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Staying At The Apt You Shared with your Loved One?


BKS Love

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A little over a month ago I lost the love of my life, my soulmate. This has been a really difficult time for me, I think about him 24/7. We lived together, and he suffered from bipolar and the day he passed away it was due to him not being in the right state of mind. He had broken the window and jumped out. I truly believe he did not know what he was doing, and did not do this with intentions of it being fatal. I have been staying at my parents house ever since the incident happened. Now I am at a crossroad. I don't know if I should stay living at the apartment, or if I should move. My struggle is that we shared so many good memories there. I look around and see everything that he put together for us. Everything at the apartment reminds me of him. I want to stay for those memories. But I struggle with the fact that the tragic incident where I lost him took place in our bedroom. I am afraid I will constantly think about that night. I obsess over that night everyday, thinking what could I have done differently so that I could save him. I have received mixed opinions from my friends, but I wanted to get advice from others that have had similar losses in their lives. Should I stay at the apartment and cherish the good memories, or will that tragic night haunt me everyday? I would appreciate any feedback I can get. I am really struggling with what to do. 

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Dear BKS Love,

I'm so sorry for your loss.  I know the pain and sorrow is overwhelming. Maybe take more time to make this decision about going back to the apartment. Please do not put pressure on yourself to make a decision right now. Its a tough one. And its only natural to have this struggle.  I'm sorry I could not be more helpful but I know others will come forward with better advice. Take care, thinking of you during this difficult time.

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I'm sorry for your loss, and for the pressure you're feeling to make a decision.  It's expensive keeping an apartment you aren't using.  I don't know your financial situation, if you can afford to keep paying rent there, if not you might want to pack up your things so you don't lose them to your landlord.  This is an individual decision no one can make for you.  Some people choose to begin with new surroundings because they can't bear to be around the old place, others choose to keep everything just like it was because they find comfort being around his things and the memories.  We can't know what feels right to you, but whatever feels best is what I would go with.  

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My husband died on my living room floor. A room that he specifically designed and built for me. Because I love sunshine, the windows were special sizes and that kind of stuff. It took me over a month to decide it was time to get my hiney back into the room he built for me. I spent a lot of time dwelling on the fact that was where he died. BUT I also know that he built that room specifically for me. I pushed myself and there isnt a room in my house I cant go into now, verus sitting on the porch in 20 degree weather every day, except to go to the bathroom and to bed. There is hope that you can go back to your apartment but only you can make that decision. It took me many tries before I got myself back into my living room but once I did it, I was a little more at peace with his death, if you can ever be in such a state.

I wish you lots of peace in whatever decision you make.

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Thank you for y'all's input. When it first happened I couldn't even bring myself to go to the apt to get my things. I had my family go. He had moved in with me when I lived in a different unit in the same complex. We moved into this unit together. I remember how excited we were about getting this one, it was bigger and nicer. But now I resent it because of the way I lost him, we used to live on the third floor, now this unit was on the 6th. I keep thinking I wish we stayed on the third and maybe he would still be here today. No matter where I go, if I decide to go, I will have his things hung up. I'm going to try to spend a night there and see how I do. I feel like I can be okay during the day, but the night time is what scares me. The window the incident happened in is literally right by the bed. I keep thinking I want to stay for the feeling that he is with me, but then I think am I going to constantly be looking at the front door, waiting for him to come home? I think about this decision day and night. I know I can't live there forever because I am just renting. But idk I'm going crazy it seems like...why does life have to be this difficult? The loss of a loved one is something I don't wish upon anyone. 

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BKS, I guess you won't know unless/until you try it out, but you can always change your mind and move if you can't handle it.  Either way is okay, it's whatever feels best for YOU that matters.  (((hugs)))

Sharyn, I'm glad you're more at peace now.  And a room he specially built for you, that must bring you comfort.  I'm sorry for the mixed emotions that has to involve.

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BKS,

My heart goes out to you and I'm truly sorry for your loss.  You have a really big decision to make -  stay or go?  For me, it was a no brainer.  I've been staying with my daughter, off and on, since my Charles was taken from this earth.  While she wants me to move in with her and my grandchildren permanently, I know it's not what I want. Eventually, my goal is to be home 100% and I know I will - the home my husband and I loved and shared; the home he was born and raised in; the home we brought our new born babies home to; the home we raised our children in; the home we remodeled to meet our needs; the home that holds so many wonderful memories for me; the home that gave me so much love and comfort - his home, my home - OUR home.   I think a house is made of bricks and beams, while a 'home' - our home was made of hopes, dreams and hard work.

Don't beat yourself up thinking there may have been something you could have done to save your loved one.  There wasn't; you did everything earthly possible.  Never let an earthly circumstance disable you spiritually.  I'm very certain that we leave our heavenly father with an overwhelming desire to return to him - in death, we do just that.  Remember the love the two of you shared and not the loss.  Remember, because your soul mate lived, how richer, brighter and wonderful your life has been.  Never forget the memories you both made and shared.  Life is not measured by the breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. Hold on to those memories.

Sometimes we can't get away from yourselves by moving from one place to another, but you can get yourself out of the way to come back stronger.   I get it, sometimes you need a break to get away from everything; some days you just want to run away, turn off your phone and go somewhere and think all day.   In making your decision, realize you never really leave a place you love, you take a part of it with you....and leave a part of you behind. 

I'm truly sorry you or anyone having to visit this website, but because you have, know that we are all on the horrible journey together to uplift, comfort and encourage one another.  I hope you continue to post. My prayer is for God to grant you peace, love and strength during this most difficult time.  Stay Strong.

 

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BKS Love----So sorry for the tragic loss of your soulmate. I know how devastated you feel. I have no advice for you as for staying at your apartment. I have a similar circumstance as Francine. I live in the home my husband grew up in. I could never move away from the place my husband loved and we made into our home.

I know how empty and lonely you feel. Just try staying at the apartment for a night as you mention. Sleep on the sofa instead of in the bedroom. See how it goes.

Keep posting as you see the need to. The forum has many wonderful, caring people, willing to share, support and listen. Hugs to you.

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My husband died two weeks ago and I thought I wouldn't be to go in our place. I wanted to leave everything we owned, but our son talked me into going back. I told him I would try one night and I'm glad I did. I like seeing our stuff, but I'm moving slow. I didn't clean or change anything until I felt ready. I waited a week before I went in our room even though it will probably be a while if at all until I can sleep in there. I don't let anyone in our room. I haven't changed the sheets and may not was them when I change them and pack them away. I'm just taking it slow and trying not to make any decisions I can't take back. I'm new at this but this has helped me so far. I've also had to learn how to be firm with people trying to help me. There was a dead plant my mom wanted to throw away and I told her I wasn't ready and she needs to accept it even though she mightullt  not understand. I'm so sorry about the guilt you feel, everyone will tell you there is nothing you could have done, but it doesn't make me feel less guilty. I saw my husband in the hospital get fentynal twice on accident  then narcan twice and I just sat there confused. It might have not been my fault, but he was awake and fine then dead and I watched it. I think everyday if I would have said or done anything different he wouldn't have died and he would be with me and our son. Just don't make any big or fast decisions you might regret later. I really am sorry.

 

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Because the tragic indident happened at the apartment I feel like I quickly made the decision that I have to leave, because I couldn't even go to the apt at first, It was hard even driving around that side of town. I knew staying at my parents house had to be very temporary because living out of duffle bags would not be helpful in my recovery from this incident. I went and found a new apt on the other side of town and told my current apt I am leaving in two weeks. Last week I started thinking did I make the decision too soon, I know I can probably still change my mind if I make a diff decision in the next couple of days. I stayed the night at the apt with a friend of mine to see how I would feel. This is why I am still confused. I felt okay waking up in he morning, but I almost feel like I'm tricking myself if that makes sense? I felt okay because for a second I forgot what had happened. I felt good waking up in our bed. But then I look and see that window, and it reminds me of everything. As the day went on I felt like that kept happening. I would do things like I would when he was still here, but then I would remember he's gone. If I owned the house I think it would be an easier decision to stay. But since I am renting, I don't know if staying there will eventually get better, or will I be living a lie, will I be convincing myself that he is still here, and then having flashbacks from that night throughout the day?

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BKS Love

I'm so sorry for you; of course it is different when you have a house opposed to an apartment.  Sometimes moving on can be just what the doctor ordered.  Don't think of it as 'moving on' from the apartment you both shared; think about 'moving forward' with your life.  As you 'move forward', you do so with your loved one by your side, in your heart and within your breath.  No matter what you decide, know that he is a part of you now and always.  You move forward with him and continue to engage in life because of his inspiration.

It takes courage to move from what you shared with your loved one; Courage is not having the strength to go on; it is going on when you don't have the strength. Don't think too much, you'll think your whole life away.  When you need, God knows, when you ask, HE listens, when you believe, HE works and when you thanks, HE gives more.  Don't let the devil put a question mark, where God has already put a period.  Just stop, close your eyes, and follow your heart.  I guarantee you, it knows the way.  Whatever you decide, we are here for you. 

I pray that God bless and keep you, keep us all, safe.

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It sounds like the apt. is a huge trigger for you.  I don't know if or when you'd ever get past that.  You will still have your shared things, your bed, etc., right?  You are going through more than just having a place with memories, you have the memory of his death and how it happened and that is hard.  My heart goes out to you.  I pray you'll know deep inside what is best for you, listen to what your gut is telling you.  (((hugs)))

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Yeah I will still have everything, so I have some sort of comfort in that.  I have tried to stay at the apt by myself for the first time and I have mixed emotions. Part of me feels sad because I'm in our home and he isn't here with me, but part of me feels a sense of comfort because I'm in our home, if that makes sense? I just don't want to make the wrong decision, but know I need to make a decision. I just wish I could tell the future. Will I eventually be able to have a routine and not have triggers when I see the window? Or when I go to our neighborhood grocery store? Or will moving to a new apt be the right thing for me? I hate that I can't make up my mind, but I need to tell my apts what I'm doing. I just miss him so much and wish I knew what I need to do with my life. 

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BKS Love--- It is hard when you absolutely have to make a decision during this time. Maybe try to find a quiet time and place and listen to what your intuition says. Our *little voice* inside us never steers us wrong. Other decisions, choices, they'll unfold the way they are meant to in their own time. Hang in there.

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2 hours ago, BKS Love said:

part of me feels a sense of comfort because I'm in our home

If you give it up you won't have that comfort somewhere else but there are others who have had to move right after loss and they've consoled themselves by having a fresh start and having their things with them.  It does sound like you're torn...listen to the side that speaks the loudest.

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Thank you KayC. I like to write my boyfriend letters to help put my emotions to paper. Until I wrote this down I didn't even realize I felt this way. But I told him I decided to leave the apt and move elsewhere, it was a hard choice, but I don't want to create new memories in our home without him. During holidays the apartments have different events. We always went to these events together, fourth of july fireworks, music in the park, etc. I want my last memories of walking around during xmas time in the beautiful park in our complex to be with him. I don't want to create a new memory walking around the park looking at the lights without him, if that makes sense? This is really hard, and I know I will probably regret moving,but I also know I can't live here forever because I am just renting. Will I be more accepting of the decision if I decided to move in 6 months instead of next week? Maybe, but maybe not. I guess as hard as this is, I am looking at it as ripping the band aid off quickly, rather than potentially getting semi better and having to experience this feeling of separation anxiety a few months from now, or even a year from now. I feel like this tonight, and I will probably feel different tomorrow morning, seems to be the story of my life these days :/ thank you everyone for your advice and support, and I hope that by moving I am making the right decision. 

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