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zhmc2413   

Hello, I am really seeking help for my boyfriend, sorry for the long post

My boyfriend is 19, just months ago in August his mother, who he was close with as an only child, passed away. He was away at college basketball camp, and she became ill, he came home and she was admitted into the hospital and in a matter of 2 weeks many complications arose and she passed away. The 2 weeks after her death he spent planning her funeral, having a graduation party, and packing to start college. He is a freshman at the same college as me, and also is a division 1 basketball player, so from her death he had a lot to deal with. He went to three therapy sessions, but quit as he got busy with basketball and school. He has only cried to me twice about her in the past 8 months. We were very close, best friends, very open honest, and in love, but in the past month things went downhill. The school did a video capturing the story of her death, this came out last month. The weekend that came out he got a lot of people reaching out. He then got extremely drunk, and cried and went over her death more than he ever has, even saying he wants to kill himself. The next morning he went to talk to his coaches and assured me he was okay and it was just drunken thoughts. His motivation for school and basketball slowly dropped, and i began fighting with him and found myself nagging him to do is homework and such. 2 weeks ago, he randomly broke up with me, ending our 2 year relationship which he had plans to marry me and such. He said that I needed to focus on myself and take care of my anxiety and depression, and stop arguing with him about little things, but he still loved me. Within the 2 weeks he has completely changed, he is short and angry with me. He isn't really talking to his friends, and only plays video games all day. I have been trying to talk through things with him, as he was never one to give up on a relationship, and he refuses. He also refused to go home saying "there is no one he wants to see at home" and will not go back to therapy. Today he revealed to me he dropped a class and quit his major, which he was very passionate about. 

I am just very worried that all of this, the breakup and everything is apart of something bigger related to his mothers death, since he did not have much time to grieve. He as suddenly turned into someone I do not know. I am very worried about him and was just seeking clarity and advice.

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Dear zhmc,

Sorry to hear about the passing of your boyfriend's mother last year. I know you love him and want to help him. And its so hard when he is pushing those closest away.

Losing a parent is very hard. Its a terrible shock. Everyone's grief is so different. I know you are trying to support him. I can identify a lot with what he is going through. The pain and sorrow is overwhelming and sometimes we all do destructive things to try and forget the heartache.

It will take a lot of time to work through all the raw emotions. Grief makes you question everything in life. Continue to support him anyway you can. Let him know you worry about him. I'm not sure if other friends and family members can encourage him to attend counseling, join a support group, seek out other resources in the community, school or church.  There are some good websites like What's Your Grief, GriefShare.Org and The Grief Recovery Method. Legacy.com also has a lot of good articles about grief and bereavement.

I know its not easy for people to talk about their feelings and their pain. But continue to let him know you care and will support him while he figures things out.

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I lost my mother recently too. You have to let him grieve on his own, be there when he needs you, listen, whatever he needs. Grief is like a roller coaster, one day you will be okay and the next day you will completely fall apart. Everyone deals with it in their own way. 

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