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Mrsviden

Things people say...

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Mrsviden   

I've mentioned before on some of my previous posts how I really hate when people say "move on" "you'll find someone new" and so forth..& the people who have responded have said they don't intentionally mean to hurt our feelings, but it still doesn't make it right. 

Yesterday in church I had testified and when I sat back down the lady behind me tapped me on the shoulder and said "oh was your husband terminal?" I said "yes he sure was" she then said "oh did y'all have kids", I said "no unfortunately we didn't get enough time for all that" she said "girl, you had all the time in the world" I just rolled my eyes and tried to focus on what I have learned from here and that's to just try and realize they don't really mean to hurt you. But it's what she said afterwards...she went on to ask if my husband gave me permission to move on, puzzled by the question I said "what do you mean move on" she said "you know find someone new, you can't be alone the rest of your life"

I just turned around and tried thinking on what really makes a person believe that just because our spouse dies and it happens when we are young, it doesn't mean we need to go out and find someone. I wish I had time with my husband to have children before he got sick but we were so busy and of course you always think You always have time. But later on down the road if I want kids, do you know how many kids are out there wanting to be adopted? I don't need a man to become a mother, well I guess biologically you do lol. 

But if I were to answer her question I would say "we had this talk multiple times throughout his sickness, I said baby, if anything were to happen to you I could never be with anyone ever again, it will be you and me forever. (Let me remind you we've been talking about getting married since we were 10 years old.) He followed me by saying "I know I'm going to die before you, but I want you to know you've been my day one girl for all these years, if something were to happen to you, I would be alone too. 

Its something about finding your true love, soul mate so young that gives you the strength to carry on (I think a responder KMB said that). I know each and every one of you know how it feels. 

What that lady At church doesn't know is the love we shared, the love story behind us, the bond, everything that made us-us. So instead of becoming angry at her I guess I need to look at her with pity for saying such an ignorant statement. A lot of the times people don't know the background story of you and your spouse, so they just say cliche things. 

My prayer for each and every one of you is to know that we are all each other's "friend" on here, and that you find peace and comfort knowing that you have thousands of people going through the same thing we all are. May god bless each of you today, even if it's just the strength to get out of bed. 

God bless...

 

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Hi.

Firstly I am so sorry for your loss.

i can fully relate to what you must be going through. People say this to me all the time too. I am now 27 and my fiancée died last year. I wear the wedding ring she had picked out for me on my finger even now and people tell me ," You're so young. Go out and have a second shot at love". What if I don't want a second chance? Missing her is the most terrible feeling on earth but I am so so proud of the fact that even today I love her as much as I loved her as a 20 year old.. I hate people's sympathy and their constant pontification. I yell in my mind "I don't want to move on. I won't move on." I want to be in love with her forever.. and sometimes people try to be helpful but are oblivious to how much they hurt our feelings..

I'm with you, my friend. Just ignore these people. They won't understand and we shouldn't expect them to..

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Herc   

Mrsviden,

As always, I am so sorry for the thoughtlessness of others.  I'm glad you were able to accept her insensitivity for the simple ignorance that it is though.  I am a bit amused at one of the responses from her, the  "you know find someone new, you can't be alone the rest of your life".  She is so blatantly obviously wrong on that count.  You could well be alone for the rest of your life, at least in the sense she means.  You could be alone as far as a love interest goes, and still have a full, complete life filled with wonderful friends, compassion, deep caring, and love.

That she wants to give advice about love, while at the same time she is so inconsiderate and uncaring in how she goes about saying it, is deeply ironic.  The empathy and compassion for another in this situation would probably help her greatly, and it is to her detriment that she can't find it.  I am sorry  you had to put up with the comments, but know that there are people who understand what you are going through.  I hope you don't have to put up with more of that sort of thing, although of course we all probably will.  When we do, I am glad there are people like you who I can share those moments with to help get past them.  Wishing you comfort and peace as always,

Herc

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Mrsviden   
1 hour ago, Steven J Cavanaugh said:

Hi.

Firstly I am so sorry for your loss.

i can fully relate to what you must be going through. People say this to me all the time too. I am now 27 and my fiancée died last year. I wear the wedding ring she had picked out for me on my finger even now and people tell me ," You're so young. Go out and have a second shot at love". What if I don't want a second chance? Missing her is the most terrible feeling on earth but I am so so proud of the fact that even today I love her as much as I loved her as a 20 year old.. I hate people's sympathy and their constant pontification. I yell in my mind "I don't want to move on. I won't move on." I want to be in love with her forever.. and sometimes people try to be helpful but are oblivious to how much they hurt our feelings..

I'm with you, my friend. Just ignore these people. They won't understand and we shouldn't expect them to..

I'm sorry for your loss as well. My heart breaks for everyone who is a member of this club. I too, want to scream at the people that tell me to move on and get the chance to spend a lifetime with someone. Little do they know whether my husband is here or not I WILL most certainly get the lifetime with him. I cry at the fact that there won't be any more couples trips, random date nights, or just knowing that I will wake up alone. Physically he is gone, but spiritually I know he has never left me. People just don't understand and that's what hurts. But nothing hurts more than missing someone that you can't get back no matter how hard you tried. 

I had a lady tell me the other day that divorce is way harder than a spouse dying, sarcastically I said oh really? No doubt is divorce hard, but if you absolutely wanted to call your ex you could, if you wanted to drop by their house instead of going visiting their grave you could, and you could see them physically even if they are with someone else. 

I am here without my husband, my husband is up there without his wife. Although I know he is at peace, I am not, I'm broken. 

One thing I will say is they can't make us move on no matter how much they say it, we know in our hearts that we will not be with anyone other than spouse/your fiancée and there's nothing wrong with that. 

Again im sorry for your loss, I hope you're able to find some peace from this site. 

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Mrsviden   
30 minutes ago, Herc said:

Mrsviden,

As always, I am so sorry for the thoughtlessness of others.  I'm glad you were able to accept her insensitivity for the simple ignorance that it is though.  I am a bit amused at one of the responses from her, the  "you know find someone new, you can't be alone the rest of your life".  She is so blatantly obviously wrong on that count.  You could well be alone for the rest of your life, at least in the sense she means.  You could be alone as far as a love interest goes, and still have a full, complete life filled with wonderful friends, compassion, deep caring, and love.

That she wants to give advice about love, while at the same time she is so inconsiderate and uncaring in how she goes about saying it, is deeply ironic. 

Herc

My thoughts exactly! Although my heart breaks at the thought of my husband not coming back I find peace when I receive signs from him, not always though. There are many times I wish I was finding a penny and just thinking it was for good luck instead of it being my husband showing me he's with me, when I see a cardinal and just being able to admire how beautiful they are instead of it being him visiting me from heaven. Or when I heard our wedding song it was a reminder of our special day instead of crying because I will now spend anniversaries alone. 

I told myself last night, do not lash out at this woman for she has absolutely no idea how it feels to be sitting in the place I'm sitting now. Just because my husband passed away does not erase that love, that bond, our marriage, it simply makes it stronger in my opinion. It's not easy, as you know to get up everyday and be productive. 

I do appreciate your understanding and I hope you have a blessed day.

mrs.viden 

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KayC   
2 hours ago, Mrsviden said:

esterday in church I had testified and when I sat back down the lady behind me tapped me on the shoulder and said "oh was your husband terminal?" I said "yes he sure was" she then said "oh did y'all have kids", I said "no unfortunately we didn't get enough time for all that" she said "girl, you had all the time in the world" I just rolled my eyes and tried to focus on what I have learned from here and that's to just try and realize they don't really mean to hurt you. But it's what she said afterwards...she went on to ask if my husband gave me permission to move on, puzzled by the question I said "what do you mean move on" she said "you know find someone new, you can't be alone the rest of your life"

If it wasn't illegal, I would have slugged her!  Church or no church.  Grr!  Actually I probably would have sufficed to tell her "TOTALLY inappropriate response!!" and turned around.  Grr again!

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Meesh   

To all

It never ceases to amaze me how ignorant these lucky people (that have not been through what we have) can be, mrsviden i cannot believe the lady that said this grief was not as bad as divorce, what a stupid thing to say, i have been through both and as bad as a divorce is it is nothing compared to this torture, i am not a violent person but i want to smack her in the mouth for saying that on your behalf. Ive had an incident today at the supermarket, an aquaintance who knew both me and my partner asked me if i was ok, i replied no i'm not really ok, she said oh dear have you got a cold, i said no i avnt got a cold and asked her whether she knew what had happened to my partner and she said oh yes she said and you was the one that found him wasnt you (at the bottom of steps where he fell). It was like she meant that i had just found a stranger after the fall and not the love of my life, i just thought you stupid woman you have no idea how much we meant to each other and has to what i am going through, i am still annoyed about it and wished i had smacked her in the mouth, it would have been worth it i think. I try to forgive these silly people but find i cant, these people might have to go through the same as us one day and should think before they speak x

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Mrsviden   
2 hours ago, KayC said:

If it wasn't illegal, I would have slugged her!  Church or no church.  Grr!  Actually I probably would have sufficed to tell her "TOTALLY inappropriate response!!" and turned around.  Grr again!

People are just so so rude. I honestly couldn't believe the words coming out of her mouth! 

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Mrsviden   

Meesh, 

im so very sorry you had to experience some very harsh words said to you. It's very sad on how insensitive people are. It literally took everything I had in my body not to say something ugly in return or to snack her. I realize that they don't understand but still that doesn't give them a pass. 

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fzald   

I don't believe most people intend to cut so deep when they offer these "platitudes".

But like others have said, people are ignorant. Until you've faced the loss of someone you love to death, you can never truly understand the depth of loss. Even sometimes if you have lost someone to death, it can be hard to comprehend the depth of someone else's loss. I lost my father a few years ago, but I "grieved" relatively easily from his death, largely thanks to my girlfriend, who is now herself gone. 

I feel that the two hardest losses are your soulmate partner, and a child. Both of these are so unnatural, especially when they're young. My lovely girl died when she was only 22 short years old. She deserved at least 4 times that many years on this earth. 

People say some of these "mean" things mostly because death is definitely uncomfortable to think about. Most people live life without thinking very much about death, or they think about it from a comfortably far distance (such as in books or movies). We, the unfortunate ones of us in this "club", have no choice. We have seen death up close and personal and have felt the devastating effects. We don't get to avoid thinking about death. Other people see this in us and it makes them uncomfortable. Not because they don't care, but because it shakes their defense mechanism of avoiding thinking of death. People hear our stories and their first thoughts are "oh my god, what if that happened to ME! I couldn't handle that! Oh god, don't think about it." And then they try desperately to change the subject, offer ANYTHING to get their minds off of the horrible idea. 

Before she died, I remember doing this myself. Sometimes for some reason, a movie, a book, a story on the news, I would think "oh my god, what if MY girlfriend died? That'd be horrible! I'd be destroyed." And then I would do anything to get that thought out of my head. At the time I had no reason to think about her death. So if the thought came into my consciousness, I fought hard to push it away. Even when I had some premonitions of her death I pushed them away and ignored them. Think positive. Never think about people's death. "That's morbid!" someone might say if I mentioned what I had thought. "Don't think that way!" But now, with her actual passing, I have no choice. I HAVE to think that way, because it is now my reality. Others can no longer tell me "don't think that way" so they look for some other thing to say. "You'll find someone else". That one I get a lot lately. "You're young. You can make new friends and find a new girlfriend." Or "Life goes on, just keep busy and do things you love to do." I don't "love" doing anything anymore, that's the problem.

The feelings are something I would not ever want to impose upon anyone. No matter how much I disliked the person. This is a torture and an agony that no human soul deserves to feel. And at the same time, the fact that the majority of people DON'T know these feelings is frustrating because people try to frame our loss within THEIR experiences, and it doesn't work because those experiences don't include a horrific loss.

I don't know how any of us will get through this. One day, one hour, one minute at a time. It's been 7 weeks since I saw her alive and I'm still taking it hour by hour. I can't think about anything beyond tomorrow. People ask me if I would be willing to do something "next month" and I hesitate to answer. My girlfriend had appointments at work the week of January 30th, and instead she was buried that week. I find myself wondering what the point is. I could die tomorrow. I'd even welcome it. Should I keep fooling the world into thinking that I'll be here forever? My girlfriend WANTED to be here, and she didn't get to stay. I don't want to stay and I am here.

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Mrsviden   

Fzald

when my husband wAs sick and in the hospital I remember thinking I don't have enough time in the day to take care of everything. Now I have all the time in the world and I don't WANT to do anything. It's very easy for someone on the outside to say oh just get up and do this or do that. They don't understand how paralyzing this feeling of losing our partner is. 

I have a calendar on my fridge and it still has January's events on it, like when my husband was set to come home from the hospital, when his next doctors appointment is, when home health is coming. I can't find it in me to erase it, just because I feel like that will be another way of having to come to terms with he's not coming back. (Those words still sting) 

This Friday, Saturday, Sunday is revival at church and I feel like I can't make a commitment to that solely based on I don't know how I will be. I don't do anything unless it's absolutely important and even then a lot of coaching has to go into it. 

This is just so unfair and I don't know why we didn't get 50 years together instead of 12. Am I glad I even had that long, of course, but it's never long enough. There's a song called forever by rascal flatts and it says that "we were just getting started, then goes on to say it wasn't long enough but it was long enough to last forever. 

truth is none of us will ever be that happy again, we will never be who we were with them, and that's ok. 

I find it hard to do anything, cook, clean, work out, none of that is fun anymore. Work out brings back too many memories of us and I can't continue, cooking is just depressing because it's just me and I don't have him here. Cleaning is something I always did, but now I feel as if I have no energy to do it. I'm just exhausted. 

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I don't want to hear what others have to say. Some people are sensitive enough and the majority just try but end up saying the wrong things anyway. Now, I just keep to myself and run to this forum. People see me post snap chat photos on my fb or snapchat so they think oh she's fine now and then when I get a grief attack and express it on my posts they're confused. Ugh. They don't understand and I get tired of explaining so I just don't anymore.

Everyone of his family and my family members have their significant other to comfort them. I don't. I loss mine. They just don't see that. 

I get those paralyzing moments. But, I somehow find the strength to get up and throw myself in the shower. That only happens when I think of all the hating bastards out there that say I deserve it because I left him to die. I didn't. I was doing my best to love him even when his mother and father were clawing down my throat from their dumb assumptions. They think I wanted to finish him off for life insurance when I had none! They did!

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Andy   

Mrsviden, 

I'm sorry for the sorrow and pain you're suffering, the loss you've had to endure, and, apparently, inane comments. 

Most people really don't have the context to offer anything useful other than the expected offerings of condolences. I envy them, wish I didn't have the proper context, but I don't envy the part of their brain that fails to monitor inappropriateness and tasteless rhetoric. Some people really do want to help, they just don't know how. Others, well, it's best that they remain silent. 

"Move on", that's just silly. "You're young, you'll find someone new". Equally silly but very dismissive of your love and commitment. It's as if your goldfish died, just go out and find another one, you know, because people are interchangeable and identical. Frustrating. 

I wish you the best, may you find peace and comfort, 

Andy

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Mrsviden   
32 minutes ago, Chasisdope said:

I don't want to hear what others have to say. Some people are sensitive enough and the majority just try but end up saying the wrong things anyway. Now, I just keep to myself and run to this forum. People see me post snap chat photos on my fb or snapchat so they think oh she's fine now and then when I get a grief attack and express it on my posts they're confused. Ugh. They don't understand and I get tired of explaining so I just don't anymore.

Everyone of his family and my family members have their significant other to comfort them. I don't. I loss mine. They just don't see that. 

I'm very sorry to hear of your loss. I do know what you are speaking of personally about his side of the family. My in laws haven't been the kindest people to me (angry because they weren't on the life insurance policies) (angry because I let him have visitors during his final days) I post on Facebook and my instagram pictures of him close to every day and I will never apologize for that. One of the hardest things in all of this is that at the end of the day most people get to go home to their spouse/partner/whoever it may be, but I don't. That's the really unfair part of it all. 

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Mrsviden   

Andy, 

thank you for your response. These are all things I'm slowly figuring out. I have learned the hurtful part is most people will dismiss your grief, maybe it's because they don't care or maybe it's just because they don't know how to deal with it. I tend to lean towards the second opinion(on a good day) but catch me on a bad day and it's definitely the first one. 

I think I've also learned that the people who say oh I'm here for you, sometimes really aren't. They don't really care to hear about what kind of day you're having, I've texted a girl who I thought was my close friend about really struggling and needing to talk and I never got a response, and that was 2 weeks ago. We live right next door to one another and we've seen one another outside and she's not came over to talk. So of course I've shut myself off and just need to erase that out of my life. Accept she doesn't care to listen or help me and that's that. 

I had one incident where my washer went out a couple weekends ago and I had to buy a new one, well delivery at the store was booked up and my husbands truck has a cap on the back that would be more hassle to take off, SO I texted her and asked her if her husband would help me and I offered to pay him $150, she simply came back with he said "no" I was devastated, because it made me wish I never had to figure out how to get it home and set up and get the old one out. 

Long story short, people are very selfish and that's a tough pill to swallow, very much like day to day life without my husband. 

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fzald   

I used to work out sometimes with my girl. I remember one time we went to the gym near work together last summer. After that we came outside and it was an absolutely beautiful evening. A gentle warm breeze, that great smell in the air that I can't describe. We were going to go home because we were tired from working out. She said "hey, let's not go home yet. Let's sit here for a while and hang out." We sat on a bench outside the gym. We held hands. We enjoyed the beautiful weather. We talked and talked until it was dark and getting chilly. Even then we just moved closer. Before we knew it, it was after 9 at night. We'd sat there for a few hours. We only left because it was getting colder and we had work in the morning.

Moments like that. Just signs of how much she enjoyed being with me, how much in love we were. She didn't want to leave me. She wanted to stay and talk and we did that for hours. 

She gave so much to me. Now I have nothing.

I miss her so much.

 

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fzald   

Mrsviden,

Like I've said, death is uncomfortable. Nobody wants to face death in the real world. People can do some horribly insensitive things when they feel uncomfortable, not because theyre outwardly malicious, but because they don't know how to handle it and they are trying desperately to avoid it.

I just had a fleeting thought, feeling even a little excited for tomorrow, but I realized it was denial again, because my thought was "I should ask my girl if she wants this particular place for lunch tomorrow." 

Those ways of life were so routine. I still haven't been able to break it. The thing is if she had been here, I would be able to adapt. We would be adapting together. But without her I cling to my old life and can't accept the loss of it, I even still subconsciously think it's not real and plan accordingly, until my logical mind kicks my emotions in the shin and then the pain hits again.

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Mrsviden   
2 hours ago, fzald said:

I used to work out sometimes with my girl. I remember one time we went to the gym near work together last summer. After that we came outside and it was an absolutely beautiful evening. A gentle warm breeze, that great smell in the air that I can't describe. We were going to go home because we were tired from working out. She said "hey, let's not go home yet. Let's sit here for a while and hang out." We sat on a bench outside the gym. We held hands. We enjoyed the beautiful weather. We talked and talked until it was dark and getting chilly. Even then we just moved closer. Before we knew it, it was after 9 at night. We'd sat there for a few hours. We only left because it was getting colder and we had work in the morning.

Moments like that. Just signs of how much she enjoyed being with me, how much in love we were. She didn't want to leave me. She wanted to stay and talk and we did that for hours. 

She gave so much to me. Now I have nothing.

I miss her so much.

 

I know exactly how you feel, working out is something my husband and I did every day together, we'd leave the gym together, hand in hand and so happy. I know the memories you have of the both of you are painful ones, they are for me too, but someday you'll look on that day she asked not to go home just yet and be thankful the two of you sat there and just enjoyed each other's company. 

My husband and I enjoyed going for walks downtown and sitting at the benches by the springs and just talking and being together after a long week. 

I too feel as if my husband gave me so much, I would often say I don't know what I did to deserve him, but I was always glad he had chosen me. 

Each day is another day I'm absolutely heartbroken at the thought he is no longer here, I miss him more and more everyday. 

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fzald   

Sometimes I find myself berating myself. Earlier on in our relationship I was not always as "nice" as I should have been. I had come off a bad relationship, and even though it was a couple years prior to this one, I still carried some resent and trust issues. My girl, bless her heart, was so perceptive and saw right through me. At first though I would sometimes be harsh with her, telling her not to try to be my shrink and things like that. Through it all she was still patient with me. Once I had opened up to her she helped me work through these issues, offering to do what she could for me. She gave so much of herself to me. She helped shape me into a better person.

But now she is gone.

What if this is simultaneously her reward for fixing me and my punishment for having been mean to her early on?

Just when everything was good. I improved myself. She helped with that. She did good deeds every day. She gave me a gift, but all I want to do is share her gift with her. I don't want to be good "for the next person." I want to be good for her. 

It's almost like she was content that she "fixed" me and thus it was her time to go. But how? She may have fixed me, but her death broke me even worse than I was before. 

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Mrsviden   

Fzald: 

please do not beat yourself up by thinking that you deserve this kind of pain by the way you were when the relationship first started. I know that's much easier said than done, because I do the same thing. Again, look at her in such a way where she made you feel comfortable enough to finally open up and actually help you work through some things. It is not punishment on your part, no one deserves this. I don't know if this is why to your question but perhaps that is why she came into your life, to show you what true love, true relationship was all about and when you became that person she knew you could be, she looked at it as ok it's time for me to go now. 

Again im not a physiologist or anything, but that's just the way I see it. Be thankful to have had the greatest love and hang on to that. I know it doesn't help by me telling you this, but she is very much still with you through everything. 

Im really sorry for your loss.

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KMB   
22 hours ago, Mrsviden said:

Fzald

when my husband wAs sick and in the hospital I remember thinking I don't have enough time in the day to take care of everything. Now I have all the time in the world and I don't WANT to do anything. It's very easy for someone on the outside to say oh just get up and do this or do that. They don't understand how paralyzing this feeling of losing our partner is. 

I have a calendar on my fridge and it still has January's events on it, like when my husband was set to come home from the hospital, when his next doctors appointment is, when home health is coming. I can't find it in me to erase it, just because I feel like that will be another way of having to come to terms with he's not coming back. (Those words still sting) 

This Friday, Saturday, Sunday is revival at church and I feel like I can't make a commitment to that solely based on I don't know how I will be. I don't do anything unless it's absolutely important and even then a lot of coaching has to go into it. 

This is just so unfair and I don't know why we didn't get 50 years together instead of 12. Am I glad I even had that long, of course, but it's never long enough. There's a song called forever by rascal flatts and it says that "we were just getting started, then goes on to say it wasn't long enough but it was long enough to last forever. 

truth is none of us will ever be that happy again, we will never be who we were with them, and that's ok. 

I find it hard to do anything, cook, clean, work out, none of that is fun anymore. Work out brings back too many memories of us and I can't continue, cooking is just depressing because it's just me and I don't have him here. Cleaning is something I always did, but now I feel as if I have no energy to do it. I'm just exhausted. 

Mrsviden--------this post of yours touched me so much. It is a replica of my life. I am in so much pain that is unbearable. I'm totally drained and just trying to get through it day by day.

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Mrsviden   

KMB, 

Today the pain is as if I'm drowning, my heart is absolutely broken into a million pieces and I realize this is real. I took a drive to the next town over on the same road my husband and I used to ride our Harley om, those memories came flooding back like a tsunami, how is it possible that I am now considered a widow? How is it that he's not here anymore? How is it that'll Ill never wake up next to him again? It's just not fair. Many prayers go out to you 

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KayC   

I'm sorry it's so hard for you both right now.  I don't have any answers, just lots of hugs...

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KMB   

Mrsviden---Thank you. KayC----Thank you. This is so darn tough. I've been on a rant today. The one friend who has stuck by me called earlier and let me rant. I've never used the *F* word so much in my life as I have today. My friend told me that people are just self-centered in this world. Until they have a loss, then all of a sudden, they want their sympathy. If I have to let go of people in my life because of their insensitivity, then I just do.

Maybe I will end up the proverbial old woman living in a house filled with pets. At least animals are loyal, always comforting and great listeners.

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KayC   

I've never been one to use the Fword.  My son says it's for people without much vocabulary, it does seem to be a use all word.  However, maybe there's some kind of therapy whereby you chant it over and over and over and it helps you feel better.  At least vent and get the frustrations out!

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