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I lived 6 years on the run


Kistylisty

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I'm always running. I never sit still. Not since the day my husband died. N I'm tired. I'm so tired. But running all these years have taught me, to keep running. N now I don't know how to do anything else. I run from opportunity, fun, growth. I just run. From people who love and care about me. N every time I even THINK to stop, I can't breath. I can't deal. 6 years n I'm more a mess today. I just wish I could get it together but I have no idea where to start

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I sent my bff a text that said, I'll be glad when I can call a therapist. Its like something inside of me that just will not accept things for my growth. My mind says it, but my body goes in to shut down n I literally can not do it. I know my problem. I never grieved properly. I buried my husband n I disappeared from the earth with my son. I bought everything I could bc it made my happy. I fought every tear bc it made me feel weak, n I had nobody to pick me back up. N thats all I could do. I swear. Thats ALL I could do. N now not only am I alone, I'm alone 6 years later with no progression. Not in my stages of grief, my life. I'm stuck. But its not a stuck like, I'm wallowing in my pain, its a stuck like, please help me and when help arrives, I won't let them in. It makes no sense. But I can't call a doctor or a counselor. I wish. But I can't. I get panic attacks. In my mind, my husband is still here, just on vacation n I just can't admit to anyone that he is not. Bc I would die. bc there's nobody there to pick me back up when I face it.

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Kistylisty,

If ever anyone needed a PROFESSIONAL GRIEF COUNSELOR it is you.  PLEASE, for your son's sake, just make that appointment.  They will take it from there.  They will help you know where to go from here, what step to take.  No one else can do this for you.  

Panic attacks the doctor can help you with.  They are not fun to suffer, you may need some medicine.  This link has some tools for coping with anxiety:
http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2013/07/anxiety-attacks-in-grief-tools-for.html

I'm glad you reached out here.  This is a good place to start, you can voice yourself to those who get it.  But none of us can help you until you first help yourself...make that call, today!

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Oh my god, this sounds terrifying. It's only been two week I can't imagine feeling this way for six years, wow I'm so sorry you guys. 

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Kistylisty---- Glad you found this forum. Please, listen to KayC and find a professional grief counselor or grief therapist. We all understand. You cannot keep going on this way. You need help for yourself and to be able to be a stable mom for your son. Running away doesn't solve anything. Our issues follow us and you need to be courageous and get yourself some help. Professional help will provide you with the tools you need to be able to pick yourself up when you stumble and fall. You'll get to realize your own inner strength. Think about your husband. I feel he wouldn't want you to keep running away and feeling miserable.

Prayers and hugs to you.

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Bobbers,

Please don't let that scare you, everyone's journey is unique and most do not feel that way for six years.  For most of it the grief journey evolves as we adjust.  Understand we all put different effort into our grief journeys, as well as we have different personalities and coping skills and our relationships are unique.  All of these things affect how our journey proceeds.  It's important to see a Grief Counselor to start with, understanding that doctors and therapists are not all trained in grief, that's why you need to check and make sure they are professionally trained in GRIEF.  There's books, articles, (which I just posted in another thread), an on line grief course that can be taken, journaling, I even did art therapy!  And of course, there is posting and reading at grief sites, everything combines helps us with our adjustment.

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On 3/24/2017 at 0:52 AM, Kistylisty said:

I'm always running. I never sit still. Not since the day my husband died. N I'm tired. I'm so tired. But running all these years have taught me, to keep running. N now I don't know how to do anything else. I run from opportunity, fun, growth. I just run. From people who love and care about me. N every time I even THINK to stop, I can't breath. I can't deal. 6 years n I'm more a mess today. I just wish I could get it together but I have no idea where to start

You've gotta slow down if only to see who is coming after you.  Anyone can run or run away -  it's super easy; do you run to escape your problems? do you run when you're angry, unhappy?  do you run to think about what you should do with your life? Do you run so that you have something to do? Do you run because your life would be incomplete without it?  If you are running away from your problems, it is a race you'll never win. Facing problems and working through them, that's what makes you strong.

You can get it together - Love yourself, accept yourself, forgive yourself and be good to yourself.   For yourself and that of your son, who needs you desperately, seek some professional counseling.  I know its hard, but you MUST make that first step; I pray that you do

 
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