Sadaf Nazim

Time worsens the grief

22 posts in this topic

Hi everyone 

It's been a while again. I am sorry. I feel trouble connecting with others these days. All of the time, I feel the need to be alone. 

How are you all doing? Please tell me.

I am doing fine.. I don't know what to say. It's been four months. I am still convinced that all this is just happening in my dream. And one day I will wake up to find him next to me. How to live without him? That's one thing I don't know. I am not really living, just surviving.  

I cry more often now. I miss him even more now. I want him even more badly. I feel the need to touch him. I haven't heard his voice for 4 months. It's the longest period of my last 15 year life. I don't know what to say. My grief is worsening with time. I feel more helpless and weak now. In the early months I could atleast talk about my feelings. Now I can't even do that. I am unable to express it to anyone. I just feel to cut myself off from everyone and cry all the time. Maybe time does not heal all wounds.

 

 

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I very much agree Sadaf.

It's close to 6 months for me. As the shock fades and reality is reinforced with every passing day, the effort to get from one 24 hours to another gets greater.  Everything is bleak.  Time turns around but it seems so strange as we live between a twilight zone state, between what was and was is.  It is harder to talk as to everyone else it's older news - so we hold it in, we then get sick and weak etc. Time doesn't heal in my mind, it only brings perspective.  Yearning for our loved ones must surely be one of the hardest feelings to endure.  I am sorry to be negative, not a great day.

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Sadaf,

I am doing as well as I can.  Up and down moments within every day.  I'm coming up on the three month mark later this week, it will be rough, but I now know I can manage it.  My grief grows deeper every day, but so does my understanding of it.  I have had some very good moments, memories that are precious to me that make me cry, but also warm my heart.  New experiences that while I wish she were here to share with me have been good in their own right.

I have started keeping a dream log, which helps.  The dreams have gone from nightmares to beautiful moments.  In a recent one I went running with Christine, something she was never physically able to do while we were together.  We laughed, and she caught me buying flowers for her.  It isn't the same as what we had together of course, but it is nice.  I don't know if they are visitations, but if they are she is very happy, and either way it brings me peace.

I am growing as a person.  Learning more about myself, and those around me.  Caring for them in ways I didn't before, and letting that improve me.  Christine would be happy to see me growing like this, and I hope that I get to share it with her in the afterlife.  If not, I still will do it, that is what she would want, and what is best for me.

The low moments still occur every day.  I cry for no reason, the beauty of the sunrise, a song on the radio, or just because I remembered a new moment of our life together that I hadn't thought of since she passed.  I feel crushingly alone, and think that my existence is pointless without being able to share it with her often.  I have to simply take my time and work through those moments and then pick myself back up and move on the way I know I should.

I don't know if we will ever heal from this.  The scars will always be there certainly, and I think we will always be just one moment away from being back in the pain of it all.  But at least for me time has allowed me to have moments where there are things in addition to the grief.  I hope that continues for me, and I hope you will find the same when you can.  I am now on day 84 of telling her I love her, and having to say "I know you love me to" instead of hearing her respond.  There will be many more days of this, some of them good, and some of them bad, but the fact that I truly know she does love me too will never change.  Wishing you peace and comfort, and always here to listen if you want to talk,

Herc

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Sadaf,

I have noticed your absence and wondered about you.  I'm glad to see you back here.  

Time does nothing to heal us, it's what we do with that time.  We have to do our grief work to process it and adjust and eventually build a life for ourselves we can live with.  Right now everything has been removed, which leaves an empty hole, it takes a good long while to begin to learn how to close that gap even just a bit...and nothing does completely.  My George left a George shaped hole that will be vacant, missing him for the rest of my life.  But I've had to learn to build a life for myself where I have things to look forward to, etc.  That did not happen in the first few years, I think it took me about three years just to process his death, the adjustment is hard.  

I guess what I'm trying to say is to be patient with yourself, this is a long journey and it takes what it takes.  It's going to be unique for everyone and so will your timeline.  

I did grief counseling, grief support group, art therapy, read grief books and articles, watched grief videos, and participated daily in grief forums.  These are the things that will help us heal and learn to adjust.

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57 minutes ago, Zara19 said:

I very much agree Sadaf.

It's close to 6 months for me. As the shock fades and reality is reinforced with every passing day, the effort to get from one 24 hours to another gets greater.  Everything is bleak.  Time turns around but it seems so strange as we live between a twilight zone state, between what was and was is.  It is harder to talk as to everyone else it's older news - so we hold it in, we then get sick and weak etc. Time doesn't heal in my mind, it only brings perspective.  Yearning for our loved ones must surely be one of the hardest feelings to endure.  I am sorry to be negative, not a great day.

Yes. It's harder to talk about it now because it's the same old news for everyone else. People wonder why it's so hard for us to accept the reality. 

You don't need to apologise Zara. You're not being negative. What you said is a fact.

My love and prayers to you. 

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1 hour ago, Herc said:

 

Herc, I am glad you are doing well. I had good and bad times too. But recently I am starting to have more bad times than good ones. In the early days, I felt the need to help people, to love more, give more. Now, I feel like I have nothing to give to anyone. What can I do for anyone else if I myself am so broken? 

I keep a dream log too.It's nice when he visits me. 

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15 minutes ago, KayC said:

Sadaf,

I have noticed your absence and wondered about you.  I'm glad to see you back here.  

Time does nothing to heal us, it's what we do with that time.  We have to do our grief work to process it and adjust and eventually build a life for ourselves we can live with.  Right now everything has been removed, which leaves an empty hole, it takes a good long while to begin to learn how to close that gap even just a bit...and nothing does completely.  My George left a George shaped hole that will be vacant, missing him for the rest of my life.  But I've had to learn to build a life for myself where I have things to look forward to, etc.  That did not happen in the first few years, I think it took me about three years just to process his death, the adjustment is hard.  

I guess what I'm trying to say is to be patient with yourself, this is a long journey and it takes what it takes.  It's going to be unique for everyone and so will your timeline.  

I did grief counseling, grief support group, art therapy, read grief books and articles, watched grief videos, and participated daily in grief forums.  These are the things that will help us heal and learn to adjust.

Thank you kay. I always Appreciate your words. 

You are right. Time doesn't heal us. We have to work for that ourselves. But I find no motivation to put that work.

I can't explain it Kay. This person was my whole world. He was my whole existence. I don't remember a day of my life without him. I was 8 when we met. Since then he is embedded in my blood. And suddenly he went away. Without any warning or any sign. Now I have no idea how to live without him. 

 

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12 minutes ago, Sadaf Nazim said:

Herc, I am glad you are doing well. I had good and bad times too. But recently I am starting to have more bad times than good ones. In the early days, I felt the need to help people, to love more, give more. Now, I feel like I have nothing to give to anyone. What can I do for anyone else if I myself am so broken? 

I keep a dream log too.It's nice when he visits me. 

Sadaf,

I'm so sorry you are going through this.  I started to write a long post, but I don't think it would help.  Instead I just want to tell you I see your pain, I wish I could do something to comfort you, and that I would give you a big hug if I could,

(((hug))) Herc

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I'm sorry you're feeling that way. Time is a strange concept to me now. It has lost meaning.. there are moments when I do feel that the passage of time will ease my general pain. But then of course there are many times when it has no relevance at all. it's as if i have suffered a loss just yesterday but at the same time it feels like it has been years and decades since I've seen my gran. every second feels like an eternity. I'm not sure what's left to discover in this world, or if there's even other worlds out there. i hope you can find some peace eventually, but i don't like the idea of having to 'work' to 'get over' the intense grief we experience. we can't ignore it and we can't focus on it to the point that it paralyzes us. but we must feel it and express it somehow. we have to take it slowly.

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Sadaf---I have been thinking of you and hoping you would return and check in. Thank you for posting. Dealing with our loss doesn't seem to get easier, does it?  No magic spell to bring them back into our lives.

I've been finding myself retreating from others also. The majority have already left my life. The platitudes I was given in the beginning, those platitudes you cling to for survival, given by others, no longer apply. People do not honor what they say. They expect normalcy from me. Just to make them feel like nothing can touch their lives as tragically as it did mine. If they could only look past the immediate and realize that someday, they will be in my shoes. I don't wish for them to ever be in my shoes, but the facts of life will show that to them in time. I know that people just don't know what to say. I don't expect them to say anything. Just call or stop in and say *Hey, been thinking of you. Do you need anything, maybe a listening ear? I guess reality doesn't work that way.

Have patience with yourself, Sadaf. Do what you need for yourself. If you feel the need to be alone, then do it. Only you know what you need to survive this.

(HUGS)

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Sadaf,

My George was my whole world also.  I didn't know how to do life without him.  I was shocked when he died!  We'd thought we would grow old together!  But I survive it the same way I did when he was on a long trip...now it's longer.  I know he's transitioned to his next phase, and I will too someday, we'll be together again.  Right now I just have to get through this life, one day at a time.  I still carry him inside my heart.  I still talk to him, I still love him, I know he still loves me.  I know his spirit is not dead, it's merely the body that gave out.  I can't explain all this any more than the next person can, I only know what is.

On my other site they were asking people to participate in a study.  They said the death had to be under five years ago.  What?!  Like it changes?  Like you're supposed to be past it by then?  I still miss him, I still have to do this time, what do they think changes at five years?  Five, twelve, it's all the same!  Maybe because they think we've adjusted by then.  Got a point there, but it doesn't magically change at year five...we still have to live our lives one day at a time without them.  That part never changes.  But we do it because we have no choice.  

And lest anyone think about hurrying their time up (committing suicide), I would not do that to anyone who loves me, not my kids, my sisters, friends, so throw that thought away no matter how alluring it may seem.  Anyone who has ever commit suicide, if they could look in on the destruction and pain they brought their loved ones, I'm sure they'd do things differently if given the chance.  NOT a good idea!

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On 3/19/2017 at 8:23 AM, Sadaf Nazim said:

I am doing fine.. I don't know what to say. It's been four months. I am still convinced that all this is just happening in my dream. And one day I will wake up to find him next to me. How to live without him? That's one thing I don't know. I am not really living, just surviving.  

I cry more often now. I miss him even more now. I want him even more badly. I feel the need to touch him. I haven't heard his voice for 4 months. It's the longest period of my last 15 year life. I don't know what to say. My grief is worsening with time. I feel more helpless and weak now. In the early months I could atleast talk about my feelings. Now I can't even do that. I am unable to express it to anyone. I just feel to cut myself off from everyone and cry all the time. Maybe time does not heal all wounds.

Are you really doing fine or is it something we just say when asked?  Your post doesn't reflect you're doing fine and it's OK not to feel fine.   I know I don't.  It's been 3 months for me, and I'm not ashamed to tell you, tell anyone, I feel like hell.  Like you, I feel as if I'm still dreaming and want so desperately to wake up.  I have my OK (not good) days and bad days; for now, the bad days outweigh the OK days, but I'm grateful to have an 'OK' day; in the beginning, there were none.   I still experience that gut wrenching pain that eats your insides out and that hole in my chest (where my heart was) still gets larger.  There are days when I think I am going to get through in one piece but then, oops, here comes my tsunami.  It comes out of nowhere and with a vengeance; I can't control it.  So I let it run its course, and when it is over, I'm somewhat OK again.  I expect the cycle will continue for sometime still and I'll go through it. 

Pain causes us to change; it makes us trust less, overthink more and shut people out. Why shut people out when this is the time you need them the most?  I truly get it, it's much easier to just shut out the world, the pain, the hurt, and ignore everyone.  Please don't.  God puts people in our lives for a reason; not the people you want, but the people you need, to help you be the person you are meant to be. It is no accident that people come into our lives; they are meant to cross our paths.   It has been said, "Time heal all wounds", but I disagree.  The wounds remain and in time the mind protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessons; but it is never gone.

I felt like you; like I'm just existing, just waiting for my time to be over on this earth so that I can go on to be with him; but when I attended a grief group counseling session this past Saturday, I was asked how I thought my husband would want me to live?   And if I am honest with myself, I know my Charles would want me to live.  He would want me to go on and be as happy as I could.  He would want me to be a warrior and carry on what he now can't.    What he wouldn't want me to do is just exist; just survive; be sad, bitter, angry.  I believe sometimes we aren't meant to get over someone, and we go on living a little bit emptier.   Know that your life is richer, fuller and brighter simply because he was in it.  What do you think he would want you to do? 

My prayer is for God to bless you and keep you safe from harm.  May HE have mercy on you and always be by your side.  May he protect you and uphold our undertakings.   May the Lord bless you always.

 

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They may have wanted us to be happy, but keep in mind, they had no clue what this would be like since they got to go first and didn't experience it.  I know George would be the first to understand me and be supportive of where I'm at.  He'd want to comfort me, be there for me, I can only imagine how it'd make him feel to not be able to, to watch me struggle.  But I also know he'd have faith in me and be rooting me on, that helps me when I'm at my most down times.

Although I do appreciate the good that is, I feel like a part of me is "waiting" too and death will come as a release.  I don't think it's about right or wrong feelings, it just is what it is, we feel what we do.  I've tried to be as positive as I could from the beginning but still it's been a tough pill... 

I know when things get too tough God wants us to let Him carry us...I wish I'd remember that sooner and more often. :)

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KayC---Your post reflects my feelings also. I think God must be carrying us quite often and we don't recognize it.

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All of our lost loves would want us to go on, to live life. But like you said KayC, it's true that none of them had to directly experience what we are experiencing right now. 

My girlfriend's family situation was pretty rough. I won't go into a ton of detail right here, but suffice it to say that there was a lot of conflict in her life. Me being in her life was a good counter-balance to that, but she said herself that there were times that she felt like she didn't matter in the world. When we first met, she showed me her happy, upbeat, cheerful side, but she would later admit that at the time it was more of a mask, to hide the pain she felt within.

Even with me in her life, though, people often would do things to her that were hugely insensitive. She would come to me in tears at times, asking things like "Do I even matter in this world? Would anyone miss me if I died?" I always told her that a lot of people would miss her, and I would be one of them. I told her that I would miss her more than anything if she died. I would remind her how much I loved her and how much she meant to me.

Today, her words come back to me and haunt me. "Would anyone miss me if I died?" I miss her terribly. I miss her more than anyone I've ever missed. I weep now, thinking of how even with me in her life she was still sometimes tormented and felt so worthless. I wish I could have done something, ANYTHING to show her when she was here just how much she truly meant. If she can see me now, though, I hope she will realize just how painful this is, and that the reason for my pain is BECAUSE of how much she meant to me. The world is a darker, gloomier, sadder place without her. Many others may not feel it, but I feel it every second of every day. Every moment is a reminder that she is gone forever. Every second is a reason to mourn, to miss her, to wish she could still be here. 

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I do feel that time worsens my pain. I find myself wanting him so much more and not being able to have him near me, kills me. I've been sobbing a lot more than ever. But no one understands. If I tell them, they'll just say oh why am I upset now. So people don't understand because they have their significant other to look forward to. I don't. 

His words always haunts me. It hurts me so deeply. Especially, how he always says, what is he going to do without me and our little girl. Now, I am living out his fear. My husband hates it when I try to inflict self harm. But I'm really at wits end. I don't know how else to take out my anger & frustration of not being with him. My hearts never been in this much turmoil. 

I never felt the need to just be gone like poof. In the past, I always thought to carry on as life goes on. I always had that strand of hope that no matter how terrible my situation was, I'd get through. But this time, it's not the same at all. I feel like I've done my dues and I'm ready to go. I keep reminding myself to just live for our little girl. 

I like solitude. It's like I'm a different species from the rest of the world. 

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Chasisdope,

You reminded me of something my girlfriend said early on in our relationship. She asked me once, "How will I ever live without you? I love you!"

There was another time, a year or so later, that she was under tremendous stress from school, family, friends, everything basically. She cried on my shoulder, hot and heavy, and said to me "I can't lose you. I just can't. You're all I have keeping me going. Don't leave me."

I know how you feel. I am living out her fear. She had a fear of me being gone from her life. But she is the one who left my life, even though she didn't intend to. I am the one living out her worst fear. 

I feel the same. I feel like I have lived my life now. I don't have anything else to give. I had the best love I could ever want, and now it's gone forever. There's nothing I could ever do that would live up or even come close to what I had. Once you've had the best, what's the point? It's kind of like rich people becoming depressed. Once you live on top of the world, how do you ever feel anything again?

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Chasisdope,

I wonder that this isn't one of those things that gets worse before better...worse as shock wears off and reality sets in, and better as we begin to adjust and learn to cope.  Not that it's ever really BETTER better, but more that we get more accustomed to it.  

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I feel for each one of us. 

i know they would not want us to live like this, they would want us to be happy. But they never experienced this pain. They don't know how it feels to lose our other half. They would understand us.

Past few days have been worse. His face at the time of his funeral keeps haunting me every time. And then the world just shuts down. All I remember is that he was lying there lifeless. It's so hard to keep that memory in mind and go on in life. 

 

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Time is weird now. Makes little to no sense.
I think I was doing ok considering everything but I got nervous last night for some reason.
maybe something I ate or tea I drank before sleep. still, it's been a while since I've been nervous.
Fear is a really scary feeling. I've lived my life in fear, so when people say 'evil' is just the absence of love and goodness and serenity, I can see why I hated myself for it. Of course I only refer to myself as I can only speak for my experience..
I am not sure how we can go through those 'negative' emotions. especially when they've somehow been so familiar for so long for some..

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On 3/23/2017 at 8:50 PM, Sadaf Nazim said:

i know they would not want us to live like this, they would want us to be happy. But they never experienced this pain. They don't know how it feels to lose our other half. They would understand us.

Exactly!  That is how I've always felt.

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23 hours ago, new133 said:

I think I was doing ok considering everything but I got nervous last night for some reason.

I know it sounds simplistic, but lavender is supposed to be calming (unfortunately, I don't like the smell but most people do like it and say it helps them).
 

This link deals with different ways of coping with anxiety (it can be anything from nervousness to full blown panic attacks):
http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2013/07/anxiety-attacks-in-grief-tools-for.html

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