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Online Grief Support, Help for Coping with Loss | Beyond Indigo Forums
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      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie

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I lost my first son due to a miscarriage followed by active labor and an emergency DnC in 2010. I lost my second son after active labor and a very traumatic miscarriage in 2013. In 2015 after 72 hrs of active labor and 30 hours after my water broke my son Uriyah was born at 23 weeks. It took the Drs 8 hours to stabilize him. So tiny but so perfect. He steadily made progress for 6 days in the NICU until his body couldn't handle anymore. Our sweet baby boy died in mommys arms just 5 hour shy of being a week old. It was the hardest thing I have ever been thru. 

Here we are a year and a half later and my roommate is pregnant. No one understands why I'm uncomfortable being around her 7month pregnant belly. No one understands why I'm not ok with having an infant in the house.

I'm being told I'm being selfish; it's been long enough; I'm giving up before I even try; if I'm uncomfortable I can leave. What do I do? I'm with the man I want to marry and he's not understanding at all why I am not okay.


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I can perfectly understand why you feel so uncomfortable. It doesn't have anything to do with your room mate. It's about you and your horrible experiences. I'm sure you do not wish anything like you experienced on your roommate. But you have lost three kids and it certainly haven't been "long enough". I can't image what pain you must feel. Going through the worst that could happen three times. Don't blame yourself. I don't know how your partner could not grasp what you're going through. But everyone is handling things differently and though I think a father to be could be destroyed by what happened it's probably still even worse for the mother who had a new life grew inside her which was not meant to experience life.
I can only suggest that you find some retreat where you're not faced with what you always wanted for yourself. But at the same time, try not to be jealous. There's a new life on the way and I'm sure you wish for it to survive. Keep in mind that it's your losses you have to deal with, not the happiniess of anyone else.

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Smanor1987 you have truly had such an awful time losing two babies in the most tragic way and then to actually have a tiny preemie in your life for 6 short days, my heart breaks for you. That photo is so lovely that innocent little face of your son Uriyah. I cannot imagine the pain you must feel and the anger of being robbed of the opportunity to hold and cherish your own child when there are so many other people who are able to have kids easily even if they are not always good parents. i was a nurse in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit many years ago for 15 months or so before I had my own children. I witnessed many tragic events like yours and held devaststed parents in my arms trying to help comfort them but knowing I could not give them what they really needed, which was a healthy baby. It was incredibly painful for the staff involved too because we had cared for these babies  and had willed them to live as much as you did, because we knew how much these babies were wanted and loved. Some babies survived and some did not, each circumstance was unique. babies born at 23 weeks have a very slim chance of survival and often have deficits afterwards, buy you know that already don't you? I am so sorry that you and your partner were put in this tragic situation three times. It is never long enough to grieve for your babies, you will grieve and remember each tiny one always throughout your life. marcel gave some very honest words of advice in the post above, which I agree with. Men and women do grieve differently we are all individual and a man is often expected to be "the strong one" who has to keep the family members from falling apart and having to go back to work first because it is the "right" thing to do. Unfair but true. The men often grieve as deeply but may not feel able to show their emotions because they may be considered weak or less manly. On the day my son was killed my ex calmly went to work, and continued to do so for weeks afterward not because he needed the money because he is very wealthy, but because it was familiar and he had not told anyone so he could keep his emotions in check. I hasten to add he is also a very emotionally restricted person anyway, quite cold and logical, but that was his way of coping. He does not speak about our son to our other adult children either, it is just his way. I fell apart and had a massive mental breakdown so I was not much better. It is just the way we are all made, I believe we have a set amount of resistance within us and that is how we cope with stress and traumatic occurences, and when that is breached we fall apart until we heal and build up the resistance again. It is a process that takes a long time, and it may happen again and again. Each time you come out a little stronger even though you may not feel it. You are a true survivor already. I understand how you feel about your roomate, it will always be painful to be around a pregnant woman because of your losses. I hope your man will be able to understand that it would be torturous for you to be living with a baby in the house, and will seek alternative accomodations for you both. I understand that yearning for a child to fill your empty arms and I really hope you acheive that dream one day in the future. We are here to help you, to let you know you are not alone, that you are heard and understood, and not judged. share as often as you feel able to, as much or as little as you want we will be here for you ok?

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