The day she died, or the last day she was awake?

[fzald]

I find myself wavering between the actual "day" that I feel my girlfriend left the world.

On one hand, we know that her actual date of death was 1/28/2017.

But, the last time she was alive, conscious, that her personality was there, was 1/23/2017. On that day, she passed out and never woke up again before she passed away.

So sometimes for me I feel like 1/23/17 is the day she left me, even though she wasn't physically gone yet. Of course, in those few days, I had a lot of hope and prayed all week for her recovery. On 1/28 is when my world actually fell apart, when the glue holding me together that week broke apart. 

So sometimes I say "it's been 6-7 weeks since she died." This is what I mean.

For those who had a gap of time between the last time they saw or talked to their love, and the day they physically died, what day do you choose as the day you lost them?

[Ravinder]

Hi,

Fzald I lost my wife on November 29th last year, last time she spoke to me was on Saturday 19 November whist she was being transferred to a major hospital for surgery, she squeezed my hand and said OK as I told her to think of our kids.

After the 10 hour overnight operation to replace, repair a ruptured aortic valve she never woke up.

My beautiful red head, genuine courteous, polite, caring, loving, always smiling love of my life, wife passed away peacefully at 5am on the 29th November.

Like most of us living our nightmares and contacting via such forums the pain doesn't ease as I share the grief of others losing their loved one.

Three months yesterday 12 March 2017 since her funeral, distressing painful lonely day for me and my three kids.

Ravinder.

I also like you believe that we will meet again, Bal and I in the life after.

God bless.

Ravinder.

[fzald]

Ravinder,

The "last words" thing is so so hard.

My girlfriend passed out and died of a sudden brain hemorrhage. The last thing she literally ever said to me was about our jobs at work, asking me about a meeting she was going to be absent from but wanted me to bring something up for her at. Something so trivial, so routine and mundane.

But the last time I saw her in person was January 20th, before she left, and on that day she said she loves me and hugged and kissed me goodbye.

So I actually have three days. 1/20, when I saw and hugged her last and said I love you for the last time, 1/23 when she last spoke to me at all and when she was last awake and conscious, and 1/28 when she actually passed away.

There's that old tongue in cheek saying: "the only two things in life that are certain are death and taxes." Ignoring the "taxes" part, it is absolutely true, death is certain for all of us. But we still like to think we have at least some control over when it happens. We have a multi-trillion dollar medical industry in this world which tries to keep people alive and healthy as long as possible. But no matter how hard we try, some people just don't make it. The body is still too complex for us to understand in complete detail, and even if we did understand it all, we would still be unable to control death fully. 

It doesn't get easier. People say "you get through it, not over it." I'm not even starting to get through it. Nobody deserves to die young. Nobody deserves to be taken so suddenly without any warning for no good reason. But that's the reality I'm in. I feel like giving up a lot of the time. I envy those who have kids or even pets to look after, it gives you at least some reason to keep going. We didn't have kids and her dog got adopted out at a shelter, so I have nothing of her other than memories and a few minor possessions. I don't know what the point of going on is.

Wishing everyone peace...

[Meesh]

Fzald

My partner had his accident on the 20th november and never regained any conciousness, he died on dec 2nd, i  count his passing from nov 20th because thats when i lost him whether that be the trauma of finding him, i'm not sure about but that day will be stuck in my mind forever more so than his actual death date so thats coming up to 4 mnths for me now and i can't believe ive gone so long without him, i am so lonely but trying to do my best muddling thru life best way i can x

[fzald]

I will most certainly consider January 23rd the day she left my life, because that's the day she passed out and never awoke. That's the day her spirit and her consciousness were snuffed out of this world, and nothing would bring her back. 

The 28th is just the day of her physical death. In my mind, she died on the 23rd, because that's the last day she was awake to speak to anyone.

Also the 20th still holds significant as the last day I saw her in person. Two months on the 20th is coming up in less than a week. 

Two months almost... And yet I feel like I've made no progress at all.

 

[Zoe jane]

My partner was fine on 5th Jan been porley but was OK He was hungry late on but gave him his tea just after 9.30pm we watched film chatted the following day he was very sleepy kept trying to wake him to take meds have cupa of tea he replied yep! He slept most of the day by Tea time started act little strange reaching out getting out of bed then jump back on the bed. He called out my name and his own one tear ran down his face he just slumpt against me he stopped breathing I tried to wake him shaking him call him tell him your scaring me now wake up. Our son rang for help I did what they told me to do removing pillows lay him flat and gave heart compressions. Took paramedics such long time to get here over 20mins.They did what had to do found a pulse after 22mins but I new he was already gone the second he slumpt against me. It was so tragic then the hospital had him in resus for 4hours brought me his belongings. Only machines keeping him alive he had massive brain trauma caused from lack care from his doctor not keep eye on his illness check his bloods and his heart medication he was taking made him develop diabetes and irregular heart beat. It was such heart breaking 2days I carnt let go struggling he died 1day before 41st birthday. How do you get over such a tragic happening. 

[ModHerc]

Fzald,

My issue isn't a week long, it is only about an hour and a half.  The night of the 24th versus the early morning hours of the 25th.  The death certificate reads 0055 12/25/2016, but in my mind it will always be the 24th, because that is when I found her and knew that I would never hear her speak again, or see her smile.  I think for me that is the determining factor, not the last moment I saw her, but the moment I realized I never would again.

[KMB]

I am so sorry Zoe jane. Unfortunately, there are no answers. It is not good for our minds and hearts to dwell over our loved ones passing. The outcome can never be changed, no matter how many times we go over it. The worrying and over thinking are not productive and just add un-necessary burden to our grieving. Besides, I feel strongly that our loved ones would not want us to dwell on their passing. They wants us to remember how they lived. Time, and our own hard work will fade away the images of death. At least, I hope so. I only get fleeting images now and then and I tell my mind not to go there.

I try to keep in mind the biological facts. We are all going to die. The how and when of it is unknown. My husband passed of sudden cardiac arrest. It was quick and painless. What he wanted and how we all wish to go.

I know you are hurting. We all are. This pain is like none other and never goes away.  For myself, I just try to get through each day. Each day brings me one day closer to that reunion with my husband. It is the only consolation I can give to myself.

My prayers of peace and comfort to you. (HUGS)