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Callier92

mother
Only Parent I've known

2 posts in this topic

I've never done this before. My therapist recommended somewhere online I might find someone who can relate. So, here goes. I grew up as an only child and with one parent, my mother. I lost my mom four years ago this April. I never got to talk to her before she died. I was working out of state saving money to make her life better. I don't know how it happened, but it was a car accident. When I asked about it, I'm told it's none of my business. When it happened, I was told it was a broken leg and nothing more. I thought; okay. Good. Just a leg. Could be worse, but thank god it's not. I'll take time off and stay with her in the hospital. When she's released, we'll either go back home or back to my place. I'll work and take care of her and hire a nurse to be with her while I'm at work. I lived about three hours from the hospital she was at and I rushed to her. My uncle's wife gave me bad directions, so I ended up at the wrong hospital! She called the cellphone and gave the right directions to my friend while I drove. Ten minutes away and without so much as a care to her voice, I heard her say to my friend; "the doctors aren't gonna wait any longer. She's dead." And hung up. I found out the truth. It wasn't her leg. It had nothing to do with her leg, it was fine. My mom's neck had been crushed. The part about my mom's neck I just found out last month. Once we found the right hospital, the police were waiting and questioned me for hours. finally, I was released to see my mom and talk to the doctor. She was brain dead, but her heart was going strong and on life support. Which I didn't understand if she was gone. I tried to talk to the doctor, but her family pulled me away and started going on about what they wanted. The doctor managed to tell me I had to chose. Pull the plug or keep her on life support. I tried to ask him about what would happen if kept on life support, but yet again her family pulled me away. Telling me to do what they wanted. Telling me to do what my grandfather wanted. I wanted to hear the doctor out to tell me what happened and what would be better for my mom. When it came down to it, it was just me. My choice. I didn't have a father to make the choice or talk me through it. I didn't have siblings to hold hands with and cry. I didn't even have a spouse. My family were of no help, talking over me and ignoring me. I was only allowed to agree with them. When I cried, I was yelled at that I had no right. Maybe I didn't.....finally, I agreed to pull the plug. I never spoke to the doctor or a nurse. I told them I wanted to be with her when she went. My family argued obviously. I went to her room and held her hand, talked to her, kissed her and rubbed her feet and legs, brushed her hair and tucked her in. It took ten minutes. In those ten minutes, her father nor siblings never came to the room. My cousins popped in every few seconds. After those minutes, I told her I loved her and made her comfortable. When I tried to leave the room, I froze. If I left, it meant everything was real and not a dream. I lost it and a nurse and the doctor helped me to a private room. 

 

Sorry for the long post. I've never told anyone besides my therapist about that day. Those that know choose to ignore it.

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Dear Callier,

I'm so sorry to hear what happened. You have been through so much and I know its hard to process everything that happened. Losing a parent at any age is horribly shocking and sad.  Please know you did the best you could with the information you had. I can tell from what you wrote how much you loved and cared for your mom. She was your number one priority and you were a devoted daughter. Always wanting to make her life better. No parent could have asked for more.

I know the actions and words of your grandfather, aunts and uncles hurt you deeply. And its hard to forgive them. During very stressful and difficult situations sometimes people don't behave as we wished or hoped for.

Please know you are not alone. We are all here to listen and support you in anyway we can.  Thinking of you.

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