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My thoughts


Wearenotalone

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Wearenotalone

I was thinking the other day... that we are missing our loved ones so much. Our life-line, our partner.. our everything. 
But that now that we are alone, and they left, we have to suffer a lifetime of pain and of missing the other so much. It makes me think that it's better that I suffer, than him. He would have to live a long life of what we are experiencing now. And though they had pain mentally and physically because we have to watch them suffer. It is better that they are in a better place now, and that the suffering is not anymore for them now. I can't say we are doing the hard part, because what he has been through... I wish, I wish I was the one dying slowly of that cancer. But he doesn't have to suffer anymore and mentally, they are in a different dimension now.. I really believe no one ever really dies... there is so much that we can't explain and so much that has happened that cannot be coincidence. We just have to do what we have to do. Because we don't have a choice. I think that. I think that I have no choice to kill myself, or I cannot choose to die. And so I suffer, I stay in between living and dying all over again and again. Knowing damn well how much it will damage my mental mind... I look forward to something that will happen naturally. Because somehow my body is so strong. I can withstand so much pain, and my heart just keeps beating. I wish to die but I still live. So I just wonder how much it can take.

But then I have the responsibility to take care of myself, and to respect his name and not wish for anything like this. He wanted to have a second chance so bad. And somehow evilness in this world took him away. And somehow, we have to stay even stronger to our faith. Because nothing else gets us through now than knowing that they are somewhere doing a more important job here in this world. I really question everything now and I realized really, that life is more evil, than good. It is easy to break a 10 year relationship just by cheating. It is easy to break a glass but to preserve it... it's so hard. It is easy to throw clothes around and not fold it. But it is so hard to keep everything neat and in place. When you are happy, it means that you have balanced everything out in your life, financially, mentally, physically, friendships, and relationships. But then you just live, and never stand still and appreciate everything. Until one day you experience something so bad, you "wake" up. Maybe the happy time is taken for granted, or you ask yourself what you've done wrong to deserve this but there is no answer. It's unfair. Life is unfair. But then I can't complain... and I won't.... but it is really unforgiving.... And now I don't care anymore about anything.... and they tell me how would he want me to be or to feel... How would he wanted me to live? And I can think of the answers, I know them, but I just feel so helpless and so despaired. It doesn't matter how I live anymore, because he is not here.   
This is my bottom. And it is so deep. I can't find my way back up, and I can't see a light. I am so damaged, scattered... I am nothing anymore. I feel like going crazy but I am sane, I feel like dying but I live, I feel numb and everything at once. And no one is here with me now. My family, his family... they care so much. And I don't feel that it matters. I know that it matters. I just don't feel it. But it matter a lot, if not, everything.. And I helps me. But I everytime I realize, that he is not here anymore and will never be... I go back to square one and its helpless. Nothing matters to me anymore. 

I realize that if I want to live this life (because I have no choice anyway), and I think of the things that are happening now, like "friends" leaving me alone and saying there are there but there not. How can I ever want to talk to them again normally when I'm better? I know I will be one day, because the one thing I learned from this all, is that everything and everyone is temporary... only love is forever. How can I ever want to be friends with them? I see other people having social contacts just to be social, but now I feel like that's such a waste of my time. And it is. I should just really listen to myself to what I want and need. But then sometimes I wish I had good friends around me, and I wish they were there to support me. I just haven't met them yet and I feel like everyone backs out when they find out I don't have friends of my own. Or am I being paranoid?

Funny how this became my diary. And you, stranger, reads it. Thank you internet. I won't feel shame... just a relief that I can talk to people who knows exactly what I am going through.... I feel you all, really. And I am really really thankful that this forum exists. Like I know you all already much better than people I know 10 years... and we are bonded by this experience. This unspeakable pain. 
Sigh... tomorrow I will be one day older, one step closer to death. To him. Meanwhile I will try.... keep trying to make it a better day. 
 

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Wearenotalone----Yes, you will keep trying. You will keep trying, minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day. We have your back. We hear and understand.

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Wearenotalone,

Thank you for sharing with us.  We are here for you however we can be.  I also understand the healing nature of just having people who will listen and truly get what I am saying.  I hope you continue to find this comfort and peace in sharing with us,

Herc

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Steve Cavanaugh

You aren't alone. We are all together in an unspoken way. We're all a family. I like it here. We don't know each other but understand each other so well. Finding solace in strangers is so much more helpful than in friends and family.. We are all here for you.. May you be at peace.

 

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Wearnotalone

I feel your pain and am so sorry for your loss.  I hope knowing he is no longer in pain or no longer suffering gives you a little comfort.  You are correct, there are so many things in this life that we don't understand and it's not meant for us to; things happen for a reason, sometimes we don't understand or know why, but remember it's not our understanding but God's.  Hold on to your faith even when it seems like ; er to have Faith and know that God can see things that our eyes cannot.  Faith is a choice, not a feeling.  It means choosing to trust God even when life doesn't seems  to make sense.  I'd like to think we do have choices; we can either give in; give up and give it all. 

Life isn't meant to be easy, it's meant to be Lived.  Sometimes good, other times, rough. But with every up and down, we learn lessons that make us strong.  Life is unfair, but sometimes we're too quick to count down the days that we forget to make the days count. I get it, we are all suffering and in pain, after all we are human and it's OK to have a melt down.  Just don't unpack and live there.  Cry it out and then refocus on where you are headed.  Our strength isn't about how much we can handle before we break; it's also about how much we can handle before we're broken.

We often say 'we can't make it' but God says, HE will give us strength'.  I hope you find the strength that God so easily gives us.  Remember, God doesn't give us what we can handle, HE helps us handle what we are given. 

God Bless and keep you, keep us all, safe.

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Wearenotalone,

Your post is beautifully written and shared from your heart.  It touches us all, we are the ones listening that get it...

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