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Sharyn01

Today makes 1 month he's been gone

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I made it to the one month mark...my heart is dying slowly inside. Its starting to really sink in he isnt coming home ever again. I finally made myself go into my living room this weekend and straighten it up. I hadn't been in there since he passed in there on Feb 13th. But I realized that he built that room with all the windows in it so that I could enjoy the sunshine in the winter. So I went in there and did what I had to do. I even managed to fall asleep on the couch, best 2 nights sleep I have had since he passed.

I am not sure what today is going to bring but I am sure whatever it is, it is going to be dealt with the way it needs to. I am finally realizing nothing is going to bring him back and there is no way for him to advise me anymore so its all on me now.

 

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Sharyn01,

Dates are so hard for me.  Special occasions we no longer share, marks of time in the passage of our lives without them.  For me those are the primary triggers.  I see other things that will set me off from time to time, but the dates turn everything into a trigger for me.  Remember to take care of the basics, water, eat what you can, get rest if you can and exercise.  One moment at a time and eventually we will get to a place where we can heal at least a little.  Wishing you whatever comfort you can find,

Herc

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Hi Sharyn01

I know how you feel -  I've been there and know first hand the slow death your feel inside.  I'm glad you're able to go a little further each day especially with the much needed sleep your body needed; that's progress -  good for you.      We don't ever know what the future will bring, and sometimes we face difficulties not because we're doing something wrong, but because we're doing something right.  What you are doing is the 'right' thing.  This storm we are all in will someday lesson and God will bring us through and give us strength.  His word is true.  In Isaiah 40:29 it states, "He gives strength to the weary, and increases the power to the weak.".

God Bless you and keep you moving in the right direction. 


 

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Sharyn,

When they die we don't see how we can possibly live without them...then when it hits one month and we find ourselves still living it hits all the harder, how can this be!  No answers, just accept this cyber hug...

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Sharyn---My thoughts are with you. (HUGS)

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I made it through another day. I was doing well with it until I went to check the mail and his sister that he hadn't had contact with in years, and definitely not since we been married, over 13 years now, sent a sympathy card with a snide remark about him in it. Then the day just went to hell from there. I got her phone number from another family member and she wont answer her phone to hear what I got to say which is probably for the best anyway. I just don't get people sometimes, I swear I don't.

It is suppose to snow here tonight, not looking forward to that at all. I don't drive in snow so I am pretty much house bound until its gone. Although thankfully we aren't getting as much as out East so I really shouldn't complain. But it is just another reminder, that I depended on Mike way to much. I was always so willing to let him drive me instead of me driving me.

Thanks everyone for listening to me and reminding me that even though we may never meet, there are people out there who know what I am feeling and understand the pain I am in. Because I have no one close to me that has lost their spouse or significant other. I am the only member of this club among the people I know.

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Sharyn,

Some people are so horribly insensitive. Most people don't mean to be harsh, they just don't understand the depth of loss. But a snide remark in a sympathy card? That seems a bit over the top. I want to say maybe she is grieving and having a hard time dealing herself and expressing her anger and emotions outwardly in a negative way, but you would know better than I.

One month is, sadly, not much. I'm at one and a half months. It's no better, in fact it's slowly worsening. I remember the first week or two. I managed to function at least partially through the shock and denial. But now, that's fading. I know she cannot ever come back, but I can't accept it. I still feel like someday we will again be spending time together at work, or at restaurants by work, or at my house. I sometimes still feel like I'm just waiting for her to come back, and that I need to be prepared for when that happens. I can't deal with "never". I could always deal with "for a little while" but I can't do "never". Nothing will ever be OK for me again. I may have to move someday just to get out of this environment and everything it stood for when it comes to me and her. I am not making any snap decisions but I've thought about it. It's amazingly difficult. I don't know how anyone does it.

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Sharyn,

Maybe she has mental issues, who knows.  When George died his own father didn't bother coming to his funeral, even though family members offered to drive him.  George had been there for him, so I don't get that.  I didn't hear from him until one year later when he called badmouthing George.  !!!  I told him to call when he had something nice to say.  He never did.  George was the sweetest person in the world, would do anything for anyone, would give the shirt off his back, no reason for anyone to badmouth him.  It was his father's problem, he was the one with the issues.  My guess is it is your SIL's issues as well.  Let her own and have her own issues.  I'm sorry!

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I did manage to calm myself down and get through the rest of the day, by reminding myself that his sister is who she is. Her problem with him should of been brought to his attention when he could deal with it and not after he was gone and brought to mine because I will defend him until my dying day. But as I said yesterday, its a good thing she didn't answer her phone. It would of not been pretty I am sure. I was so mad I just knew that it was going to end up badly.

I had to call my tv company today and explain to them that Mike's insurance was not coming through and I needed to cancel the account before the contract was up. Of course, they tried to help me as best they could, but it wasn't a whole lot of help. I am really starting to feel the blows of him being gone. As he was the sole breadwinner of our family, the money situation is getting scary. I never had to worry about this stuff when he was here, he always had the money we needed when we needed it. And this is scary scary scary. Not only did I lose him, one by one I am losing the things that we had together. Granted I didn't watch that much tv, I am not a tv watcher, I would rather use my computer and internet for whatever I want to watch. But I am really starting to fear my future, at this point. I am scared of what tomorrow is going to bring. Our savings is whipped out with paying the funeral home, had no choice that bill had to be paid.

I already was one to question my faith, by losing my Mama when I was 18 and my brother when he was 35. Now I am really questioning my faith because why would I be going through all this when Mike and I had back up plans for everything. It seems like I am being punished for loving the man that no one else could love because he wouldn't let them. I am just holding on today it seems. I thought I was handling things so well, then the bills started coming in and the money is really short. I am sure that there is not going to be nothing given to me that I can't handle (as Mike liked to remind me a lot) but I wish I didn't feel like my world is falling apart worse than ever. Losing Mike was bad enough but all this other stuff is insane to deal with also.

 

 

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Sharyn,

it's so scary and so sad that we have to sometimes deal with these things on top of our immense and unrelenting grief. 

As I have a job, I've kind of noticed an opposite effect. I have more money than I normally do. I at first wondered why, thought maybe an error occurred. Then I reviewed my bank statements and realized the horrible awful truth. I'm no longer spending money on her. I'm no longer spending money on taking her out to eat, buying her things, any of the little gestures we did for each other. Of course she did these for me too. But as I made more money than her, I was always the one being a little more extravagant. Without her, I have more money, and no happiness. I would rather have no money and have her.

It seems so unfair. Most people will experience a significant loss at some point in their life. My girlfriend luckily was spared that. She did lose one of her grandmothers when she was, I want to say, 7 or 8. But she never lost a parent, a dear close friend, anything like that. She never knew immense, burning grief. I envy her for that.

I have lost my father, my best childhood friend, all of my grandparents, pets, and have watched my mom's health deteriorate. I'm way too young to have had to deal with so much loss. But here I am. In the face of everything I lost, my girlfriend was my pillar of strength. I was SURE she wasn't going anywhere. And yet she did. She was my "backup plan" for everything, when things went wrong she was the one who kept me going. She was the one who gave me strength when I thought I had none. Now I have none, and I don't have her. I'm lost without her. 

 

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Fzald, I really do understand where you are coming from, minus the money situation. I had lost both parents by the time I was 19, taking on the custody of my younger siblings when my Mama died when I was 18. My grandfather died when I was 4 months old, my grandmother when I was 4ish or thereabouts. I have lost all my aunts and uncles on my Mama's side but one. When the last surviving Aunt died last year, that as my cousin said made me the matriarch of the family on that side, a job I really don't like. I haven't worked in over 15 years, Mike was very old fashioned and my only responsibility was to take loving critters they are now.

I guess as I said before I depended on him entirely to much as I see it now. He was my rock and now my rock has been shattered into little bitty pieces and I don't like the feeling that goes with that. I have never considered myself the helpless type but I sure feel that way at the moment. My emotions aren't helping me at all, it seems like the past few days have been way worse than it was a few weeks ago, when and a few weeks after his death.

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Sharyn

it must be hard to deal with financial issues when you have just lost the love of your life. I'm not in financial troubles but my stepdaughter and me had to to cut through a lot of red tape the last couple of months while none of us could even think straight.
It's exhausting but at least I still have some savings and a regular job. Hang in there, you'll find a way.
Regarding his sister, just forget about it. My wife's family is blaming me for the death of my wife while they never cared enough to support her or be there for her while she was ill. I also tend to get angry when I think about it but I have to realize they they just don't have a clue what was really going on here.
It's easy to ignore everything the best they can and then pointing fingers when it's too late.

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Sharyn,

Questioning our faith is normal when we've lost the most important person to us.  For about a year I felt I couldn't pray or if I tried it fell on deaf ears, I felt God was a million miles away.  Someone mentioned Dark Night of the Soul the other day, that's how I felt.  We get through this but it sure isn't easy.  (((hugs)))  I also canceled my t.v. when George died, I have very basic Dish now but it'd go before I'd let go of internet...we don't have high speed in my area, so no streaming capability.

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Sharyn01----I feel for you. I've been estranged from my mother for years because she is a narcisstic bully. I didn't bother letting her know when my husband passed. I went with my husband's wishes and did not have an obituary done. My husband was always low key about himself. Always said he came into this world with no fanfare, he wanted to leave the same way. Due to his having a will, a legal notice had to be placed in the local paper.A very tiny legal notice. My mother, being her usual nosy self, reads every word in the paper. I got a sympathy card from her. I should not have opened it. A small note fell out. It read, * with your husband's health conditions, you knew he was going to die*. My mother is 78 and going strong. She manipulates and intimidates my stepdad and siblings. She has no friends. I choose to stay away from her. I wonder constantly why my husband had to leave this life early, and some people, like the person who gave birth to me, is allowed to have a long, healthy life where they have done nothing but sit in their house all day creating drama.

I'm sorry for venting, Sharyn, but your post about your husband's sister and the card you received set me off. I just get angry and hurt from some people. If my stepdad passed away, my mother would put on her act and expect everyone of us kids to be there for her constantly. My mother doesn't love my stepdad. He is just a pension and social security check for her.She's always saying how she wished she didn't have to put up with a man in her house but that she needs the money. Me, on the other hand, I told my husband once that I would be happy living with him in a cardboard box under a bridge, as long as we were together.

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Me too, KMB, me too. 

On 3/15/2017 at 0:00 PM, KMB said:

I told my husband once that I would be happy living with him in a cardboard box under a bridge, as long as we were together.

 

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On 3/15/2017 at 3:00 PM, KMB said:

. Me, on the other hand, I told my husband once that I would be happy living with him in a cardboard box under a bridge, as long as we were together.

I told Mike this many times, as long as we were together I didn't care where we were. It never got to that point while we were together but had it, I would of been there.

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My girl and I sometimes argued about where we would live. I am (was?) comfortable here in this town. She wanted to think bigger. She even had a couple places that she wanted to explore and see if she'd like them. I was kind of stubborn, after all I had my family and my friends here. She didn't have many friends around here, and her family...well that's a post for another day, but suffice it to say her life might have been a lot easier if she was farther away from them. But I was trying to be too practical. I have a good reputation here so I figured I could easily get a permanent job and even help get her one. As her own reputation built up I tried to reinforce that with her, that her reputation around town is going to work in her favor here. But still she resisted, even as recently as last fall we argued about it. 

Around that time, I had a minor epiphany, and realized that I loved her, and that as long as we had each other I could make anything work. I told her I felt this way, and that I would at least visit places with her and be totally honest about how I felt, not going into it expecting to hate it and such. We never got the opportunity, because we had planned to start exploring this summer. While we were going to stay here for at least a couple more years and save up some money, I had agreed to at least consider it. 

One time in anger she said to me "I don't think I can live the rest of my life in this town. I know you like it but I'm not you. I don't think I'll be happy if I end up staying here."

Now I think about it and realize how sad it is, that she actually did live the rest of her life here, and never got to explore other places. In hindsight, I would have traveled ANYWHERE with her for her to just be alive and well. If the gods above gave me a bargain - "live wherever she wants and she will come back" - I'd be packing my suitcases tonight.

So sad sometimes how death makes you realize just how little some things matter when love is there. We loved each other. She even loved me enough to say that she would remain open to staying here if it honestly turned out to be the best option practically. And it took a while but I did realize that I loved her enough to consider her ideas too. We never got to realize this dream though. I feel so sad for this fact alone, that she never did get to explore the world like she desperately wanted to.

One of my family members actually had the nerve to tell me "See? One thing that's positive is now you don't have to worry about where you're going to live. You can stay here and nobody can argue with you." Apparently that's supposed to make me feel better? Like I said at this point I'd move ANYWHERE if it meant she would be alive again. 

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Funny thing about where we live at, Mike grew up here his entire life almost was on this property. And I grew up a mile down the road, until I got old enough to move away. Which I did do, but as they say you eventually always go home and this is where I am today. A mile from where I grew up and on his family's home place.

I don't think Mike would of been happy any place else. This place meant the world to him. His Dad bought it when he was a young child and this is what he considered home. I am glad he at least managed to live where he wanted at because he would of never been happy. I used to tell him I couldn't see me living back down here as I was used to the busier aspect of society and this is a really rural area. In fact, if you see 15 cars pass my house in a day, it must be Sunday and they are headed to the church on top of the hill. But here I am almost 14 years later, hating when I have to go to one of the towns that is 30 miles away. I can't stand the traffic or the amount of people.

 

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Sharyn---My life is similar. I'm living in the old farmhouse my husband grew up in. His parents bought the place the year he was born. They had a small dairy farm. It is an isolated, rural area and when my husband and I moved in after his father passed, we were both happy. Sure, 30 miles to the nearest town for decent shopping, but we loved our peace here. I grew up 45 miles away. I was living and working 6 miles from here when I met my husband.I always have thought what a small world it can actually be. I met my soulmate and for years we were only 6 miles apart. I feel so sad that my husband can no longer be here, enjoying his retirement years here and the plans he had. But, I can carry on for him the best I can.

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Your use the phrase soulmate, it made me smile. Mike used to tell me for years we were soulmates and meant to be together but I just wasn't having any part of it. If only I had listened to him,we would of had many many more years together. But as I firmly believe, everything comes in its own time, so I am sure it wasn't meant to be until it was.

Peace is what I love about this ole farm. I also am carrying on the best I can with the stuff I know that he wanted to do or wanted done.

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Sharyn---Staying in our home and carrying on is the only way I know of to honor him. We were both old fashioned, set in our way of life. I just hope that I don't have to wait too long to be reunited with him. I picture him in our home in Heaven, waiting for me. We both just wanted a small, rustic cabin in the woods, surrounded by nature. That image, those thoughts, bring calmness.

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For me it's 50 miles to the nearest town.  Sure, there's a small town closer, the one I use for my mailing address, but it doesn't have shopping, etc., anything I need to do is 50-60 miles away.  And I HATE "going to town", I hate the traffic, the rude people, etc.

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