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Stace1984

Guilt is destroying me - Lost my partner of over 14 years

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Hi,

I recently found my partner (Gaz) hanging in our garage.  Can you believe the police made me go back in and formally ID him, as if i'd have made a mistake of who he was!  Disgusting! :(

We'd been together since 2002, i was 18 years old and he was 40 at the time.  He is all i've ever known, i miss him so bad.  Our relationship was a secret for the majority of our relationship as i was his daughters friend and he was still with her mother on and off when started seeing eachother .  I know what i did was wrong and i feel really bad about it but i was just a messed up 18year old girl that wanted to be loved. :( About 8 years later his ex took her own life. :( 

I've always had a problem with online gambling and i believe this to be the catalyst for the breakdown of our relationship.  I know 100% had he not been drunk on gin that he wouldn't have done it but i know it's all my fault.  He was genuinely the nicest person anyone could meet, he worshipped the ground i walk on.  2 years ago his family found out we were together and since then we've all got on great but i changed.  Instead of being in our little bubble i often left him here at home on his own and went drinking with his daughter, i know he never had a problem with that, he liked his 'me time', chilling on his ipad and looking for new cars and bikes as this was his passion.  As a result of not seeing him as often anymore as i also took up playing football again, there was a moment in the last 2 years i told him i wasn't sure i loved him anymore, i broke his heart! :(  I quickly realised i was just being silly and that i did love him so much still.  We grew very close again but my gambling sneaked in real bad, probably because i knew i could get away with it without him wanting to leave me, because i knew how much he loved me.  I ended up racking up 30k worth of debt and borrowing from the bank, family and friends and my Gaz,  He wanted to leave me then but i threatened to take me life if he did.  At that moment he decided to stay with me and i tried counselling for online gambling for a number of weeks, i didn't really get anything from it to be honest but to this day (over 7 months) i still haven't gambled online and i intend for it to stay that way.  I really want to get out of this debt that i am in but it will take time.

We had such a silly row on the evening of 10th Feb and he ended up taking his own life in the early hours after sending me a raft of abuse and told me to rot in hell.  He had just recently lost his brother in the same way but they weren't super super close, he was affected but i probably didn't realise how much.  I dunno....

He left a suicide note in his sock, it mentioned only his kids and his brother and sister, nothing about me.  That broke my heart again.  His daughter also went to see a medium, he told the medium to say 'i have no message for stacey', he specifically said that.  He died so angry with me and i'll never ever ever forgive myself.  

I still haven't been to collect his ashes with his daughter because i'm too scared and so is she.  His family have been great with me but his son i think is starting to resent me, which i understand.  His mothers side of the family seem to be poisoning his head which is really bothering me too.  I accept they are going to resent me but they are judging me as an 18 year kid, not the 32 year old person i am today. They don't even know me!

Today i feel a little stronger but other days i just sit and can't control my emotions or the shaking in my legs, every day varies so much.  The nightmares are brutal and sometimes screw me up for the whole day.  I know i need help, I've thought too many times 'why am i even still here', i'm only here because everyone else wants me to be, i wanna be with my Gaz. :(  I find it difficult to open up properly to family because i don't want them to feel my pain.  I am never ever ever going to be happy because he isn't here but i don't want to give up because i don't want my family to feel like i do.  

I'm still living in our house, which he made beautiful for us and i've been in the garage since it happened lots of times too.  Being home alone without his kisses and cuddles is the worst, i hate my own company anyway, now i have no choice.  Family will come if i ask them but sometimes i would rather be alone if i can't have gaz with me anyway.  I cannot bring myself to pack any of his things up and don't think i ever will.  I know there are people out there worse off than me but it doesn't make my pain any easier.

xxx

 

 

 

 

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KMB   

Stace1984----First of all, I am so very sorry for the tragic loss of your Gaz. I literally have no words to express to you properly. Just know that my heart feels for you. You've had so much to endure before his loss, and now, more than ever. You are having to deal with many overwhelming emotions.

Please, keep posting. You can express yourself quite freely here. There is only compassion and comfort given here, no judging. We are all in this unwanted club suffering the losses of our significant others. We all understand, while others who have never been through this, don't.

I'm sorry you don't feel you can open up with friends and family. Have you gone to a doctor for help? Have you considered grief counseling? Some find it easier opening up to an unbiased person.

No words can take your pain away. Just take it minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day. Finding support for yourself and being kind and patient to yourself can be beneficial.

HUGS

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Francine   

 

Stace1984,

I'm so sorry for your loss.  It must have been devastating for you to have found him that way.  You probably are unsure which pain is worse - the shock of what happened or the ache for what never will.  All couples have their struggles, but it appears you loved one another.  It's is unfortunate he felt the need to take his life, and I can't imagine what he must have been going through.  I believe no one who commits suicide really want to die, I think they want to stop the pain, physically or mentally. They don't realize it, but they do violence not only to themselves, but inflicts death upon those whom they leave behind.  We say some of he cruelest things when we're angry, but try to forget what hurt you but never forget what it taught you.    

You thought you couldn't make it through that day, but you did; you thought you couldn't make it through that week, but you did; you thought you couldn't make it through the month, but you did.  One day a time, you'll make it.  Be strong and that things will get more bearable.  It may be stormy now, but it never rains forever.

Don't beat yourself up; after all you've been through a lot and you need to be gentle with yourself. Take that small step; don't force yourself to do too much too soon.  If you feel like wrapping yourself up in a blanket and do nothing, do it.  Do things when you are ready and not when someone feels you should be ready.  I hope you can find in your heart to forgive him.  Forgiveness is not what we do for other people, it is what we do for ourselves to move on.  

I pray that God gives you the Love, Peace and Strength to make it through this most difficult time in your life.   We are here for you whenever you feel the need to post again.  God bless you and keep you, keep us all, safe.

 

 

 

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Thank you for you messages, i really appreciate them.  I forgive him immediately, i could never be mad with him.  It was my fault it got to that point, how could i ever be mad with him.  I can't and i can never forgive myself.  His kids and grandkids only made proper memories with him in the last two years, as much as i now wish we were still in our bubble i am glad they all got those memories with him.  

Yesterday i felt strong, today i cannot stop crying, i miss him so much, i just want to be with him so much but i cannot put my family and friends through what i feel right now.  I just don't feel like i'll ever be happy or deserve to be ever again. 

i emailed Cruse the other day but haven't had a reply.  I'm scared to speak face to face or on the phone about stuff, i only did online counselling for my gambling, i don't know why i feel so scared but i just do.

I dreamt last night that i called him on his mobile and he answered, then as soon as i heard his voice i woke up.  It's screwed me up for the day.  I feel so lonely in the house without him.  I can't even watch tv, only try to do some work and listen to music.  I wanna scream i miss him so bad, i just can't believe it and the visions just won't leave me, yes i saw him in the nice clothes i chose for him in the chapel of rest but i still see him there, right in front of my face, blue in the mouth, it's driving me nuts.  I always knew he would probably go before me because of the age difference but never like this, never.  I just can't get over the guilt.  I see his 8 year old grand-daughter making things for her memory box and it breaks my heart that we denied her so many years because he couldn't bring himself to tell his kids about us and now that poor little girl and her brother only have 2 proper years of memories of him because i pushed him over the edge. 

Head is well and truly mashed today.  I'm sorry, i haven't even asked either of you about your loss.  Please do tell me....sending lots of love xxxx

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Zara19   

Hello Stace

I'm so sorry to read about your emotional anguish and your loss.  I too know the brutal pain of not being able to get images out of my mind. It hurts, it hurts so much and it never seems to stop.  My Husband was 20 years older than me and my loss was sudden even though eventually anticipated. I too feel immense guilt which in some ways is worse or as bad as the grief.  If you are in inner conflict it interferes with the grieving process and our loved ones are denied being remembered in a way they deserve, or at best the process is delayed.  I had 2 individual one to one sessions with Cruse but didn't find it helpful, at the end of the day they are volunteers and sometimes something more professional is needed.  If you haven't had an email back look up the number of your local office and call as there can be enormous waiting lists for one to one counselling, I don't know how their telephone sessions work and I imagine you don't feel strong enough for a group, I don't.  I too come from UK, 35 miles north of Manchester and the waiting list is 2 months but when I was in Blackpool it was 6 months.

I truly, truly empathise with you Stace, how can the world for us change in 24 hours and take away our purpose as we know it and future so cruelly.  I know there are a fair few women that post on the other forum I belong to and they too are suffering the pain of suicide. (The Sue Ryder Online Community).  I think the moderator there signposts people to other organisations as well that may help.

 

Take care and warmest regards.

 

 

 

 

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KMB   

Stace1984---- The pain is unrelenting, I know. It is going to be that way for a long time. It will be 7 months for me tomorrow night.  It feels like yesterday, feels like 7 months and also feels like 70 years. I guess it is just how the mind works ( or isn't working)?  I'm still an emotional mess. My husband passed of sudden cardiac arrest at home here. He must have gotten up during the night for the bathroom. I discovered him when I got up. It was quick and painless. I begged the coroner for the truth and I got it. CPR and paramedics would not have helped him even if I had known right away. He had congestive heart failure and diabetes. We were constantly going to doctor appointments and having blood work , blood pressure, monitored every other week. His heart had checked out fine the week before. He had 2 specialists and we were told he had 2 to 3 years yet. I absolutely hate it that they were wrong. I thought I had been doing well with working my way through the guilt feelings and letting those go. Obviously not there yet, since last night I had another nightmare that I was trying to fix him.

Please, keep posting and sharing. This forum has become a life line. I hope it is helpful for you also. We share a common ground and we all truly understand.

HUGS to you.

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Thanks again for your messages.  I'm so so sorry for everyone's loss, i know circumstances may not be identical but a loss is a loss and no pain is greater than anyone else's.  I feel so vulnerable, like i really just want to be with Gaz, i don't see what i have to live for other than everyone else wanting me to live.  I know his family and my family are grieving but they have their own partners to go home and have for comfort, i'm on my own.  I've never ever lived on my own ever, my sister would be here in a heart beat but it's not the same.  I have no children because he didn't want anymore because he was 22 years older than me.  My sister is messaging lots to try and keep me busy but my head goes so quickly and i feel bad that i don't want to see anyone but i just want to sit, drink and feel sorry for myself.  I have no desire to do anything.  I know i have to work and i have been working from home and sometimes going in the office but i end up just having a melt down and feeling bad on my colleagues.  I've still been trying to play football to take my mind off everything but as soon as it's over it all just comes rushing back to me and i melt down again.  I just don't think i'm strong enough for this. :(  My world gone, just like that.  He's all i've ever known from being 18.  I just can't believe I'm never going to be able to hug him ever again.  He literally made me have a life, he gave me so much happiness after having such a sh*t childhood, i knew i could always rely on him for anything.  My dad slashed his wrists when i was 17, not directly in front of me but i saw it seconds after; because my mum didn't want to be with him anymore, it was like his hand was about to fall off.  I can talk about that and it doesn't upset me in the slightest because he is still here, but obviously at the time it was hell.  A year later i started seeing Gaz and i always looked back at the sh*t childhood and thought how much nothing mattered anymore because he would be here to make sure i'm ok for the majority of my life and i allowed gambling to destroy our relationship and pushed him to suicide.  I will never not be able to blame myself..........so what's the point in being here anymore.  I'm sorry for all the negativity, it's just genuinely how i feel.  Tomorrow i'm going to pick up his ashes, i'm terrified.  I feel selfish for just talking about me!  I hope each and every one of you get through your struggles i really do because personally i'm not sure i have the same strength as you guys.  You're all lovely people to even reply to my messages, i really appreciate them.  Thank you xxx

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Francine   

 

Stace1984

Right now your emotions are overwhelming; that's what grief does to us.   Just from your post, It appears your are experiencing guilt, loneliness; weakness; negativity; discouragement; selfishness; defenselessness, just to name a few.  At that is normal.  

29 minutes ago, Stace1984 said:

i feel bad that i don't want to see anyone but i just want to sit, drink and feel sorry for myself.  I have no desire to do anything.  I know i have to work and i have been working from home and sometimes going in the office but i end up just having a melt down and feeling bad on my colleagues.  I've still been trying to play football to take my mind off everything but as soon as it's over it all just comes rushing back to me and i melt down again.  I just don't think i'm strong enough for this. :(  My world gone, just like that.

What you're going through is normal; Pain changes people, it makes them trust less, overthink more and shut people out.  Don't shut people out when you need them the most.  Be careful about drinking.  Remember alcohol can't take away your problems, only you can. Never, ever drink because you're miserable; some people drink to forget bad things that happen; some people drink in order to celebrate good things; and if nothing happens, some people drink to make something happen.  Just be careful; it can be addicted.

I too try activities to take my mind off  my Charles and I think that's a good idea; but I think you can only do so for so long.  We all have our meltdowns; because everything is still so fresh to you, you will have them more than others.  I think it's OK to have a meltdown. Just don't unpack and live there.  Cry it out if you must and then focus on where you need to be.  I believe we all should remember that death is the certainty, life is the unexpected gift.

You are strong and you CAN do, you MUST do this; you don't know your own strength until you know your limits.  While it may seem that your world is over; believe me, it is not.  None of us knows how our stories will end, but nowhere in our text should it read....."He/She gave up".  That's just not acceptable.    Life isn't fair; never was and never will be.  It's about finding ourselves; it's about discovering who God created us to be. 
 
I feel you will survive because the fire that's inside of you will burn brighter than the fire around you.  Know that you are in my prayers and all of us will get through this difficult season in our lives.   May God grant us all his love, peace and Strength.
 
 
 

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KayC   
On 3/15/2017 at 9:17 AM, Stace1984 said:

but i know it's all my fault.

No, you do not KNOW it's your fault.  You may think it is, but that does not make it so.  We can't accept responsibility for what someone else does, they had choice that they made of their own free will.
I am sorry for your loss.  For him to try to saddle you with pain and hurt is cruel, I'm so sorry.
I hope these articles are of help to you:
http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/12/grief-and-burden-of-guilt.html
http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/03/guilt-and-regret-in-grief.html
http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2016/03/in-grief-coping-with-moment-of-death.html
I especially like the first article.  The point is, we often take on responsibility for others that belongs only with them.  It's common to feel guilt in grief.  We think if only we'd done this or that differently...but the truth is it may not have made a difference.  We can't always change the course of illness...or even suicide.  As someone who knew someone who committed suicide, I know there's not much else his family could have done that would have changed what happened, unfortunately.  He was troubled, but we all cared about him.

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/03/grief-support-for-survivors-of-suicide.html
http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2013/11/surviving-spouses-suicide.html

https://vimeo.com/112214790

 

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Thank you all for your support, i really do appreciate.  It's so so hard, if i could go to be with him right now without hurting anyone i would do.  I just don't see how life can ever be worth living without him.  I'm not strong enough. :(  xxx

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Francine   
26 minutes ago, Stace1984 said:

It's so so hard, if i could go to be with him right now without hurting anyone i would do.  I just don't see how life can ever be worth living without him.  I'm not strong enough. :(  xxx

I know it's hard and I too felt the way you are feeling now.  But as my priest told me, 'it's not your time.  None of us know how much time we have left on this earth. What is left in the end are our actions. The memories you leave behind and how you made people feel. What you want to leave behind is people to remember you with love'.  God knows my Charles certainly did that.   Measured against eternity, our time on this earth is just a blink of God's eye but our consequences of it will last forever.

You are stronger than you realize; we might crash down and stumbled, but we continue to pick ourselves up and not crumble. We were not made to break; you don't know your own strength.  Perhaps strength doesn't reside in having never been hurt or broken, but in the courage required to pick up the broken pieces.

Stay Strong and God bless you, God bless us all

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I feel bad for saying this, but is it wrong to not even care what anyone else thinks anymore.  The pain is unbearable.  The visions of seeing him there and getting into bed each night without kissing him goodnight every night and kissing him each morning before we went to work.  I am so needy, i loved our closeness and our touchy feely relationship, i need that in my life but knowing i will never ever have that again haunts me, and i really never will, because i always said, he's my first and my last love.  I will never ever ever get over losing him and i'll never be happy again no matter how hard i try.  He was truly an amazing person, i miss him so much.

You've been on this horrible journey for over 6 months already and you still feel pain.  I don't think i can cope with it for much longer.  I am truly sorry for your loss also Francine.  I feel selfish for feeling the way i do but i just don't think i can come through this.  I can't even move his things.  I've still been doing his washing even though things are not dirty, i still sleep with his jumper and can still smell him on it, i can't wash that.  Call me weird but  can't help it.  Arghhhhhhh i wanna scream, i want him back so much!!! :( xxx 

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KayC   

Stace,

Try not to think about how long you'll have to do this...stay in today, one moment at a time.  The pain intensity lessens as we begin to adjust, you can do this.  I've been on this journey nearly 12 years now, it seems unfathomable to me, yet I've done it a day at a time.  And I carry him with me, he's never apart from me, we were so entwined, we are soul mates, so close, so in tune with each other, we could never be apart.  I live by faith, the same as I would if he was on a long trip...one day we'll be together again, and all of this time I did will be nothing.  I draw strength and comfort from knowing his love for me exists still...

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Francine   
20 hours ago, Stace1984 said:

I feel bad for saying this, but is it wrong to not even care what anyone else thinks anymore.  The pain is unbearable. 

I feel selfish for feeling the way i do but i just don't think i can come through this.  I can't even move his things.  I've still been doing his washing even though things are not dirty, i still sleep with his jumper and can still smell him on it, i can't wash that.  Call me weird but  can't help it.  Arghhhhhhh i wanna scream, i want him back so much!!! :( xxx 

I don't think it is wrong; I think its normal. Pain distorts our way of thinking; it makes us less trusting of people; overthink more and shut people out.  If I am honest with myself, for a long time, after my Charles' left this world, I didn't want to hear what anyone had to say or what they thought.  I could have cared less.  It's easy to shut people out of my life (and that's what I did) until I realized God put them in my life for a reason.  Why shut people out when this is the time you need them the most? 

I sleep in his night shirt and actually puts his favorite cologne on it; it makes me feel closer to him in some kind of crazy way.  I haven't removed any of his belongings in our bedroom because I feel if I did, I'd be moving him out of  my life - talk about weird - but that's how I feel now; and that's how it going to be.  Know you are in my prayers - I pray God give you the strength you need now in your life.   You CAN come through this and you will.  God doesn't give us what we can handle, HE helps us handle what we are given.

KayC

Your words are so on point and comforting.  I so relate to them especially your last sentence. It penetrates my soul

5 hours ago, KayC said:

Stace,

Try not to think about how long you'll have to do this...stay in today, one moment at a time.  The pain intensity lessens as we begin to adjust, you can do this.  I've been on this journey nearly 12 years now, it seems unfathomable to me, yet I've done it a day at a time.  And I carry him with me, he's never apart from me, we were so entwined, we are soul mates, so close, so in tune with each other, we could never be apart.  I live by faith, the same as I would if he was on a long trip...one day we'll be together again, and all of this time I did will be nothing.  I draw strength and comfort from knowing his love for me exists still...

 

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KayC   

Stace,

Yes we continue to feel pain on this journey, but not with the same intensity as the beginning.  The grief continues but it EVOLVES.  I miss my husband each and every day of my life, but I seldom cry anymore and seldom have that excruciating pain or grief bursts, although I admit it can hit at any time.  I've learned to let the grief flow and to coexist with it.  I also have happy moments and had I taken my life there is much I would have missed that I could not have foreseen back then, I'm glad I've let things play themselves out.  I don't relish the growing old alone part but taking a day at a time should help even that.  I am thankful for this forum and others like it where we can have others that understand and when one falls down the other can help them up.  We need each other.

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Francine   
26 minutes ago, KayC said:

 I also have happy moments and had I taken my life there is much I would have missed that I could not have foreseen back then, I'm glad I've let things play themselves out.  I don't relish the growing old alone part but taking a day at a time should help even that.

I'm looking forward to those happy moments - no, let me rephrase that - looking for to those OK moments.  I don't ever think I'll experience 'happy' moments again, not without my Charles.  It's almost as if I don't know the word ever existed.  I use to know.  Actually, I was 'happy', very happy with my Charles there by my side.  We were both happy. Now, my once 'happy' feelings have been replaced with 'miserable', 'depressed' and 'sad' feelings.  I know it sounds gloomy, but that's how I feel..  :(

I'm truly glad you are able to find some 'happy' moments, God knows you deserve them, and I hope everyone on this forum will, but for me, no way, no chance.  

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KMB   

Francine, Too bad we don't live closer. You sound so much like me. I saw my first spring robin this afternoon. Didn't do a thing for me. The redwing blackbirds are the very first spring/summer birds to arrive. They have been here for about a month. I used to get so excited and my husband was the 1st person I told. I try to think positively, but I cannot fake my true feelings.

There has always been a nesting pair of pigeons on the old farm here every spring. Several years ago, the dog took out their baby. They nested again and had another young one, which the dog found. The pigeons never returned. A couple years after that, just an offhand remark to my husband, that if something did happen to him, to send me another pair of pigeons. If he could do that, I would definitely believe that he is still here for me. I would believe that there is more out there in that universe. Maybe soon, I can post the good news that a pair of pigeons are here. That would be a *happy* moment.

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Zara19   

Hello Francine/KMB

Spring is turning out to be  very rough time to bear for me.  The green shoots, replenishing leaves on trees and spring plants typically signify new life, hope and optimism - which couldn't  be further from what I feel.  I used to greet this time of year with such enthusiasm.  Forgive me for going on, quite a bad week.

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KMB   

Zara---I so understand. Hope, optimism, not words that are acceptable when the one person you shared everything with is no longer here.

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Zara19   

KMB - Are the pigeons here yet, I'll keep my fingers crossed for you.

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Francine   

 

13 hours ago, KMB said:

. If he could do that, I would definitely believe that he is still here for me. I would believe that there is more out there in that universe. Maybe soon, I can post the good news that a pair of pigeons are here. That would be a *happy* moment.

That would be a *happy* moment and I truly hope you get it real soon.  Keep me posted.

 

12 hours ago, Zara19 said:

Spring is turning out to be  very rough time to bear for me.  The green shoots, replenishing leaves on trees and spring plants typically signify new life, hope and optimism - which couldn't  be further from what I feel.  I used to greet this time of year with such enthusiasm.  Forgive me for going on, quite a bad week.

Like you, Springtime  for me was green grass; afternoon rain showers, open windows, cold ice cream, evening walks, picnics in the park, warm sunshine, pretty flowers, our time for plans and projects,  a *happy* time; something Charles and I always looked forward to. Taking off winter's coat to feel the sun.  We would start our garden with anticipation of producing beautiful flowers and vegetables - we both loved it.  He had a saying, "put your mind on your garden, and your thoughts on your seeds, because you can grow flowers or you can grow weeds."    There won't be a garden this year for me; only weeds.

Now that my Charles is gone, I can't relate to any season.   If I were a season, it would be winter, distant and cold.  I would be an endless winter without any hope of spring.  I guess that's where my heart is now.  Cold; dark and stays in and so does the melting snow (my tears).  Sorry for the gloom and doom, but that's where I'm at now.  So sad :(

Pray for me.

  

 

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Zara19   

So, so sorry Francine. That is where I am too and how painfully difficult this is.  

 

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KayC   
On 3/21/2017 at 5:51 AM, Francine said:

I'm truly glad you are able to find some 'happy' moments, God knows you deserve them, and I hope everyone on this forum will, but for me, no way, no chance.  

Try not to rule it out, I know you can't see that right now.  But there's a reason I called it "moments" because it seems fleeting, not like the "happy state" I felt in when George was alive...I haven't experienced that.  Perhaps it's semantics calling it happy, but whether we use the term happy or joy or good, the point being, there are those good moments such as when my granddaughter was born, or enjoying my dog.  Right now if I could give my daughter a hug I would definitely experience a happy moment, but I haven't gotten to talk to her since Christmas. :(

I pray Spring comes for you soon and you see the pair of pigeons...and yes, I will pray for you, Francine.

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KMB   

Francine, Zara, KayC---We all need prayers. We all need to be with our spouses. I am feeling worse as each day goes by, more lonely, sad and depressed. Is this normal? It's  been a little over 7 months.  It just occurred to me that the ex from my early first marriage is still alive. He is still a jerk, doesn't care about anyone. He has health conditions. Doesn't contribute to humanity in any way. Sits in his house watching movies. Why is he still here? My husband was helping people right up through his last week. Why is he gone?

I have been crying so much more lately. I try to concentrate on one chore per day. A goal for the day. A friend of my husband stopped for a quick chat on his way home. He is in his mid 70's and was told he is diabetic. He had questions, since he knew my husband was diabetic. I tried to stay positive and gave the best advice I could. Considering his age and other health conditions, I pray for the best for him. He is one of two mutual friends left in my life. I hate the thought of being totally alone someday when eventually, everyone we knew is in Heaven except for me.

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Zara19   

Hello KMB

Your Husband sounds like a kind spirited soul, it's desperately, desperately sad.  How old was your Husband if you don't mind me asking.  Dennis didn't get to be an old man and I am so sad for him and me as I know you are for Charles and you.  The worst thing is, is that my subconscious thinks that when I have grieved long enough I can have him back. I want to tell him news on TV but I cant.  The passage of time is making me feel much more desolate and hopeless too.  Nearly 6 months for me.

 Thinking of you KMB.  

 

 

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