Jump to content
Online Grief Support, Help for Coping with Loss | Beyond Indigo Forums
  • Announcements

    • ModKonnie

      Advertisements   09/05/2017

      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie
Sign in to follow this  
Marcel

I know what I should do, but I don't

Recommended Posts

I know I can't take away the pain. But my wife wanted me to live my life. She even said I should find someone new or that she would send someone my way. I can't even imagine thinking about it.
Still I know what I should do.
I should take care of myself. My wife was a stickler when it came to nutrition. She would prepare healthy meals from scratch. No processed foods, no unhealthy ingredients. My stepdaughter is the same way now. It may take her two hours in the kitchen each day but she's eating healthy, living healthy, I'm so proud of her. But for me I couldn't care. I started smoking again the day my wife died. I just eat what tastes good, too much meat, less vegetables, I drink too much wine. I don't care about getting old. My daughter will probably be out on her own is max five years. My parents are in their mid 70s. It doesn't matter if I live to be 100 or if I go at 60. I just have to make it long enough to support my stepdaughter until she can be on her own.
But I know I should take care of my body. I should start playing my guitar again. I should continue composing music. I should start cycling again. I should start meditating on a daily basis.
I did all of it once or twice but I can't get myself to do it on a regular basis.
I promised my wife I would write a novel about her illness. We both thought the last trip to the hospital would make great material for a Stephen King movie. But then I think what would change if I'd do it? Why would I ever want to be with any other woman, while I would never be able to take her pictures off the walls? Why would I ever want to play the guitar if I can't share my music with her?

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Marcel, I feel your pain, I know the feelings you describe of not being able to carry on with your daily life. 

I am a musician myself, I play piano. I also have a hobby doing sound and music production. My love had planned to have me record her singing and make an album for her. We got one or two songs done but just life and not enough time got in the way. I still have the playlist of songs she wanted to record. I still have some of the instrumental piano tracks I made for her to sing to. I haven't been able to get back into any of my music work since she passed. If I do sit down and try to play anything I end up playing sad music and crying. I used to love upbeat dancey music, I can't bring myself to play that now. She loved my music and my work, that's why I wanted to give the world the gift of her voice. 

I have been eating fast food a lot more than I used to. I used to watch my calories, cook a lot (she loved cooking too and we often did it together), pay close attention to my health, and so on. Since she passed I just eat whatever I feel like, even if it's unhealthy, even if it's not good for me. People say "you have to eat something" so I say "fine, give me a milkshake." I can't bring myself to actually stand around and cook anything like I used to. As I said we used to cook together, it was one of the times we'd just spend time together. We'd share the tasks, and when things were in the oven or whatever we'd sit and talk or watch TV together or anything. Doing it alone just reminds me that there's one less person, one less person to eat what I make, one less person to spend time with, one less person to savor the taste. Everything I do I want to share with her and I can't, I never will be able to again. I can't deal with it.

I've also thought about writing a book about my relationship. Our love was beautiful. It was the kind of love many people only dream of. I am scared that once I pass on, once those who knew us and our love pass, our relationship will just fall into irrelevance and won't mean anything. It's already like that, people at work and around town offer their condolences then ask what I'm doing these days to keep busy and to "move on". I'm not moving on! I can't. I have even been asked when I think I'll be ready to date again. What?? How could I ever share anything as beautiful as I had with my girl with anyone else and have it mean anything close to as much as it did with her! I want to write our story just so it will be permanent, so it will live even after I am gone, after my friends are gone, after my time is over. I would be content at this point to write my story, get it out there and then pass on. I don't feel there's anything left in this world for me. I can't do my music, I can barely do my job, my spirit and my gifts are gone. If there is an afterlife, my love took my spirit with her when she died. Our souls were so connected that she couldn't cleanly leave this world with her soul, without ripping out huge parts of mine. 

I know what I should do too. I should live my life the way she would want me to live it. But she's not here. She isn't here to be proud of me. She isn't here to encourage me, to pick me up when I fall, to celebrate with me when I win. She isn't here to share in my and her successes. She isn't here to start and raise a family with me, to pass on our gifts to the children I wanted to have with her. She's not here for anything that this life was supposed to be for us. This life feels so meaningless and empty. I don't know how to be what she wanted me to be, because she's not here, and she took it all with her. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Marcel,

Eating healthy isn't only about how long we live, it's the quality we live.  In order to have proper brain function and clarity of mind, as well as feeling good, we need to eat healthy, get exercise, etc.  I understand the "not caring" part after they die, it's hard to care about anything...but then that's just when we need our self care the most.  If you have a daughter, that's all the more reason to try, for her, if not for yourself.  Sorry, don't mean to lecture, just pointing it out, I know it's hard to think straight after loss.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Marcel---I get you. It'll be 7 months for me tomorrow night. I'm still finding it hard to get motivated for anything I used to do. I have to force myself to do things .I talk to my husband out loud. It helps me, but I'm here with just our dog and cat, and maybe they are relieved to hear my voice instead of just the background noise of the tv. When I do manage to do something outside of the basics, I do feel better. It proves to me that there is still some degree of saneness in me. Sometimes I crash after doing something and it'll take me another day or two to work myself out of the pit again. I consider it progress, slow as it may be.

I don't eat much. I don't have any appetite and most things are tasteless. I eat just enough to stave off the hunger pains. I found out the hard way that not eating at all and the hunger pains intensify the emotional pain. If I don't feel like food, I do drink a can of Boost.

I used to be an avid reader. It took me a couple of months before I could pick up a book again. I still cannot fully focus and concentrate on reading, but I try. I have zero interest in anything but maybe that will change.

You'll get there too, Marcel. It takes time and much effort. It takes effort in changing our inner dialogue and attitude. We are all works in progress. I miss my husband every second of the day and night. I just have to make the best of it until that *someday* comes and we will be reunited.

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

KMB, I have had that sense, when I do something like dive into work for an hour or so, I do feel a little lighter, but it's true, grief doesn't give up. I pay for that "relief" by having an even worse evening, or an even worse next day. 

I try to dose my work in little tiny increments. Work on something for 5 minutes, then do nothing or read this board for 15. Then do something else for 10, and so on. It seems to help a little, but it doesn't matter in the end, the despair is all-consuming and fills my entire existence. 

Everything I do makes me think of her. I wish I could show her what I am doing, I wish I could hear her encouragement and get her support and opinions like I always did. Maybe she is watching me, but this world is probably foreign to her by now, so the things I'm doing, the mundane daily tasks that we did together, would those even matter anymore with her new enlightened state? 

My love was also a reader, so I haven't been able to get back into reading at all. I know that I would simply want to share my books with her. We used to recommend books to each other and would read and discuss. I won't ever be able to do that again with her.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Marcel, KMB, etc.. I understand your pain. It's been 32 days since my wife of twenty years died, brutally, of something weird, blood clotting. I took her to the ER on March 3rd, by February 14th she was dead. She had such grace, such strength through the entire, outrageously painful death. She brought dignity to the term wife. She is with her savior now, she wasn't afraid to die. She was 58, had a figure like an athletic teenager. Measured every calorie she ever ate, exercised obsessively. She defended the wronged and befriended the down, even when that cost her professionally. She was a positive influence on everyone who knew her, copied her healthy shopping and cooking, her exercise, her education, her defense of those persecuted. Like me, there was NO subject she wasn't interested in learning about. We discussed every branch of science and research there was. We spent the end of every day (that we could) sitting next to each other discussing the days events and any news or interesting research developments. That I cannot share the world with her anymore is THE worst, even worse then waking up alone, nothing but pillows to hold. She had tumor the size of your fist removed from her brain in 2009, she finished her PHD after THAT. She never complained, even though the tumor had left half her face paralyzed and with horrible seizures in her sleep, the 8 years this surgery gave us together was a blessing I'm now learning to appreciate.   She was a stoic. As one of my sister's said "A proper lady". I'm 57, I spent 37 years looking for this one woman, NOBODY WILL EVER REPLACE HER. My life as I have known it is over. I was part of a pair, not an individual. We would have spent the next 40 years together given the chance. This world has no meaning for me now. I was one of THE most life-affirming people on the planet, everything to me was about improvement of life for my family, my community, my country, my species. My wife spent the entire twenty years we were together educating herself, She was DR. Carmen Rivenburg P.H.D. We were putting together a company to sell training and IT services to rural school districts in Northern Arizona, just printed up the first business cards. She had just gotten the PHD about 17 months ago and her career was taking off, she was about to be a monumental force for good in our community, we both were. I cannot do this without her, this dream is gone, stillborn. We will NOT be helping our community like we planned. The things Marcel and others stated, that sharing without which life's meaning recedes. My greatest pleasures in life were sharing new places, new experiences and the beauty of nature with her. Holding her tight in the night, taking the worlds BEST pleasure in just skin on skin with my arms around my peacefully sleeping wife.
I have adult children, adult and minor grand children, sisters and brothers, nieces and nephews, friends, our dog, who ALL have stood by me and I cannot just give up and let them down. I'm acting strong for my children and grand children to see. But I don't want to, I want go with her. I've spent 90% of the last month alone crying, begging her to take me with her. My only meaning in life is not letting the OTHER people that love me, down. Without them, I'd be gone already. This world has lost its meaning for me. I'm no longer, life-affirming, I am captured by death now. KMB, I'm on the same watch, "till we can be reunited". Hoping this gets better for you four, I'm hunkering down, one foot in front of the other. But the light has gone out of this world for me.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

rivenburg, Your post has the tears starting. Such a beautifully written love story. The both of you endured so much together. It is so tragic your wife's life was cut short when the two of you were all ready to set the world on fire and help your community. Heartwrenching.  I am so, so, sorry for your loss. The love you had for each other is spoken so clearly and loudly. 

Losing our soulmates is the hardest trial of our lives. I don't like being here without my husband either. I don't have a choice. I also don't see any meaning or purpose to being here. All we can do is take care of ourselves, take it minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day, one foot in front of the other. We will stumble and fall many times, pick ourselves up and keep trying. Baby steps and slow progress. My only consolation is that I believe in eternal life and my reward for this hell and pain I'm enduring is being reunited with my husband someday.

Welcome to this unwanted club, rivenburg.  You will find comfort, listening ears here. We understand the pain of loss of our soulmates.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
16 hours ago, KMB said:

I used to be an avid reader. It took me a couple of months before I could pick up a book again. I still cannot fully focus and concentrate on reading, but I try. I have zero interest in anything but maybe that will change.

KMB,

All of my life I've had a book or two going that I was reading.  I read every day and thoroughly enjoyed it.  After George died it took me TEN YEARS to get my reading back like it was before!  I'd read something but retention was hard, my heart wasn't in it, focus wasn't like it was before, etc.  I was concerned it might be gone forever.  Suddenly a couple of years ago I got it back, and I'm so glad!  
I don't think my focus has been 100% as it was before, however, judging from what I used to do on my job and how I've struggled to concentrate since.  It's improved, but I really don't think it's as good as it was before.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

KayC---maybe it will take me 10 years also to fully get back into reading. I page through and skim the grief books I have. That can be a downer in itself. I started an actual fun to read for the heck of it book a couple weeks ago. I'm only a couple chapters in. I find myself re-reading to remember where I left off. The focus/concentration is not there. I haven't read for the past few days though because I'm just too *grief exhausted*. My one true enjoyment throughout my life was taken from me along with my husband. I hate this! My husband wouldn't want to see me like this, but I have no control of my feelings. I just go with the feelings and hope for easier times ahead.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I can relate.  I didn't think I'd ever get my love of reading back but all of a sudden I got it back with a vengeance.  I'm very glad.

Now if I could get the love of my hobby back with equal force...
I have made hand made cards for over 30 years.  George loved watching me work on them, he said I made "happy sounds".  "Happy sounds?" I asked.  "Yeah, like whistling and humming and stuff" he replied.  
It seems I only make them now when I need one.  I used to have so much fun trying out new techniques, new mediums, etc.  I miss having that something I did just for the fun of it.  Creativity is so healthy for us!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I find it humbling how the knowledge that our loved one actually enjoyed something we liked to do makes it that much harder to do it when they're gone.

Even if she didn't personally care about what I was doing, my girl often asked about my hobbies, wanted to know details, would let me ramble, even ask questions to understand better. And sometimes we'd sit together in a room, each doing our own respective thing, but just being physically together. We'd sometimes talk, but sometimes just our physical presence with some music or a movie on was enough. 

I haven't been able to get back into any of my regular hobbies, even things she wasn't that into, because she was always happy when I was happy, and vice versa. But that means that now I just want more than ever to keep sharing my hobbies with her. I want those conversations to continue, those quiet nights together just pursuing our interests side by side even if they were separate. Togetherness. That's what I miss.

Some people talk of being able to have a "spiritual" relationship. I hope I'll get there. But right now I just miss the physical relationship too much. I am still mourning so much the loss of her physical presence in my life, in the world. Things around me will change, I know this, but her being around was a stability, something I could depend on, so anything else was livable. Without her everything that changes seems to twist the knife a little more, even things like stores closing or moving or remodeling. One place that we used to go to closed the other day and I found myself weeping. If she had still been here, we'd have been a little sad, but we'd have found new places to go. We will never make new memories together, so whenever a representation in the world of a memory we had goes away, it hurts all over again.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

My wife and I were very different. E.g. she liked some of the music I was into but a lot was just noise to her. Still we had plenty to share together. It's hard to go to places we'd been together. It's hard to listen to music we both enjoyed. But actually I mostly do nothing. I hardly play my guitar, I hardly listen to music, I hardly ever go anywhere.

But all the time I think, she wanted me to be happy. She specifically asked me not to let myself go, not to just sit in front of the computer and drink the time away. On the one hand I should honour that and make the best of what I have left in my life. On the other hand I feel guilty even thinking about moving on without her. Though I also know that my being miserable won't help neither me nor her. I just don't know what to do.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

We never had the conversation about what she would want for me if she died. 

I wish we had.

Of course it's easy to say "she would have wanted me to go on." But it would have been different if I had heard her say those words at some point in time. We just never talked about it because we didn't think it was something that we needed to worry about right now. 

Yes, she did tell me her wishes for her death, but she wasn't thinking "now". She was thinking "way in the future." She even said so.

The closest thing we ever came to was one time, when we were talking about relationships and she said that "if something ever happened to us, like if for some reason we couldn't stay together, I'd want you to find someone else." Of course I'm far, far, far from honoring that. But we never talked about just day to day stuff, or how either of us would handle it if we DIED. Death wasn't something we were thinking about for ourselves. She actually did like to study death as a concept, she discussed it in terms of books, movies, and the like, but other than the one time she told me her wishes, she never spoke of her own death, especially not of her own death happening in the next few months.

I still cannot accept it. It doesn't matter how "Full of life" you are. Death can come any time for any reason to anyone. Yesterday when I was with my mom in the parking lot, a car tapped her bumper accidentally. I thought for just a second or so "This is it.........." Of course it was very light and there wasn't even any paint damage, but yes, anyone can die any day, not even from medical issues, but from accidents. For most people, that fact can just be ignored because it isn't happening to them or their loved ones. My friend died from cancer but it was a long drawn out battle, it was no surprise. My dad died suddenly but he was in his 70s, still too young but at least not his 20s. My girlfriend died in her early 20s, far far too young, hadn't even really begun to live her life yet. I can't accept it. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I don't think of enjoying life as moving on without them.  I take him with me, wherever I go, whatever I do, the same as I would have before he died.  He just isn't physical anymore, but he's inside me, with me, he can never be gone, not totally.  I wish with all my heart I could have him back the way it was before, but being as that isn't an option, I've had to learn to do life the way it is now.  He's so much a part of me, my family would probably be surprised at how much he's on my mind, in my thoughts...

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I find it very difficult to read a lot of your posts, because my wounds are so fresh.  My beloved husband passed away in February and I find myself always missing him.  One of the worst parts of my day is when i come home from work, expecting him to be there.  He was such a good person, a real "people" person, and everyone loved him.  It is hard to realize that all that vitality is gone.  

I believe that one day i will find peace, but it will be a struggle, and it will always be as KayC said, "I take him with me, wherever I go."  That is all you can do. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Marcel, Fzald,

I have exactly the same. It's like what you said, every word, fits exactly how I feel right now. I even wonder how "tough" this body of mine is if it can withstand so much pain and misery all the time. I feel like I am dying all over again if I think about how much I miss him and how much I love him. I don't take good care of myself and I wish sometimes that some disease will get me so I can die younger. Because now if I think about how long my life is still going to be... I just really feel so lost. It's so useless. Everything is useless and nothing matters anymore, nothing. I am pushing the pain back in my head because I can't deal with it, with him leaving my side. And sometimes the pain bubbles up and hits me so hard that I feel like my chest is stabbed with a knife... and I cry so much. I feel so powerless and it is such a cold, dark place without him by my side. I don't see how I am ever going to be able to live with is normally... like they say that I will somehow one day look back and smile... how can I? How on earth can I? They never experienced true love and what we had was exactly what you described. I don't believe in a second partner and that I will ever be that happy again. My heart and soul left me and I am an empty person, filled with grief.. and with no fear of death... even wanting it all to end but knowing it will not happen any time soon. I can't know what will happen but so far, 3 months since he has passed, it feels like an eternity since I last kissed him or hugged him. I miss him so much. What can ever help me? I am totally broken and I can't be fixed by anything because all things in this world that made sense doesnt make sense anymore. Anything that had value, I value no more. This person that is what is left of me, feels so ... weird... I am not me anymore and this new person that I've become are bits and pieces of what I used to be. It feels so broken, and so scraped up pieces. I can act normal to the outside world but it's so played out, it's just not how I feel and it's exhausting. I feel like dying but I just can't tell my loved ones around me that. I really wish for death. I really wish that somehow nobody needs to feel the pain if I pass... so I can just sleep and wake up next to him. I know really well how unhealthy my thoughts are but it is how I feel right now. Like life is really useless now... there is no point in living if I can't share my life with him. Why do we live? Why are be born with such huge capacities of loving but also the capacities of pain? The deeper the love, the deeper the pain. 

I had a thought the other day... I think the ultimate goal in life is having experienced love in all forms. And we had that. And I truly believe that love has no boundaries... or time...and this thought, makes me feel a bit better... knowing that we have it still, our love, I can feel it, but I feel the emptiness even more at the same time. It's feels like it's tearing me apart. It is such a blessing to have experienced this love, but it is such a living hell right now for me. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

cp, it's been a long time for me but it's something I've had to learn to live with.  I dang near went berserk with grief at first!  It blindsided me and no way did I expect it, I thought we had years left together!

Wearenotalone, you ask why we live, it took me a long long time to find purpose and create a life for myself I could live with.  It's never like it once was, and you're right, this is exhausting.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

KayC:

I have been so lonely. I looked up the word lonely.  Here is what it said:

Solitary, without company, isolated, standing apart.

That is surely where I am 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

cp9042

Lonely is a sad place to be, without our partner. I feel like I am going to go insane with the *lonely*. Somehow, we will develop a different life for ourselves. Try different routines to take the place of the ones we can no longer have. Find new activities, something to get us through the days. This is so hard! My heart is with you. One day at a time.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

C&P

"

Fzlald

 

haven't been able to get back into any of my regular hobbies, even things she wasn't that into, because she was always happy when I was happy, and vice versa. But that means that now I just want more than ever to keep sharing my hobbies with her. I want those conversations to continue, those quiet nights together just pursuing our interests side by side even if they were separate. Togetherness. That's what I miss.

 

Kayc

 

He just isn't physical anymore, but he's inside me, with me, he can never be gone, not totally.

 

"

I hear you. 

 

Autocharge

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Lonely seems to be common for us, we had our lives built the way we wanted and then it changed.  

I agree that they are never totally gone from us.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

Sign in to follow this  

×