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Mrsviden

I just don't know...

70 posts in this topic

10 hours ago, KayC said:

I would see an estate attorney, I seriously doubt they have a leg to stand on, I think they're calling your bluff.  :angry:

I agree with this.  It would be worth it.  You are the spouse and that is that, I believe.

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15 hours ago, Mrsviden said:

I feel as if I have stepped up to be the bigger person and I feel let down. My main concern and emotion is my husband being disappointed or mad at me. Then I think does he hate me now that he's gone.

Oh my dear Mrsviden,

I am so sorry you are feeling this way!  Sometimes our feelings are just that...feelings, not necessarily steeped in truth, but feelings nonetheless.  You have taken the high road and she has shown what she is of, you can't control her response, only your own, and you did well with that.  Of course your husband wouldn't hate you!  His physical body gave out, his mind did not.  His love did not.  How could he be anything but so proud of you for how you're choosing to handle things!  You are the person he chose to go through life with...you will continue to be the person he chose.

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Feeling thankful and blessed that my husband was prepared with a will. He experienced first hand the greedy vultures when his uncle and mother passed away. His father was prepared also and saved my husband from the emotional chaos. My husband wanted the legal and financial process to be as less traumatic for me as possible.

I feel for everyone out there who, on top of the pain of loss, have to contend with greedy, selfish, back stabbing relatives. It's a wonder this world can be a crappy place to exist in.

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I agree, KMB.  This is hard enough without having to deal with complicated legal entanglements and financial hardship.

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21 hours ago, Stonesie said:

Mrsviden,  I'm pretty sure that would be the last conversation I'd have with that person.  People can be so stupid.  I had someone compare losing my husband to how it feels to lose a pet.  Not to belittle that grief, been there, and it hurts... but a husband of 24 years is a wee bit different.

Two months?  Sigh.  Moron.

Funny you mention someone once compared losing a pet to you losing your husband, because HIS sister has done that same exact thing. Don't get me wrong it would tear me apart to lose my dog but nothing compared to losing my soulmate, my husband. 

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11 hours ago, KayC said:

Oh my dear Mrsviden,

I am so sorry you are feeling this way!  Sometimes our feelings are just that...feelings, not necessarily steeped in truth, but feelings nonetheless.  You have taken the high road and she has shown what she is of, you can't control her response, only your own, and you did well with that.  Of course your husband wouldn't hate you!  His physical body gave out, his mind did not.  His love did not.  How could he be anything but so proud of you for how you're choosing to handle things!  You are the person he chose to go through life with...you will continue to be the person he chose.

Thank you for those sweet words, definitely just been a rough few months. I miss him so much. 

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Mrsviden,

My BIL sent me a card after George died, comparing my loss of my husband to his losing his bird.  Then he went on to say his bird came back after three days.  (He's comparing my losing my soulmate to his losing his bird and he didn't even LOSE his bird?!!!)  
People grasp at straws to try and relate to us, don't they!

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On 3/18/2017 at 7:46 AM, KayC said:

Mrsviden,

My BIL sent me a card after George died, comparing my loss of my husband to his losing his bird.  Then he went on to say his bird came back after three days.  (He's comparing my losing my soulmate to his losing his bird and he didn't even LOSE his bird?!!!)  
People grasp at straws to try and relate to us, don't they!

People don't hesitate to blow my mind, I can't believe some of the things that come out of people's mouth. My therapist explains it in a way that certain people can't deal with grief for very long so they acknowledge it and then it's out of their minds, which I guess means then they think of anything to say. 9 times out of 10 it's the wrong thing. With people acting as if he is not here I feel like I have to try to put my feelings aside and not deal with it. I'm in college so I can't really lose it there then on Wednesday and Sunday I have church which of course I can cry there but not like I really want to. With me hiding how I feel all the time makes me feel even more that my husband thinks I'm an awful person because I don't cry 24/7, the stuff with my sister in law really weighs on me, among a bunch of other things. My husband stopped sending me signs so is that a sign that he doesn't love me anymore? Does he think I'm a bad wife? Am I a bad wife? I just don't know what to think anymore, I'm not happy but I'm not crying all the time, what does that mean???? Am I numb? 

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Mrsviden,

I am sure you are not a bad wife.  If he is watching, which I believe he is, I am sure he does not feel you are a bad wife.  I don't think he would want you to cry 24/7.  I would bet he never wanted you to cry before, and as a result, I don't see why he would want you to cry now.  He may be sending you signs, but you may not be able to recognize them right now.  I know I have had moments of grief so intense I couldn't remember which exit I needed to take to get home, I wouldn't be at all surprised to learn that I had missed some obvious signs in those first few weeks.  There were moments where I ran out of energy to cry.  I felt the loss, and the grief, but i had cried so much that I simply couldn't do it anymore.  And then it would pick back up later.  It is also possible that you are still coming in and out of shock.

The primary thing though is to know you are not doing anything wrong.  You have not done anything wrong.  You are not to blame for this situation.  You are a wonderful person, going through an unthinkably horrible experience.  Our grief will lead us all through this miserable place, and no one grieves "incorrectly".  Just breathe, take it one moment at a time, and be as kind to yourself as possible.  Grief is an absolutely terrifying thing in my experience, but our minds will protect us from it to a certain degree, giving it out in doses we can handle.  If you aren't crying when you feel you should be, perhaps your mind is giving you a momentary break to allow you to absorb and process the previous grief.  Hoping you find some comfort,

Herc

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Mrsviden,

I wouldn't judge anything by how often you cry OR by the signs you do or don't get.  Perhaps they try to send signs that we miss, or perhaps they're unable to at all.  That has no bearing on our love.  The love we shared when he died has not changed just because his body gave out on him, one does not affect the other!  Unless you both continually felt you were a bad wife when he was alive, I wouldn't jump to that conclusion now just because his body quit working!

Try to continue in faith that he continues to love you and is as pleased with you as he always was.

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2014/07/in-grief-when-tears-wont-come_14.html
Some people NEVER cry. You do cry, just not all the time.  I don't think anyone cries all the time.  Try not to judge yourself by other people's ill-gotten opinions, esp. since they haven't been through it and they are not you!

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Mrsviden-----Grieving goes through different stages. In the beginning for me, I was crying all the time. Then there was a period where I was trying too hard to be stoic, I was thinking of being strong for my husband. My body couldn't handle *acting strong*, took so much effort. Now, I just let the emotions take over on their own accord. I still cry quite a bit. Probably always will. This is not the time to be so harsh on yourself. We've been hit with a tragic, life altering loss.

Your husband is still with you. Sometimes, the signs can be so subtle that we miss them. Our loved ones in Heaven loves us even more. They send us loving energy and are always with us. We just have to be still, breathe and feel that calmness that they are still with us.

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On 3/18/2017 at 7:46 AM, KayC said:

Mrsviden,

My BIL sent me a card after George died, comparing my loss of my husband to his losing his bird.  Then he went on to say his bird came back after three days.  (He's comparing my losing my soulmate to his losing his bird and he didn't even LOSE his bird?!!!)  
People grasp at straws to try and relate to us, don't they!

I lost my 20 year old cat back in 2013.

It was sad. I still miss her. But my grieving was very manageable. In that situation I did look at pictures, remember when I adopted her, etc.

It's nothing at all like losing a soulmate. Of course pets mean a lot to us. But it's not even a remote comparison to how much another human being who we share our entire lives with means to us. 

(That was also kind of insensitive, to point out that his bird came back...That means the bird wasn't dead, so already it wasn't the same, and honestly, wouldn't ANY ONE of us here give ANYTHING to have our soulmate back??? That's like rubbing it in your face!)

I have that problem whenever I hear about people who barely survived really tough medical emergencies. I want to be happy for the people involved, but I just ask myself "WHY couldn't my girl survive her medical condition? WHY did this other person get another chance when she didn't? Doesn't God, or whoever, realize what both of us would have done with a second chance???"

But yes, people try to comfort us and often do things that make no sense. Mrsviden, you have experienced some horribly insensitive behavior, and I ache for you for that. Nobody should have to deal with selfish, narcissistic, insensitive people in the midst of immense painful grief. It's a time for people to come together, not for people to fight and drift apart. If there is any time to bury the hatchet, it should be when people are grieving and hurting. I wish my girlfriend's family would talk to me, would let me share in the memories and grief with them. It would help a lot to have that connection. But I can't force them to talk to me if they don't want to, that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt terribly though.

 

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5 hours ago, Herc said:

Mrsviden,

I am sure you are not a bad wife.  If he is watching, which I believe he is, I am sure he does not feel you are a bad wife.  I don't think he would want you to cry 24/7.  I would bet he never wanted you to cry before, and as a result, I don't see why he would want you to cry now.  He may be sending you signs, but you may not be able to recognize them right now.  I know I have had moments of grief so intense I couldn't remember which exit I needed to take to get home, I wouldn't be at all surprised to learn that I had missed some obvious signs in those first few weeks.  There were moments where I ran out of energy to cry.  I felt the loss, and the grief, but i had cried so much that I simply couldn't do it anymore.  And then it would pick back up later.  It is also possible that you are still coming in and out of shock.

The primary thing though is to know you are not doing anything wrong.  You have not done anything wrong.  You are not to blame for this situation.  You are a wonderful person, going through an unthinkably horrible experience.  Our grief will lead us all through this miserable place, and no one grieves "incorrectly".  Just breathe, take it one moment at a time, and be as kind to yourself as possible.  Grief is an absolutely terrifying thing in my experience, but our minds will protect us from it to a certain degree, giving it out in doses we can handle.  If you aren't crying when you feel you should be, perhaps your mind is giving you a momentary break to allow you to absorb and process the previous grief.  Hoping you find some comfort,

Herc

The things you say make perfect sense. I do feel that I'm out of energy to cry, I have cried so much these past few months than I've ever cried before. Yes you are right when you say he never wanted me to cry, because then it would make him cry lol. 

Grief is something I'd never wish on anyone, not even my worst enemy. I honestly just feel like I don't even know if I'm doing the right thing and with me being such a perfectionist I feel like I'm letting Joe down. It's just such a tough feeling to explain. Almost as if there are words. 

Hope you're doing well Herc...

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41 minutes ago, KMB said:

Mrsviden-----Grieving goes through different stages. In the beginning for me, I was crying all the time. Then there was a period where I was trying too hard to be stoic, I was thinking of being strong for my husband. My body couldn't handle *acting strong*, took so much effort. Now, I just let the emotions take over on their own accord. I still cry quite a bit. Probably always will. This is not the time to be so harsh on yourself. We've been hit with a tragic, life altering loss.

Your husband is still with you. Sometimes, the signs can be so subtle that we miss them. Our loved ones in Heaven loves us even more. They send us loving energy and are always with us. We just have to be still, breathe and feel that calmness that they are still with us.

I believe that's exactly where I am at is trying to be strong for my husband, but there are times where I still lose it, where I still want to lay in bed. I did see a butterfly yesterday but it just kept flying it didn't land anywhere near me. I'm my own worst enemy and this is no different I just beat myself up that I didn't do enough or without him here he doesn't love me anymore 

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6 minutes ago, Mrsviden said:

The things you say make perfect sense. I do feel that I'm out of energy to cry, I have cried so much these past few months than I've ever cried before. Yes you are right when you say he never wanted me to cry, because then it would make him cry lol. 

Grief is something I'd never wish on anyone, not even my worst enemy. I honestly just feel like I don't even know if I'm doing the right thing and with me being such a perfectionist I feel like I'm letting Joe down. It's just such a tough feeling to explain. Almost as if there are words. 

Hope you're doing well Herc...

Mrsviden,

I know exactly what you mean.  I have always been am amazingly self confident person, some people might have said egotistical.  I found myself floundering, and still do on occasion, with self doubt.  I have to remind myself, we are doing everything we can, and there is no right or wrong thing to do, only what we can to keep going through this.

If our loved ones were here they would not only forgive us, but marvel at the strength with which we are facing this.  They would comfort us and feel pride in how brave we have been through it all.  If you doubt that, just imagine how you would feel towards him if you saw him going through what you are right now.  Thank you, and I hope you are doing as well as possible too,

Herc

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18 minutes ago, Herc said:

Mrsviden,

I know exactly what you mean.  I have always been am amazingly self confident person, some people might have said egotistical.  I found myself floundering, and still do on occasion, with self doubt.  I have to remind myself, we are doing everything we can, and there is no right or wrong thing to do, only what we can to keep going through this.

If our loved ones were here they would not only forgive us, but marvel at the strength with which we are facing this.  They would comfort us and feel pride in how brave we have been through it all.  If you doubt that, just imagine how you would feel towards him if you saw him going through what you are right now.  Thank you, and I hope you are doing as well as possible too,

Herc

Thank you again Herc. I've always been pretty strong, I had to because of dealing with cancer and when my husband doubted himself I had to be there to encourage him. Now I find myself really vulnerable and I'm not used to that. But your comparison is very relatable and I appreciate your understanding. Thank you again...

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2 hours ago, fzald said:

I lost my 20 year old cat back in 2013.

It was sad. I still miss her. But my grieving was very manageable. In that situation I did look at pictures, remember when I adopted her, etc.

It's nothing at all like losing a soulmate. Of course pets mean a lot to us. But it's not even a remote comparison to how much another human being who we share our entire lives with means to us. 

(That was also kind of insensitive, to point out that his bird came back...That means the bird wasn't dead, so already it wasn't the same, and honestly, wouldn't ANY ONE of us here give ANYTHING to have our soulmate back??? That's like rubbing it in your face!)

I have that problem whenever I hear about people who barely survived really tough medical emergencies. I want to be happy for the people involved, but I just ask myself "WHY couldn't my girl survive her medical condition? WHY did this other person get another chance when she didn't? Doesn't God, or whoever, realize what both of us would have done with a second chance???"

 

What I'm about to say I don't want to be taken the wrong way as if I want someone else to die instead of my husband but one of my husbands high school friends came over 2 years ago(he hadn't seen him since high school) and told my husband he was making his rounds because he only had 3 months to live because he had stage 4 lung cancer. My husband wasn't all that sick then, he had CLL but it was in control, which later on transformed into AML about 1 year and a half after this conversation. Well as mentioned before this was 2 years ago he came over and told my husband this, he is still alive, drinks every day and smokes at least 1 pack and a half a day, again it's not as if I wish he would die instead of my husband but that's what is so unfair about all of this is my husband took such good care of himself worked out everyday we always watched what we ate, never smoked, didnt drink except on birthdays and even then it was one not a whole 12 pack and here this guy is not having a care in the world and he's still here. Why did my husband have to go? Why couldn't he be one of those people who miraculously get healed. I just don't get it...

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Mrsviden---We'll never understand life and how it all works.  Your husband didn't leave you because he didn't love you. He didn't leave because you didn't do enough. It was his physical body that gave up. He couldn't help it. The physical body is very fragile, vulnerable. Succumbs to diseases and illnesses, accidents. It is just a shell, a form that we need to exist on earth. This shell houses our spirit, our personality. Our spirit and personality leave the physical body when it dies and goes to a different dimension. A different journey. This life we have here on earth is just a tiny part of our total journey in order to live in eternity. Your husband is still here, just in spirit form, loving you and watching over you.

I'm not trying to push my belief system onto you. This is just what I tell myself to get through this loneliness.

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4 hours ago, KMB said:

Mrsviden---We'll never understand life and how it all works.  Your husband didn't leave you because he didn't love you. He didn't leave because you didn't do enough. It was his physical body that gave up. He couldn't help it. The physical body is very fragile, vulnerable. Succumbs to diseases and illnesses, accidents. It is just a shell, a form that we need to exist on earth. This shell houses our spirit, our personality. Our spirit and personality leave the physical body when it dies and goes to a different dimension. A different journey. This life we have here on earth is just a tiny part of our total journey in order to live in eternity. Your husband is still here, just in spirit form, loving you and watching over you.

I'm not trying to push my belief system onto you. This is just what I tell myself to get through this loneliness.

Thank you KMB, it's not my religious beliefs that keep me from believing his is with me, it's me believing that he still loves me, is proud of me, and wishes he were still here with me. That's what's hard. 

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Mrsviden---You have to believe your husband still loves you. He loved you when he was here. Love never dies. Love is the meaning of life. To love and be loved. The most important emotion we carry within us, be it here or in Heaven. He IS proud of you. Life here is not easy. He sees you from Heaven and knows how hard this life is for you without him. And I'm sure they wish they could be with us. For whatever reasons, their time here was done. When our time is done here, we'll all be reunited again in Heaven.

I know how hard this is for you. It's hard for all of us. We have to keep putting one foot in front of the other, day by day.We have no choice. Our loved ones would be doing the same if things were reversed. (HUGS)

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