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4Hdad

Anniversaries

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Tomorrow is our wedding anniversary. I've been sad and depressed every day, so tomorrow shouldn't be all that different, and I know I'll get through it the same way I get through every day. It's just another reminder that we'll never have another day together. Our anniversaries were always pretty simple affairs; a small gift and a card, a dinner date, maybe just walking around together in a bookstore afterwards (we were both bibliophiles). Once we got the horses they ate up a lot of her time in the evenings, and between them and her school, we hadn't been spending as much time together as I'd have liked. I don't feel as much regret behind it as I maybe could, but the truth is we just had too many responsibilities that got in the way.

After all of the barn chores are done, I may just go out to dinner alone tomorrow night, maybe take the kids, maybe not. I feel like I ought to do something to honor this day besides sit around the house and hate the world.

Some of us have been doing this longer than others. If you've passed milestone dates like anniversaries, is there something special you do to honor the day? This will be my first anniversary without her and I honestly have no clue what to do. 

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I haven't had a yearly anniversary yet. The first major date coming up for me, other than the monthly death date, is her birthday in April. I am planning to see if I can get a few friends together and go eat at one of her favorite restaurants. It's going to be very sad and emotional but it might be a good way to honor her. She actually wanted to go eat there as soon as she got back from her trip, she was all but begging me in her cute way. I told her we would as soon as I saw her next, which never came to be. I haven't been able to even think about going there since then. Her birthday will be close to 3 months since she passed, so...

It's hard. There's no easy way through it. I've learned that the hard way. And this isn't something we can avoid or postpone. We will be grieving for a long time. And there's no stopping it. It's why it feels so uncontrollable - because it is. We can't control that our loved ones left us. Neither could they, or they would have stayed. Just the universe and its cruel reality, complete indifference to life. Life happens, we value it so much, but the universe itself? Couldn't care less.

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4Hdad---I'm sure that however you decide to honor your wedding anniversary, it will be right for you, and your wife will be happy and proud

My own is coming up in May. My husband and I would either enjoy a special meal at home or we would go out. I'm planning a single balloon release privately. I'm going to get the biggest balloon I can find, in his favorite color. Do some special writing on the balloon or insert a note and let it go, hoping he can see it from Heaven.. Or maybe more balloons, I haven't decided yet. We were together for 25 years, lived together 24 and married for 18 years, 3 1/2 months. Maybe a whole truckload of balloons.

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There is no one way to handle our anniversaries...each of us must do what we feel brings us the most comfort.  I wanted to go away to the motel where we stayed on our honeymoon and previous anniversaries, but found I just couldn't it was too much for me emotionally.  And now it's tore down so I'll never have that opportunity.  Perhaps it's just as well, it'd never be the same without him anyway.

What I ended up doing was putting messages in balloons and sending them up to him.  They burst and came back to me.  It made me laugh, I wondered if he wasn't replying!

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4Hdad

I hope the day was not too difficult for you and you made it through in one piece.  If not, and you had a melt down; that's OK too.  The next couple of months are really going to be difficult for me; next month will be our 45 wedding anniversary and the following month, his birthday.  Not looking forward to celebrating these days 'solo'.  What I'm anticipating doing is celebrating both days in the manner we were accustomed to; with our family.    

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I've gone through a handful of those "certain days."  Valentines Day and her birthday are the two I do things for.   I don't care to say what specifically (that's between us), but bottom line to me is if it helps you in any way, do it; if it just makes it harder, don't feel "obligated."   For ex. the day of her passing I wouldn't acknowledge in any way if you put a gun to my head...but some do, and again if that helps, why not?  It could be something as simple as going through old photographs, or writing them a letter, or the balloon thing like someone else mentioned, going somewhere you used to go or doing something you used to do together etc.  There may be ideas on the internet too FYI.

 

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The dates are the absolute hardest part of this for me, or at least have been so far.  I have no plan to get through them.  The 3 month anniversary of her passing is coming up on Thursday, and her birthday is April 3rd, so I am in for a rough couple of weeks.  Our anniversary isn't until September, so I have plenty of time to think about that one.  Going to the grave site on the "special" days is the only thing that even slightly eases the pain for me that I have found so far.  The two month anniversary went the best of any of them.  I spent two hours at her grave just reading to her and crying.  I wrote a letter to her, and read that.  I read a lot of the posts from here, both my own, and responses to them.

It helped and the day went better than I had feared, but it was still brutal.  Right now there are flowers and things from other people at the grave.  That helps, but I know before long that will slow down and eventually stop.  As it gets lonelier there, I worry about how that will affect me.  At some point I know it will only be me, as it was in the hospital so many times.  Those were dark, isolated days, even when I had her physically with me to ease the burden.  Now I just don't know how I will get through some of them, but I will, and in the meantime I just can't worry about it, one moment at a time.  For all the good moments I can find on the other days, the pain and the grief seem to intensify on those days.  I hope you got through it as well as possible 4Hdad, I know mine will be ugly,

Herc

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I took the kids and mother in law out for dinner on her birthday. That was something we all needed to honor. Our anniversary came and passed, and I did not do anything special. She was on my mind all of that day and all of that night, much like every other day. 

Actually, I had intended to do something simple, just dinner alone then wander in a bookstore or something, but had forgotten that I'd had an obligation for that night. It was one made in advance and I was not thinking of the date at the time I agreed to it, but it didn't feel right to cancel. The day passed uneventfully. Work, kids and horses, then company when I didn't feel like having company at all.

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You were thinking of your wife on that particular day, she is on your mind everyday. That is what is most important. That is the best way to honor our loved ones. Keep them in our minds and hearts.

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