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It's been 16 years since the woman who raised me died a Long painful death. She was my only real family. She suffered (for my sake) and I never knew how much until I was older.

It seems to get harder as an adult and I learn more sides of life. More light is shed on situations and actions. 

The more years go by, the more I miss her, morn her suffering, and appreciate her. .. for all these reasons it gets harder as time passes. It's made me an angry person. I realize it's been a cancer in me all this time. 

That brings me to...

I have an illness that's effecting my bones, soft tissue and nerves. Evey year I loose more functions.  I've lost the ability to my job that I'm passionate about. I'm certain my anger and sadness progress it faster. I fear the day I'm dependent on my SO to physically take care of me. I get angry at him too. 

I'm still able to adjust physically for basic self care but I'm emotionally conflicted to die. 2 failed attempts and Many times I have researched plans so that it's most reliable, responsible and least work/trama for others. Then a friend's wife commuted suicide this year and it struck me, to see her pain. For the past month I've been reading forums of the survivors support groups.  I imagine my SO.  Just the fact of you sharing these personal stories public  (when you don't have to) has helped me save my SO from much. 

him in and I are in trouble though, worse every day. I want to save him from this, whatever that answer is.  

My questions for anyone reading and willing to comment..

1. Is there anything who wants to die with their passed loved one.. after all this time. Or gotten an illness instigated after their loved one died? 

2.  Is there anything that could help make a loved ones or former loved ones wish to die, more tolerable? Certain words in a note they could of said? Certain precautions or arrangements they could of made?  What about when the time comes where they are unable to care for themselves? 

 

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can I also add that I can tell you are a beautiful person who obviously has a purpose to make a difference in other people's lives and you must be still here for a reason. try to focus on loving yourself everyday and remember that the loved one that you lost would be further pained if you allowed their death which was beyond your control to cause your pain and death. Live for their energy in love. Feel their presence around you to push you through and find ways to use these experiences to help others, that's the only reason I can find this has happened to me. I try to pay it forward everyday supporting others who feel just as lost and lonely and through that I find a little peace and strength. My illness has up's and downs and I have been told that my grief and depression is definitely a direct trigger for my health to decline. I have begun to accept that it wasn't my choice to make him stay but it is my choice to realize my choices will be a domino effect in the lives of others. It will not be a force of light and energy or warm memories. It will spread darkness and the death of other people's souls and I cannot leave this world knowing that I have perpetuated that. Beyond my love for my child and my spouse that thought prevents me from ending my life. As well as knowing my loved one was ill beyond my control even though my heart says differently. I have to choose strength, it doesn't appear on its own. I have to choose everyday to make everything I have done so far in my life to mean something, not to give into my internal dialogue of guilt and weakness. It is a lot of work but I find that if I focus on what my loved one is watching what i do to myself and others around me it allows some healing and positive energy. FInding the right medication and therapist makes a huge difference. There are many out there that will help you even if you don't have insurance don't stop until you find one that increases your chances of happiness and peace. you need someone to vent to and support you. None of my family members have been able to do that for me because they are suffering over this loss themselves. So I needed to seek out someone completely uninvolved and ready and willing to encourage me and give me tools to press on. It makes everyday just a little more tolerable.

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I just can't be here any longer then I have to. I'm getting my affairs in order. This week I've started giving my belongings away and I've gotten the information for cremation ready, the money set aside. If I don't do it now, I will want to before I get too sick and further incapable of taking care of myself.  I'd frankly be happy to be isolated shut in. I grew up that way and desperately wish I was back more then I've wanting anything for myself. 

The older I get, the more f@cked up I see that I am.  I can't turn it off. 

I never had children,  somehow I knew not to.  My gift to them was to just not have them in the first place. That should of been my gift to my SO. Now, We are both a wreck while he watches me deteriorate. He knows I'm not ok and I think is even starting to distance himself also, If I can't make it work with him, then that part is done. I don't want to try again with anyone. 

I've been on medication. At least a dozen. All with horrible side effects. That's common. .

I've lost the ability to drive myself to a therapist, I can't drive anymore, frankly I don't care either. 

I want my brain to stop 

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In addition please understand your SO might be distancing because they feel like they don't know what to do to help you or support you, not because they've given up. And maybe they also get the feeling from you that you want to be alone. Miscommunication can be very damaging try with all of your soul to at least clear that up . 

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I'm more comfortable alone. I'll be gone out of the house within the month. He dislikes me very much to the point of dismissal but it's for his own good. I'm just waiting out time and thats more bearable alone.

in time  if I end up unable to feed and bath myself, then what? So, At the very least I'm moving to a state that has death with dignity option. 

I have read the forum. It's helped me see how real it would be for the person living with ones who commit suicide while they know them so it was made more clear that not matter what, my only choice is to go, and even run off. 

 

Thank you all

 

 

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