here and as often as you feel the need. So many wonderful people here with a willingness to share their pain just to help others. It's about the only thing that helps me on my "darker" days. 

Comfort and peace to you,

Andy

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8 minutes ago, Mrsviden said:

I'm actually confused on why struggles is in parentheses as if dealing with losing a spouse is not something to be considered a struggle. I just don't get it, I read the whole thing over and over again and begin to question if those things are true, is there something wrong with me, am I grieving wrong...

Mrsviden, NO, you aren't grieving wrong, that's almost impossible considering they're aren't any rules for this. And those who don't understand don't get to make up any rules for you or anybody else. If I may suggest something, perhaps you may want to avoid reading that text? Her callousness has managed to exert a certain hold on your grief, causing you to question yourself, and as a fellow "traveler" in this valley, she doesn't have the right. If possible, let this unfortunate episode go, it is NOT worth anymore of your tears, your pain, you have enough to think about, things that need attending, this, especially now, isn't one of them. 

You are not doing anything wrong. 

Andy

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Mrsviden,

I'm sorry I'm coming in to this conversation so late.  I'm going to reply to your original post, and then go back and read the other responses, while it's fresh on my mind.
 

I would honestly let these people go.  They have no comprehension of your love with your husband OR your loss and it appears they have no interest in learning about it.  Is it wrong to post what you're feeling on FB?  No, not wrong.  Understanding it's going out to a whole host of people, though, and most are not going to understand the grief process or your feelings, you might consider writing him a letter...I have a computer file that I add letters to George into, have since he died.  They're just between me and him, no one else sees them.

I'm glad you've joined this forum, this is a place you can safely post your feelings and know they're valid and know you're understood by many people who are going through similar experiences in their own grief journey.  

Reading how these people treated you breaks my heart for you, it makes me want to put my arms around you and hold you and let you cry.  I'm so sorry.  Sometimes we are reminded we don't get to choose family we're born to, but we did get to choose the person we married and that meant everything in the world, that's why the loss is so great.

(((hugs)))

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8 hours ago, Andy said:

People will take your grief, your sorrow and make it about them

Very insightful!  We don't have it in us to deal with their crap when they do it though, it takes everything within us to get through the grief...

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8 hours ago, Mrsviden said:

An entirely new reality started for us the day our beloveds passed, we have to live this new life the best we can, with or without anyone's understanding.

Another very good point!

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8 hours ago, Andy said:

I must admit, before my wife's passing (almost 3 months now), I had no understanding, but I didn't act like a clueless buffoon. 

I love it! :D  To all those thoughtless buffoons!

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Mrsviden---My heart goes out to you. Do for yourself what you need to. Forgive and forget those who don't understand. I like what Andy said about our sorrow as being territorial. We do get territorial with our grieving. It is ours alone to bear. No one else has the right to tell us what they think we should or should not be doing. They are not in our shoes. They have no clue what it is like to lose your soulmate. (HUGS)

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At the end of the day, I think what we are dealing with is so encompassing, so catastrophic in its consequences, that it is impossible for others, NOT us, to understand. I think looking from the outside towards "us", people haven't the context or capacity to empathize, and that's as it should be. I expect no one to get this. My issue is with people who, whether intentional or not, end up attempting to diminish our grief. I have an example that nearly made me lose my head. My daughter has a supervisor who is a two time survivor of breast cancer. She's been out with that sickness, but recently returned to work. My daughter and she were having a conversation about a recently slain police officer in a county next to ours. In the course of this conversation, my daughters supervisor told her, "just remember, some people have it much worse than you, your mom "just" died, but this man was killed in the line of duty. Their situation is much worse." What. The. Hell? My daughters mom "just" died, a normal, old fashioned death? So, in her imaginary scale of grief intensity, dying suddenly and unexpectedly isn't so bad, because it was from natural causes? And to tell my daughter that she doesn't have it THAT bad? She had to plead with me not to go up there and give her an education or at least point out her colossal ignorance. Losing any of our loved ones is horrifically painful and I would NEVER suggest that anybody's pain is relative to the "type" of death that was involved. I was beside myself, my daughter though, was a bit more calm, figuring that her boss's recent fight with cancer has perhaps clouded her judgement or altered her perception? So, she chose to let it go. Do NOT try and qualify someone's grief by establishing parameters. Suicide gets a 10, murder a 9, alien abduction an 8 and eaten by a shark gets a solid 7 on the grief scale?  My wife must be around a 4 or 5. I honestly wish I could say I've heard it all or nothing surprises me, but, I'm always disappointed to discover that somebody out there is ready to unleash an entirely new dimension of stupid.

Sorry for my vent, but I thought it was appropriate considering Mrsviden's own encounter with cold and idiotic behavior.

Andy  

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I kept thinking about Mrsviden's experience all day yesterday.  That her grandma would bring up how they hadn't wanted her to marry him in the first place, AFTER HE'S DEAD!, really struck a wrong chord!  That is so beyond inappropriate!  The fact is, she did marry him, they were a family, they loved each other, she's been hit with the hardest blow of her life in losing him, she's grappling just to get through the day in light of this loss, they were obviously happy together or she wouldn't be grieving so heavily, and for anyone to say THAT to her NOW?!! is beyond wrong!  Honestly, they're lucky I'm not around them to say what I think to them!  I have no tolerance for anyone so cruel.  And these people are her relatives?  Make some friends, anyone has to be more supportive than that!

And the cousin that got so snippy, geez!  She's making this all about her!  Well it's not about her, it's about Mrsviden and HER loss!  The cousin needs to get over it!  

Mrsviden, I can't emphasize enough how horribly these people responded to you in your time of loss.  Keep pouring your heart out to us, we understand and we're here listening.  I'm so sorry.

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18 hours ago, Andy said:

My daughter and she were having a conversation about a recently slain police officer in a county next to ours. In the course of this conversation, my daughters supervisor told her, "just remember, some people have it much worse than you, your mom "just" died, but this man was killed in the line of duty. Their situation is much worse."

OMG!  I think I would have responded, "SO INAPPROPRIATE!  You just invalidated my grief.  I'm sorry you don't know how to respond to someone in their loss."  and walked off.  Supervisor or not, she's so way out of line!  What an idiot!  I'm sorry, I can't believe some people.

GRIEF 101: Never compare losses.  It invalidates one of them unjustly.

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People should think before they open their mouth. I am speechless that a slain police officer's death is a worse situation than a young girl losing her mother. And people wonder why some us who are grieving, isolate ourselves as much as possible. Insensitive, ignorant people heaping more hurt onto us is not acceptable.

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5 hours ago, KayC said:

OMG!  I think I would have responded, "SO INAPPROPRIATE!  You just invalidated my grief.  I'm sorry you don't know how to respond to someone in their loss."  and walked off.  Supervisor or not, she's so way out of line!  What an idiot!  I'm sorry, I can't believe some people.

GRIEF 101: Never compare losses.  It invalidates one of them unjustly.

Minimizing someone else's grief is as tasteless and demeaning as one can get. Needless to say, my response would've been less than eloquent. I don't understand. From what my daughter tells me, this supervisor has a need to tell everyone about her stuggles with cancer, even complete strangers and customers. I think maybe there might be some sort of "attention" component in her motivation. If someone else's problem became larger, it might eclipse her need for pity? I really don't know, but it makes as much sense as anything else. 

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4 hours ago, KMB said:

People should think before they open their mouth. I am speechless that a slain police officer's death is a worse situation than a young girl losing her mother. And people wonder why some us who are grieving, isolate ourselves as much as possible. Insensitive, ignorant people heaping more hurt onto us is not acceptable.

You've brought up a good point. I think that part of my need for isolation, at times anyway, is because of not wanting to try and untangle myself from an awkward situation. Situations created by unthinking but primarily well meaning people. It's odd, but I've recently remembered something that was said to me at my wife's viewing/visitation, it's odd because I had forgotten about it until last evening. This person, a friend of ours through my daughters soccer "career", was with his two daughters and ex wife. As they expressed their condolences and each hugged me, the father said "well, give me a call, it looks like we'll both be single, I just got divorced again." I don't even know what to say. Really? We'll BOTH be single? Apparently, in his way of thinking, a lawyers office and a funeral home are synonymous. That night was a blur, and there's a lot of people that are slowly creeping back into my memory from that evening, so I guess I'm glad I didn't remember it. I wish I hadn't. I hope I've never said anything so vacuous and out of line as some of the things I've heard. 

 

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To all. Im so angry, Why should we let these ignorant, horrible people upset us by the stupid things they feel the need to say, whether they be family or not, havent we had enough heartache without these people giving us a bit more, they have no idea what its like, i find myself becoming more withdrawn from people now, i avoid people that i know really dont care about my loss,  i only want to spend time with people who genuinely care about me, other than that i would rather lock myself in my home and feel lonely, i miss him so much, i loved everything about him he was my world and my everything, todays been a bad day for me, and i'm sorry for all of you that has had bad things said to you, shame on  all them that said them x

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Meesh, I'm so sorry about the day you're having. I think I've had more than my share the last week or so. Unfortunately, I'll have countless others. I myself am so incredibly lonely, missing my wife, and there not being one thing I can do about it, is torture. I too avoid most people other than the very few who are genuinely concerned and are helpful in action, not just words. Sometimes I wish I could just disappear, not self destructive, but just sell all I have, throw some clothes in a bag, and just drive. Any direction, no destination, just go. Of course, that's not an option, I have my parents and especially my little girl to care for. 

People do say stupid things, no filter between their brain and mouth I suppose. It's easy for me to see why they don't get it, but still, conjuring up some inane comment can be both hurtful and anger inducing. Sadly, it's just another part of this dreadful "new" world we occupy. 

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5 hours ago, Andy said:

Meesh, I'm so sorry about the day you're having. I think I've had more than my share the last week or so. Unfortunately, I'll have countless others. I myself am so incredibly lonely, missing my wife, and there not being one thing I can do about it, is torture. I too avoid most people other than the very few who are genuinely concerned and are helpful in action, not just words. Sometimes I wish I could just disappear, not self destructive, but just sell all I have, throw some clothes in a bag, and just drive. Any direction, no destination, just go. Of course, that's not an option, I have my parents and especially my little girl to care for. 

People do say stupid things, no filter between their brain and mouth I suppose. It's easy for me to see why they don't get it, but still, conjuring up some inane comment can be both hurtful and anger inducing. Sadly, it's just another part of this dreadful "new" world we occupy. 

Andy, i am sorry for your pain also, your right it is torture, i also would like to run away sometimes but like you ive got responsibilites and so cant, tues, weds and thurs i work long days and now i look forward to it more than ever now, i run a busy shop and it takes my mind away from my grief but on the other days my grief is overwhelming, i just want him back, simple as, and i know that will never happen and i dont know how i am ever gonna get to somekind of normality again, ive even forgot what normality is like. Got some nice news last wk, im goin to be a granma for first time, my daughter is due on nov 20th, the anniversary of his accident, (im seeing that as a sign to help my grief) wish he was here to share the joy with me but i cant wait to cuddle that little bundle of joy, i think it will surely help with my grieving, i hope you have some better days ahead andy, take care .

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Congratulations on your impending "grandmotherhood", that is a sign, a sign that despite all of the pain and sorrow, life does go on. I'm sure he'll be enjoying that little bundle of joy along with you. 

Its good you have a job/place to go to take you away from the daily grief, at least temporarily. My job is "just a job", nothing I particularly like, but it's like the rest of my life now, it's lost what color it may have ever had. 

I think this state we're in, the sadness and loneliness, the never ending longing for our departed beloveds, this IS our new normal. Perhaps it'll ease off, our coping will become more refined maybe, but nothing will ever look or feel the same. At least that's how I feel about it, and it's not very optimistic, but a great deal of my optimism died when my wife did. But I keep trying. 

Meesh, I hope you find rest, comfort and peace, hang in there,

Andy 

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Meesh, Congrats on becoming a grandmother! Little ones have a special way of getting us to smile and appreciate life.

I know you are having bad days, our grieving takes a toll and overshadows us. Like Andy said, this is our new normal. Under the surface, we will be grieving the rest of our life. I hope for all our sakes, it gets easier to coexist with our loss.

Your beloved will be the first to hold your grandchild in Heaven. He'll be watching over her, just the same as he watches over you and your family. Take care, Meesh.

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23 hours ago, Andy said:

If someone else's problem became larger, it might eclipse her need for pity?

You may have hit the nail on the head!

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Meesh, so glad for your good news!  I hope it gives that time a new fresh meaning.

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I have been doing the Facebook more than before. I didn't keep picture or cards I don't have jewelry from him, because I lose stuff. I felt I had him so I didn't need that stuff and it could be something left over from when my son had rsv and almost died. So it almost felt like to me saving everything meant I thought I would lose them. You said something else but my brain is fried. If you use apple products there is this app cAllwd day one and it is a really awesome diary where you can add pics videos link drawings and it reminds you to write in it which helps

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Bobbers,  I'm glad you found another outlet like the Apple App. Getting a reminder for daily writing would be something I would need.

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To everyone who has responded thank you so very much. I haven't logged on in awhile so I'm just seeing it all. My heart hurts so bad today is our anniversary (the one where he asked me to be his girlfriend) my heart is absolutely broken, as much as I want to say I just don't have the energy to say it all. I'm so tired of people not understanding how it feels and when people say mean and hurtful things there are no consequences we simply have to let it not bother us. Letting go of family is hard, because I feel like I've lost so much already. I lost my best friend, my soulmate, my husband all in one person. I think on what we would do tonight for our anniversary, we would probably take a little weekend away just us and relax. I miss the way his hand felt in mine, the way I felt when he kissed me. I just miss him. This isn't fair, none of it is. 

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When Andy said "if someone else's problem became larger it may eclipse her need for pity, I couldn't explain how much that makes sense. 

If losing a spouse/partner was their problem they would want the same pity that we want. It's not necessarily me wanting someone to feel sorry for me, I just want someone to understand that this isn't a minor problem. Instead it's us trying to find ourselves again, trying to pick up millions of pieces, adjusting to a whole different way of life. And it's nights where you just wish you wouldn't wake up the next day, missing someone so much and there's not a destination you can travel to until it's your time to go. 

My heart hurts not only for myself but that there are millions of people on this site and millions who aren't going through the exact same thing I am. I pray for everyone's peace and comfort. 

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Mrsviden----Sending my prayers to you today. Your anniversary date, these *firsts* are extremely hard to get through. It is hard to get the understanding, the listening, that we need from family and friends. Unless they have lost a partner/spouse, people just are not equipped in knowing what to say, how to handle another's pain. What we need is an listening ear, a hug. We are dealing with the biggest, most traumatic experience a person can have, (outside of losing a child). We lost the person who made us whole, completed us, gave our lives meaning and purpose. We lost our constant companion, our best friend. We lost our *everything*. We have to stand strong together and find out who we are now and a new life.   Take care of yourself.

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4 hours ago, Mrsviden said:

 

If losing a spouse/partner was their problem they would want the same pity that we want. It's not necessarily me wanting someone to feel sorry for me, I just want someone to understand that this isn't a minor problem. Instead it's us trying to find ourselves again, trying to pick up millions of pieces, adjusting to a whole different way of life. And it's nights where you just wish you wouldn't wake up the next day, missing someone so much and there's not a destination you can travel to until it's your time to go. 

 

Mrsviden, your words are what i am thinking but i am not as articulate as you to put my thoughts into words, i am feeling all your pain aswel as my own, i have had a strange wk of emotions, i have laughed, i av cried, and at the end of my wk i am sat on my own longing for the love of my life to come back to me, and knowing that will never be, how rubbish is my life now, who am i? Where am i? Where am i going? Wherever life takes me i know i wont be with the one that i was truly happy with, so i have to try find happiness in another way, i'm not even sure i av the strength for it but i will try my best to live life best as i can x so glad i have this forum of people that understand x

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You ever feel like you wish the people on this site were in the same city as you so you can just go up to them and hug someone who knows the pain, the hurt, the loneliness we feel? Meesh, this week I had midterms at school but in the back of my mind I knew that Friday was our anniversary, I have had a roller coaster of emotions, which I know are normal, but it's like when you have those good days, you know the bad ones are right behind them. I say that because sometimes I'm so busy I don't get enough time to really sit down and think, it's still on my mind obviously, but not just nothing but downtime. Today was the first day I haven't had to be anywhere or do anything and on top of it all i mentioned previously our anniversary--double whammy...it's almost as if I was coming off a high of some sort. 

I do not know who I am anymore, I do not know how I'm even making it, I guess because I don't have a choice, well I do but that choice will end up in me never seeing my husband again. 

Today was another "firsts" and it was by no means easy. I miss him today more than I did yesterday, and no one other than the people on here get it. 

I recieved a text from his boss Thursday, I haven't spoken or seen him since 2 weeks after the funeral, which is fine, I think the reason I haven't reached out is because it's hard for me to picture the company going on without him, he built that company, everyone always called him the man. I know that seems silly to think but when I talked to him the other day I felt resentment because again he was one of those that said we are family and just because Joes gone doesn't mean we stop being family, well like I said I haven't talked to them since Jan. 18. Long story I know but he wants to get together and play golf and I just don't know if I want to or not. 

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Mrsviden, if you dont want to go golfing then dont, one thing this grief has taught me and that is i will not waste a second on people that i know arnt sincere or dont really care, because lets face it people go back to their own lifes and we are left with the total emptiness and devastation. All i have in my world now is my 2 grown up kids, my partners 2 grown up kids( they have both been good to me since his passing) my sister and a handful of close friends, when they all ask me how i am, they mean it, most other people dont really care so i just say "i'm fine" even tho my heart has been broken into a million pieces i still say it and they can either be glad ive said that so they dont av to make some false comforting words up or they can think oh shes soon got ok after her loss, but either way i dont care what they think, sorry for ranting, i just get angry and bitter after what has happened to me, maybe i always will x i agree i wish we could all be in the same city because only we all know what we are going through, take care x

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I would do what I have to do to get by. I post all the time on my facebook & his. I simply do not care what people think. They don't know my struggles and the pain of losing my husband. 

One of my sister couldn't even offer a word of condolences and I really don't give a crap either. She came crying to me when her husband cheated on her and when my husband dies she acts like I should be over him and move on. While she wept and fought for a guy who was nothing but a loser. I don't need her. 

Times like this really does show the true colors of people and it makes it okay for me as I now know who I should invest my time & energy in. I have set goals to better myself for the sake of our two young children and that's all I care about now.

I just ignore them because arguing or explaining myself simply takes too much. 

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13 hours ago, Meesh said:

Mrsviden, if you dont want to go golfing then dont, one thing this grief has taught me and that is i will not waste a second on people that i know arnt sincere or dont really care, because lets face it people go back to their own lifes and we are left with the total emptiness and devastation. All i have in my world now is my 2 grown up kids, my partners 2 grown up kids( they have both been good to me since his passing) my sister and a handful of close friends, when they all ask me how i am, they mean it, most other people dont really care so i just say "i'm fine" even tho my heart has been broken into a million pieces i still say it and they can either be glad ive said that so they dont av to make some false comforting words up or they can think oh shes soon got ok after her loss, but either way i dont care what they think, sorry for ranting, i just get angry and bitter after what has happened to me, maybe i always will x i agree i wish we could all be in the same city because only we all know what we are going through, take care x

Don't ever apologize for ranting, that is what this site is for. I've done my fair share of ranting on here. I'm a people pleaser and that is a huge problem, whether I want to do something or not I feel as if I can't say no because I don't want to hurt someone's feelings, although they don't care if they hurt mine in the meantime. I've quickly learned that when people ask how you are, majority of them don't give a crap if you're having a day from hell or it's a "good" day. I've learned just as you have to just smile and say I'm fine even though I'm not. I hope you're having a good day today. 

--mrsviden

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4 hours ago, Chasisdope said:

I would do what I have to do to get by. I post all the time on my facebook & his. I simply do not care what people think. They don't know my struggles and the pain of losing my husband. 

One of my sister couldn't even offer a word of condolences and I really don't give a crap either. She came crying to me when her husband cheated on her and when my husband dies she acts like I should be over him and move on. While she wept and fought for a guy who was nothing but a loser. I don't need her. 

Times like this really does show the true colors of people and it makes it okay for me as I now know who I should invest my time & energy in. I have set goals to better myself for the sake of our two young children and that's all I care about now.

I just ignore them because arguing or explaining myself simply takes too much. 

Thank you for your response. I agree with you when you say people show their true colors, people who I thought would be there weren't, and I'm not one to reach out anyways and even more so now I don't think I should have to be the one to be checking on them, when they have gone back to their normal lives and mine is very very far from normal. My life will never be normal. I find posting on his wall and mine keeps our love story alive and that is what my priority is. 

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