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AJ75

I Can't Believe He is Gone

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It's possible you're right, Francine, but I've seen people get impatient with our level of progress or lack of it...it's why people tell us we need to move on, or they have just the right person for us, or all the other crazy things they say to us.  They are impatient.  Usually they're well intended but it's not helpful to us!  They don't understand how hard it is to go through this grief, the length of time it takes just to process it, let alone adjust to it.  They want to see some progress.  At any rate, we both agree it's time for a talk with the friend, you can't deal with what you don't know.

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1 hour ago, KayC said:

It's possible you're right, Francine, but I've seen people get impatient with our level of progress or lack of it...it's why people tell us we need to move on, or they have just the right person for us, or all the other crazy things they say to us.  They are impatient.  Usually they're well intended but it's not helpful to us!  They don't understand how hard it is to go through this grief, the length of time it takes just to process it, let alone adjust to it.  They want to see some progress.  At any rate, we both agree it's time for a talk with the friend, you can't deal with what you don't know.

I agree, people can sometimes be impatient with us especially if they have never experienced losing a loved one and the overwhelming pain it brings.  I definitely agree with you - communication can fix things we don't know are broken, and in her case, I hope it does; my concern is that AJ75 is not too broken to fix herself.

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AJ75,

I am so sorry for your loss.  Your husband seems like a wonderful man, and looks like quite a character.  I know your pain, the loss, the emptiness, the wanting nothing other than to be with them again.  I am also sorry you are losing the home you had together.  I am sure the loss of the items and memories you had together there will be as difficult as adjusting to a completely new lifestyle.  My heart goes out to you, and I hope his family is at least discussing the situation with you to make it easier on everyone involved.

Regarding your friend, I think it could be both that she wants to see progress for you and that she may be encountering issues with the situation. There are very rarely black and white issues, particularly when dealing with complex situations like grief, or living arrangements, it is usually a bit of both.  it was very nice of her to offer you a place to stay, but with it being as sudden as it was, and with the emotional nature of everything right now, sh may not have fully processed what it would be like.

Any new living situation involving roommates can be difficult.  When you throw in the emotional nature of someone deep in grief it makes for a very volatile situation.  The best thing is to be completely open and honest about what is going on with you and them.  Don't forget the friends husband either, who may feel a bit trapped by the situation.  It is possible that his wife made the offer and he agreed, but wasn't completely on board.  These are friends, and it is good that they are there for you now when you need them, but it is also a giant lifestyle change for them that they may not have completely taken into account when they made the offer.

Further in our grief it is difficult for us to truly understand the needs and wants of others.  While we likely empathize more now than we used to on the big issues, we are so drowned in our grief that some of the smaller things may slip by us.  I know at my work I have let a few things slide that I never would have missed before simply because they don't seem as important to me now.  While friends should have patience with us during our grief, they frequently don't.  Roommates usually have little things that drive one another crazy, leaving clothes in the washing machine, taking the last soda out of the fridge, etc.  Your friends may be uncomfortable talking about these things knowing that you are grieving, and you may not pick up on them because your mind is understandably on other things.

I don't know the specifics of your situation, and I could be completely off base here.  Please take all of this with a massive grain of salt.  Every situation is different, and I don't have any idea of the specifics of yours.  What I do know for sure is that in any situation I ever had with roommates, communication was always a good thing.  Express honestly how you are feeling, both regarding your grief, and the living situation.  Encourage them to do the same, and try to listen and understand their point of view, which may be extremely difficult given the situation you are in.  Hoping you find some comfort and what stability you can,

Herc

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I would like to know how everyone is dealing or has had the experience with bedtime. Is it possible to fall asleep without crying to sleep? As much as I would like to stop crying I can't, he pops into my mind when I am trying to rest and water works are turned on. I am awake most of the time until 3 or 4 in the morning but I stay in bed until about 12 or 1 in the afternoon. I figured I have no reason to get up and I stay in bed. I feel like this is the only place I can come and talk to anyone. Sometimes I wish I had someone here who understands and can help me process everything.

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AJ75---I feel everyone has their individual issues. i cry at night but I've never cried myself to sleep. My mind won't shut off. I toss and turn with the memories flash backing. It is tough. I've been using generic Zzquil just to get an hour of sleep. I've tried relaxation and breathing methods with no success. i just live with it. maybe in time down the road it will get easier.

Have you tried a professional grief counselor/therapist? They are equipped with helping you process the grieving.

I come to this forum quite a bit because I have no one to really talk to. I live in a remote area that doesn't have grief counselors, so I do my best on my own. I want to check into e- counseling. I have to find out if my health insurance covers it.

(HUGS)

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KMB,

I remember going through the lack of sleep, it's very hard to make our way through this when we don't get the basic sleep our body needs.  Have you seen a doctor for some help with it?  I wish I had done that.  I think I made it harder on myself than it needed to be by thinking I had to tough it out.  Now, knowing what I know, I would make a different choice.

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On 3/25/2017 at 3:00 PM, AJ75 said:

I would like to know how everyone is dealing or has had the experience with bedtime. Is it possible to fall asleep without crying to sleep? As much as I would like to stop crying I can't, he pops into my mind when I am trying to rest and water works are turned on. I am awake most of the time until 3 or 4 in the morning but I stay in bed until about 12 or 1 in the afternoon. I figured I have no reason to get up and I stay in bed. I feel like this is the only place I can come and talk to anyone. Sometimes I wish I had someone here who understands and can help me process everything.

Nights are the worst for me.   During the day, I try to keep my mind busy and sometimes time passes, but at night, when the quiet comes, the smiles fade, overthinking starts, my tsunami comes with a vengeance.   When I finally doze off to sleep, I don't want to wake up.  I think I'm having a better time asleep - Is that sad or what?  It is almost like a reverse nightmare, when you wake up from a nightmare, you're relieved;  well when I awake from my sleep, it's into a nightmare.

 

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50 minutes ago, Francine said:

 

Nights are the worst for me.   During the day, I try to keep my mind busy and sometimes time passes, but at night, when the quiet comes, the smiles fade, overthinking starts, my tsunami comes with a vengeance.   When I finally doze off to sleep, I don't want to wake up.  I think I'm having a better time asleep - Is that sad or what?  It is almost like a reverse nightmare, when you wake up from a nightmare, you're relieved;  well when I awake from my sleep, it's into a nightmare.

 

It's the same for me also. I prefer sleep when I can. We have to deal with reality when we are awake.

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I can't seem to stay asleep all night, tossing and turning. Don't know what I am dreaming about, wish I did, would make more sense if I knew why I was tossing and turning. I have started a free trial on a counseling site called betterhelp.com to see if it helps any. Plus I'm going to try to go to our favorite vacation site and see about a job, it would only be for the summer, but that's ok with me right now. I do appreciate everyone here, you are helping by listening and replying. I feel like we are friends from a distance that know what to say to each other. Thank you to everyone!!!

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AJ75, Sleeping can be an issue for many of us.We are dealing with emotions, our minds are stressed. I started out with chamomile tea. Found myself getting up later for the bathroom and not being able to get back to sleep.sleeping is still an issue.

It's good you are trying the counseling. We have to start somewhere with finding the right support/guidance that grief counseling offers. A summer job is a great baby step in getting your feet wet, so to speak, with this new reality.

 

I know how tough it is. Keep putting one foot in front of the other, day by day. (HUGS)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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