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Coping Methods which didn't work for me.. is it normal??


Steve Cavanaugh

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Steve Cavanaugh

I joined this forum to find a way to cope and all you guys have been so kind and caring. Whenever I'm here, I feel so good, so at peace but we obviously can't be glued to our laptops and phone the entire day so we have to find other methods.

1) May sound stupid  but alcohol is the WORST method to cope. Trust me. At first, I used to drink a lot of alcohol to momentarily forget the pain. And at first, it was so good. When I was totally high and not in my senses, I used to see her. I could feel her and touch her and I even heard her voice but once I woke up, I had that terrible hangover and headache and I didn't see her any more, it was like seeing her being snatched away all over again. It was too much to bear.

2) Talking to family and friends: Almost all of you may disagree but this one method helps zero, at least for me. After Sophia died, I was so mad at my family and friends. My best friend was so supportive and caring, constantly saying, "I understand buddy". And I just lost it with him one day. I told him, "Stop pretending that you understand because I know you don't. How could you? You haven't lost a girlfriend or a best friend." The poor guy was trying his best to be there for me but those words " I understand" really get my goat. Everyone tries their best but I get so angry. Even my family, my lovely sisters and brothers try to be as supportive as they can but when I see my oldest brother with his wife or the other brother with his girlfriend and my sisters with their boyfriends, I get so so wild. I feel so guilty about losing my temper. I hurt my mother's feelings so bad one day that I still feel so sad about it. Sophia would have hated me for saying that. My Mum found me crying in my room and she came and just stroked my hair and said the usual, "It's okay baby. I understand." Those two words just trigger the beast within me. I shouted out, "No Mom. Stop bloody saying that. How could you understand  my pain of losing my to-be-wife, my best friend when you and Dad have been married 27 years and my Sophia was 26 when she died?"

3) Dating: Seems funny I know. But my friends have been after me saying that it's been a year, move on. So they put me on these blind dates and it's not like I didn't try.. I'll try anything which gives me relief.. But whenever I see those girls, I get so so so upset. I just start calculating the ways in which those stupid girls aren't like my Sophia.

4) Crying myself sleep: this is one method which works for everyone but failed miserably for me.. I tried it too. But the whole reality that there won't be any text or call from her or that she won't call to wake me up in the morning hits me and it gets unbearable. So I work my backside off till I am too tired and I just fall asleep..

 

 

I just wanted to share because these are the methods which normally seem to work for people, but haven't for me. Is it normal??

And am I a terrible person for being so harsh to my friends and Mum??

 

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Family and friends...most of us have someone that is of support or help, however, they can vary wildly, so it is good to point out that not ALL family/friends will be of help.  Unless they've been through it themselves, they won't get it.  My sisters cannot begin to comprehend what I've been through, however, they HAVE been a good support to me, as they care.  My kids too.  I'm able to freely talk to them about George, they knew and loved him, they loved all of his quirks and the things that made him HIM.  It helps me to be able to talk to someone who knew him and loved him.

Alcohol is cautioned against because the last thing we need is a depressant as we're trying to adjust to and cope with this loss and what it means to us in our lives.  We have our hands full without the added burden of further depression.

Although I haven't heard "crying yourself to sleep" as a recommendation, I think most of us have done it.  How to avoid it would be a whole other topic...not sure we can always control our crying responses.  Maybe some can, I'm sure many cannot.

I wouldn't personally recommend dating soon.  It's not fair to the people you'd date for one thing, we're not in a frame of mind to be objective, let alone appreciative.  We have a lot to work out within ourselves before we're in a state of readiness.  And I learned the hard way it's not good to get into a relationship when you're vulnerable.  Not to mention it's usually done to avoid grief, and in the end, the grief is still staring you in the face, waiting to be dealt with.  I ended up married to a con man that never lived with me but used my credit to the tune of $57,000.00...I'll be paying it back with interest until I'm 80.  Apparently it's legal if you're married.  ???  The cops did nothing about any of his thefts of me.  Had I not been so vulnerable I never would have hooked up with him, he wasn't even my type.  I'd lost my husband and all of my friends disappeared and my brain was deep in fog.  NOT recommended!  But you're of age, you can do what you want.  Just CAUTION is the key!

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Steven---I feel all of us or most can relate to your post. We want the pain to end. We want our beloveds and our life back. It is a harsh, brutal reality to try to come to terms with the undeniable fact, that death is permanent. That glorious, wonderful chapter of our life with that special person is over.

Alcohol is the worst method for coping. I tried it myself. My husband and I didn't have alcohol very much. I would have the occasional glass of wine. My husband would have the occasional beer. A few months back I tried the heavier drinking. I didn't get any sleep and the next day was brutal to get through with the hangover and lack of sleep. I do have the occasional small glass of wine.I admit, it mixes well with the generic Zzquil I use just to manage a couple hours of sleep.

Talking to family/friends. That is a mixed bag for everyone. We have a small family. Only one member is willing to let me ramble on. Friends---you sure find out who the real ones are. Out of all the people my husband and I had in our life, only one is still keeping in constant contact.

Unless someone we know has gone through the same type of loss, people don't get it. It is not their fault. They are just not equipped with the experience and knowledge and the accompanying pain. I haven't lashed out at anyone---yet. It takes a lot of anger, hurt, bitterness, to lash out. I have come close. But I stop myself and work hard at not doing that. It is not others fault they don't get it. There is nothing anyone can say or do to fix our situation. They want to, but are unable to.

Personally, dating is not for me. I gave everything in me to my husband. I know that I will never be capable of doing that with another person again.We need time to grieve. We need time to put in the hard work and effort in rebuilding ourselves and a different life.

No one is going to be like your Sophia. She was unique. One of a kind. It has only been a year for you. Give yourself time. Be patient and kind to yourself. You are very vulnerable yet. Maybe, some years down the road, you'll meet someone who has qualities you'll admire that compliment your personality. I don't think that Sophia would want you to be alone the rest of your life. But, give yourself time to find your way back to you and the rest will fall into place. Wishing you peace and comfort.

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I have deliberately avoided alcohol, even socially. I don't think it'll help me. I used to be an occasional social drinker and even would get buzzed with my girlfriend, there was a ton of fun in us bot being loosened up a little. We would have some of our most off-the-wall and hilarious conversations over a few drinks. But we didn't do it often.

I only really have one family member who knew my girlfriend well enough to truly let me talk about her a lot, and that's my mom. But she also has had her own issues with grief, as my dad passed away a few years ago and she has never truly grieved deeply, so now she's effectively grieving my dad's loss, my girlfriend's loss and the changes in me that have resulted. She's not always able to be that present for me.

People have asked me about dating again. I can't imagine it right now. It's the furthest thing from my mind. Right now if I were to date I would try to force them into the same shell my girlfriend was in. I would compare the person every step of the way. That's not fair. I know that no matter what happens from here on out, the experiences I shared with my girl will never again be shared the same way. Even if I could "make new memories" with someone else doing the same kinds of things, it will never be anywhere near the same as it was with her. She is the one I gave my heart and soul to. 

I do think she would want me to go on and find someone else if I could. She did say one time that she was so happy at how I had improved myself, and said "I don't plan to break up with you ever, but I have to say this, if for some reason we ever do have to part, I hope you'll keep with you what I've helped you with for the next person." That line made me almost a little annoyed when she said it, but now it makes me cry. She was so selfless. She was able to say that she wanted me, but if that wasn't to be then she would want to know she made someone else's life beyond me better. I can't date now. I don't know if or when I'll be able to. But I think she would want me to try to find new love, I just hope she'll understand that it's not going to happen anytime soon, and it'll never replace or even come close to what she and I shared. We shared a one of a kind love, something so unique and special that anything I do from now on will have to share room in my heart with what we had.

As for crying, yes, crying can help. But I also have found I can't cry even when I want to. Sometimes I can put on a sad song and it will give me a lump in my throat, enough to get the tears started. But that doesn't always work either. Crying is supposed to help take bad chemicals out of the body and also can use up some negative energy and help you relax in the end. I dunno. I wish I could cry more sometimes because I have felt better after a good cry, but it doesn't often come. 

The only world I truly want to live in is the one where my love survives and is OK and we are together and happy. That's not the world I got put in. It's hard to think of how this life will ever have any true meaning for me ever again. It's very much "going through the motions" now, but eventually I have to start planning for the future that I was supposed to share with her, and now will never get to. 

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Steven

9 hours ago, Steven J Cavanaugh said:

And am I a terrible person for being so harsh to my friends and Mum??

No you are not being harsh.  Grief has a way of changing our 'normal' selves.  Grief comes on in waves with no time limits.  When you're driving alone in your car; while you're doing the dishes; while you're getting ready for work....all of a sudden it hits you - how so very much you miss that special someone and your breath catches, and your tears flow, and the sadness is so great that it's physically painful. You lash out to anyone who is around you; know it not you, it's that Grief Reaper.

Your first method was a downer and I'm glad you realize it before you were do deep to recover. Your second method - friendship - unfortunately, a real disappointment.  I always thought true friends aren't the ones who made your problems disappear; they were the ones who didn't  disappear when you're facing problems.  My so called 'true' friends turned out to be fake friends; you know the kind.  They follow you in the sun, but leave you in the dark.  Well, you can imagine what mine did.  Your third method - dating.  Trying to move on with your life doesn't mean you forget about things.  It just means you have accepted what happened and continue living.  It's not as if you're closing the book; you're turning the page to another chapter. Only you will know if and when the time is right. 

10 hours ago, Steven J Cavanaugh said:

4) Crying myself sleep: this is one method which works for everyone but failed miserably for me.. I tried it too. But the whole reality that there won't be any text or call from her or that she won't call to wake me up in the morning hits me and it gets unbearable. So I work my backside off till I am too tired and I just fall asleep..

Your method four - crying.  While it works for me, it's not something I set out to do.  It has a mind of its own and the tears just flow - generally at night - the time I miss him the most, when everything is quiet and the silence reminds me that I'm not sleeping next to him.  For me, that is when reality sets in.   When you think about your 'new' reality - you miss her - because she made you smile, because she was kind; because she was sweet; because she was funny and most of all, because you won't be able to text her anymore - That why.

I pray that God gives you the strength needed to get through is difficult time in your life.

 

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The only thing that really works for me is having our three year old daughter around. I'm okay when she's with me. I sleep okay and eat okay. But when my husband's parents pick her up for the weekend, I lose myself. I can't sleep nor eat. I weep like a baby. My mind, heart, and body physically hurts from all of it. 

I do drink a glass of wine to help ease my anxiety. If our little girl isn't around, I get anxious. I feel like I have to drive out there and go and find him! And that's exactly what I did today. I drove around to his favorite fishing spots. My mind knows he's not here but it's my body that's longing for his being to be near. It's worst than an addiction to drugs. I remember weaning off of my gabapentin, I'd shake and go through all these withdrawal symptoms. 

I honestly don't know how much more of this I can take. I have been thinking about suicide a lot lately but I know that life insurance doesn't cover that and I can't leave my kids with nothing. I feel so guilty that I feel so weak. He was my everything. He kept me sane. He was my security blanket. He was the one who would be there for me if anything and now I don't have him. 

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It is like drug withdrawal.

ive never been on drugs so I can't say this for sure but if this is anything like actual withdrawal from drugs, I understand why it's so agonizing for those people.

Maybe it actually is a drug. The feelings of being in love and feeling so happy are caused by chemicals in our brains. Maybe we are all actually in chemical withdrawal...

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Alcohol is not a method of coping, it's a method of denial. I know first hand.
I can talk to my stepdaughter as she has lost the same person. More difficult with friends, fortunately noone said to be they would "understand". I can see why this makes you angry.
Dating would also be a method of denial. I can't see myself with any other person ever right now. Maybe this changes for some people after a period of time or when they suddenly meet someone really special. But actively going on blind dates sounds like running away, not coping.
When my wife's mom died, her father removed all of her pictures and her stuff from the house. A few months later a new woman moved in. It was hell for my wife who was 13 back then, but knowing him now I know that he was just running away. He never wants to deal with any problems or issues, he just pretends they don't exist.
Crying to sleep is not a method of coping for me. It just happens, as well as there are triggers during the day that could cause me to cry. It's no relief, it's just a result of the pain I feel.

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Marcel-----This is such a long, lonely road we are on. We are reduced to finding our own coping skills. My husband was my comforter, my best friend. Now, I have to try to figure things out for myself. I have tried the heavy drinking myself and learned the hard way that isn't the answer. So now, I do take a tiny juice glass of wine to bed with me just to take the edge off. I hate this time of the evening. I will hate it to the end of my days. My husband should be here. We should be settled in, watching tv together, sleeping in our bed together.

Instead, I take sips of wine, watch a little tv and write long letters to my husband. I've been told by grief support and books to develop new routines. I guess, for evening, this is mine.

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