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I just don't know...


Mrsviden

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Today I ran met up with an old friend and what I'm about to tell you will make sense why I haven't spoken to her in so long...

we met up she asked me the normal questions, how are you, what you been up to, things like that. I replied with I'm ok, been busy with college, not much of anything else. She mentioned how tired I looked and I said yeah well I don't sleep very much, my mind races at all times and quite frankly grieving is exhausting. What she said next was "or maybe you're just bipolar" she said I see your posts on Facebook. I decided to let it go because again maybe she didn't mean anything harsh by it. She then said Cody, it's been 2 months don't you think it's time to move on? 

TWO MONTHS PEOPLE! I will never stop grieving over my husband, I will never move on from the love we shared together.

She gets to go home to her husband every day and sleep next to him, she doesn't have to wait on signs to know her husband is with her or thinking of her or missing her. She doesn't know what it feels like to wake up every single day and feel like you can't move. I'm so sick and tired of us grievers having to give these people a pass, but I'm too exhausted and fragile to stand up to them. 

Im so tired of people saying they don't mean to hurt us when in fact they don't try their hardest not to. To say I may be bipolar because I'm not sleeping much..

Every day I have to tell myself that my husband isn't just on a business trip and will be home st the end of the week, he's not coming back and that thought is excruciating. 

Im tired of going out into public and I get hurt this way every time. I'm tired of being told to move on and be with someone to start a family with. I had a family and that was him now that is shattered. Those dreams of having children are shattered because I'll never see him be a daddy. Im tired of people talking to me or about my husband like he never existed. Im just so tired. 

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Cody,

Some people just say the 'dumbest' things.  You might want to think about relabeling her to maybe 'my former friend'.  People need to learn that their actions do affect other people and that they need to be careful what they say and do.  The ugliest thing that I have ever seen is a human being without compassion.  Sometimes you just need to distance yourself from people.  If they care about you, they'll notice; if they don't, you'll notice.

40 minutes ago, Mrsviden said:

Im tired of going out into public and I get hurt this way every time. I'm tired of being told to move on and be with someone to start a family with. I had a family and that was him now that is shattered. Those dreams of having children are shattered because I'll never see him be a daddy. Im tired of people talking to me or about my husband like he never existed. Im just so tired. 

You are going through enough and shouldn't be made to endure such comments.  I would say, (but I'm not suggesting you say this) "you know what, I think that was insensitive; I'd asked you to stop being 'stupid' without considering how incredibly difficult that might be for you'.   That was bad,  :angry: but so were her comments.

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Francine: 

its obviously just something I'm slowly figuring out about people really are, that everyone isn't caring. 

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JustExisting.

Mrsviden,

im so sorry to read your words. And I'm sorry as this is a fast reply I've not even found the forum to introduce myself yet, I've been searching for a good forum for days and your post came up.  Anyway I want to say hello.  I lost my husband of 32 years last week. He died very suddenly at work and I'm still watching and waiting for him to come home. I feel very alone as you must do too. I have people around me that are talking weddings and all things happy, which is fine and I'm not jealous I just wish people would be more sensitive. 

Just want to shut myself away with him, he was my best friend too.

Im tired of pretending all is ok.

, I feel very vulnerable   

i cannot believe my husband will not be coming home again. It feels as though he is away at the moment and next week I can talk to him and catch up with everything that's happened.

i understand your pain

sending a hug xxx

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Mrsviden,

I feel so horribly for you. What a horrible thing to say, to suggest you have a psychological disorder and then tell you that you should be over it by now???

I consider myself about 2 months into my loss. It's more like a month and a half but it was a good week between when I saw her last and when she passed, so I've decided for me the date my loss started was the last day I saw her. And I am absolutely nowhere near "over it". I never will be. I will not be over it in 3 months. I will not be over it in 6 months. I will not be over it in a year. I will NEVER be "over it". Ever.

I also know how you feel. Other people get to come home and see their partners every day. They still get to call them, text them, be with them, share the world with them, love them, be loved by them. They don't have to deal with this kind of pain. They don't have to wish and hope and pray for an afterlife, they have their Heaven right here on Earth. They don't have to go crazy wondering if that flickering light or random bird in the yard or  intense dream or suddenly misplaced item found is a sign from the one they love. They get to touch them, hold them, hug them, kiss them, make love to them, all of the things that we used to be able to do. I doubt this "friend" of yours would be reacting quite so crass if she herself lost her husband suddenly far too soon. 

Up until two months ago, this was me. I wasn't insensitive, but I didn't understand the true depth that grief can sink to. I had losses, yes, my best friend from childhood, my dad, my grandparents, my pets. But every major loss I suffered happened while I was in a good relationship. Many of them happened when I was with my girl who died. Having that pillar of support made grieving "easier". I had a source of unwavering and unconditional support. I had a source of reassurance for the future I wanted. My dad was older, so for him things like "he would have loved..." did help me, because I was able to, eventually and relatively quickly, realize that his life was complete, he was happy with the life he had lived, and while of course he wanted it to be for longer with my mom, he would not be missing a lost future, but would be celebrating a well lived life. But my girl, dying at the tender young age of 22? All I feel for her is sorrow, pain and loss. For her even more than for me. 

Like you I wanted to build a family with my girl. I wanted to marry her. I wanted to live life with her. I wanted to raise kids together. I wanted to grow old happy and in love. Everything was laid out for us, and it was so great. I would have given her anything. No matter what happens to me, she herself will never be mother to my children, she will never be my wife, she will never get to travel the world with me, she will never get to see my accomplishments and share hers with me. She is gone forever. Her loss is even greater than mine. I still have the option (but not the desire right now) to keep living that life we wanted. But I can't do it with her. But she lost the chance to even try. I cry for her even more than for me. How is it fair... not just to me, but to her?

I am so sorry you were treated so insensitively. We're not going to tell you what to do, but consider if you still want to be close to this person. You could say something if you wanted, but try your best not to take the low ground. Express your feelings and see what happens. Or do nothing. Only do what you can handle. Don't force anything. You are the one grieving, this has to be about what you need now. But also know we here do understand how you feel, and nobody here would ever say something like that to you. We all know the agony of grief, and we all know how painful it is to lose a soulmate. It's not OK, it will never be OK, and nobody should expect you to be OK especially after only two months. I may not be OK even by the time a year rolls around, how would I even be close to OK only after two months?

Good luck. Hugs

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14 minutes ago, JustExisting. said:

Mrsviden,

im so sorry to read your words. And I'm sorry as this is a fast reply I've not even found the forum to introduce myself yet, I've been searching for a good forum for days and your post came up.  Anyway I want to say hello.  I lost my husband of 32 years last week. He died very suddenly at work and I'm still watching and waiting for him to come home. I feel very alone as you must do too. I have people around me that are talking weddings and all things happy, which is fine and I'm not jealous I just wish people would be more sensitive. 

Just want to shut myself away with him, he was my best friend too.

Im tired of pretending all is ok.

, I feel very vulnerable   

i cannot believe my husband will not be coming home again. It feels as though he is away at the moment and next week I can talk to him and catch up with everything that's happened.

i understand your pain

sending a hug xxx

It is with deep heartache that I welcome you to this club. I hope you find it to be therapeutic for you and know that everyone on here is to help one another through the bad times as well as the good. I'm very sorry for your loss, my husband of 12 years passed away 2 months ago and most days it feels as if happened yesterday. 

I have a couple friends getting married soon and although I know it's a happy time for me it brings up the day I married my husband and just how happy we were and how much I wish we had gotten more time. Isn't that what we all wish for though? More time...

i still feel very vulnerable and it's been 2 months...

hugs and prayers to you

mrsviden

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JustAlone,

We all understand your pain. We know the feeling of heartbreak, of losing the one you love so deeply that they make even the worst parts of life worth living. I didn't even get the chance to get married because my girlfriend and I were waiting for the "right time", like when we got permanent jobs and had our finances in order. Now I wish more than anything I had tied that knot. 

But like you I have the feeling that it's a temporary state, that she will eventually come back and i'll have loads to tell her. I feel like someday we will go out to our favorite restaurant and we will sit there for hours until the manager makes us leave just talking and catching up. And then I remember it's never going to happen because she's gone forever from this world. 

We used to talk of death sometimes conceptually, like "what would you do, or how would you handle things, if you knew I was dying? Vice versa?" But neither of us expected it to be real. She died so suddenly, so young, so tragically. I had almost 6 wonderful years with her as her boyfriend, and I was ready for 60 more years as her life partner. Instead I got to go to her funeral and say my final goodbyes. The last time we spoke she said she'd see me next week. I did see her next week - in the casket, all life gone from her beautiful form. Nothing left. Only tears and emptiness.

Please do write out your story whenever you're ready. We're here to listen. None of us wants to be here. But here we are. We have no choice but to get through it. I guess we may as well do our best... 

hugs

 

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Fzald: 

when these people hurt me, I find it hard to actually say something just because I'm so hurt already. I find that I have no energy to stand up to them so I just shut down. 

I don't understand why we didn't get to have the 50,60 plus years together, why did we only have 12. Is there something else I could've done to help him? I'm thankful that we got 12 to make some amazing memories, but that simply wasn't enough time. We talked about building our dream home, retiring, moving outside of town and sitting on the porch swing just talking. There's so much I want to tell him face to face instead of me just talking and praying he is listening to me. 

I liked when you said she doesn't have to wonder if the suddenly misplaced item or bird in your yard is a sign, most of the time I tell myself no it's not, that it couldn't be. I hate the not knowing. I hate not knowing if he still loves me, or if he is proud of me. I just simply hate everything. I don't feel like it's fair for me to be 22 years old picking out the casket I want my husband to be in forever. When I really want him in our bed, in our house, I just want him with me again. 

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I hate that too. I get it all the time. Today, I posted on my husband's facebook just saying "I hate you!" And someone also tried to say something along those lines to me. I just told her it's none of her business and walked away. Or sometimes, I look at them like are you really stupid to say all of this. Give them a dirty look until they realize how much of a fool they were to say what they did. I snap at times. My eyes open wide and my voice gets louder. This way, they leave me alone. I only do this to the very ignorant ones though. 

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Mrsviden,

I hope if you ever see this person again that you will retort to them, "Boy, you really need educated!"  because that's what it boils down to, she's very ignorant.  Not sure I'd want a friend that bad, good grief!  That is so cruel and inhumane, I don't know how you sat through your time with her.

Grief does not equal Bipolar.  Grief does not need medicated, it needs processed, bourne, adjusted to, and learned to live with.  And even then it's damned hard!  If anyone doubts that, they should try it!  People never cease to amaze me, guess that's why I got a dog, they don't say stupid things, they just come up to you and look concerned or give you a kiss or distract you with their antics.  People...

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12 hours ago, JustExisting. said:

Mrsviden,

im so sorry to read your words. And I'm sorry as this is a fast reply I've not even found the forum to introduce myself yet, I've been searching for a good forum for days and your post came up.  Anyway I want to say hello.  I lost my husband of 32 years last week. He died very suddenly at work and I'm still watching and waiting for him to come home. I feel very alone as you must do too. I have people around me that are talking weddings and all things happy, which is fine and I'm not jealous I just wish people would be more sensitive. 

Just want to shut myself away with him, he was my best friend too.

Im tired of pretending all is ok.

, I feel very vulnerable   

i cannot believe my husband will not be coming home again. It feels as though he is away at the moment and next week I can talk to him and catch up with everything that's happened.

i understand your pain

sending a hug xxx

Hello JustExisting

I'm so sorry to have read about your devastating loss, to be able to find the strength to post after such a shocking and traumatic time is truly remarkable.  I lost my Husband 22 weeks ago, it was anticipated but sudden and even now I cannot process things or comprehend this is happening.  I keep thinking this is only a temporary measure although logic says it isn't.  If you feel you ay need counselling further down the line put your name forward for CRUSE one-to-one.  They won't see you for a while and you may not even need it but it's an option in the future.  I belong to two forums, the other being The Sue Ryder online community UK and although ultimately we have this to do on our own it does help to know others have and do endure similar pain as us and yet manage to cope somehow.  Don't take on anything that's not essential and just get by as best you can.  I'm sorry I cannot be more positive but I do send warmest regards and heartfelt empathy.

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KayC: 

honestly, I couldn't even tell you. I drove over two hours to see her and then that's how she treated me. So then I had two hours to drive home and think how if joe was here I would've never came over here, I would be at home fixing supper, waiting on him to walk through the door. If joe was here he'd say "don't worry about them baby, you've got me" 

people that say these hurtful things don't realize how losing your spouse changes you. Before my husband died I cleaned all day everyday never had anything left out, now there's cabinet doors open, clothes on the floor, clothes in the dryer, floors need to be mopped, and the sad part about it is I don't even care that this stuff needs to be done I look at this mess and think of how different I really am now. I just miss my husband, I miss my best friend, and it's not fair people can say these things and have no remorse. 

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It changes how we view things.  Somehow a clean house doesn't seem as important as it used to...in the grand scheme of things we think, what does it matter?  Not to mention the lack of motivation and feeling depressed (which isn't to be confused with chemical imbalanced based depression).  Grief is exhausting!  I'm just sorry your "friend" was so inappropriate in her response to you.

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Mrsviden,

I am really starting to feel badly about some of our early conversations.  I never meant to imply that you have to put up with this kind of behavior, that you always need to turn the other cheek, or that you have to give people a pass.  I frequently do because that helps me in my grief, or more accurately, because of some of my anger issues a confrontation would not help me.  It may not be the same for you.  Further, some of the comments you have relayed are beyond the normal.  Even with my philosophy on it, I think I would have taken issue with some of those you have told us about, and may have told the people in question that what they said was hurtful, wrong, and rude beyond words.

If there are personal attacks such as saying you have a mental illness, or even telling you how you are supposed to grieve such as with "you need to move on", you are perfectly justified in telling them to go fly a kite, and not necessarily in terms as friendly as that.  I choose to view such individuals as being emotionally handicapped.  They are unaware of how hurtful what they are saying is.  As a result, the words honestly don't bother me in most cases.  If the words bother you, and you want to tell them so, there is nothing wrong with that.  We are all going through more than enough, and don't need continued emotional abuse from "friends" who haven't actually put forth the effort to truly understand the emotional distress we are in.  I am sorry if anything I said influenced your decision with these people negatively, and hope you find some true compassion from them in the near future,

Herc

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1 hour ago, KayC said:

It changes how we view things.  Somehow a clean house doesn't seem as important as it used to...in the grand scheme of things we think, what does it matter?  Not to mention the lack of motivation and feeling depressed (which isn't to be confused with chemical imbalanced based depression).  Grief is exhausting!  I'm just sorry your "friend" was so inappropriate in her response to you.

Thank you for understanding, no one is here but me so I look at it as why clean when it's just me. Maybe someday I'll get that part of me back. 

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19 minutes ago, Herc said:

Mrsviden,

I am really starting to feel badly about some of our early conversations.  I never meant to imply that you have to put up with this kind of behavior, that you always need to turn the other cheek, or that you have to give people a pass.  I frequently do because that helps me in my grief, or more accurately, because of some of my anger issues a confrontation would not help me.  It may not be the same for you.  Further, some of the comments you have relayed are beyond the normal.  Even with my philosophy on it, I think I would have taken issue with some of those you have told us about, and may have told the people in question that what they said was hurtful, wrong, and rude beyond words.

If there are personal attacks such as saying you have a mental illness, or even telling you how you are supposed to grieve such as with "you need to move on", you are perfectly justified in telling them to go fly a kite, and not necessarily in terms as friendly as that.  I choose to view such individuals as being emotionally handicapped.  They are unaware of how hurtful what they are saying is.  As a result, the words honestly don't bother me in most cases.  If the words bother you, and you want to tell them so, there is nothing wrong with that.  We are all going through more than enough, and don't need continued emotional abuse from "friends" who haven't actually put forth the effort to truly understand the emotional distress we are in.  I am sorry if anything I said influenced your decision with these people negatively, and hope you find some true compassion from them in the near future,

Herc

Nothing you said influenced my decision to not stand up. I feel as if I'm scared to stand up because I don't want to hurt their feelings although they hurt mine, does that make any sense at all? Another reason is I have no energy and it's just easier to roll your eyes and not say anything. But it hurts so much when I really sit down and think about it. 

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Mrsviden,

It makes perfect sense, and I am so sorry you are hurting more.  I'm glad I didn't influence you that way.  Hoping you find friends who give you warm hugs instead of cold words,

(((hug))) Herc

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17 minutes ago, Herc said:

Mrsviden,

It makes perfect sense, and I am so sorry you are hurting more.  I'm glad I didn't influence you that way.  Hoping you find friends who give you warm hugs instead of cold words,

(((hug))) Herc

Thank you Herc 

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Mrsviden----Sending a huge HUG your way.

I've been going through some sad times and have done my share of ranting today. In fact, I was very tempted to make up a sign to put out at the end of the driveway. *To all of you neighbors who used to stop in here, when you do your drivebys, please refrain from staring at the house. If you cannot find it in your heart to pull in and have a chat like we used to, keep your eyes on the road ahead*.

If it was possible for our loved ones to return, my husband would be extremely upset/angry at how our so-called friends, neighbors and his own children have been so neglectful of me. I know for a fact that he told his own son that if something did happen, to come over, keep me company, ask if I need anything. His son lives next door. he comes over for 10 minutes every other month. It is an obligatory visit and I'm thankful for that little bit.  I'm emotionally and mentally wrung out. I could push for more interaction, but I don't want people to think they are being forced into it. If they cannot give of themselves, so be it.

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42 minutes ago, KMB said:

Mrsviden----Sending a huge HUG your way.

I've been going through some sad times and have done my share of ranting today. In fact, I was very tempted to make up a sign to put out at the end of the driveway. *To all of you neighbors who used to stop in here, when you do your drivebys, please refrain from staring at the house. If you cannot find it in your heart to pull in and have a chat like we used to, keep your eyes on the road ahead*.

If it was possible for our loved ones to return, my husband would be extremely upset/angry at how our so-called friends, neighbors and his own children have been so neglectful of me. I know for a fact that he told his own son that if something did happen, to come over, keep me company, ask if I need anything. His son lives next door. he comes over for 10 minutes every other month. It is an obligatory visit and I'm thankful for that little bit.  I'm emotionally and mentally wrung out. I could push for more interaction, but I don't want people to think they are being forced into it. If they cannot give of themselves, so be it.

My heart absolutely breaks for you. I would want to put the sign in my front yard too, make it like billboard size!!!  I too believe if my husband were to come back he would be furious to how his family has not only treated him but me, his wife. Four days before my husband passed he tried calling his sister who didn't want to talk to him, one because she wasn't on the 401k paper work and two because I allowed him to have visitors from work. She didn't return his phone calls, and the last time he spoke to her was FaceTime and he said sis when you coming see me and she said well I don't have to really I can see you this way and that's kind of the same thing. When I called her to let her know her brother passed away she said yeah I figured he'd die as soon as he got home, and she said just so you know he didn't die of leukemia it was because of a broken heart because your such a b****. And that was the last time I ever heard from her. 

After the insurance and stuff was sorted out we found out he did have her on half of a life insurance policy so the funeral home tried calling her she wouldn't return their calls. In the meantime I sent all of his sisters folders from the funeral and some other personal items from the funeral and viewing, the sister who called me a b**** refused my package, so out of anger I sent her a text saying that the package she just rejected was some things from her brothers funeral and that call she keeps getting is to let her know she is on an insurance policy. 

Low and behold she returned the package and called the funeral home demanding information on how to get the half of the insurance policy. 

None of his family showed up, they claimed I made the arrangements too soon, he passed away Sunday, the viewing was Tuesday and the funeral was Wednesday. One lives in Florida, one lives in Mississippi, the other in Minnesota. Now if it were my brother I would've already been down here before his passing if not for sure getting in my car and driving on Sunday because they were all informed Sunday morning before 8 am. 

Sorry this is really long I just need to vent.. 

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Mrsviden,

Oh my gosh, and she's calling YOU names? How insensitive. She's basically blaming you for his death, and then oh, now that there's MONEY she'll get involved, but she STILL won't speak to you or even be civil to you? That goes far beyond people having trouble dealing with grief. That's just pure bad behavior, insensitivity, selfishness in the worst way. I am so sorry you have to deal with that. I have always been appalled at how deaths and other tragedies can bring out the absolute worst in people.

When my grandmother died we found out she had an IRA account for both me and my cousin, her only two grandchildren. I kept my account, it matures this year. My cousin immediately withdrew the account when she got access to it, ended up with far less than she could have had if she'd just waited, and my aunt told me she heard she spent the money on drugs. When we had gone to my grandma's house (she lived out in NYC) for the funeral, my cousin showed up and started claiming things that "Grandma would have wanted her to have." Luckily my aunt (not her mom) was there and stopped her from taking anything that was precious to our family. We assume the things she did make off with got sold for more drug money. She has not spoken to any of us for any length of time since the funeral, which was 5 years ago.

I think about how some people can be so cruel. I think about how my girlfriend was the complete opposite of that. She was the kindest person in the world. I mean sure she had her days where she got angry and would lash out. I'm guilty of the same at times, and it's something we actually worked together on a lot. But she was kind. She cared so deeply. She would never say a harsh word to someone in pain or in need. She would go out of her way to help those who were in need, even when those people would hurt her feelings in return. Many times I was there to comfort her when someone she had gone way out of the way to be there for stabbed her in the back in some way, but even though all of that she continued to be such a kind, gentle, loving, giving soul. Why did SHE have to die? She is what the world needs more of. People who love and care with all of their being, even in their worst moments. Why her? 

I like to feel like we were each other's fuel of life. When friends or family knocked her down and made her cry, I would comfort her. When life gave me lemons, she made lemonade for me and added a little extra sugar. We were complementary, supportive of each other when things were bad, and it let us both shine our brightest to the rest of the world. Now I have lost her, and I can't shine for myself let alone for others. I exist, but I don't live, and I know she would be disappointed to see that, but I can't be OK. It's been barely 2 months, and I am still not coping well at all. 

I miss you, my love. I need you now more than ever, and you can't be here, and you never will be able to be here. I wish I could take the strength within me that i used to help you when you were sad, and use it to help myself, but it doesn't seem like it works that way. If the next life is truly one of pure happiness, then I know you don't need that support from me anymore, but I still need it from you. I wish you could be here, because as "harsh" as this world can be, you and I would have made it through anything together. I don't know how to make it through a single day without you. I miss you, I love you. I hope you haven't forgotten me and know how deeply I miss you. Please wait for me. Someday I will be on the other side too, someday I will find you. Please wait for me.

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1 hour ago, fzald said:

I miss you, my love. I need you now more than ever, and you can't be here, and you never will be able to be here. I wish I could take the strength within me that i used to help you when you were sad, and use it to help myself, but it doesn't seem like it works that way. If the next life is truly one of pure happiness, then I know you don't need that support from me anymore, but I still need it from you. I wish you could be here, because as "harsh" as this world can be, you and I would have made it through anything together. I don't know how to make it through a single day without you. I miss you, I love you. I hope you haven't forgotten me and know how deeply I miss you. Please wait for me. Someday I will be on the other side too, someday I will find you. Please wait for me.

fzald-----Heartwrenching. This is similar to how I write letters to my husband every night.

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2 hours ago, fzald said:

Mrsviden,

Oh my gosh, and she's calling YOU names? How insensitive. She's basically blaming you for his death, and then oh, now that there's MONEY she'll get involved, but she STILL won't speak to you or even be civil to you? That goes far beyond people having trouble dealing with grief. That's just pure bad behavior, insensitivity, selfishness in the worst way. I am so sorry you have to deal with that. I have always been appalled at how deaths and other tragedies can bring out the absolute worst in people.

When my grandmother died we found out she had an IRA account for both me and my cousin, her only two grandchildren. I kept my account, it matures this year. My cousin immediately withdrew the account when she got access to it, ended up with far less than she could have had if she'd just waited, and my aunt told me she heard she spent the money on drugs. When we had gone to my grandma's house (she lived out in NYC) for the funeral, my cousin showed up and started claiming things that "Grandma would have wanted her to have." Luckily my aunt (not her mom) was there and stopped her from taking anything that was precious to our family. We assume the things she did make off with got sold for more drug money. She has not spoken to any of us for any length of time since the funeral, which was 5 years ago.

I think about how some people can be so cruel. I think about how my girlfriend was the complete opposite of that. She was the kindest person in the world. I mean sure she had her days where she got angry and would lash out. I'm guilty of the same at times, and it's something we actually worked together on a lot. But she was kind. She cared so deeply. She would never say a harsh word to someone in pain or in need. She would go out of her way to help those who were in need, even when those people would hurt her feelings in return. Many times I was there to comfort her when someone she had gone way out of the way to be there for stabbed her in the back in some way, but even though all of that she continued to be such a kind, gentle, loving, giving soul. Why did SHE have to die? She is what the world needs more of. People who love and care with all of their being, even in their worst moments. Why her? 

I like to feel like we were each other's fuel of life. When friends or family knocked her down and made her cry, I would comfort her. When life gave me lemons, she made lemonade for me and added a little extra sugar. We were complementary, supportive of each other when things were bad, and it let us both shine our brightest to the rest of the world. Now I have lost her, and I can't shine for myself let alone for others. I exist, but I don't live, and I know she would be disappointed to see that, but I can't be OK. It's been barely 2 months, and I am still not coping well at all. 

I miss you, my love. I need you now more than ever, and you can't be here, and you never will be able to be here. I wish I could take the strength within me that i used to help you when you were sad, and use it to help myself, but it doesn't seem like it works that way. If the next life is truly one of pure happiness, then I know you don't need that support from me anymore, but I still need it from you. I wish you could be here, because as "harsh" as this world can be, you and I would have made it through anything together. I don't know how to make it through a single day without you. I miss you, I love you. I hope you haven't forgotten me and know how deeply I miss you. Please wait for me. Someday I will be on the other side too, someday I will find you. Please wait for me.

That letter is beautiful, & yep I haven't spoke to any of his family they haven't called/texted to see how I'm doing or anything. Before money was mentioned and we found out that my husband was towards the end I was the best wife out there in their eyes, i talked to my sister in law at least 5 times a day and then suddenly money changed them in an instant and her exact words were if I wanted to fight you for my brothers stuff I've got a damn good lawyer and we will win. I will for the life of me never understand why people act the way they do when death is involved but they do. I'm a very sensitive and caring person, for her to blame me for my husbands death has stuck with me since that day. Although leukemia was the cause because of those words I wonder if I am, I wonder if my husband thinks I am, I wonder if he even loves me anymore. Now my husbands gone, I have no reassurance, no true friends to lean on, and I'm just absolutely heartbroken 

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16 hours ago, KMB said:

*To all of you neighbors who used to stop in here, when you do your drivebys, please refrain from staring at the house. If you cannot find it in your heart to pull in and have a chat like we used to, keep your eyes on the road ahead*.

Maybe just put a sign out that says "OPEN FOR COFFEE"...

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MrsViden,

I don't get it...doesn't stuff usually pass to the SPOUSE?  How can they begin to fight you for anything?!  Even without a will it should go to you!  It sounds like they're trying to bully you while you're down to get financial gain!

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1 hour ago, KayC said:

MrsViden,

I don't get it...doesn't stuff usually pass to the SPOUSE?  How can they begin to fight you for anything?!  Even without a will it should go to you!  It sounds like they're trying to bully you while you're down to get financial gain!

They have said his truck could become theirs, our house, everything that isn't in my name they have threatened to fight me for. I will never understand why people act the way they do when someone dies. True colors come out, and the saddest part is it's usually family that does it. 

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Mrsviden, that sister sounds like a disgusting human being.
If I were you I wouldn't really communicate with any of them. My anger would destroy me I think.
I am not that close with my relatives, but I know they would never act like this.
I do wonder why people act the way they do, and I'd like to keep an open mind as I'm always like well who I am to judge. but why waste time thinking about them when their behavior is so repulsive?
It is nice to know you're a sensitive person, doesn't sound like there are many of them out there.
Family isn't family if they aren't treating one another as such. Blood alone is insufficient..
It sounds like we all experience guilt, I'm sorry you're hurting. I don't think we are to blame though, we tried the best we could.
I hope you can find good people some day.

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I've seen some awfully ugly estate battles in the past. It should default to the spouse, but sometimes other people get their mitts in the middle of things and contest things, and, like you said, basically hit you while you're down. You can fight it and you would likely win, but how much strength do you have to draw out a long legal battle when you're grieving? I think some selfish people even know that and take advantage of it. It's pathetic.

It is so sad that people have to become so selfish in the face of death. We hear about the big high-profile cases of narcissistic criminals and such, but I think there's a lot more narcissism in the world than we acknowledge. Honestly I think our culture even encourages it. I remember stories of people getting married in their late teens and living a happy fulfilling life. Nowadays anyone who does meet someone young and stays with them is told they "missed out" on things. I've even heard people suggest that "only having sex with one person in your lifetime means you missed out on the experiences that a variety could have given you." I want to shake my head and just go "huh?" 

I also read a statistic that at least half of undergraduate college graduates move back in with their parents following school. People try to blame it on the economy, and i'm not going to say that isn't playing a part, but I also believe a lot of it is just laziness! I could go get my own apartment, pay rent, work a job, do chores, and manage my household, or I could go live with my parents, work an easier job, have my parents feed me and buy my supplies and do my laundry... And then you have the helicopter parents who actually WANT things this way. 

Sometimes when I look at the world around me I'm glad that life isn't very long. Would I really want to live in this depressing world, especially now without my soulmate? I wish for a short life, I don't want to face the ugly truths of this world any longer than I have to. Bad things in this world were tolerable and bearable with my soulmate by my side. But without her? Nothing in this world makes any sense now. There's no point in putting up with things anymore.

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Those high profile cases really anger me but I agree that there's more narcissism than we acknowledge.
I also feel glad about finally dying one day. I would've been upset before, that I would just disappear. but now I don't care.
I do want to find some degree of purpose so every day doesn't feel so slow though.
Will see.

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1 hour ago, new133 said:

Family isn't family if they aren't treating one another as such. Blood alone is insufficient..

My girlfriend herself struggled with this. Her family sometimes would treat her terribly, so disrespectfully and hurtfully. She would cry about it. She would be angry. I would support her. And then she would rationalize. She would do that "but my mom just cares about me" thing.

Family isn't just blood. Family is a bond between people. If you are going to act like you have no respect for someone, blood isn't enough to keep you together. Conversely, if you love someone and care for them like family, they are family. Even though my girlfriend and I weren't married, to me she was family. I loved her like I'd love any member of my own family. If we'd gotten married, we would have "legally" been family, but emotionally we already were family. Even my closest friends to me are "family'.

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Dealing with your partners estate is horrible because you don't have it on your mind to do all the paperwork and usually noone has deeper knowledge of the legal traps involved. Though I bought the house it was also in my wife's name. We made a mistake and had my stepdaughter reject her half of the estate because we thought then it would fall to me. But the law is different, suddenly my wife's father and her brother were legally in line for half of her estate.
Luckily they helped us straighten it out with a lawyer and get it back to my stepdaughter. I'm sorry that your husband's familiy is so different. This is really not the kind of worries you should have right now. I think getting a lawyer is necessary. Don't try to fight it alone.

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1 hour ago, new133 said:

by the way i doubt if this is even normal behavior when someone dies.... what you're describing is heartless people

I'm afraid you have no idea how much hurt they have caused me. I'm fairly young so I'm not that experienced in heartless people but now I know. I haven't spoken to her since she said I caused my husband to die of a broken heart, and for what? Because I allowed him to have visitors who she didn't approve of. The visitors were guys from his office that informed me the insurance policies he had were not correct. The guy in particular that called me has a history of flirting with me and before we were leaving the hospital he helped me load some bags into my SUV. She called and found out and took that and turned it into I was going to take all the life insurance money and me and this guy were going to live happily ever after. She said I was going to give his Harley to him and let him drive Joes truck. 

How absurd is that when before she found out that she wasn't on life insurance policies I was the best sister in law and wife she could've ever asked for her brother? How absurd is it that she wouldn't even come down to see her dying brother when she was asked to not only by me and my husband but by doctors and nurses? How absurd is it that she cant even show up to pay respects to her brother? All of this, is guilt I carry on a daily basis. 

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16 minutes ago, Marcel said:

Dealing with your partners estate is horrible because you don't have it on your mind to do all the paperwork and usually noone has deeper knowledge of the legal traps involved. Though I bought the house it was also in my wife's name. We made a mistake and had my stepdaughter reject her half of the estate because we thought then it would fall to me. But the law is different, suddenly my wife's father and her brother were legally in line for half of her estate.
Luckily they helped us straighten it out with a lawyer and get it back to my stepdaughter. I'm sorry that your husband's familiy is so different. This is really not the kind of worries you should have right now. I think getting a lawyer is necessary. Don't try to fight it alone.

Dealing with legal issues is so much harder when you aren't mentally or emotionally stable for all that. It hurts because as I mentioned that I'm very sensitive, I have not only lost my husband, but I've lost people who I thought were my family. 

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Mrsviden,

You're right, we don't know just how much it hurts, but some of us do have at least an idea. Some of us have had to face either desertment or outright cruelty from other people following someone's death. 

His sister sounds like she's just being selfish and cruel. Maybe she is grieving herself and has decided for whatever reason that this is "easy" for you, and is resenting that. It is absurd for her to think that you would just move on and find someone else. Her accusations have no basis and are just her being selfish. Maybe she is hurting herself, but that does not excuse her behavior. It is also so wrong that she doesn't even recognize or care how much it hurts you to hear such horrible things. 

Death does have a way of ripping open our hearts and exposing the most raw of emotions. When people are alive and everything makes sense and is normal, it's easy to "control" yourself, it's easy to think positively about things. When death comes, and the finality truly sets in, nothing makes any sense. Some people react to things being out of control by withdrawing from life, others react by throwing themselves into things to desperately try to gain some control back, but still others respond by lashing out at the world and everyone in it, becoming immediately jealous and hateful towards others who they perceive as not having as much pain as they are, even if it's not true. 

If there is an actual threat of trouble for you with regards to the estate, you definitely should try to seek out some legal help. You need all the support you can get at this time, you're hurting, your emotions are all over the place and you could be easily manipulated by someone who is out to get you. Having a lawyer or another legal advocate to help keep things under control for you would be helpful. 

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50 minutes ago, fzald said:

Mrsviden,

You're right, we don't know just how much it hurts, but some of us do have at least an idea. Some of us have had to face either desertment or outright cruelty from other people following someone's death. 

His sister sounds like she's just being selfish and cruel. Maybe she is grieving herself and has decided for whatever reason that this is "easy" for you, and is resenting that. It is absurd for her to think that you would just move on and find someone else. Her accusations have no basis and are just her being selfish. Maybe she is hurting herself, but that does not excuse her behavior. It is also so wrong that she doesn't even recognize or care how much it hurts you to hear such horrible things. 

Death does have a way of ripping open our hearts and exposing the most raw of emotions. When people are alive and everything makes sense and is normal, it's easy to "control" yourself, it's easy to think positively about things. When death comes, and the finality truly sets in, nothing makes any sense. Some people react to things being out of control by withdrawing from life, others react by throwing themselves into things to desperately try to gain some control back, but still others respond by lashing out at the world and everyone in it, becoming immediately jealous and hateful towards others who they perceive as not having as much pain as they are, even if it's not true. 

If there is an actual threat of trouble for you with regards to the estate, you definitely should try to seek out some legal help. You need all the support you can get at this time, you're hurting, your emotions are all over the place and you could be easily manipulated by someone who is out to get you. Having a lawyer or another legal advocate to help keep things under control for you would be helpful. 

Fzald: 

i didn't mean for that to come off as rude when I said you have no idea the hurt she has caused me. I find it very hard to believe she is grieving, you don't accept money from your brother life insurance and not accept the personal belongings. You don't accept money and not show up to the funeral. If you have any type of heart you don't threaten a lawsuit against your brothers wife because everything wasn't left to you. she has no idea if I'm taking it hard or easy because she doesn't call, we do not talk. If you had a heart you would reach out to your brothers wife. 

Shes not the only one that has to face reality, reality is I just lost my husband, my best friend of 12 years. I had to pick out the songs to play at his viewing for the slideshow, I had to deal with picking out his casket, all at the same time of realizing I had just lost the love of my life. None of that was easy, however she's not the one who told me I would move on, that was a former friend. I'm not going to sit around and think I deserved to be called the awful names I was called because her brother died. My husband died and I'm not calling people up left and right offending them. 

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I would see an estate attorney, I seriously doubt they have a leg to stand on, I think they're calling your bluff.  :angry:

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Mrsviden---------My heart is with you at this insensitive and hardship filled time for you. I would feel that wherever you live, the spousal laws would have to be the same. You would naturally inherit all of your husband's assets, accounts, etc., unless he had something legally specified. His sister or whomever is not entitled to anything except whatever you give from the kindness of your heart. She would have to have thousands of dollars to throw away on legal fees to attempt a lawsuit. Hang onto what you can and what you feel deep in your heart your husband would want for you. Hang in there.

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Mrsviden,

I wasn't implying that you were being rude to come off that way. I do understand how you feel, people being so insensitive at times like this. It does sound like your husband's sister truly is just being selfish. I mean, grieving does come out in some weird ways sometimes, including anger and hatred and blaming others, but her behavior is completely unacceptable. You are right, she may be dealing with losing a family member, but YOU lost your husband, YOU lost your soulmate and your life companion. IT sounds like she didn't even want to see him anyway when he was still alive, so it is obvious you were far closer to him. Your grief is your own, it is unique to you, and the depth of your relationship is something only you know and only you feel. 

I agree with the others, don't let her bring you down, and consult with a lawyer if she keeps threatening. She certainly isn't going to be able to walk into your house and start taking things. As for money and other things like that, she will legally be allowed to collect what is hers by the terms of the policies, but she would, as others have said, have a serious uphill battle in trying to claim more than her rightful share. Her accusations that you "caused" his death mean nothing legally without solid evidence to support those statements, of which she has none. The facts of his death are clear, obvious and provable from medical records. She is only trying to scare and intimidate you and take advantage of your grief. Don't let her do it.

I'm so sorry you have to deal with all of this along with your grief. Grief alone is enough for any human being to have to handle, it's often too much even for strong-willed people. For someone to add more stress and pain to your plate is just unfair and selfish. 

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I am in complete agreement, I have no idea what kind of pain they have caused you, but having been through the few experiences I've had I feel extremely sad and angry for the kind of BS people have to deal with on a daily basis. I'm also young, but I guess I'm a bit paranoid because I don't initially trust people so I don't have to be let down. But I can also be really open to some people so it depends.
I'm sorry that YOU feel guilty when it is they who should be feeling the guilt, you know sometimes I feel so bad for what my grandmother went through that I think I'm feeling guilty but I don't even know what that feeling is. I cared so much for her that I get depressed just thinking about her suffering. But it feels like guilt. or at least it feels like something horrible that just continually eats away at me. I just don't think it's fair for us to go through that over and over and not have any form of relief.. Sometimes I get tired to the point where I experience numbness as opposed to any happiness or sadness or anything at all really. I imagine there will be more days like those.
I am sorry for you and me and for everyone going through this repeatedly.
From what you describe I don't know if she's a horrible person, immature, or something else entirely. ...
Try not to let those people bother you (obviously that's hard) but clearly they have major issues.
You lost everything and it's not as if you're taking it out on OTHER people.
I don't understand them. I don't think I want to. I don't want to imagine what their thought process is like and end up having to absorb it. Maybe there is no need for you to reach out to her anymore... don't have her influence around if that's possible..

 

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3 hours ago, KMB said:

Mrsviden---------My heart is with you at this insensitive and hardship filled time for you. I would feel that wherever you live, the spousal laws would have to be the same. You would naturally inherit all of your husband's assets, accounts, etc., unless he had something legally specified. His sister or whomever is not entitled to anything except whatever you give from the kindness of your heart. She would have to have thousands of dollars to throw away on legal fees to attempt a lawsuit. Hang onto what you can and what you feel deep in your heart your husband would want for you. Hang in there.

They won a lawsuit a couple years back that got them loads of money to throw away. Based off of survivalist rights I legally get everything, I personally don't believe they want anything of his, they just want to be ugly about the situation. 

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2 hours ago, fzald said:

Mrsviden,

I wasn't implying that you were being rude to come off that way. I do understand how you feel, people being so insensitive at times like this. It does sound like your husband's sister truly is just being selfish. I mean, grieving does come out in some weird ways sometimes, including anger and hatred and blaming others, but her behavior is completely unacceptable. You are right, she may be dealing with losing a family member, but YOU lost your husband, YOU lost your soulmate and your life companion. IT sounds like she didn't even want to see him anyway when he was still alive, so it is obvious you were far closer to him. Your grief is your own, it is unique to you, and the depth of your relationship is something only you know and only you feel. 

I agree with the others, don't let her bring you down, and consult with a lawyer if she keeps threatening. She certainly isn't going to be able to walk into your house and start taking things. As for money and other things like that, she will legally be allowed to collect what is hers by the terms of the policies, but she would, as others have said, have a serious uphill battle in trying to claim more than her rightful share. Her accusations that you "caused" his death mean nothing legally without solid evidence to support those statements, of which she has none. The facts of his death are clear, obvious and provable from medical records. She is only trying to scare and intimidate you and take advantage of your grief. Don't let her do it.

I'm so sorry you have to deal with all of this along with your grief. Grief alone is enough for any human being to have to handle, it's often too much even for strong-willed people. For someone to add more stress and pain to your plate is just unfair and selfish. 

And what is hers I have never tried to deny that fact. That is the way my husband wanted it and that's what it will be. From the moment he passed away it has been about respecting his wishes and that's all I've done. By her answering his question of "when you gonna come see me sis" by saying "I'm face timing you that's kind of the same thing" and when he passed away and I let her know and she said "yeah I figured he'd die as soon as he got home" all of this being said in such a cold hearted way shows you what kind of person im dealing with. My husband passed away from leukemia which he had for 10 years this is not something all of a sudden, this is something we thought we'd beat, but unfortunately we didn't and I'm left heartbroken. By her trying to scare or intimidate me I hate to say she has but she has, and that makes everything magnified. 

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3 hours ago, new133 said:

I am in complete agreement, I have no idea what kind of pain they have caused you, but having been through the few experiences I've had I feel extremely sad and angry for the kind of BS people have to deal with on a daily basis. I'm also young, but I guess I'm a bit paranoid because I don't initially trust people so I don't have to be let down. But I can also be really open to some people so it depends.
I'm sorry that YOU feel guilty when it is they who should be feeling the guilt, you know sometimes I feel so bad for what my grandmother went through that I think I'm feeling guilty but I don't even know what that feeling is. I cared so much for her that I get depressed just thinking about her suffering. But it feels like guilt. or at least it feels like something horrible that just continually eats away at me. I just don't think it's fair for us to go through that over and over and not have any form of relief.. Sometimes I get tired to the point where I experience numbness as opposed to any happiness or sadness or anything at all really. I imagine there will be more days like those.
I am sorry for you and me and for everyone going through this repeatedly.
From what you describe I don't know if she's a horrible person, immature, or something else entirely. ...
Try not to let those people bother you (obviously that's hard) but clearly they have major issues.
You lost everything and it's not as if you're taking it out on OTHER people.
I don't understand them. I don't think I want to. I don't want to imagine what their thought process is like and end up having to absorb it. Maybe there is no need for you to reach out to her anymore... don't have her influence around if that's possible..

 

After feeling very vulnerable and me thinking about it I reached out to her and just said I know that our last conversation didn't go the best, with careful thought and consideration I would like to reach out and have an adult conversation. I simply stated there are some things she doesn't know the full story on and that I still very much care about her and only want the best for her, and to let me know if she would like to talk. However she has read my message and chosen not to respond, so once again I feel as if I have stepped up to be the bigger person and I feel let down. My main concern and emotion is my husband being disappointed or mad at me. Then I think does he hate me now that he's gone. I miss him so much and I just don't know what I'm going to do without him. 

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Mrsviden,

i'm still so sorry that you have to deal with someone like that. When my grandmother passed, my aunt became the executor of her will. Her will was very clear, what she wanted, but still my uncle (the father of my cousin I mentioned) felt it necessary to argue and try to fight for more. It became an ugly weekend. What was supposed to be a time to celebrate my grandmother's life and mourn her death instead turned into a screaming fight with tears and raspy voices all around. To me when something is plain and simple in the will, that's clearly the person's wishes. Although I suppose some people still feel somehow wronged. My grandmother's will basically split everything equally among her three children. My uncle (more his wife actually) tried to argue that since they had more children they should get more. Also tried to argue that since my mom and our family didn't live nearby that we "needed less" since we were obviously getting along fine without any of my grandmother's support. Such horrible selfish people. Seeing death as just a way to gain personally. It is heartbreaking that people have to deal with such selfish and inconsiderate behavior while they're also grieving. 

Ultimately my aunt (bless her heart) put her foot down and said no, we're going with what the will says. My uncle finally just gave up. They stopped hearing from him and his part of the family. That alone is still sad, but that may end up being what will have to happen with you and your husband's sister. It is clear that she really didn't care about him and was almost waiting for him to die so she could claim what she wanted. It's sad that it has to come out this way. Death has a way of revealing people's true colors and bringing deep secrets up to the surface. It's humbling in a way.

Life has so, so, so many parts to it, but every single one of those parts all goes away in an instant with death. A life with dreams, history, wishes, hopes, happy and sad memories, purpose, everything, all of that ceases to be for that person when they die. My girlfriend had so much personality, every day I think of yet another part of her that I miss. Her death wasn't just one death, it was thousands of little deaths of every single part of her existence and her being. Her body gave out and stopped working, and she was robbed of everything because of it. I still weep for her herself, for her loss. 

I do hope that your husband's sister is just trying to scare you. Don't let her. If it gets ugly as we've said contact a lawyer. But maybe she's just trying to scare you, and you not letting her scare you will hopefully make her just stop eventually. In the meantime keep doing the best you can on your own with your grief. Grief stinks, it's horrible. But it seems we have no choice now. I just still ache for you and your insensitive family. I'm so sorry.

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Mrsviden----You are being the bigger person, so don't let this beat you down. You follow your husband's wishes. He is proud of you for standing up for not only yourself but for him and all that great love you two have. Love never dies.

I followed my husband's wishes, contrary to what a  shirt tail relative and a friend preferred. They haven't talked to me since and i don't care. My husband didn't care much for the shirt tail relative anyway.

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Following their wishes is one way we can honor the ones we lost.

I still hurt that I was unable to help my girl fulfill her wishes. Her family took the reins the moment she passed and, since they deny our relationship, I had no role in the process. I do know that she would not approve of what did happen. 

For those of you who did get to follow their wishes even against the desires of others, I commend you. Some will try to say "they're dead, it doesn't matter." Maybe that's true, but it really is our duty to do our best to honor them. I'm sure the people who say they think we should dishonor someone's wishes would want THEIR wishes honored when their time comes.

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fzald, My husband did not want a memorial service. I knew his wishes but he also had them placed in his will in case anyone decided to contest. The shirt tail relative considers himself a know it all and told me I was commiting a sin by not having a service.I told him the sin was his not visiting my husband very much when he was alive and dictating to me what my husband wanted for his own end of life affairs.

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Hello all, boy does this post resonate with me! This week, after finally having the courage to file for voluntary administration of Greg's estate, his estranged 25 year old daughter who lives 1500 miles away and knew of my plans for nearly two months, suddenly wants to get legal advice about the estate. So she's asking me to cancel my petition and wait around while she makes her decision. 

Folks, this girl was so estranged from the family, they didn't know she existed until I told them. After the divorce, Greg's ex took her to the Midwest, and during his drinking years he saw her a couple of times, but not since she was about 6. He told me the greatest regret of his life was not being a good father, and when I told the kid about it, she said not to say anything else about him.  No interest in him as a person, but very interested in what she might gain from his death. She's concerned about "committing herself and letting go of something" in terms of his estate. Not sure what that would be, as I've told her with funeral and medical bills alone, his estate will be insolvent. He wanted to get life insurance after the cancer diagnosis, to take care of ME, but of course he was uninsurable then. And if he'd avoided the hospital just one more day, we would have been married and the whole thing would be done by now. 

So I have a choice...cancel the petition and wait around for her, which is bad for me as I feel I should start trying to get something done so I might take a little step forward...or cancel the petition, send her everything I have related to the estate, and give the creditors her contact information so I can just be done with it. 

Insensitivity, ignorance, rudeness, selfishness, and above all, greed. I'm so sorry that so many of us have to carry the burden of dealing with people like this, when even the weight of our own limbs sometimes feels too heavy to lift out of bed in the morning. 

I shouldn't be surprised. After my years at the bank, witnessing firsthand how the vultures circle when someone dies, and how nasty things often get, I should have expected it.  This wide-eyed, bewildered girl, who looks so much like her father it tugs at my heart, now seems nothing more than a gold digger. 

My daughter said in her eyes, she's the daughter and I was just the girlfriend. In the eyes of the law, it is exactly that. Maybe it would be easier for me to let it go, so I've decided to give her the weekend, and take action on Monday if needed. 

When do things start getting a little easier?

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1 hour ago, His Monkey said:

 

When do things start getting a little easier?

His Monkey: 

first off I'm sorry you are having to deal with that mess. I wish I knew the answer to your question. I don't think it ever gets easier, I think we just learn to cope better. This is something we will live with forever. 

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Mrsviden,  I'm pretty sure that would be the last conversation I'd have with that person.  People can be so stupid.  I had someone compare losing my husband to how it feels to lose a pet.  Not to belittle that grief, been there, and it hurts... but a husband of 24 years is a wee bit different.

Two months?  Sigh.  Moron.

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