On the 5th week of his passing....

[Sharyn01]

I spent the day paying off his car and looking for the info I needed for the attorney, to make sure that our ducks are in a row as far as the medication error on the part of the VA which caused his death. I found everything I think I needed so when I see the attorney today, I have it all gathered up. I have went through over 1500 pages of medical records and have found so many things that just dont jive. So with all that I am, I hope I have the proof he needs to proceed with suing with the VA. I cant imagine what else I would need but you never know with this kinds of cases. I know today is going to be a very emotional day, yesterday was bad so I can only imagine what today is going to be. I have made it my mission to force the VA to change their standard protocol procedures for patients that are hospitalized. And with any luck, maybe this will be the one that does make a difference. I so hope it does. Because I don't want another family feeling the way I have for the past 5+ weeks.

I am so glad I have this group, because when I can't seem to pull my thoughts together, I come on here and am reminded I am not the only one in all this pain. And that there is hope for a brighter future. The pain will lessen in time if I just remember to give it time. I just want to feel normal again and I really don't see that happening at this point in time. I feel like I am walking around in a fog most of the time. I have some good days dont get me wrong, but as time moves forward the good days seem to be less Maybe the realization is real now. Maybe I know that nothing I can do is going to bring my husband back. I just want to get through this and know that someday I will be alright again.

[KayC]

Sharyn,

I am impressed by you, you are fighting the fight that I should have, although mine is not as cut and dried as yours...in our situation, he'd been complaining to his doctor of heart symptoms for months and the doctor was dismissive and did not send him to a Cardiologist, even though it was in George's family history, which the doctor had before him on the left side of his file when he opened it, they had him fill out that paper when he first became his patient years before.  Had the doctor addressed his complaints at that time, he would undoubtedly still be with me.  The surgeon said (on his last day of life) had they gotten him before his heart was so severely damaged, they could have done surgery giving him another 20+ years!

All I did was go in and talk to the doctor because around the time my husband died, another man had also, same exact situation.  I didn't want anyone else to die like they did for lack of medical care.  We had good insurance, it wasn't like it was coming out of the doctor's pockets!

Perhaps I should have sued, but I did not have it in me, I felt at my limit just trying to get through the day.  So I am rooting you on, and pulling for you, you are fighting the fight for all of us here, and more power to you!  If you need anything else, the attorney will undoubtedly tell you.  So proud of you, let us know how it goes!

[HHFaith]

Sharyn, KayC,  Your posts are reminding me of the circumstances surrounding Pats death. New Years eve day he was having terrible chest pains and he was able to call 911 and get to the hospiital. I met him up there and spect the whole day with him in the hallway of the ED. They were very attentive and he was doing well. The plan was to keep him over night, maybe 2 nights. But this local hospital was full. They had 50 emergency patients waiting to be admitted and no beds. They ended up finding him a bed at a Boston hospital, coincidentally where I used to work, so he was transferred there that night. I went home to get some sleep and I'd meet him up there in the morning. So...I was home and at about 10:15pm he calls me and says they're discharging him home!  What??!!  He also had a family history of heart disease. His mother died young suddenly, and his brother had a massive heart attack just before christmas but survived.

Anyway, I got dressed, drove in and picked him up. We got to his house at 2 minutes before midnight, gave each other a New Years eve kiss. I went home because my daughter was home from college. Plan was for me to go back to his house in the morning and just hang out and relax for the day. I left shortly after midnight. He died shortly after I left. I found him when I came back the next morning. In the bathroom  he didn't even make it to bed  he had his cell phone and wallet still with him  It must have happened so quick and so big that he didn't get the chance to call 911 this time  

The Boston hospital should not have discharged him  but the cardiologist "felt comfortable discharging him home" because his labs were looking good   Since I used to work there I was able to talk to some people who did look into it   But I am not pursuing anything  I can't because I'm "just" the girlfriend   His 5 siblings are his next of kin and he (or I) were not close to them at all   Too much dysfunction so he stayed away from them  But that's a story for another day!

I wish you good luck and strength in your pursuits  

[Francine]

8 hours ago, Sharyn01 said:

The pain will lessen in time if I just remember to give it time. I just want to feel normal again and I really don't see that happening at this point in time. I feel like I am walking around in a fog most of the time. I have some good days dont get me wrong, but as time moves forward the good days seem to be less Maybe the realization is real now. Maybe I know that nothing I can do is going to bring my husband back. I just want to get through this and know that someday I will be alright again.

I do hope all works out well with your action with the VA.  Organizations should be held responsible for any negligence/ discrepancies which may have caused someone's death.  I'm just sorry it had to be your husband but glad that if just one person benefits as a result of your litigation, than it would have been worth it. 

You have a lot on your plate right now and I hope you're getting sufficient nutrients and sleep so you are strong enough to get through it all.  I know all  about the good and bad days; when you think you might be having a 'good' day, the bottom falls out from beneath you and here comes the 'bad' day.  For me, I don't refer to them as 'good' days any longer, not since my Charles was taken from this world.  I don't see myself having a 'good' day again; I imagine my days will become bearable, and I suspect they will be OK days.   I think you are right about the realization that our husbands will never come back is real; too real; a scary real.  

I know I'll never be 'me' again, not the me everyone has known me to be.  I would love to be;  that 'me' was happy - I'm becoming a totally different  'me'.   I don't know how people will react to the 'different' me and I don't care.   I'm a different person now than I was three months go.   Sorry I'm ranting, but this is where I am now.

I hope you become alright again and I pray that God gives you the strength, love and peace to become 'alright'.  God Bless and keep you, keep us all , safe. 

 

[fzald]

10 minutes ago, Francine said:

I know I'll never be 'me' again, not the me everyone has known me to be.  I would love to be;  that 'me' was happy - I'm becoming a totally different  'me'.   I don't know how people will react to the 'different' me and I don't care.   I'm a different person now than I was three months go.   Sorry I'm ranting, but this is where I am now.

You speak to me so much with these words Francine. I remember who I was a few months ago, when my lovely soulmate still walked the earth. I remember my always energetic, joyful, happy disposition. I remember being described in the same way she is remembered: someone who could light up a room just by being there. I remember feeling complete bliss and happiness just because I was alive. I remember waking up every day excited, ready to face the world head on, with my love by my side.

The day she died, I changed forever. I don't know if I will ever be able to be that same happy, charming, joyful person I used to be. If I ever do become that again, it will be a long time from now. People will move on. Friends will drift away. People will come and go from work. By the time I have even a chance of having any of "me" back, my world will be different already. There was one constant in my life, that made all of the change bearable. A compass, a GPS, whatever. That was her. No matter who came or went in and out of my life, as long as she was there, I maintained my happiness. 

I cling to things now that I know will change. Some people at our work are leaving for "better" jobs in a few months. They're already working on finishing up their projects. This office will be different next year. Some of the people I have come to feel some comfort being around simply because it's "Normal" will be leaving. There is more ahead. More loss, more change. But when she was here, change was something to weather together. Without her, change is something I dread. Without her, I am stuck. I feel perpetually stuck in time while the rest of the world tries to pull me forward. It's like a cartoon, someone being stretched to string-thin because they're glued to something, and suddenly SNAP! But for me, that snap will be the smashing reality that NOTHING, not just her but the rest of my entire life, has changed too.

We are different now. People need to accept that. Some people can't, or don't want to. It's almost like having to grieve for multiple losses. I grieve for her loss. I grieve also for the loss of the self I was, the me I loved being. My friends and family miss the "old" me too. But I'm not the old me anymore. I will never be that me again. Joy may return eventually, but it will be different. It won't be the same. I know that's hard for people, it's like I said, grieving her loss but also the loss of who I used to be. But it is what it is. Just like nobody can bring her back from the dead, nobody can bring the old me back from the past either. It's sad. It hurts. But it is what it is.

[KMB]

Sharyn01----My prayers and thoughts are with you. I'm rooting for you. The VA system needs a major overhaul. Hopefully, your fight will be a catalyst of that overhaul. Your husband is cheering you on. He is proud of you. He's bragging about you to everyone in Heaven!

I know and understand your pain. Your loss and your pain is giving you something to focus on, so hopefully someone else's loved one doesn't end up joining this club. You have my respect and admiration. (HUGS)