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Venting apologies


Bobbers

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I feel comfortable on hear rambling about my feeling. It is literally just me and my son in this town and my mom lives an hour away and the only way she knows how to help is by trying to control me and telling me the wrong in everything I do or feel.  I understand people are going to move on and I'm not even at the point yet of accepting he is gone. Right now I get to stress over getting a temporary death certificate so I can get money for rent. The little comfort I have is having a place to be alone and go crazy without people judging. I've accidentally though about him dead and never coming back and the feeling was scary. The funeral home is being a pain in the ass since the got my money which included fees they never talked about. Today I had to write down everything that happened at the hospital for the lawyer, I thought that would be hard but I'm pretty good at disconnecting from my feeling, my son went to school and had a good day. I am happy for that but I feel who cares and why should I be happy about anything. This shouldn't have happened. I should be grateful for little thing when non of this is fair. I feel like I'm going to spend the rest of my life existing. I wish I could get into some religion just so I would feel like he is here still but I think it would be hard for me to believe in anything that lets peoples life be destroyed for no reason. I'm afraid I'm going to isolate and never be able to connect with anyone ever. I see no future and no point besides my son, but I can't make my son take place of my husband. I wish there was a reason or answer or anything but there isn't and I just get to be here. Yay

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Hi Bobbers,

Wow, I'm sorry you're having to go through this alone. This is a safe place for working through these feelings. Feel free to vent here as often as you need.

I'm almost at the 8 month mark, but I know that for the first month I was pretty much in a state of shock. I've found that the shock wears off and reality does set in, but that in itself isn't really comforting. The reality I've found is that none of this is fair, and life isn't fair. Religion, mysticism or metaphysics offers no comfort for me. All I know how to do is to put a framework around what, to me, is essentially a pointless existence.

For me anyway, that framework is built around raising my kids and setting them up to be the best version of themselves they can possibly be. Their happiness is what's become most important in my life. That's not an easy thing, especially considering what's happened, and sometimes I screw it up, but at the end of the day, it's what is most important to me. It's what I use to keep me going. Is that enough for me to be happy, too? I guess it will have to be, because I'm all they have to depend on every day. I'll be happiest knowing they've got the best shot they can at being happy themselves. It's really all I can do.

I've found that there will be moments when life is bearable. I will always miss her, and whenever I'm doing something I know she would have enjoyed, I feel incredibly sad, if not guilty. She's constantly on my mind. I'm still new at this too, but I don't believe that that feeling ever goes away. At this point, I'm not sure I want it too - I don't ever want to lose that connection. Keeping that alive in me is worth whatever pain comes along with it.

People have tried to offer reasons or answers or explanations for why the universe does this or that. I've always been polite about it, because I realize that they're really only trying to help. People have their own beliefs, and that's just fine with me. My personal belief is never exactly in-line with what most people consider normal. They'd probably see it as depressing, or absurd, and that's just fine with me, too. 

Sorry to ramble. Just know you've got a bunch of folks here who've gone through what you and I are going through. Take care, Bobbers.

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Bobbers,---Life can be so unkind, unfair. I am sorry that you are having to deal with so much alone. The bright spot in your life is your son. At the end of the day, you have each other. Your husband is in your son and in you, don't ever forget that.  We are here for you. Try to remember that even if you feel alone, you are not alone. My prayers are with you.

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I am very scared because I know the shock will wear off. He just died on the 5th so even at the hospital I was in shock. I just want to be in a safe comfortable place when it does. I'm sure I've mentioned this before but currently I'm stressing about getting survivor benefits from the VA and I can't get even a temporary death certificate and I don't even know if they will take that. I feel like the world has **** on me and the last thing I thought I would be worrying about is paying. I want my son to have his room. I would love if I have to go through this thins like that would be easier.  But really after this it can't get much worse and I'll have to deal with it. I live in a small town and everywhere I go I have to see someone we know who wants to know what happened just to hear gossip not because they care. I can't even get a ride to pick up my mail or the grocery store. People love to offer but won't. They don't have to, but why bug me and insist I tell you everything. I am thankful I have my son and a part of him but sometimes I wish o could just self destruct. I feel like if this is what life had to offer what the hell is the point. I just have to focus on my son. At least I can see my psychiatrist tomorrow and see if she can change some of my medication I have been seriously look into ECT. But I'm going to not make any huge decisions now. I saw him two weeks ago and we were together every day for 17 years and I can't remember him and at the moment I'm not trying. I really feel like I've lost any hope or motivation or interest I used to have. 

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Bobbers,

You are so new in this, it's easy to feel overwhelmed and feel your outlook is nothing but despair...at this point that is all you can see.  Try not to concern yourself with "the rest of your life" right now, just stay in today because that is enough to take on.  I'm glad you have your son.  No, he can't take the place of your husband, but he is incentive to keep going.  

I'm glad you have your own place, it helps to have a place we can be ourselves and deal with our grief our own way.  It sounds like your mom isn't good support, you don't need the controlling or judgment, maybe try to protect yourself by the amount of time you spend with her.  I had to do that with my own mom, if five minutes was all I could handle with her, knowing that, five minutes would be what she'd get, no more.  

A grief counselor would validate your need to be around those who are supportive and protect yourself from those who are not, and encourage you in self-care.  If anyone does offer help, give them something tangible to do.  In the beginning I couldn't get groceries, that was something George and I had always done together, so my daughter did that for me the first few months.  Someone offered to weed-whack and I let them.  If someone says, "If there's anything I can do, let me know" then tell them something they can do right then!  They'll either do it or get gone, sometimes I didn't care which.  This is a time to know who will be there and who won't.

All of the feelings you are experiencing are normal for grief and valid.  I'm sorry it's so tough. :(

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Bobbers

I'm so sorry for your loss but I know your pain.   It is unfortunate that your mom isn't more supportive of you and what you're going through.  We do move on; after all, this place is not our home; it's just a passage way of getting there.  Acceptance of a loved one's death is very difficult, the only people who think there's a time limit for grief, have never lost a piece of their heart.  Take all the time you need. I think, maybe, there is some validity in accepting that a part of us went with the person who died, and a part of them stayed with us.   People will judge you - let them - let them misunderstand you - let them gossip about you.  Don't let their opinions be your problem, God knows you have enough on your plate right now - you don't need any more.

I share your feelings about not caring; not living, only existing; isolating yourself from everyone and having no future - I've been there, and if I'm honest with myself, and on occasion, go back there.  Each day it's a struggle, but I think it's normal - its called GRIEF.  All of here on this forum have that in common, but it looks differently on each one of us.  We don't just grieve death, we grieve loss, life, change and wonder why it has to suck so much and hurt so bad.  The one thing to remember is that it can and will turn on a dime.  That's how you survive -- when it hurts so much you can't breathe -- that's how you survive...by remembering that one day, somehow, impossibly, it won't feel this way; it wont hurt so much..the really crappy thing, the worst part of grief is that you can't control it..the very worst part is that the minute you think you're mastered it, it starts all over again.  And always - every time - it takes your breath away.

There is an answer to all this madness and someday we will know what it is.  I believe God, in all his wisdom, allows us to experience the very low points of  life in order to teach us lessons that we could learn no other way.  No matter what we face in life, God will be there with us, for only HE can turn our worst tragedies into victories.  My prayer is for God to be above you to bless you; below you to support you; before you to guide you; behind you to protect you; beside you to comfort you and inside you go give you strength you need.

 
 
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