Jump to content
Online Grief Support, Help for Coping with Loss | Beyond Indigo Forums
  • Announcements

    • ModKonnie

      Advertisements   09/05/2017

      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie
Bobbers

New here and need help

Recommended Posts

Hi I'm 36 years old and my husband died 3/5/2017.  I have been with him since I was 20 years old.  I am surrounded sort of by I think well meaning people but just don't understand.  I am lucky to still have a part of him,our 12 year old son.  Sometimes I feel selfish because I'm not allowed to self destruct, but that is a good thing.  I find it very hard to trust anybody.  He was in the hospital and there was some things done wrong which killed him. I decided to get a lawyer even though right now it feels pointless because it will never bring him back. I'm pretty much dealing with all this on my own and don't know what exactly I need to do.  I've had people tell me that our bank account can be frozen, some tell me that's not possible.  I haven't even had time to attempt to take care of myself because I have been constantly busy taking care of business.  If there is anybody out there willing to help me, give me advice, books that might help me, anything is helpful.  Truthfully I don't even know what to ask. Also he is a veteran and I have been in contact with the va if that helps.  Thank you so much.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hello Bobbers

I'm so sorry to read about your distress and devastating loss.  My Husband too had been in Hospital and mistakes had been made. His condition deteriorated and he passed away. I'll never know if the mistakes had any influence.  I know how much worse this makes the grief feel.  The early period is bad enough and your system is in such a shock - like an explosion in your body, it's paralyzing.  Don't do anything you can put off till later on, just focus on yourself and son.  Do you have immediate family you can lean on.  I don't know anything about formalities as I am from UK but others will help.  Warmest regards.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Bobbers,

The passing of your husband was tragic and happened far too soon. I am so sorry for you and your son.  Regarding your bank account, unless there are legal issues I am unaware of any joint account will be fully accessible to you.

Right now you are probably still in shock.  I was in shock for about a month and a half after my wife passed.  It doesn't get easier when the shock passes, but you will start thinking a little more clearly.  Getting a lawyer is a good idea, both for the circumstances of his passing, and an estate lawyer if there was no will.

Please make sure you are taking care of yourself and your son as best you can.  Drink lots of water, it will help with the shock and the physical aches you may be feeling.  Try to eat when you can, sleep if you can, and get what exercise you can.  I am so sorry you had reason to come to this forum, but there are people here who will understand what you are going through.  Hoping you find some comfort and peace,

Herc

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

My husband didn't have a will, but no one froze our bank account.  I don't think that happens on joint bank accounts.  I'd ask an attorney just to put your mind at ease.  I wish you strength for the lawsuit.  You're right, it doesn't bring him back but if it prevents anyone else from going through this.  I probably should have sued but honestly didn't have the strength to go through any more than I already was.  I did talk to the doctor though and made him promise not to put anyone else through this.  If he'd only referred him to a cardiologist, but he didn't like to refer people and didn't take his obvious symptoms seriously.
I'm sorry for your loss.  You've found a good place to come to, I hope you find comfort here in knowing you are not alone.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm so sorry. I know the feeling of wanting to get an attorney and I'm glad that you were able to. I tried to attain one but no one would hear my complaints. They just said it's the standard of care, especially when someone has leukemia and how advanced it is. To me, it doesn't matter. No matter what percentage of life someone has left they should be treated with dignity and respect and they didn't do that for my husband. One of his ICU doctors shouted saying my husband was giving them a bad attitude. I know they over dosed his chemotherapy. But no one would want to look into it. I hope you are able to sort things out even if you can't get him back at least it gives you something to do. Every way I turned was a dead end.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

its been weird I haven't even had time to think about him yet.  This is a nightmare. I will be strangely okay then someone will say something and I will feel the worst pain I've ever felt and nothing I can do will make it go away. I just want to be alone with my son. I'm angry all the time. My son can make me laugh. I don't know how I am going to get through this and why we have to deal with this. I feel like I'm under a microscope and everyone is still moving on.im confused what is the point of all of this? I've had people ask or person ask if I was talking care of my child correctly, so I lose my husband then get questioned about being a good mother? So someone who is mourning doesn't deserve their kids. Then a had a conversation with my mom where she felt the need to tell me my small amount of money will get taken. That is the last thing I need to worry about.   I just don't know how I'm going to do this? I'm so confused and lost and scared and paranoid of everything and everyone. I'm sure this just sounds like ramblings but I'm having a really bad time right now 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Bobbers,

The anger is perfectly normal, if anything can be considered "normal" in the horrible situation we are all in.  I am not sure what the point of grieving is.  I think it allows us to redefine our relationship with our lost loved ones, and gives us the ability to do that in our own time rather than dealing with everything all at once which would be absolutely overwhelming.  That is why so many people say to take it one day, hour, or second at a time.

I am sure you are a fantastic mother.  People ask because they are concerned for him and for you.  People are also very stupid, inconsiderate, and unknowingly rude or even cruel at times.  Don't doubt your abilities to care for your child based on what they may say.  You are a wonderful person, a caring mother, and the best person in the world to help him through this troubled time.

Just take it one step at a time.  The two things that helped me the most with the daily realities and doing the things that needed done were the funeral home, and the estate lawyer.  Ask specific questions, take notes, and if you do have a relative or close friend you trust completely, consider bringing them along as they may catch something you might miss.  The estate lawyer brought me a lot of peace regarding the financial situation.  He explained things in such a way that I clearly understood the process, and could plan how to proceed and weigh my options.

We all understand your confusion. We all feel lost and scared.  You don't sound like you are rambling at all.  You are clearly stating things that we have all felt throughout our grieving process.  I hope you find some moments of peace, tranquility, and comfort,

Herc

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I had a certain someone question my ability to care for my daughter after my fiancé's passing. I was distraught and could barely function for a good week+ after the accident. I had family and friends stay with me the first week and help care for everything. I was also told that I'd have to let our home go. Thankfully, I don't. We were both on the title so the home goes to me. You go through shock and the furthest thing from my mind after the accident was how am I going to make it financially without him. All I could think of was him- why is he gone, how can he be gone? I just wanted him back. Still do. I still have moments where I zone out. I don't realize how much time has passed because I'm thinking about him. It's not like it happens during potentially dangerous situations like driving. It'll be when my daughter is asleep or watching tv, or I'm at work. Most people are just worried about me. They don't mean to judge. But there's always someone who oversteps. It's upsetting. I lost my other half and people were trying to take our home, question me about my ability to care for my daughter, too? It was too much. Thankfully I have a friend who looks out for me. Fiances brother does, too. He's the one taking care of everything and I go through him with any  questions or concerns. But it was scary and still is at times. I hope there's someone you can trust to help you through each step. If not there in person, then maybe someone here knows what to do. We're all in this together 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Bobbers,

When someone does something like questioning your ability to mother just because you lost your husband, why not come back at them with what you've told us?  "What?!  Because I've lost my husband makes me an incompetent mother now???"  And roll your eyes!  Honestly, these people need a wake up call!

It sounds like your mother isn't thinking before she speaks.  I have a sister that does that, says inappropriate things that will obviously invite anxiety, why say stuff like that?!  I respond by saying, "Great!  THAT wasn't helpful, now I have to worry about that!"  I'm not sure that all our educating them will ever have an effect as they seem just as clueless and continue to say these things, but at least we get it out and our point of view gets voiced.

Re: finances, I hope you've filed for social security benefits for your child, at least that'd be of some help.  I really don't think they'll take your money if you're both on the account.  If you are wondering, maybe talk to someone at the bank.

Solomon's Girl,

I'm sorry you and Bobbers both had this happen to you, it's hard enough to deal with their death, we shouldn't have to defend ourselves on top of it.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thank you everyone for replying and I hate saying this because everyone is here for devastating reasons but I'm glad you are. I question my sanity and everyone's  motives. I question everything now. I had a dream I remembered for the first time since this happened and I was looking for him and I was thinking I could wake up and he would be there. It really sucked I can't even find the right words to describe this.  I don't drive right now, I'm scared. I actually appreciate the times when I zone out and think about nothing. I haven't thought about him much because right now it is all funeral home autopsy him doing dead talk. I want to move but I'm scared about leaving this place and I'll be leaving him. It just a place we are renting for the last two years. I just wish business would be over and done with. It is so exhausting. Thank you everyone 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Ahh, I understand your not wanting to leave the place the two of you shared...but the truth is, he's with you no matter where you are.

Your life being about funeral home, autopsy, him dead, that's hard.  It will evolve into your figuring out how to do everyday life on your own, Lord knows none of us knew where to start with that one.  But we do.  I kind of felt like after his funeral, "now what?"  It was go to work, come home, but I didn't know what to do once I got home.  He wasn't there to share it with me.  But little by little I began to realize he is still with me, just unable to talk to me, unable to physically hold me or do things with me.  It's kind of like living with a ghost, but not like you see on t.v.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
16 minutes ago, KayC said:

But little by little I began to realize he is still with me, just unable to talk to me, unable to physically hold me or do things with me.  It's kind of like living with a ghost, but not like you see on t.v.

This is how I feel. This is why somedays I'm okay. I get upset that he's not here in the same way, but I always have a sense of him being with me. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm starting to feel that way too. He is here with me , wherever I go. Just before leaving for LA to visit my daughter, someone said to me "leave Pat here".  I said "no way, he's coming with me!"  I've done a lot of sitting on the beach and talking to him and crying. Asking him and God for guidance on what the next steps are for my new/changed life. I do feel his presence at times. I talk to him out loud all the time. My daughter thinks I'm crazy!! 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
2 hours ago, HHFaith said:

I talk to him out loud all the time. My daughter thinks I'm crazy!! 

I do the same. I've wondered if people think I'm crazy, too. If they do, they don't tell me. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I talk out loud to my husband all the time. I'm just more conscious of not doing it in public. It is said that our loved ones can see and watch over us, that they can hear us. Well, I let my husband know on a daily basis that I'm constantly thinking of him. I also let him know that we were given an unfair life here. The doctors all agreed another 2 or 3 years for my husband and we both got shafted.

Bobbers---I am sorry for the loss of your husband. The father of your son. It is so unfair and tragic. I know how scared, confused and lonely you are. Just breathe, just take care of yourself and your son. Only deal with the immediate things one at a time. Try not to let everything overwhelm you. Just take it one day at a time. The worst has happened, the rest will sort itself out in time. My prayers are with you and your son.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

No im realizing I can't even go one day without sleep or I'm 100x worse and waking up everyday is horrible. I just got a call from the funeral home telling me they are ready to cremate him. I am trying to not process this. I really believed he would come back to life. Yep I really did. So now I'm stressing about my son being 13 and he's going to possibly be leaving in 5 years. I'm have phone calls I have to make and it seems impossible, I'll just throw this out there this isn't fair and it feels like the world is conspiring against me.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Bobbers,

You are absolutely correct, none of it is fair.  It does seem impossible.  The world isn't conspiring against us, but it sure does seem to treat us particularly cruelly on occasion.  Just breathe, and take it one moment at a time.  Don't think about the future for right now, just focus on now and getting through the next small step.  I am so sorry you are facing this, and hope you find some moments of calm in the midst of the storm,

Herc

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Bobbers, I understand what you mean about cremation. I had a hard time with it even though we discussed it and it was something we both wanted. Thinking about the process was something I tried with all my might to avoid. But there was something calming about knowing it was what he wanted. Seeing that through. Also, there was something peaceful about getting his ashes and bringing him back home. I broke down in the car before getting them and again in the car before heading back home. I, too, kept wanting to believe he'd come back. I actually still think about it. Lately, my thoughts are why does time only go forward? Why can't it go both ways? 

It's not fair. I feel like after several years of a horrible marriage, divorce, and custody battle that my life was actually starting to become what I wanted it to be and with someone I really loved. To have him gone makes me think about all the other things and wonder why is all of this happening? What have I done? Am I cursed and did I cause him to lose his life just by being associated with me? Some days this is how my mind works. Other days I find some peace and just wish he was here. I think it's all a part of grief. So many emotions and uncertainties. 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Bobbers---  Our situations certainly are unfair. But, I don't think that life is conspiring against us. I know you don't want to process your loss. We want to avoid it and wish for our loved one to walk back in the door. We want our *normal* back. But, we are given no choice in facing reality. Just breathe. Handle one step at a time. If you have phone calls to make, do them one at a time. Take a break in between each call. If you have a trusted family member or friend that is willing to help you with arrangements, allow them to help.

Don't worry about the future. Your life is overwhelming right now and we cannot predict the future anyway. Don't worry that your son will be out on his own in 5 years. Those years are so far ahead right now that worrying about what you don't know is non productive.

Just take it minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi. I am so sorry to hear about your problem. As many of them said that it is good to hire a lawyer. I also think that you can take a lawyer's help to sort our issues. I was checking about lawyers on the web and I found about Bechara Tarabay. You can here find out about the lawyer. Also, take proper care of yourself. Do not stress yourself too much. I hope you get out of this soon.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Bobbers,

You're right, it isn't fair.  Nothing fair about death!  I don't think it's a conspiracy though, I think stuff just happens, rather randomly, some people get hit, some skate by.  We were the unlucky ones.  But by the same token, I have learned so much through my grief journey, sometimes it makes me see things from a different angle that probably wouldn't make sense to you right now.  I've been at it a long long time.  In the beginning, I couldn't even think, I couldn't focus, couldn't sleep, I don't honestly know how I've made my way through this, except taking one day at a time.  Seriously.  I can't think about the whole rest of my life.  Try not to think about in five years your son will leave.  Besides, you don't know that.  Maybe he'll live at home while he goes to college.  Maybe he'll end up living not too far from there.  But at any rate, try to appreciate what there is about today (like getting to have your son with you) and try hard not to worry about what ifs that may or may not come.  Like KMB said, you might have to break that day at a time down to an hour or even a minute, but it's what's gotten me by.
 

Thank you William, for your response.  And many lawyers will help low income people for a lesser rate if not free.  Check into what's available in your state.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now


×