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Is this shock I'm experiencing?


Bobbers

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My husband died on March 5th. I was with him every day sine I met him at 20 years old and I am now 37. I saw him two weeks ago. I can't remember anything about us or him. The only memories I have of him is watching him die. I have had accidental thoughts about him and it has been the scariest most intense feeling I've ever felt, I can't even describe him. The first time I used the bathroom in our place I cried over shaving cream and when  I realized there is literally nothing that won't remind me of him. Being around just me family, my son and him I was satisfied and happy I didn't need anybody else. We shared everything. I'm trying to live in the exact moment, not a second ahead or behind. I don't want to forget him but I can't think about what is going on.  My psychiatrist told me I disassociate, I'm good at pushing my feelings away. I just find it unbelievable that I could push away something this life changing. I would really love to feel this way as long as I'm existing here but like I said I don't want to forget him and am confused about why it feels like it had been years since I've seen him.  Right now I just thought about a phone call we had on my birthday and there is no connection. One more thing if this is shock I'm scared of being in public or even at home and it hits me and I have a mental breakdown. I haven't cried that much, laugh with my son even thought about getting my hair cut and nothing feels right.  I have felt extreme guilt and anger. I'm lost

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Bobbers,

I'm so sorry for the loss of your husband.  I know it's one of the worst pain you can ever experience.   I think what you're going through, as we all are, is grief.  Grief can make you feel all kinds of emotions; scared, emotional, and confused.  It comes on in waves; when you're driving alone in your car; while you're doing the dishes; while you're getting ready for work...and all of a sudden it hits you, how so very much you miss that special someone, and your breath catches and your tears flow and the sadness is so so great, that it's physically painful.  God knows I have had all those emotions and more.  

Grief isn't something we get over, it's something we go through.  Sometimes I find myself dialing my husband's number and then I remember, he's never gonna answer it again, and that he's actually gone;I'll never hear his voice again.  Like you, I was *happy* and very satisfied with my Charles and as long as we were together, I needed no one else..  Just yesterday, my granddaughter, on her smart phone, was playing a game called "Would you rather"  that asked all different questions on what one would do. You only were allowed two options to answer.   One of the questions, was "If you could, would you stop time or fly"?.  Easy answer for me - "Stop Time" - I could then be with my Charles forever.   

Try not to be so hard on yourself.  Take a moment and marvel at your life, at the grief that softened you, at the heartache that wizened you, at the suffering that strengthened you and despite all that, you will be OK.   Remember no matter what happens, no matter how far you seem to be away from where you want to be, you are exactly where God wants you to be at this very moment.  Every experience is part of HIS divine plan. Never stop believing that you will somehow make it. Have an unrelenting belief that things will work out, that the long road ahead has purpose, that the thing you desire may not happen today, but it will happen. You will make it through this, and it will make you stronger.  Just Remember one thing, God is with you, HE will make everything right, at the right place, at the right time.  Continue to persevere - don't quit.  God bless you and give you the, strength, give us all strength, to make it through this most difficult time in our lives.

 

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Bobbers,

Grief seems to warp time.  It can feel both like yesterday and like a million years at the same time!  You will never forget your husband.  But it makes this all seem surreal, there have been times I've had to go look at his ID, his pictures, his handwriting because it all feels like a dream, I want proof he really existed.  I've heard several people say the same thing.  Yes, they really existed, we really had our lives together, we really live and loved incredibly...grief is the strangest thing to go through.

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