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Clare

It is what it is

it is what it is...  

2 members have voted

  1. 1. I've lost my best friend....

    • My husband
      1
    • My man
      1


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Clare   

I've lost my best friend. .

My security  blanket. .

Where does anyone go from here ....

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Marcel   

If you find out I'm all ears.
I don't think there's an easy answer. We all lost our loved ones in different ways, we're all different persons yet, the pain is universal and the unanswered questions are the same.
I find it helps to just share my thoughts and feelings with people here, who have gone through the same thing and are still going through it.
The worst part is being alone with your thoughts. It feels so overwhelming and you feel so helpless. Think out loud, maybe reading what others have experienced helps you feel less alone with your pain. Because when you lose your partner loneliness is your worst companion.

 

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fzald   

Clare,

So, so, so sorry to hear of your loss. The pain is unbearable, the empty feeling is always present. Sometimes we are able to push it aside for a little while and get some things done, but it's always there, their absence, the knowledge that what we once shared is gone forever. I don't know the story of how your husband passed, but there is no "good way" for someone to lose their partner, their soulmate, their best friend and confidant. 

I lost my girlfriend of 6 years to a sudden brain hemorrhage. She was only 22. She was fine the last time I saw her, we had plans to meet the following week. She went out of town with family, suddenly passed out and never woke up. The day we were supposed to see each other next instead became the day she died. The next and last time i ever "saw" her was at her funeral. For me the pain has gotten worse and worse. The initial shock wears off within a month or so, and you're left with your pain, your heartache, your longing and yearning for something that can never be.

Some people wish for money. Some wish for a good job. Some wish for a mansion. Some wish for fame. Me, I only wish for my love to be back in my arms. And the sick sadness of it is that for everyone who wishes for money, fame, whatever, those things are all still within the realm of theoretical. It may not be likely, but any one of us could still become famous, win a lottery, become rich, whatever. But none of us will ever have our beloveds back. That is the sad, horrifying, painful finality of death. It turns a "maybe" into a "never". It turns a "what is" to "what will never be". 

For about 5 days, my girlfriend clung to life in the hospital. I will never actually know exactly what happened during that time, but she was unconscious. During those days, I had hope. The "Never" wasn't real yet. As long as her heart kept beating, she had a chance. We had a chance. The day she died is when everything fell apart. Suddenly there was no more hope, no more "maybe", no more "if", no more "hopefully." Everything became "never again" and "final" in an instant. I went from happily living a great life with a girl I love, working a good job and enjoying every moment of my life, to dreading the next day, not being able to sleep well, barely getting by each day and sometimes wishing I could just die. 

Where do we go from here? I have no idea. I really wish I knew too. The only obvious way is "forward" and "through", but that way has no more appeal to me than any other "way" out there. I would be at peace with it if I found out I had a terminal illness. I would fully accept my death. It looks like I'm not going to die yet, even though the one person I loved more than life itself died so so young. Funny phrase, "loved her more than life itself", because that's pretty much true. I loved life because I loved her. Now I don't love life, I don't love anything, nothing makes me happy, nothing excites me, nothing gives me positive anticipation. I float through each day just waiting until I can sleep again, and then wake each morning only to do it all over again.

Post here and talk to us. We're listening. We all know the immense pain of this grief. It's not fair for anyone to have to go through it. Nobody should ever have to deal with this kind of pain. Yet here we are. None of us did anything to deserve it, it just "is". Maybe someday when we all pass on we will finally understand. But for now, we're stuck in this hell known as life, with nobody to love, nobody to lean on, nobody to be there for us like they used to be. 

Hugs

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KMB   

Clare---I don't know where we go from here either. I'm still trying to figure it out. I am so sorry for your loss. We lose our soulmates and find our way here to this forum, looking for comfort, understanding, being heard, sharing our stories and pain. It takes a long time to absorb, process, find our way. We deal with shock, denial, loneliness and gut wrenching heartache.We keep asking the *why* of it all and the answers never reveal themselves.

We are here for each other. We are here for you. Prayers and hugs.

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Francine   

Claire

I know the feeling of losing your best friend, your security blanket.  I miss mine as well.  I miss his smile; his voice; his laugh; him next to me; his jokes; holding his hands; I miss him teasing  me;  I miss him so much, I can feel my heart breaking. I think we can do the impossible, because you have been through the unimaginable.

22 hours ago, Clare said:

Where does anyone go from here ....

I don't know, but I've got to believe God knows where I'm to be. So what do I do?  I trust that God, in all his wisdom, will lead me to where I'm suppose to be; and I will follow -  even if it's not my plan.  When in doubt, I pray; I don't necessarily think about the things I didn't get after praying; but the countless blessings God gave me without asking.

My prayer is for us all keep strong and keep God first.  God bless you, bless us all.

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KayC   

Clare,

Take a day at a time.  It's kind of soon to figure out where to go from here, just try to get through today and then tomorrow do it all over again.  Take good care of yourself, eat healthy, drink water, if you can, take a walk.  Keep coming here, we're all in this together.  (((hugs)))

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Clare   
On Wednesday, March 15, 2017 at 9:04 PM, Clare said:

I've lost my best friend. .

My security  blanket. .

Where does anyone go from here ....

When my husband was told he would not survive...

He simply said it is what it is...

No anger, no bitterness, no why me..

He just took his finally opportunity to speak to us all individually with his hopes and wishes for us for the future.

There were near 700 at his funeral as Ian was the most amazing husband, dad, brother, uncle and friend.

I feel honored to have had 20 wonderful years with my man.

But now my world is broken but I will not let you down Ian..

The children will be ok...

Please stay close like you promised 

Your C x

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Clare   

Thank you to all that have responded to me..

Kindness from strangers is easier. As I find I am consoling others for their loss of this special man. .. which I totally understand and I cam be strong but inside I feel like every cell us convulsing with pain. 

I also would like to say I'm sorry for all your individual losses as you would wish this pain on your worst enemy.

In suppose all we can do is realise it is what it is and find ways to accept and appreciate the small things that might catch us off guard and make us smile.

Sincere best wishes to you all.

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Guest   
Guest

Clare, I am sorry for your loss.
I am amazed so many people showed up,
Clearly he was a wonderful person.
But indeed where do we go now..
I hope you can find comfort in the small things you mention..
but I know that's hard for so many already
Best wishes to you too
again I am sorry
<3

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Clare   
20 minutes ago, Clare said:

Thank you to all that have responded to me..

Kindness from strangers is easier. As I find I am consoling others for their loss of this special man. .. which I totally understand and I cam be strong but inside I feel like every cell us convulsing with pain. 

I also would like to say I'm sorry for all your individual losses as you would wish this pain on your worst enemy.

In suppose all we can do is realise it is what it is and find ways to accept and appreciate the small things that might catch us off guard and make us smile.

Sincere best wishes to you all.

Ian was an inspiration to me... got me through a lot of tough times over the years... the only consolation I take us that he was getting me ready ... prepared..

Ian will be with a little daughter we lost at 20 weeks and will also be looking after his nephew my brother lost at 3 days old...

I have to believe there's a purpose..

Plus I promised ian that their will be a row when I get up there as he left too soon...

 

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Clare   
12 minutes ago, new133 said:

Clare, I am sorry for your loss.
I am amazed so many people showed up,
Clearly he was a wonderful person.
But indeed where do we go now..
I hope you can find comfort in the small things you mention..
but I know that's hard for so many already
Best wishes to you too
again I am sorry
<3

I look for signs I'm doing what ian would want. ..

I'm possibly just loosing my mind...

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Clare   
1 hour ago, KayC said:

Clare,

Take a day at a time.  It's kind of soon to figure out where to go from here, just try to get through today and then tomorrow do it all over again.  Take good care of yourself, eat healthy, drink water, if you can, take a walk.  Keep coming here, we're all in this together.  (((hugs)))

Thank you...

This is the worst for me. .. falling asleep and them waking up and forgetting for an instant my world has broken...

 

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fzald   

Clare, 

The mornings are indeed the worst for many of us. Sometimes in our sleep we dream and we see our loved ones. We might see them happy, or we might see them come to us and tell us they miss us. Some believe that particularly vivid dreams are a form of "communication", that our loved ones are able to contact us from the other side in our dreams because sleep is when our minds are at their most relaxed. Waking up from a dream of being with your love can be so incredibly painful, as you slowly but surely realize it was a dream and they truly are gone. But even if we don't dream of them, we still wake up and realize another day has come and we must live that day in this empty, cold, lonely world, without the person we love the most and would give anything to have back by our side.

It is so tragic that you have also faced loss of young children in your life. Loss of children is one of the only other kinds of loss that can compare with loss of a soulmate. Both come with the loss of all of the hopes for the future and all of the beautiful things you were hoping for that person in life. 

Please don't take this as me trying to impose any beliefs on you, but I have read somewhere that children on the other side still continue to "grow" and learn, almost like having school but in a more enlightening and meaningful way than any school on this planet could ever be. They apparently still do learn language, philosophy, even science. But the other side is supposed to bring with it an enhanced perception that humans can't even imagine. 

All of these thoughts are so beautiful, but of course none of it truly brings us complete comfort, as we know that no matter how great the other side is, we are not there with our loved ones, they are not here with us on this side, we're not able to share anything together in person anymore, at least until we pass. 

I lost my girlfriend very suddenly, massive brain hemorrhage put her into a coma suddenly without warning and she died a few days later, never woke up. She was only 22. We had a future planned, we were in love and we were going to spend our lives together. I now have to live this life alone, without her by my side, and live only on a hope and a prayer that I will see her someday on the other side, and even then, it won't be this world, I won't be able to share the rest of this life with her like I wanted to. But I did have a dream of her last night, extremely vivid, and one of the many things she said was that she still wanted to be with me and still loved me. It hadn't sunk in at the time, but I want to believe that was her way of saying she's still with me. But when I do make it there I'm sure we'll have a playful fight over the whole thing, over me living this entire life alone without her. But if it is true that I will be with her again, nothing will matter. Just like nothing matters now, nothing will matter then except that we are finally together again. And that is beautiful.

It's so hard, it is. Try your best to stay healthy as others have said, even when you don't have any desire to eat or drink, get out of bed, or anything. Eat at least something to keep yourself nourished, drink water if nothing else, and at least try to get out of bed for a while. Sometimes you will just need to lay in bed all day, and that's OK. Sometimes you will need to take time off of your daily activities, and that's OK. Sometimes you will need to cry, do it. Don't hold anything back. Let all the feelings happen. It's the only way to make any progress.

I am only 2 months into my loss. But others swear to me that slowly, you notice change, you notice that you spend just a little less time being sad, and before you know it you are not sad more than you are sad, and suddenly a little happiness creeps in. You will never ever forget your Ian. He will always live in your heart, but again, people swear that the memories someday will be pleasurable and happy, that they'll make you smile in happy memory rather than cry in pain. Someday your memories of him will be a source of strength. But it takes a lot of time for the change to happen, I don't know how long any more than you do, because it's different for everyone. The only place we can go from here, though, is forward. It's scary, because every day forward feels like distance between you and Ian, but we don't have much choice in the matter - we have been forced to realize and accept that we don't always have control, as much as we like to believe we do. That's very hard for us, especially in our self-centered success-reward-based culture. But it's true, while doctors and medicine can stop some deaths, there are just as many deaths that nothing we can do could have prevented, or even if they could have been, we would have had no way to know it was going to happen. We can't yet predict the future accurately, so we sadly have to deal with a lack of control.

Keep posting and talking, we're all listening.

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Clare   

Thank you for your thoughts and honesty about your beliefs. I have four children but Ian was my world. I feel for you as you did not have the opportunities Ian and I had to create our wonderful family.  And I realise I should feel a lucky woman and appreciate other people have much worse situations.

I do believe Ian us around me and that was a promise he made.... that if it was possible he'd find his way back.

We had a marvellous life together with our family. ..# banter squad... as we called ourselves. 

My job now is to look after my family. ..

Maybe yours is to live your life to the fullest as I'm sure your special lady would want you too...

Lovely to converse with you..

You sound a genuinely lovely guy.

 

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Guest   
Guest

Clare, I didn't think I'd look for signs but here I am looking for them. I probably won't stop. There's more out there than I'm aware of, it's like what do I truly know anyway? Maybe you aren't losing your mind.

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Clare   
16 hours ago, new133 said:

Clare, I didn't think I'd look for signs but here I am looking for them. I probably won't stop. There's more out there than I'm aware of, it's like what do I truly know anyway? Maybe you aren't losing your mind.

Tough day today but felt Ian was with me. .

He's keeping me strong x

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Clare   
16 hours ago, Chasisdope said:

Been wondering the same and still am. :(

I believe I must be getting my strength from the only person that loved me more than life..

X

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Clare   
23 hours ago, Francine said:

Claire

I know the feeling of losing your best friend, your security blanket.  I miss mine as well.  I miss his smile; his voice; his laugh; him next to me; his jokes; holding his hands; I miss him teasing  me;  I miss him so much, I can feel my heart breaking. I think we can do the impossible, because you have been through the unimaginable.

I don't know, but I've got to believe God knows where I'm to be. So what do I do?  I trust that God, in all his wisdom, will lead me to where I'm suppose to be; and I will follow -  even if it's not my plan.  When in doubt, I pray; I don't necessarily think about the things I didn't get after praying; but the countless blessings God gave me without asking.

My prayer is for us all keep strong and keep God first.  God bless you, bless us all.

I believe there is another place we go. .

I do have faith... 

Faith in my family and friends ...

I feel grateful I had Ian in my life. . Even though he left too soon .x

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