its been 2 years

[notreality]

it was two years on february,sometime around valentines day. it makes me feel bad i dont remember the exact date. the day it happened i didnt even get to talk to him,my mom took me to school that morning,he usually did. i was a sophomore in high school at the time if you were wondering. i haven't dealt with it,i mean,i dont know how. ever since the day it happened ive ignored that its happened,like i know it happened,but i push it out of my brain. that day i remember my sister in law had picked me up,and my mom was sitting in the front seat,they were crying and she told me my dad died,so i started crying. when we got to my house my brother was there,he looked emotionless,even though he wasn't,he always kept a straight face,ive never seen him cry. that night the boy that i was speaking to at the time slept over,to help me cope,i guess. i didn't want to be alone. i dont know why but we had sex that night,maybe its because its what we did when we were together,it was just normal,and i wanted things to be normal,but thinking back on it i just feel ashamed and dirty.

   backstory on my dad....he fought in the vietnam war,he had three other kids besides me,although im the only one he was involved with. (the other two and their mom did shitty things,i wont get into it) and my brother...ill talk about that later.  i keep wanting to get off track and wanting to talk about what i miss about him,im trying to stay on track and finally get this out,i dont know if anyone will even read this. my dad was addicted to heroine at one point,he overdosed in the bathroom once when i was little and after that i guess he quit. hes been shot,stabbed,been to prison,hes gone to other countries. hes done a lot. 

  my obsession with boys is what did my dad in i think,or part of it at least. my dad was the more lenient one,but he didn't like the boys i chose to date. he'd rather me hangout with girls,like a normal girl. my mom didn't like the girls i chose to hang with. when my mom was a teenager all of her friends were boys,and she didn't understand why i had so many girl-friends. my mom was the one who let boys sleepover and let me go out with them,and my dad hated it. i know some people will think thats weird,i mean it is i guess,at the time it seemed harmless. i wasn't a bad kid,i didn't party or get drunk,i smoked weed but that was about it. none of it fucked me over,im currently in a healthy long term relationship,i have a job,and im about to graduate,but i think everything got to be too much for him. he overdosed,i dont think he was trying to.

 a week before he died i had tweeted "i wish my dad would just shut up" because i wanted to listen to my music. one time i was so mad at him for not letting him sleepover at my friends house i told him i couldn't wait till him and my mom died,that was the first time i ever saw him cry. now i hate myself,i miss him so much. i miss the stories he would tell,i miss his voice,i miss him calling me linda,i miss his hugs and his jokes. i was always embarassed of him because he was on an oxygen tank,but now id do anything to be around him. he was the one who took care of my dog when i was at school,he hated dogs but he loved her. she followed him everywhere,when he would watch tv in the bedroom on the bed she would lay between his legs,when he was in the living room she was right by him. he took her outside and stayed out there with her to make sure nothing would happen to her. 

  whenever i needed him he was there,but i didn't even appreciate him. now hes gone and im starting to forget the little details of his face,the sound of his voice is getting fainter. i need him so much and hes not here and i don't think im ever going to be ok. 

thank you if you read all of this,ive never talked about this to anyone so i thought maybe getting my feelings out and connecting with people who have also lost like me would help.

[reader]

Dear notreality,

My deepest condolences and sympathies on the passing of your dad. I'm so sorry for you loss. I think losing a parent is one of the most difficult things that any of us can go through. I think it takes a lot of time to work through all the raw emotions associated with the loss. I'm glad you are here to share your story and get support.

Please also consider speaking with a bereavement counselor or joining a support group. There are many community resources or consider accessing some resources through the church. You are not alone. Please know we are all here to support you.

 

[The Girl]

It sounds like your dad was a loving father.  Whatever your dad in the past - heroin, prison, whatever, none of it speaks to how he was as a father.  I know ex felons and I know heroin addicts, and I know neither say anything of their true character.  You say he died of an overdose...nothing you did had any control over that.  It's a strong addiction, and I know addicts with young children who love their kids more than anything but can't get out of it.  It has nothing to do with the people they love, but is more the fault of a lack of resources available to them.  I know someone who oded the day after seeking out help, b/c he was turned away.  It's an epidemic, and above all, it's a health issue on a national level.  Please don't blame yourself for something that was out of your hands. 

Your dad was a teenager once, too.  Even if you've said words that hurt him, I'm sure he's been there.  The **** I've said to my parents at that age...yikes.  I lost my mom last Feb and I don't think she took it personally after the fight.  B/c it's normal.  Even if your dad had never said anything directly to his parents, I'm sure he's thought it before.  

You said your dad fought in Nam.  There are Vietnam vets all over the place who still struggle with PTSD.  It's not uncommon to turn to drugs or alcohol, or other forms of escapism.  Your dad may have had demons from the war he didn't share with you.  

It's perfectly normal to lean on those forms of escapism while grieving as well.  As you've said, sex is also one of them.  During my mom's funeral, many of my friends and some of my family were drinking beer in the parking lot.  I actually had a few people show up with cases in the trunks of their cars assuming it would be needed.  After the funeral, we had the wake at my parent's house and drank til 4 am, including my dad who hardly ever drinks.  Sometimes we want to feel numb, or just separate ourselves from the tragic reality of it all.  And from time to time, if it isn't harming anyone, that's okay.  

It's only been a month for me, but talking on here has helped some.  As Reader has shared, there are places available for you to express those feelings.  Just the other day, I ordered a journal to write in about what I'm going through after losing my mom.  The week leading up to her funeral, I poured myself into making a 4 hour playlist to honor her at the funeral...that was especially comforting to me.  Music hits you so hard when you're sad, but it's good to get those feelings out.  

You'll grieve in your own way.  But when you do find something that helps, run with it.  

[notreality]

16 hours ago, reader said:

Dear notreality,

My deepest condolences and sympathies on the passing of your dad. I'm so sorry for you loss. I think losing a parent is one of the most difficult things that any of us can go through. I think it takes a lot of time to work through all the raw emotions associated with the loss. I'm glad you are here to share your story and get support.

Please also consider speaking with a bereavement counselor or joining a support group. There are many community resources or consider accessing some resources through the church. You are not alone. Please know we are all here to support you.

 

ive done counseling before and it makes me feel awkward /: i think thats why i chose to post here cause i feel bad putting my sadness on my friends and family 

[notreality]

6 hours ago, The Girl said:

It sounds like your dad was a loving father.  Whatever your dad in the past - heroin, prison, whatever, none of it speaks to how he was as a father.  I know ex felons and I know heroin addicts, and I know neither say anything of their true character.  You say he died of an overdose...nothing you did had any control over that.  It's a strong addiction, and I know addicts with young children who love their kids more than anything but can't get out of it.  It has nothing to do with the people they love, but is more the fault of a lack of resources available to them.  I know someone who oded the day after seeking out help, b/c he was turned away.  It's an epidemic, and above all, it's a health issue on a national level.  Please don't blame yourself for something that was out of your hands. 

Your dad was a teenager once, too.  Even if you've said words that hurt him, I'm sure he's been there.  The **** I've said to my parents at that age...yikes.  I lost my mom last Feb and I don't think she took it personally after the fight.  B/c it's normal.  Even if your dad had never said anything directly to his parents, I'm sure he's thought it before.  

You said your dad fought in Nam.  There are Vietnam vets all over the place who still struggle with PTSD.  It's not uncommon to turn to drugs or alcohol, or other forms of escapism.  Your dad may have had demons from the war he didn't share with you.  

It's perfectly normal to lean on those forms of escapism while grieving as well.  As you've said, sex is also one of them.  During my mom's funeral, many of my friends and some of my family were drinking beer in the parking lot.  I actually had a few people show up with cases in the trunks of their cars assuming it would be needed.  After the funeral, we had the wake at my parent's house and drank til 4 am, including my dad who hardly ever drinks.  Sometimes we want to feel numb, or just separate ourselves from the tragic reality of it all.  And from time to time, if it isn't harming anyone, that's okay.  

It's only been a month for me, but talking on here has helped some.  As Reader has shared, there are places available for you to express those feelings.  Just the other day, I ordered a journal to write in about what I'm going through after losing my mom.  The week leading up to her funeral, I poured myself into making a 4 hour playlist to honor her at the funeral...that was especially comforting to me.  Music hits you so hard when you're sad, but it's good to get those feelings out.  

You'll grieve in your own way.  But when you do find something that helps, run with it.  

thank you for this,really. i needed to hear this. i have a journal i write in occasionally,but it is nice to get a response back sometimes. im sorry for your loss,going through this is soo painful,like i thought i had so much time left with him. you think you're parents are going to be around forever,reality hurts. do you and your dad talk about it? i know my mom is in a lot of pain still about it but i dont talk about him with her because everytime i talk about him i cry

[The Girl]

I haven't talked about it much with my dad.  He's not the emotional type and my family tends to internalize their grief...cry on the inside while silently suffering.  I understand having a hard time talking to you mom.  I haven't called my dad since after the funeral, but need to soon.  Crying can be oddly therapeutic.  It's just emotions that have to come out eventually.  There will always be triggers, and sad, miserable days just b/c.  It just won't be this constantly devastating forever.