AJ75

I Can't Believe He is Gone

28 posts in this topic

He passed away in January 2017. I am having a difficult time with his passing, not sure what to do, where to go, who to talk to about anything. I miss him so much it hurts. Everyone keeps telling me time heals all, but how much time. I don't want to cry anymore but I can't help it. Feeling sad, lonely, lost, all at the same time. We have been together for 9 years and decided to get married this year which didn't happen :(. His heart was tired and stopped pumping, no attack, no pain. I had a dream where he said  he was ok and not sick anymore, but he isn't here either.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

You can always talk here. I don't know if time can heal all, certainly not in my lifetime. I'm so sorry you couldn't even get married anymore. Those missed chances must hurt a lot. But that doesn't diminish the love you had and the pain you feel now. All of us feel the pain, no matter what time has passed. But everybody here is willing to support you.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thank You Marcel, it does help knowing there is someone I can talk to about what I am going through, but it also seems like there are a lot of us going through the same things. I know losing him is one of the hardest thing I have to deal with, the other is since we never married his children are selling the house and land and everything that is his on the property. That hurts.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

AJ,

It's a fallacy that time heals all wounds, the truth is, it takes much effort on our part and grief is exhausting.  You're off to a good start by coming here.  We're all in this together, and we "get it".  You are dealing with so much at once, and I am very sorry.  Keep expressing yourself here, it's validating to be heard and understood, and that's the one things we can do here.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

AJ75----Welcome to the club that we don't want to be a part of. But, here we are. The ones that have lost our soulmates, I am sorry for the loss of your beloved. Our loss and pain is a horrendous ordeal. It changes who we are and dumps our life as we knew it upside down. You lost your beloved the same way as I, his heart gave out. We all have the same feelings, most times all conflicting each other. They can no longer be physically present and the loneliness is excruciating.

I am sorry you never got as far as marriage. It must be so tough on you. I imagine you had, or have to, relocate, since his kids are taking over the sale of the property, etc.? You have my heart felt empathy.

Take care of yourself and your basics needs. Come onto this forum here whenever you need to. You will be heard. We are here for each other.(HUGS)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hello AJ

I'm so sorry to read of your distress and devastating loss.  Words are hardly enough but I do truly empathise.  My Husband passed away as his heart too was weak and it stopped pumping.  I was alone with him and so frightened.  It's 23 weeks but it may as well be 6 weeks, everything still replays in my mind and I can understand how bewildered you feel. The suddenness adds to the trauma too.  It's such a shame his family is treating you badly, that can't be helping.  It's the worst thing to go through this and I'm so sorry I can't be more positive.  Do you feel counselling may help later?

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I have been searching for  maybe group grief sessions, but waiting sucks. Then I found this web site and decided to go for it, I need to get better and improve my life. My kids are worried about me and I don't want that, they have their lives to worry about. Sometimes I just want to disappear but I know I can't do that, too many people look for me. I'm also trying to decide if the things that I have, that belonged to him, should I keep or not?! Still trying to work things out and try not to cry. He was a wonderful person, made many friends, helped other people out and asked for nothing in return. I'm gonna miss his smile, his touch, his laughter, just him all together.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

AJ75---- If group sessions are not available, this forum will be beneficial, I hope, for your sake. If I were in your shoes, I would keep anything that belonged to him. Down the road, you will be grateful you did. You will want to hang onto everything and anything as proof of his existence. Your soulmate is a beautiful person. And I say IS. He is not here physically, but I believe he is here spiritually for you. Just as I believe my husband is still here spiritually for me.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

KMB, AJ.

Im struggling with the stuff issue, right now I'm not even washing her clothes, they still smell like her. I still go into her closet and gather armloads of her clothes to cry into. Right now I want everything different, furniture, house, cars, everything. The place I'm living, we have owned for the entire time. I don't want to be here now. But I have a feeling this will change in the future, that I'm going to go through a phase where I need to surround myself with her things, our old life of things, places. Her death has left me feeling physically beat up, mentally and emotionally wounded. Everything is tough to deal with, I don't want to go to work, but I have to. It CAN be distracting for a while, but its increasingly not doing so much for me.

AJ, you're still young, you WILL have more of life. I just signed up for this forum, needed an outlet that isn't my already grieving family or friends. My wife's passing really saddened my entire family, she was loved and liked by everyone. This forum seems a good solution, keep writing to us here. WE will keep writing back.

And KMB, they are ALL watching us, reaching out to us when we need them most. My wife the Angel. Your Husband the Angel. When your pain is at it's worst, that's when he will reach out to you, when you will feel his touch, his love for you. I feel hers and it helps, but I'm still just waiting to join her....

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

rivenburg-----Our emotions are all over the place, especially in the chaotic, overwhelming first weeks. Our brains are in shock. We have suffered a trauma. Later, things will change.  The last of my husband's laundry I have in a paper sack in the laundry room. I cannot bear to wash them. Paper will retain my husbands smell. Weird, but you will come to understand, we need to hang onto every essence. My husband's work hat and gloves are in a paper sack. Every so often when I feel a great need, I open that sack and breathe in the smell of sawdust and diesel fuel. The rest of my husband's belongings are as he left them. I am in no rush to change anything. This is our home, where we lived and loved. There are no rules or time frame for grieving. I own my grieving, I've earned it. I will do this my way. If someone comes into our home and doesn't approve that my husband's jacket is still slung over the back of his kitchen chair, his keys and cellphone still on the table, his shoes still laying in the entry way, ---well, they can leave. To the rest of the world, my husband no longer exists, legally or financially or physically. So, I need the validation and proof that he did. I have memories, photos, belongings. No one can take those away.

As like you, for me now, it is just the waiting. I know I have to fill the empty void in some way, but i will always be waiting. Prayers and hugs to you. This is a tough journey.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thank you KMB, prayers and hugs to you also. I'm thinking of finding a local support group also. This is bigger then me, the first time in my life I haven't been able to cope. I miss her with a constant raw pain only one of us here can understand. Only other widows/widowers I meet understand, today one started to cry for her lost husband from 47 years ago. It never goes away when you've had a relationship like we did. I have come to a conclusion watching so many of my male friends who are single and in their 50s, they didn't have, or did NEED a relationship as close as I had. Of ALL my married friends we were THE only ones to NOT have separate finances. Perhaps I'm simply born weak and needed something they didn't, or perhaps they never LET themselves trust as deeply as I did? I KNEW for the first 37 years of my life I needed and wanted more from relationships then I was getting. The last twenty years has been the golden time of my life.

Those who have never had the deep relationship don't appear to understand what we are going through. Two of my relatives, a sister and a niece, have marriages that are like mine was, THEY understand and frankly, my wife's passing made them a little bit afraid. She was very close to them and none of us are young. 

I'm thinking some new local friends, fellow widows might be who I require for company in the future, everyone else gets uncomfortable talking about her, except my family.  The 80 year old lady who's husband died 47 years ago told me this "don't let them ignore her, like she didn't exist, SHE DID exist and they need to acknowledge her". She was even angry at those who had obviously not been comfortable talking about her husband after all this time.

I could easily lose myself in our past, her stuff, lock the front gate and rot here by myself. Its VERY tempting. I think I would eventually self destruct though. I can feel it now, beyond reach only because of the shame it would bring to my loved ones that grieve with me. I almost wish I had nobody to keep me here. It would on a certain level, be easier. I have grand children that are devastated by their grandmothers loss, she was THE closest person to them, closer then their mothers. I owe them to be here and be sane.

 

Thanks for talking to me, it DOES help a little bit.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

rivenburg, Thank goodness for this forum. It has become my life line. I did join a grief support group. The meetings were once a month. I gave it a shot for 4 months. Sometimes, they are not for everyone. For me, it was comparable to sitting in school , listening to the teacher. The leader would pass out paper with the points of grieving. She would read us the grieving points and session over. Very little interaction. I couldn't handle it. Maybe I'll go and try it again if I feel I'm keeping myself too isolated.

I'm not trying to turn you off from grief support groups. You would have to try it for yourself. They are run differently and can be helpful. I just happen to live in an isolated area of small communities and the support group I went to is the only one offered.

You are blessed to be surrounded with the support of many family and friends. Grandchildren are blessings unto themselves. They have a way of getting us to smile through our tears.

I am sorry for your emotional pain. We never get over it, we will learn to adjust and live with it. At least I hope so. For all our sakes here.

The 80 year old lady you mention, I get her perfectly. My husband was well known in our area. He was a logging truck driver. Hauled wood for our neighbors, friends and many others. He was known for his hard work, fairness, wisdom and generosity. These days, no one wants to talk about him. It hurts so much that everyone has gone on with their lives and I'm the only one to keep his memory alive. i guess that is the way of life. It keeps moving forward and those of us here are supposed to do the same, whether we want to or not.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
14 hours ago, rivenburg said:

The place I'm living, we have owned for the entire time. I don't want to be here now.

It's the opposite for me and we just moved into our house half a year before she died. But she made this house so beautiful, I couldn't leave. I've been to her grave three times since the funeral. I don't get anything from it. But here in our house I can still feel her presence. My stepdaughter thought she could never live in the house her mother died in. But she moved back in at the beginning of this year and she says she can still feel her mum's warmth in these rooms. Like me she doesn't get much from visiting her grave. We both know it's just what remains of her body that's in there. Her spirit is here with us.

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
16 hours ago, KMB said:

AJ75---- If group sessions are not available, this forum will be beneficial, I hope, for your sake. If I were in your shoes, I would keep anything that belonged to him. Down the road, you will be grateful you did. You will want to hang onto everything and anything as proof of his existence. Your soulmate is a beautiful person. And I say IS. He is not here physically, but I believe he is here spiritually for you. Just as I believe my husband is still here spiritually for me.

I so agree with this whole statement!  There is time enough to let of of his things if you want to,  but not right now when it's so fresh and hard to think clearly.  Try not to do anything you can't undo at least in the first couple of years or so, unless you are SURE.

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
42 minutes ago, Marcel said:

It's the opposite for me and we just moved into our house half a year before she died. But she made this house so beautiful, I couldn't leave. I've been to her grave three times since the funeral. I don't get anything from it. But here in our house I can still feel her presence. My stepdaughter thought she could never live in the house her mother died in. But she moved back in at the beginning of this year and she says she can still feel her mum's warmth in these rooms. Like me she doesn't get much from visiting her grave. We both know it's just what remains of her body that's in there. Her spirit is here with us.

 

I feel your love for her.  I feel the same way about our place.  I know there may come a day when I'm too old and frail to stay here shoveling snow and hauling firewood, it's not like being in an apartment where someone else takes care of the place.  But I would have a very hard time leaving here and would miss greatly being in the place we shared together...and this is where I've scattered his ashes and want mine scattered someday.  This is the place with the shared memories...

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

rivenberg,

Welcome here, I hope you find much comfort on this site, as we all have.  It DOES help to talk things out around those who get it and understand.  This is a good place to be, I just wish none of us had the need, that we were all safely home with our loved one, but alas we're where we are dealing with what we must.  I hope you'll continue to come here and post what's on your heart.  I'm so sorry for your loss.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Today was our day, we liked to do our hair and his beard green. We would dress up in green and go out for dinner and a few drinks. I felt like he was here with me today, so today seemed like a good day. This group has helped me with my emotions. I am glad to be able to talk to people that know what I am going through, without opinions, and offer comfort and support. Thanks everyone for being here for us and me.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

AJ,

I'm glad you felt him with you yesterday.  What good memories...I smiled at the thought of you guys "going green". :)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

AJ75

I'm so sorry for your loss and truly know your pain.  I lost the love of my life of nearly 45 years about 3 months ago and I still feel the numbness and pain; the pain that rips your insides out; the pain that makes that hole in your chest (where your heart used to be) larger; the pain that cripples your entire body; the pain that aches your heart so much, you can't breath; you can't say a word, you can't make a move.  The pain your mind is fixed on.  The pain that makes the burning heavy tears stream down your checks -   I know that pain.   What I also know is that the pain that you've been feeling, can't compare to the joy that is coming.  God words are true.  In Romans 8:18 it states, "consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed to us."  And in Job 12:10 it states "In HIS hands is the life of every creature and the breath of all mankind".

Remember the loved you shared for one another and know that in the short amount of time you had, you loved a lifetime.  As much as it hurts, I know you have to be comforted in knowing that he is no longer in any pain.  Focus on your life and how richer, happier and overjoyed you are from having him be a part of it.  Celebrate the memories your both made and shared together.

While he may not be here physically, know that his spirit is still here. It is the same spirit that raised Christ from the dead that lives in us.  God never sends us into a situation alone. HE goes before us; HE stands beside us; HE walks behind us.  Whatever the situation you are going through now, be confident that God is with you.

I pray that God gives you the strength to accept the things you cannot change; the courage to change the things you can, and the wisdom to know the difference.  I ask God to give you the strength to go on when you're tired; when discouraged, give you hope; and when you are afraid, give you peace.

I hope you continue to post when you feel the need to.  There are some amazing people on this website who are not afraid to share their stories while giving you the support, comfort and encouragement you need at this most difficult time.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

okay I don't get to stay where we lived together, and a friend moved me into her and her husband's place an hour and a half away, but now it seems like she is pushing me to find a job and do things. Don't want to hurt her feelings, but it seems like she is getting irritated with me being here, maybe it's me but i don't know.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

She's wanting to see progress.  She knows you can't stay in limbo indefinitely.  I lost my job after my husband died and had no one to help me so I had to go through the job hunt...this was at the beginning of the recession, I was worried about losing our home.  So I got a job.  It was hard, I didn't always like getting up and commuting 50 miles away, but I did it.  And I didn't lose our home, although it hasn't always been easy to keep.  I lost my job three times since he died, the last time I decided to retire.  That's when my house decided to fall apart.  Seriously, the first week I found out it needed a new roof!  And it hasn't quit since then.  Then my body fell apart, injuries, "conditions", needed surgeries, all done alone.  Friends disappeared when he died.  I made a new friend but she's since moved away, a few states away.  But I've somehow done it, survived this "alone".  I talk on the phone with my sisters, but my daughter doesn't have contact with anyone in the family, including me, and my son is busy with his job, wife, kids, 2 1/2 hours away.  You look a lot younger than me...I'm facing old age alone.  I don't like it, this was not my preference, but I have to do it somehow.  

I'm glad you have a friend that took you in.  I'm sorry you are feeling rushed.  Maybe it's time to have a talk with her, clear the air.  It's not good to feel like she's irritated with you.  She's probably feeling helpless, wants to help but doesn't know how.  We do have to let people know what we need from them, it's hard when we don't even known ourselves.  This is all exhausting, isn't it?!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

AJ75,

It is wonderful that your friend took you in during this difficult time, but unlike KayC, I don't necessary feel it's progress she necessarily wants to see from you.  People do good things, but just like seasons, they change - for whatever the reason.  From your post, you apparently have sense something.  Trust your senses, they're usually based on facts tucked away just below the conscious level. Maybe her financial situation is putting stress on her and she wants you to contribute to some of the household finances, who knows.  In any case, my suggestion would be that you speak with your friend, after all, what are friends for.  Let her how much you've appreciated her kindness; express your feelings and ask for hers.  If she's truly a good friend, she'll be honest and tell you the truth.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!


Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.


Sign In Now