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Whens the right time


Meesh

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Hello everyone, i need your help and advice, its been 4 months since the love of my life and soulmate passed away and like all you i'm doing my best to get through this awful grief, i am taking a day at a time working, doing household chores, meeting friends or family at weekends pretending to be ok and enjoy myself, you all know how it is. Ive started seriously thinking about removing his things and taking them maybe to a charity shop because the last week or so they are upsetting me seeing them all the time, i find it strange and am worrying my mind is playing tricks on me because early on in my grief i got great comfort from having his things around me and now they are bothering me so what should i do? Is it too soon? Will i regret it if i do? My broken heart cant take anymore pain, i know that so i want to do the right thing, please help.

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Meesh--- I'm sorry. I cannot tell you what to do. It is your decision. I still have my husband's belongings as he left them, 7 months and 1 week tonight.

My only suggestion is to store things away for awhile. See where your comfort zone is at in a month or 2 or 3. If you miss his things out, put them back out. (HUGS)

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I have been struggling with that as well. I lost my boyfriend a little over a month ago, and his parents wanted to come take his things, not because they want it all, I think they just want a few things as memories, but I find comfort in seeing his things in our closet. I have contemplating moving to a different apartment, and I want to put his things up in there. It may be crazy, but it gives me comfort. I dont know for how long I will keep doing it, but I know that I have no intentions of giving it away anytime soon. If you feel that it upsets you, maybe donate some of his things and keep the items that meant the most to you. If it upsets you seeing them, put it away in a box for now. I think you should keep a few things, and if it is in a box you can always decide later if you want to put it back up. I think you will regret it if you give everything away. 

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kmb, bks love

thanks for your advice, i already have put a few things to one side and i will be keeping them forever, he loved his clothes and his boots and shoes, he was a snappy dresser he took pride in how he looked and i hate seeing them just hung there, he was so full of life. I will not sort through them yet i dont feel strong enough but just know that i will do it sooner rather than later, when i feel strong enough i'l take my time and keep whats means the most to me. I hate that we're all ere suffering this torture, its cruel what weve been thru and are still going thru, take care both of you x

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12 hours ago, Meesh said:

Hello everyone, i need your help and advice, its been 4 months since the love of my life and soulmate passed away and like all you i'm doing my best to get through this awful grief, i am taking a day at a time working, doing household chores, meeting friends or family at weekends pretending to be ok and enjoy myself, you all know how it is. Ive started seriously thinking about removing his things and taking them maybe to a charity shop because the last week or so they are upsetting me seeing them all the time, i find it strange and am worrying my mind is playing tricks on me because early on in my grief i got great comfort from having his things around me and now they are bothering me so what should i do? Is it too soon? Will i regret it if i do? My broken heart cant take anymore pain, i know that so i want to do the right thing, please help.

You could regret getting rid of his things, but then again you might not.  I wouldn't do too much at once, maybe box up some things and let them sit in the garage for a while.  Then if it feels okay, let them go.

When my husband died, I had to sell his car to pay it off.  Cleaning that out was very painful.  The worst was cleaning out his trailer that he stayed in during the work week (we'd gotten it the last year because he worked so far away and was having accidents commuting back and forth).  It was full of HIM and I literally cried out so loud you could hear me a block away!  My coworker had sold the car for me, even detailing it, and I wanted to give the trailer to him for his family to enjoy over the summer...now I realize that was too lofty a goal for way too soon.  I should have waited a year before even attempting it.  I've always been a practical person but when it comes to grief, there is more than just "practical" to consider.  Our emotions are on a platter!  

Our other camping trailer sat there for years...I couldn't bring myself to clean it out, and I never went camping again.  I finally gave it to my son and his wife when they needed someplace to stay for a couple of weeks in between selling one house and getting into their new one.  I let them keep it.

He died June 19 and on July 4 his closet rod broke, sending all his clothes to the floor.  I figured that was signal enough to clean out his closet, and I boxed all his clothes up, saving out the ones that especially had sentimental value to me (his fishing vest and hat, his bathrobe, some sweaters).  He had a holey t-shirt that was misshapen that he loved to work in, I kept it for years.  I still have his bathrobe hanging on the door all these years later.  The things I boxed up I donated to Sponsors 1 1/2 months later, I somehow knew inside that is where he'd want them to go since he always had a heart for down-and-outers.  

It's important to be in tune with ourselves and as long as we do what feels right to us, we'll probably be okay with our decisions.

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Kay c, i am going to take my time to sort his things, thankyou its a good idea to store them in a garage first, i dont actually have one but i could ask my sister if i could put them there im sure she wouldnt mind, thankyou for the advice x

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Meesh,

I know how you are feeling.  I'm a little over 3 1/2 month in and there was a time where I couldn't think of letting his things go - generally speaking, I thought it would be a reflection of letting him go and I just couldn't do it.   Our children (grown now) would always purchase clothes for him on his birthday, fathers day, and Christmas and my Charles was not a man to dress up often so he had lots of 'brand new' clothes (with tags still on them) hanging in our closets and in his drawers.  Since he never wore them, I was fine in donating them to the good will and/or to other relatives in the family who could use them - I did that.    My doubts are is the clothes he wore on a regular basis - I have not yet been able to give/donate them. Too much sentimental value in them.  When he was here, he'd put on this favorite cologne and sometimes I'd say, "are you sure you didn't spill the entire bottle on you?".  Right now, I'd give anything to smell him in his cologne.  I've even put some of his favorite cologne on his shirts and wear them - just to feel close to him, and smell his favorite scent.    God I love and miss that man with my entire spirit.  I know there will be some items that I will hold on to indefinitely.  

This was a topic my grief counselor discussed during my last session.  He asked how I'd feel giving Charles belongings away?  After explaining my feelings he said for some people, it may take years.  He explained that some of his clients had a “I’ll just wait until I feel better or stronger'  moment; -  and that was OK as well.  While others keep everything EXACTLY the same as it was…even their bedrooms are exactly the same.  He said it was their way of honoring their love one and keeping their memory alive.  Many feel they just can’t emotionally deal with the change or the letting go of the belongings….no matter their reason, each person is different and will know when the right time will be for them to handle that part of their grief.  My advice - Follow your heart. 

 

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I understand how you feel..it has been a little over four months since my husband was taken from us and I still have his clothes the way he left them...some still on the floor in the corner of the bathroom...I just can't bring myself to pack them up..because it's just a painful reminder that he is never coming back. I won't get rid of any of his things though..because besides my memories that's all I have left of him. I think you should pack up his stuff...don't get rid of it yet...your grief and pain is still so fresh..don't do anything at this time that you might regret when your mind is more clear...you are probably still on a rollercoaster ride of emotions and might feel different tomorrow. 

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Thankyou all for your advice, francine i wear his after shave all the time and i have a teddy he once bought me for valentines day, i spray the teddy in after shave and cuddle it in bed, i loved the smell of him, i loved everything about him, theres some things i will never let go x thankyou all and take care, its mothers day in england (dont think it is in states), im getting taken out for dinner with my kids, i so wish he was coming with me to be by my side, its such a lonely life now for all of us on this site, its weird, you can be in a room with lots of people but still the loneliness is overwhelming. comfort and peace to you all x

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This is my first post. I came upon this site just recently. 

It's both comforting and disturbing at the same time, that, so many of us share the identical emotions and sorrow over the loss of our partners.

I believe that each person's time to release or keep our soulmate's belongings is unique. My wife died from cancer 1 year and 4 months ago. In Nov 2015, we laid out the dress and stockings that my wife would wear the next day for a hospital appointment. In the morning, she was too tired to even change into the dress and we went to the hospital with her in her pyjamas and robe. Things went south drastically over the next 4 days and she never returned home after that...

I faithfully move the dress when I do the laundry and return it to it's place on the bed after I make the bed again. If people were to know, I'm sure they would urge me to seek counselling! But, I know in my heart, I'm grieving normally (for me), and I will know when the time is right when to change this ritual. 

All the triggers in our home, like clothes or pictures, a brand of food that she liked all produce sorrow for me but it's a connection for me and I can't let it go. 

I think you will know when it feels right, but the confusion of emotions that we experience is just part of the price of our love and grief.

 

 

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BSL---I'm so sorry for the loss of your beloved wife. Cancer is such an ugly disease. I've hated the word itself ever since I was a teenager and learned my grandma was dying of it. That was back in the  early 70's and no one explained it to me.

We are in this unwanted club to seek the comfort and understanding that we cannot get from family or friends who have not experienced the loss of a spouse. If someone had told me over 25 years ago that this is where I would be, I would not have believed them. My husband was a very active, productive person. We were constantly busy with life. I still have a hard time comprehending how he could be here one minute and gone the next.

You are working your way on this journey your way. Your way is the only way, just as it is for the rest of us. There are no rules or time frame.

Prayers for comfort and peace to you.

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Thank you for your kind words, KMB. Cancer is a horrible disease.

You are just past 6 months in your journey. It's no wonder that it's hard to wrap your head around the concept of your husband being gone. The void left behind seems so large when your lives were busy and entwined before the loss. I'm very sorry for your loss as well.

 

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BSL,

I'm sorry for your loss.  You are wise to realize what is of comfort to you, and it sounds like putting your wife's dress on the bed IS of comfort to you.  There is no right or wrong way to grieve, only "our way".  We can do things to make things better for ourselves or worse for ourselves, but we each discover our own path through this.  It does help to be able to share with other, to express ourselves, to know we are heard and understood by others who "get it".  This is that safe place.

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