Bereavement, fiancé lacks empathy

[TheEscapist]

Long story short, last month I lost my grandfather who was actually closer to me than both of my parents. Needless to say, it's been a huge blow. I have decent days and bad days, and generally I'm just struggling deep down.

A week after this had happened, fiancé became really cold towards me, yelling that 'it's just too much' for him and once even hanging up the phone whilst I was sobbing. We spoke afterwards, I decided maybe he's under a lot of stress from new job etc and the additional emotional weight of my situation is difficult for him to bear. So we tried to work it out.

The issue is, it has been consistently worsening over the last month no matter how I try to talk to him. He is not there when I need it the most. We've fought, given each other space, talked it out but he doesn't seem to get it. I don't feel supported when I need it the most. If I'm speaking about the pain, he gets uncomfortable and sometimes changes the subject, he avoids the topic completely and now I feel like he is drifting away entirely. In this entire ordeal, he hasn't once messaged me out of the blue to say 'hey how are you coping today?', or sent me any comforting words about grief, or even any comforting gestures. Nothing. I feel utterly wrecked, helpless and alone.

I'm at the point where I am withdrawing hard, I don't want to be around him at the moment. I'm considering a very long break from the relationship (several months) so I can sort my head out, alone.

Odd, that I'd even want to still marry this guy but aside from this past month, we've had a pretty solid relationship and I can't bear to throw it all away. Still, looking back, I wonder what % of it was me giving and him taking..

[reader]

Dear TheEscapist,

My deepest condolences and sympathies on the passing your cherished and beloved grandfather. I know this is a very difficult time. Grief is so overwhelming.

I know everyone grieves differently. And during this sad time, you are so right, we need those closest around us to check on us and support us. But I think most people have a hard time knowing what to say or do during the mourning period. I find with myself, I  have not asked my friends or family members for what I need. It could be a simple, I need you call me once a week. I need you to listen to me. Its hard on us women to ask for what we need and want. And more so during these sad times. Do whatever you need to protect yourself.

Please know we are all here for you and understand the struggle. Grief is a road that I wish none of us had to travel.

Thinking of you.

[Marcel]

I think there are some possible explanations. Maybe he has his own experiences which makes it hard for him to deal with the subject.
Maybe he fears he's not good at comforting someone because he can't relate to those feelings of yours. Or maybe he just doesn't have it in him to be compassionate.
But you have to ask him directly why it seems to be so difficult for him to support you. If he has an answer you can work on it. If he doesn't have an answer then maybe you really should take some time for yourself.

[TheEscapist]

On 14/03/2017 at 7:40 AM, reader said:

Dear TheEscapist,

My deepest condolences and sympathies on the passing your cherished and beloved grandfather. I know this is a very difficult time. Grief is so overwhelming.

I know everyone grieves differently. And during this sad time, you are so right, we need those closest around us to check on us and support us. But I think most people have a hard time knowing what to say or do during the mourning period. I find with myself, I  have not asked my friends or family members for what I need. It could be a simple, I need you call me once a week. I need you to listen to me. Its hard on us women to ask for what we need and want. And more so during these sad times. Do whatever you need to protect yourself.

Please know we are all here for you and understand the struggle. Grief is a road that I wish none of us had to travel.

Thinking of you.

Thank you ever so much for the kind words. It is so utterly difficult. I've tried speaking about it to him, telling him what I need etc but he seems to think my emotions are an on and off switch. We've been arguing on and off for weeks, I just can't stomach it at this point.

[TheEscapist]

On 14/03/2017 at 7:25 PM, Marcel said:

I think there are some possible explanations. Maybe he has his own experiences which makes it hard for him to deal with the subject.
Maybe he fears he's not good at comforting someone because he can't relate to those feelings of yours. Or maybe he just doesn't have it in him to be compassionate.
But you have to ask him directly why it seems to be so difficult for him to support you. If he has an answer you can work on it. If he doesn't have an answer then maybe you really should take some time for yourself.

Thank you, Marcel. I've addressed this with him on a calm level and tried to understand him; the conversation always becomes an argument, he gets defensive and starts listing all the things he has done for me.. It has become an endless cycle of arguing, and at the end I only feel worse than before.