It's been 4 weeks & 5 days & it still feels like a dream!

[AKBsgirl]

I am new to this site so not sure what to do or say. All i know is the man i thought i was gonna grow old with is no longer here and I have never felt so lost and alone in my life. 

[reader]

 Dear AKSsgirl,

I'm so sorry for your loss. I know the pain is deep. All your feelings are natural and normal. Please know that you are not alone. We are all here to listen and support you in anyway we can. Thinking of you.

[Francine]

4 hours ago, AKBsgirl said:

I am new to this site so not sure what to do or say. All i know is the man i thought i was gonna grow old with is no longer here and I have never felt so lost and alone in my life. 

I know the feeling.  For me, its been 3 1/2 months and like you, it still feels unreal - like I'm in this nightmare and I, for the life of me, can't seem to awake up.  The pain is excruciating and unrelenting. Few events in your life is as painful.  You might be uncertain you will survive this loss and at some point may not even want to - God knows I did.  You might not think you have the energy or desire to heal.  Welcome the the grief club.  It can be often frightening, overwhelming and sometimes very, very lonely.   I'm not going to tell you that with time, it gets better, because I don't think it ever does - it'll get different. I think the hardest part of losing someone isn't having to say goodbye, but rather learning to live without them.  Always trying to fill the void, the emptiness that's left inside your heart when they go.

The man you thought you were going to live out the rest of your life with is now gone.  This was the love of your life; the person you shared your life with and was part of you.  When my Charles dies, I died too; they just forgot to bury me.  It's natural and normal for you to feel confused, disoriented, fearful, guilty, angry and maybe not sure of who you are, after all, you just lost the person you loved, lived with and depended on. Try to remember that because he lived and loved, your life is better, richer and fuller.  Hold on to the memories you both made and shared together. 

Grief can sometimes leave you fatigued, your ability to think clearly may be impaired and your energy level may slow you down.  Respect what your body and mind are telling you. Try to get daily rest and eat balanced meals.  You're gonna have some busy days ahead of you; try to lighten your schedule as much possible.  Take one baby step at a time; if you must, tiptoe; before you realize it, you would have taken a giant step.

Give God your broken heart; he made it so he can fix it.   I hope you continue to post.  This website has some amazing people who are not afraid to share their stories and offer you words of comfort, encouragement and support.  Know that you are in prayers.  God Bless and keep you, keep us all, safe.

[KayC]

AKBsgirl,

I'm sorry for your loss, we know how it is, that is what happened to us as well.  It's been nearly 12 years for me, my husband had just turned 51, it was unexpected and such a shock.  In the early months I remember feeling frantic, scared, panic attacks, couldn't sleep, crying, all my friends disappeared.  The intensity of early grief evolves into something a little more tolerable, but it feels just barely tolerable sometimes, I miss him each and every day.  Thoughts of him that used to cause me great pain now bring me a smile and comfort, and I've learned to carry him inside me.  For the rest of my life I know there was this one person that love me, got me, understood, related, we clicked, we communicated well, we loved each other beyond imagination!  And that sustains me now that I'm growing old alone.  I will be with him again someday.

[KMB]

AKBsgirl----I was new to this site not too long ago. Just start typing, getting all those thoughts and feelings out. We are in this together. We are experiencing a tragic loss that we didn't want. I am so sorry for the loss of your husband. I know how lost and lonely you feel. I lost my husband, my soulmate, 7 months and 1 week ago. Sudden cardiac arrest. Nothing could be done. I am still lost and lonely. I've had every emotion with my loss that a person can have. I've had panic attacks that lasted most of the day. I still have the occasional one, usually in the morning, when reality slaps you in the face. I still cry on and off throughout the day. I cry a lot at night. I do write a letter to my husband every night. I just feel the need to stay as connected to him as I can. I've been angry too. Angry at the medical professionals who kept saying my husband would be ok for another 2 or 3 years( my husband had congestive heart failure, associated with his diabetes). He had bypass surgery. Angry with family and friends who don't understand my grieving and have gone back to their own lives. People who have never gone through the loss of a spouse, don't understand that it is in the following weeks, months, many months, down the road that you need support.

Please, keep posting. This forum has become a life line for many of us. My heart is with you.

[Sadaf Nazim]

It's been 4 months and 13 days for me. And like you, I too feel it's all a dream. 

[KayC]

KMB, your post really touched me.  I have a close friend who has CHF and it scares me the thought of him not making it.  I hate that we can lose someone we love at any given moment.

[KMB]

KayC----I'm sorry for your friend who has CHF. There is no cure. The heart keeps getting weaker. We were doing everything right. Quad bypass surgery. Medications, etc. Diabetes didn't do any favors.