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Mrsviden

I just don't know...

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Mrsviden   
1 hour ago, KayC said:

MrsViden,

I don't get it...doesn't stuff usually pass to the SPOUSE?  How can they begin to fight you for anything?!  Even without a will it should go to you!  It sounds like they're trying to bully you while you're down to get financial gain!

They have said his truck could become theirs, our house, everything that isn't in my name they have threatened to fight me for. I will never understand why people act the way they do when someone dies. True colors come out, and the saddest part is it's usually family that does it. 

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Mrsviden, that sister sounds like a disgusting human being.
If I were you I wouldn't really communicate with any of them. My anger would destroy me I think.
I am not that close with my relatives, but I know they would never act like this.
I do wonder why people act the way they do, and I'd like to keep an open mind as I'm always like well who I am to judge. but why waste time thinking about them when their behavior is so repulsive?
It is nice to know you're a sensitive person, doesn't sound like there are many of them out there.
Family isn't family if they aren't treating one another as such. Blood alone is insufficient..
It sounds like we all experience guilt, I'm sorry you're hurting. I don't think we are to blame though, we tried the best we could.
I hope you can find good people some day.

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by the way i doubt if this is even normal behavior when someone dies.... what you're describing is heartless people

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fzald   

I've seen some awfully ugly estate battles in the past. It should default to the spouse, but sometimes other people get their mitts in the middle of things and contest things, and, like you said, basically hit you while you're down. You can fight it and you would likely win, but how much strength do you have to draw out a long legal battle when you're grieving? I think some selfish people even know that and take advantage of it. It's pathetic.

It is so sad that people have to become so selfish in the face of death. We hear about the big high-profile cases of narcissistic criminals and such, but I think there's a lot more narcissism in the world than we acknowledge. Honestly I think our culture even encourages it. I remember stories of people getting married in their late teens and living a happy fulfilling life. Nowadays anyone who does meet someone young and stays with them is told they "missed out" on things. I've even heard people suggest that "only having sex with one person in your lifetime means you missed out on the experiences that a variety could have given you." I want to shake my head and just go "huh?" 

I also read a statistic that at least half of undergraduate college graduates move back in with their parents following school. People try to blame it on the economy, and i'm not going to say that isn't playing a part, but I also believe a lot of it is just laziness! I could go get my own apartment, pay rent, work a job, do chores, and manage my household, or I could go live with my parents, work an easier job, have my parents feed me and buy my supplies and do my laundry... And then you have the helicopter parents who actually WANT things this way. 

Sometimes when I look at the world around me I'm glad that life isn't very long. Would I really want to live in this depressing world, especially now without my soulmate? I wish for a short life, I don't want to face the ugly truths of this world any longer than I have to. Bad things in this world were tolerable and bearable with my soulmate by my side. But without her? Nothing in this world makes any sense now. There's no point in putting up with things anymore.

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Those high profile cases really anger me but I agree that there's more narcissism than we acknowledge.
I also feel glad about finally dying one day. I would've been upset before, that I would just disappear. but now I don't care.
I do want to find some degree of purpose so every day doesn't feel so slow though.
Will see.

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fzald   
1 hour ago, new133 said:

Family isn't family if they aren't treating one another as such. Blood alone is insufficient..

My girlfriend herself struggled with this. Her family sometimes would treat her terribly, so disrespectfully and hurtfully. She would cry about it. She would be angry. I would support her. And then she would rationalize. She would do that "but my mom just cares about me" thing.

Family isn't just blood. Family is a bond between people. If you are going to act like you have no respect for someone, blood isn't enough to keep you together. Conversely, if you love someone and care for them like family, they are family. Even though my girlfriend and I weren't married, to me she was family. I loved her like I'd love any member of my own family. If we'd gotten married, we would have "legally" been family, but emotionally we already were family. Even my closest friends to me are "family'.

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Marcel   

Dealing with your partners estate is horrible because you don't have it on your mind to do all the paperwork and usually noone has deeper knowledge of the legal traps involved. Though I bought the house it was also in my wife's name. We made a mistake and had my stepdaughter reject her half of the estate because we thought then it would fall to me. But the law is different, suddenly my wife's father and her brother were legally in line for half of her estate.
Luckily they helped us straighten it out with a lawyer and get it back to my stepdaughter. I'm sorry that your husband's familiy is so different. This is really not the kind of worries you should have right now. I think getting a lawyer is necessary. Don't try to fight it alone.

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Mrsviden   
1 hour ago, new133 said:

by the way i doubt if this is even normal behavior when someone dies.... what you're describing is heartless people

I'm afraid you have no idea how much hurt they have caused me. I'm fairly young so I'm not that experienced in heartless people but now I know. I haven't spoken to her since she said I caused my husband to die of a broken heart, and for what? Because I allowed him to have visitors who she didn't approve of. The visitors were guys from his office that informed me the insurance policies he had were not correct. The guy in particular that called me has a history of flirting with me and before we were leaving the hospital he helped me load some bags into my SUV. She called and found out and took that and turned it into I was going to take all the life insurance money and me and this guy were going to live happily ever after. She said I was going to give his Harley to him and let him drive Joes truck. 

How absurd is that when before she found out that she wasn't on life insurance policies I was the best sister in law and wife she could've ever asked for her brother? How absurd is it that she wouldn't even come down to see her dying brother when she was asked to not only by me and my husband but by doctors and nurses? How absurd is it that she cant even show up to pay respects to her brother? All of this, is guilt I carry on a daily basis. 

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Mrsviden   
16 minutes ago, Marcel said:

Dealing with your partners estate is horrible because you don't have it on your mind to do all the paperwork and usually noone has deeper knowledge of the legal traps involved. Though I bought the house it was also in my wife's name. We made a mistake and had my stepdaughter reject her half of the estate because we thought then it would fall to me. But the law is different, suddenly my wife's father and her brother were legally in line for half of her estate.
Luckily they helped us straighten it out with a lawyer and get it back to my stepdaughter. I'm sorry that your husband's familiy is so different. This is really not the kind of worries you should have right now. I think getting a lawyer is necessary. Don't try to fight it alone.

Dealing with legal issues is so much harder when you aren't mentally or emotionally stable for all that. It hurts because as I mentioned that I'm very sensitive, I have not only lost my husband, but I've lost people who I thought were my family. 

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fzald   

Mrsviden,

You're right, we don't know just how much it hurts, but some of us do have at least an idea. Some of us have had to face either desertment or outright cruelty from other people following someone's death. 

His sister sounds like she's just being selfish and cruel. Maybe she is grieving herself and has decided for whatever reason that this is "easy" for you, and is resenting that. It is absurd for her to think that you would just move on and find someone else. Her accusations have no basis and are just her being selfish. Maybe she is hurting herself, but that does not excuse her behavior. It is also so wrong that she doesn't even recognize or care how much it hurts you to hear such horrible things. 

Death does have a way of ripping open our hearts and exposing the most raw of emotions. When people are alive and everything makes sense and is normal, it's easy to "control" yourself, it's easy to think positively about things. When death comes, and the finality truly sets in, nothing makes any sense. Some people react to things being out of control by withdrawing from life, others react by throwing themselves into things to desperately try to gain some control back, but still others respond by lashing out at the world and everyone in it, becoming immediately jealous and hateful towards others who they perceive as not having as much pain as they are, even if it's not true. 

If there is an actual threat of trouble for you with regards to the estate, you definitely should try to seek out some legal help. You need all the support you can get at this time, you're hurting, your emotions are all over the place and you could be easily manipulated by someone who is out to get you. Having a lawyer or another legal advocate to help keep things under control for you would be helpful. 

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Mrsviden   
50 minutes ago, fzald said:

Mrsviden,

You're right, we don't know just how much it hurts, but some of us do have at least an idea. Some of us have had to face either desertment or outright cruelty from other people following someone's death. 

His sister sounds like she's just being selfish and cruel. Maybe she is grieving herself and has decided for whatever reason that this is "easy" for you, and is resenting that. It is absurd for her to think that you would just move on and find someone else. Her accusations have no basis and are just her being selfish. Maybe she is hurting herself, but that does not excuse her behavior. It is also so wrong that she doesn't even recognize or care how much it hurts you to hear such horrible things. 

Death does have a way of ripping open our hearts and exposing the most raw of emotions. When people are alive and everything makes sense and is normal, it's easy to "control" yourself, it's easy to think positively about things. When death comes, and the finality truly sets in, nothing makes any sense. Some people react to things being out of control by withdrawing from life, others react by throwing themselves into things to desperately try to gain some control back, but still others respond by lashing out at the world and everyone in it, becoming immediately jealous and hateful towards others who they perceive as not having as much pain as they are, even if it's not true. 

If there is an actual threat of trouble for you with regards to the estate, you definitely should try to seek out some legal help. You need all the support you can get at this time, you're hurting, your emotions are all over the place and you could be easily manipulated by someone who is out to get you. Having a lawyer or another legal advocate to help keep things under control for you would be helpful. 

Fzald: 

i didn't mean for that to come off as rude when I said you have no idea the hurt she has caused me. I find it very hard to believe she is grieving, you don't accept money from your brother life insurance and not accept the personal belongings. You don't accept money and not show up to the funeral. If you have any type of heart you don't threaten a lawsuit against your brothers wife because everything wasn't left to you. she has no idea if I'm taking it hard or easy because she doesn't call, we do not talk. If you had a heart you would reach out to your brothers wife. 

Shes not the only one that has to face reality, reality is I just lost my husband, my best friend of 12 years. I had to pick out the songs to play at his viewing for the slideshow, I had to deal with picking out his casket, all at the same time of realizing I had just lost the love of my life. None of that was easy, however she's not the one who told me I would move on, that was a former friend. I'm not going to sit around and think I deserved to be called the awful names I was called because her brother died. My husband died and I'm not calling people up left and right offending them. 

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KayC   

I would see an estate attorney, I seriously doubt they have a leg to stand on, I think they're calling your bluff.  :angry:

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KMB   

Mrsviden---------My heart is with you at this insensitive and hardship filled time for you. I would feel that wherever you live, the spousal laws would have to be the same. You would naturally inherit all of your husband's assets, accounts, etc., unless he had something legally specified. His sister or whomever is not entitled to anything except whatever you give from the kindness of your heart. She would have to have thousands of dollars to throw away on legal fees to attempt a lawsuit. Hang onto what you can and what you feel deep in your heart your husband would want for you. Hang in there.

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fzald   

Mrsviden,

I wasn't implying that you were being rude to come off that way. I do understand how you feel, people being so insensitive at times like this. It does sound like your husband's sister truly is just being selfish. I mean, grieving does come out in some weird ways sometimes, including anger and hatred and blaming others, but her behavior is completely unacceptable. You are right, she may be dealing with losing a family member, but YOU lost your husband, YOU lost your soulmate and your life companion. IT sounds like she didn't even want to see him anyway when he was still alive, so it is obvious you were far closer to him. Your grief is your own, it is unique to you, and the depth of your relationship is something only you know and only you feel. 

I agree with the others, don't let her bring you down, and consult with a lawyer if she keeps threatening. She certainly isn't going to be able to walk into your house and start taking things. As for money and other things like that, she will legally be allowed to collect what is hers by the terms of the policies, but she would, as others have said, have a serious uphill battle in trying to claim more than her rightful share. Her accusations that you "caused" his death mean nothing legally without solid evidence to support those statements, of which she has none. The facts of his death are clear, obvious and provable from medical records. She is only trying to scare and intimidate you and take advantage of your grief. Don't let her do it.

I'm so sorry you have to deal with all of this along with your grief. Grief alone is enough for any human being to have to handle, it's often too much even for strong-willed people. For someone to add more stress and pain to your plate is just unfair and selfish. 

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I am in complete agreement, I have no idea what kind of pain they have caused you, but having been through the few experiences I've had I feel extremely sad and angry for the kind of BS people have to deal with on a daily basis. I'm also young, but I guess I'm a bit paranoid because I don't initially trust people so I don't have to be let down. But I can also be really open to some people so it depends.
I'm sorry that YOU feel guilty when it is they who should be feeling the guilt, you know sometimes I feel so bad for what my grandmother went through that I think I'm feeling guilty but I don't even know what that feeling is. I cared so much for her that I get depressed just thinking about her suffering. But it feels like guilt. or at least it feels like something horrible that just continually eats away at me. I just don't think it's fair for us to go through that over and over and not have any form of relief.. Sometimes I get tired to the point where I experience numbness as opposed to any happiness or sadness or anything at all really. I imagine there will be more days like those.
I am sorry for you and me and for everyone going through this repeatedly.
From what you describe I don't know if she's a horrible person, immature, or something else entirely. ...
Try not to let those people bother you (obviously that's hard) but clearly they have major issues.
You lost everything and it's not as if you're taking it out on OTHER people.
I don't understand them. I don't think I want to. I don't want to imagine what their thought process is like and end up having to absorb it. Maybe there is no need for you to reach out to her anymore... don't have her influence around if that's possible..

 

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Mrsviden   
3 hours ago, KMB said:

Mrsviden---------My heart is with you at this insensitive and hardship filled time for you. I would feel that wherever you live, the spousal laws would have to be the same. You would naturally inherit all of your husband's assets, accounts, etc., unless he had something legally specified. His sister or whomever is not entitled to anything except whatever you give from the kindness of your heart. She would have to have thousands of dollars to throw away on legal fees to attempt a lawsuit. Hang onto what you can and what you feel deep in your heart your husband would want for you. Hang in there.

They won a lawsuit a couple years back that got them loads of money to throw away. Based off of survivalist rights I legally get everything, I personally don't believe they want anything of his, they just want to be ugly about the situation. 

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Mrsviden   
2 hours ago, fzald said:

Mrsviden,

I wasn't implying that you were being rude to come off that way. I do understand how you feel, people being so insensitive at times like this. It does sound like your husband's sister truly is just being selfish. I mean, grieving does come out in some weird ways sometimes, including anger and hatred and blaming others, but her behavior is completely unacceptable. You are right, she may be dealing with losing a family member, but YOU lost your husband, YOU lost your soulmate and your life companion. IT sounds like she didn't even want to see him anyway when he was still alive, so it is obvious you were far closer to him. Your grief is your own, it is unique to you, and the depth of your relationship is something only you know and only you feel. 

I agree with the others, don't let her bring you down, and consult with a lawyer if she keeps threatening. She certainly isn't going to be able to walk into your house and start taking things. As for money and other things like that, she will legally be allowed to collect what is hers by the terms of the policies, but she would, as others have said, have a serious uphill battle in trying to claim more than her rightful share. Her accusations that you "caused" his death mean nothing legally without solid evidence to support those statements, of which she has none. The facts of his death are clear, obvious and provable from medical records. She is only trying to scare and intimidate you and take advantage of your grief. Don't let her do it.

I'm so sorry you have to deal with all of this along with your grief. Grief alone is enough for any human being to have to handle, it's often too much even for strong-willed people. For someone to add more stress and pain to your plate is just unfair and selfish. 

And what is hers I have never tried to deny that fact. That is the way my husband wanted it and that's what it will be. From the moment he passed away it has been about respecting his wishes and that's all I've done. By her answering his question of "when you gonna come see me sis" by saying "I'm face timing you that's kind of the same thing" and when he passed away and I let her know and she said "yeah I figured he'd die as soon as he got home" all of this being said in such a cold hearted way shows you what kind of person im dealing with. My husband passed away from leukemia which he had for 10 years this is not something all of a sudden, this is something we thought we'd beat, but unfortunately we didn't and I'm left heartbroken. By her trying to scare or intimidate me I hate to say she has but she has, and that makes everything magnified. 

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Mrsviden   
3 hours ago, new133 said:

I am in complete agreement, I have no idea what kind of pain they have caused you, but having been through the few experiences I've had I feel extremely sad and angry for the kind of BS people have to deal with on a daily basis. I'm also young, but I guess I'm a bit paranoid because I don't initially trust people so I don't have to be let down. But I can also be really open to some people so it depends.
I'm sorry that YOU feel guilty when it is they who should be feeling the guilt, you know sometimes I feel so bad for what my grandmother went through that I think I'm feeling guilty but I don't even know what that feeling is. I cared so much for her that I get depressed just thinking about her suffering. But it feels like guilt. or at least it feels like something horrible that just continually eats away at me. I just don't think it's fair for us to go through that over and over and not have any form of relief.. Sometimes I get tired to the point where I experience numbness as opposed to any happiness or sadness or anything at all really. I imagine there will be more days like those.
I am sorry for you and me and for everyone going through this repeatedly.
From what you describe I don't know if she's a horrible person, immature, or something else entirely. ...
Try not to let those people bother you (obviously that's hard) but clearly they have major issues.
You lost everything and it's not as if you're taking it out on OTHER people.
I don't understand them. I don't think I want to. I don't want to imagine what their thought process is like and end up having to absorb it. Maybe there is no need for you to reach out to her anymore... don't have her influence around if that's possible..

 

After feeling very vulnerable and me thinking about it I reached out to her and just said I know that our last conversation didn't go the best, with careful thought and consideration I would like to reach out and have an adult conversation. I simply stated there are some things she doesn't know the full story on and that I still very much care about her and only want the best for her, and to let me know if she would like to talk. However she has read my message and chosen not to respond, so once again I feel as if I have stepped up to be the bigger person and I feel let down. My main concern and emotion is my husband being disappointed or mad at me. Then I think does he hate me now that he's gone. I miss him so much and I just don't know what I'm going to do without him. 

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fzald   

Mrsviden,

i'm still so sorry that you have to deal with someone like that. When my grandmother passed, my aunt became the executor of her will. Her will was very clear, what she wanted, but still my uncle (the father of my cousin I mentioned) felt it necessary to argue and try to fight for more. It became an ugly weekend. What was supposed to be a time to celebrate my grandmother's life and mourn her death instead turned into a screaming fight with tears and raspy voices all around. To me when something is plain and simple in the will, that's clearly the person's wishes. Although I suppose some people still feel somehow wronged. My grandmother's will basically split everything equally among her three children. My uncle (more his wife actually) tried to argue that since they had more children they should get more. Also tried to argue that since my mom and our family didn't live nearby that we "needed less" since we were obviously getting along fine without any of my grandmother's support. Such horrible selfish people. Seeing death as just a way to gain personally. It is heartbreaking that people have to deal with such selfish and inconsiderate behavior while they're also grieving. 

Ultimately my aunt (bless her heart) put her foot down and said no, we're going with what the will says. My uncle finally just gave up. They stopped hearing from him and his part of the family. That alone is still sad, but that may end up being what will have to happen with you and your husband's sister. It is clear that she really didn't care about him and was almost waiting for him to die so she could claim what she wanted. It's sad that it has to come out this way. Death has a way of revealing people's true colors and bringing deep secrets up to the surface. It's humbling in a way.

Life has so, so, so many parts to it, but every single one of those parts all goes away in an instant with death. A life with dreams, history, wishes, hopes, happy and sad memories, purpose, everything, all of that ceases to be for that person when they die. My girlfriend had so much personality, every day I think of yet another part of her that I miss. Her death wasn't just one death, it was thousands of little deaths of every single part of her existence and her being. Her body gave out and stopped working, and she was robbed of everything because of it. I still weep for her herself, for her loss. 

I do hope that your husband's sister is just trying to scare you. Don't let her. If it gets ugly as we've said contact a lawyer. But maybe she's just trying to scare you, and you not letting her scare you will hopefully make her just stop eventually. In the meantime keep doing the best you can on your own with your grief. Grief stinks, it's horrible. But it seems we have no choice now. I just still ache for you and your insensitive family. I'm so sorry.

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KMB   

Mrsviden----You are being the bigger person, so don't let this beat you down. You follow your husband's wishes. He is proud of you for standing up for not only yourself but for him and all that great love you two have. Love never dies.

I followed my husband's wishes, contrary to what a  shirt tail relative and a friend preferred. They haven't talked to me since and i don't care. My husband didn't care much for the shirt tail relative anyway.

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fzald   

Following their wishes is one way we can honor the ones we lost.

I still hurt that I was unable to help my girl fulfill her wishes. Her family took the reins the moment she passed and, since they deny our relationship, I had no role in the process. I do know that she would not approve of what did happen. 

For those of you who did get to follow their wishes even against the desires of others, I commend you. Some will try to say "they're dead, it doesn't matter." Maybe that's true, but it really is our duty to do our best to honor them. I'm sure the people who say they think we should dishonor someone's wishes would want THEIR wishes honored when their time comes.

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KMB   

fzald, My husband did not want a memorial service. I knew his wishes but he also had them placed in his will in case anyone decided to contest. The shirt tail relative considers himself a know it all and told me I was commiting a sin by not having a service.I told him the sin was his not visiting my husband very much when he was alive and dictating to me what my husband wanted for his own end of life affairs.

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Hello all, boy does this post resonate with me! This week, after finally having the courage to file for voluntary administration of Greg's estate, his estranged 25 year old daughter who lives 1500 miles away and knew of my plans for nearly two months, suddenly wants to get legal advice about the estate. So she's asking me to cancel my petition and wait around while she makes her decision. 

Folks, this girl was so estranged from the family, they didn't know she existed until I told them. After the divorce, Greg's ex took her to the Midwest, and during his drinking years he saw her a couple of times, but not since she was about 6. He told me the greatest regret of his life was not being a good father, and when I told the kid about it, she said not to say anything else about him.  No interest in him as a person, but very interested in what she might gain from his death. She's concerned about "committing herself and letting go of something" in terms of his estate. Not sure what that would be, as I've told her with funeral and medical bills alone, his estate will be insolvent. He wanted to get life insurance after the cancer diagnosis, to take care of ME, but of course he was uninsurable then. And if he'd avoided the hospital just one more day, we would have been married and the whole thing would be done by now. 

So I have a choice...cancel the petition and wait around for her, which is bad for me as I feel I should start trying to get something done so I might take a little step forward...or cancel the petition, send her everything I have related to the estate, and give the creditors her contact information so I can just be done with it. 

Insensitivity, ignorance, rudeness, selfishness, and above all, greed. I'm so sorry that so many of us have to carry the burden of dealing with people like this, when even the weight of our own limbs sometimes feels too heavy to lift out of bed in the morning. 

I shouldn't be surprised. After my years at the bank, witnessing firsthand how the vultures circle when someone dies, and how nasty things often get, I should have expected it.  This wide-eyed, bewildered girl, who looks so much like her father it tugs at my heart, now seems nothing more than a gold digger. 

My daughter said in her eyes, she's the daughter and I was just the girlfriend. In the eyes of the law, it is exactly that. Maybe it would be easier for me to let it go, so I've decided to give her the weekend, and take action on Monday if needed. 

When do things start getting a little easier?

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Mrsviden   
1 hour ago, His Monkey said:

 

When do things start getting a little easier?

His Monkey: 

first off I'm sorry you are having to deal with that mess. I wish I knew the answer to your question. I don't think it ever gets easier, I think we just learn to cope better. This is something we will live with forever. 

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Stonesie   

Mrsviden,  I'm pretty sure that would be the last conversation I'd have with that person.  People can be so stupid.  I had someone compare losing my husband to how it feels to lose a pet.  Not to belittle that grief, been there, and it hurts... but a husband of 24 years is a wee bit different.

Two months?  Sigh.  Moron.

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