Rianellathekitten

I never even got the chance to say goodbye...

4 posts in this topic

Okay I want to make this quick and not to long. Last year on Father's Day 2016, I was 13 at the time btw. My mom had asked me to go to the store with her to get my dad a cake. That day I didn't feel like doing anything, and when she asked me I was animating a new animation. So I had asked my older brother to go with her. He agreed but my mom didn't want to him to go with her, you see they've always had a rocky relationship, and I think it might have something to do with the fact that, she's actually my grandmother who adopted us. When she was about to leave, if I remember correctly, she had asked if I was sure I didn't want to go with her. I don't quite remember though cause that day is kinda fuzzy to me. But I didn't go with her, the last things she said to me was "Goodbye, I'll be back soon I love you" but she never did. She left at about 3:30 and around 5:30 6:00 my dad asked me when's mom coming back. I told him I didn't know, a few minutes later we got a phone call from the hospital saying that my mom had been in a car accident. I remember my dad asking about her condition, but they wouldn't tell him. When we on our way to the hospital I prayed for my mom to be alright. When we got there they brought us to a room  and told us that she didn't make it. At that moment time stopped for me, I felt dizzy and a cold sweat ran down my back. If I had a mirror with me I'd bet my bottom dollar that I was as white as a ghost. My dad than went to her room to see her, I asked to go to but they didn't let me, due to the fact that they wanted me to remember her as she normally is and not as a bedridden corpse with tubes in her. We didn't even have a funeral for her! And I can't help but think "it's all my fault if I'd had gone with her she wouldn't have been there at the time that that speeding son of a bitch was on the damned road." Whenever I go to a store I take a few minutes to get ready, but I was being selfish if I had just gone with her this never would've happened! I need help I can't deal with this any longer, I've tried suicide many times after her death but never fully went through with my attempts. Despite it being almost a year later and me being 14 now i still don't know what to do anymore I miss my mom so much, I tried talking to people about my grief but yet I still feel empty and alone on the inside life's just not the same anymore. Every day I think of how she might've died inside that car trapped, these are some pictures of her car a witness took after the accident. By the time she got the hospital she barely had a pulse, she died at 4:04 and we didn't find out until 5:30 - 6:00. I think of how she must've been surprised when the car was rolling over. I think of how it all could've been prevented if I had just gone with her! I just wish I could've said goodbye, I miss her so much, I just want my mother back. Is that to much to ask? 

IMG_0186.JPG

IMG_0188.JPG

IMG_0187.JPG

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Dear Rianella,

You are a very brave and strong young woman. I'm so sorry to hear what you have been through. I know this is a very hard time. And the pain of losing your cherished mother is unbearable. I hear you. And I'm so sorry.

Please reach out and talk to someone about your feelings. After such a traumatic loss its critical to surround yourself with loving friends and family. There are so many community resources through school or church. Consider talking to a bereavement counsellor or joining a support group. There is help. You are not alone in your pain. We are all here to support you in anyway we can.

Please know it wasn't your fault. Life is cruel. And there is nothing we can do about it. It was a terrible accident. I know we all wish we could change the past. I do too.

Thinking of you. Sending you love and hugs.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi  Rianella, 

I am so sorry for your loss and my heart aches for you.  You are so young to be facing something so traumatic and I do hope you have loving support from your family, your GP and friends.  I can really only reiterate what Reader has suggested about seeing a bereavement counsellor.  If you have already talked with one and not found them helpful, I'm sure your GP would help you find another.  

My partner was killed whilst walking on the footpath by an out of control driver in Jan 2016.  Like you, I initially thought if I had been with him as I had planned to be, I would have been able to prevent his death.  But, after 22 years together we were creatures of habit and we would have been in exactly the same place, at the same time, and our kids would have been burying both of us. 

Perhaps your Mum always took the same route too?  Us Mum's do understand that our teenage daughters don't always want to go everywhere with us all of the time.  It's a part of growing up. She would be very thankful that you weren't with her. 

You and I share beautiful 'last words' from our loved ones that were killed "I love you".  You must have had an awesome bond with your Mum. I bet you brought her a lot of joy.  It is said "the greater the love, the greater the grief".

I wish I knew when the emptiness and longing so much for our loved ones will ease.  I'm fair struggling with that too.  Friends tend to think we'd feel better if we go places with them.  I don't want to go places yet, but I thank them and say 'don't stop asking me out though' as one day I'll say yes. 

I had a couple of sessions with a Psychologist who is also a trained hypnotherapist.  I didn't find her that helpful but she did give me the idea of looking on Youtube for hypnotherapy and meditation videos - these I find great in helping me cope with major anxiety and sleep. I've also been reading heaps of posts on this awesome website over the past few days and don't feel quite so alone now.  Such heartwrenching reading and lots and lots of tears.  

I think we have found the right forum!  Here we can chat with folk who really do understand the heartache and adjustments we are going through.

Know that you are in my thoughts, Rianella and I send you strength and love. Xx

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

PS  I hope the speeding son of a bitch has been charged!!

Our case is before the courts now.  The trial won't happen until mid-year. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!


Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.


Sign In Now