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rachhhh34

My Boyfriend

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I have known my boyfriend for about 2 years now. We recently started dating. I thought we were moving way too fast. He was already looking at rings. I decided I needed some alone time and that I needed to be without a relationship for a little so I could work on myself. It also wasn't fair to him because I still have feelings for my ex. I do love my boyfriend dearly. I love him so much that's why i needed the break to be alone and focus on myself and my relationship with God. Now i just feel lost and depressed. I don't want to get out of bed to go talk to my therapist like i should. I feel so guilty and like this is all my fault. Everyone thinks its my fault and all i want to do is hurt myself hoping the pain will go away but it isn't. His sister thinks it's all my fault and I've never been this alone. I love and miss him like crazy and i take the stuffed bunny he got me for my birthday with me everywhere. I don't know what to do. It's all my fault. 

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I am so very sorry for the loss of your boyfriend. Being the one left behind from a loved one's suicide is a nightmare. The loss from an accident or illness they didn't choose to leave you.  A suicide they choose to leave us and we feel abandoned and tremendous guilt. Why didn't I see the signs? Was it something I said or didn't say?

First of all, you have a perfect right to work on you and your life. Sounds like you were being responsible. We should get to know ourselves before we bring a boyfriend or husband into our lives. Second, you are not responsible for his actions. Millions of people break up or argue each day and they don't choose suicide. There was a weakness or inability within himself to cope with issues, hardships or sadness. Whether he was born with depression, had alcohol, drug related or medication issues, it was still his decision. 

Your life has been turned upside down and changed forever. Please don't let his actions prevent you from living your life to the fullest, find your own self and one day find love again. His family is just hurting now and will for years, but one day they will realize it was not your choice but his. 

It will take a long, long time to begin to heal. Be good and kind to youself. Surround yourself with supportive friends and talk, cry and pray until you are exhausted and are done talking about it. Join a group, volunteer, get out of the house and keep busy. You now have great empathy for those that share your same pain and tragedy.

May God wrap his arms around you and give you comfort, peace and strength. Sincerely, Sherry. 

 

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