In a pretty dark place

[PapaSierra]

On Monday I lost my girlfriend of five years. I still don't know what happened, but she passed in her sleep for no obvious reason. It's been the hardest thing I've ever done. I'm having flashbacks to finding her, and fruitlessly doing cpr. Particularly when I cleared her airway and realised there was virtually no hope. She was already too far gone. I constantly find myself cursing God. She was 31. I'm 27. The God thing gets me. If God is a real thing, what a monster it is. If I do believe God exists, then supposedly i should see her again one day. Of that's true why the he'll would I wait around this place? If not then the time we will spend together is already up. That's unacceptable. I hear her voice out of nowhere sometimes. I'm pissed at her. I'm pissed at myself. I've been drunk for 6 days. Tomorrow we hold a vigil for her. She had 1200 Facebook friends. I'm In no shape to deal with that many people. The viewing was hard enough. She handled what feels like all of the housework. I find myself balling just putting away her laundry. She had a color coded system that I can't figure out. Our dog, Ladybird is my rock right now. But I can't take her everywhere. I'm not back to work yet, and I'm pretty sure I'm going to quit my job. She would always come visit me and I'm worried I'm going to break down in front of my team when I see another redhead ride by out the window. I have no idea what to do day to day. This is all too much. A friend suggested I let a girl I know take me on a date. I was offended at first. Now I realise that one day I'm going to have to do that. I can't be alone forever. What's the proper time to wait? She would want me to start soon, I know that, but still... This is all too much.

[Meesh]

Pappasierra

So sorry for your loss life is so cruel, im no expert on this im 3 and half months in and every days a struggle its all very raw for you and its all overwhelming, try do things bit by bit and do whatever you have to do to get through, its such a shock when its sudden, my boyfriend had an accident and died suddenly and i'm doing my best to get thru but the shock of it all sometimes is too much to bear, take care of yourself best way you can.

[KMB]

PapaSierra----- your loss is very fresh and I am so sorry.  Was an autopsy performed for cause of death? What happened is a horrendous ordeal and you are vulnerable right now. You are in pain, feeling lonely and lost. This journey of grieving is a long, dark, and lonely. There are no rules or time frame. Take all the time you need. Do what you need in order to take care of yourself. Consider a grief counselor or therapist. If none are available in your area, even a grief support group can be helpful.

I hope you have family and friends that are being supportive and offering you whatever assistance you need.

There are many emotions with grieving. Anger, despair, hopelessness, sadness, depression, many more. We can experience these emotions all at once, causing us to feel lost, feel like we are losing our minds.

I would suggest you take your time in grieving the loss of your girlfriend. Friends/family will suggest you start dating. I think that is because they don't know how to handle grieving. They want to make themselves feel better because they really don't know what to say or do. They want you back to *normal* so that it makes them feel *normal* also.

I'm glad you have your dog, Ladybird, by your side. Animals give comfort and understanding in a way that people cannot. Ladybird is your loyal companion and will never leave your side.

Take care of yourself. There are many caring, compassionate people here who truly understand your loss. We are all in this unwanted club together.

[Francine]

 

PapaSierra,  --- 

I'm so very sorry for your loss.  I lost the love of my life and amstill in a 'this is not happening' mode and 'when I way up, from this nightmare'  I'm gonna tell my Charles all about it.   I've lost other loved ones in my life, but this is the hardest loss for me to bear.   Your girlfriend was so young with her whole life ahead of her and five years is such a short time span to share.  Whether 5, 10, 20, or 40 years, it is never enough time.    I too was very angry at God.  Friends were always telling me that God loves you but my thoughts were if God loves me, how could he allow this horrific thing to happen to a wonderful man, a husband, father, grandfather, uncle, my best friend, my world.  How could a God of Love put so much pain and heartache in my life.

I am a believer in prayer and it is understandable to lose faith when something as painful as losing the love of your life happens.  I think my faith wavered, but through a soul awakening moment my faith was restored. Don't get me wrong, I still have my tsunami moments, my 'why' questions and angry moods, but I pray, pray, and pray again.  I get it, you're mad, angry, bitter, and outraged.  We've all been there and, if I'm honest, we'll go there again.  What helps me is my faith; I knew that faith was seeing light with my heart when all my eyes were seeing was darkness and not believing that God can; it was knowing that HE will.  I know that God does exist and that HE is real.   I do believe in the sanctity of life, the continuity of life and of energy. This earth is not our home and we were never intended to be here but a short period of time.  We are spiritual beings with a human experience and while in this body, we most often forget who we are.  We are one with God.  The one thing that is inevitable is death; and we all must.die.  Think about it, after death we are what we were before birth. 

I pray for you get through the upcoming days and that your faith in God is strengthen.  It is a lot to endure and we get by moment by moment, and day by day; but only you can answer when the time is right for you to move on.   Moving on doesn't mean you forget about things; it just means you have accepted what happened and continue living.   It is a chapter in your book of your life; don't close the book; just turn the page.

God Bless and keep you, keep us all, safe.

 

[PapaSierra]

We are waiting for the autopsy. Probably another week. I can tell you she had an eating disorder, and this probably had a factor to play in her death. She was finally getting treatment for it and had just started outpatient care a few weeks ago. I just got an offer letter for a great federal job and she was so proud. It's bitter sweet now. I'm lucky for the opportunity but we were ready to start our family.  I do want to thank y'all for listening. It felt good to get off my chest. I'm going to look into a grieving counselor. Your feedback is Nice too. I lost my sister 7 years ago so I'm no stranger to loss. But this one is bad and there's almost a stacking affect. I'm certainly going to wait on the dating thing. I think you're right about the friends wanting you to go back to normal. I have so many friends and family who are hear for me and her family as well. I'm lucky for that. I have an option this coming week to either go to see my friends in a college town and essentially party and put off grieving or go with another friend to a hostel in the woods and finally start facing my emotions.

[ModHerc]

PapaSierra,

Your love was taken from you far too soon.  I am so sorry for your loss, and the unexplained nature of it.  When my wife passed on Christmas Eve, I gave her CPR while waiting for the paramedics to respond.  I haven't had any flashbacks, but do have very vivid memories of those painful moments.

Anger with God is very common and understandable.  I haven't felt much anger with my wife's passing, when the grief really hits me this time it tends towards depression.  In previous losses I have felt intense anger though, so I know your turmoil.  The need to find a cause for our pain, and find a way to fight it, or get revenge can be blinding.  Your grief is your own, and if anger is what you need to fuel yourself through this painful time, no one here will judge you for it.

I have always been somewhat of a heavy drinker, and I have had a few binges myself in the past few months.  I would caution you that drinking and anger can cause some pretty serious problems when combined.  I am sure you know that already, and I completely understand the thought of not caring about other problems.  Compared to our loss, what problems could really matter?  Do try to be as safe as possible though, and when you can, avoid any potential legal issues as well.  At one point in my anger, and while abusing substances during a previous loss, I managed to get myself 6 counts of assault on police officers.  Twenty years later I am still dealing with some of the resultant problems of those episodes.

As far as friends go, take the advice you think may help you, but you don't need to let anyone tell you how to grieve.  If you want to wait on dating, of course you should wait.  Even if you think your girlfriend would want you to, you may not be in any mental state to pursue anything further than having company.  I am not anywhere close to dating again, and I am not at all worried about it.  If it ever happens, which it may not for me, it will be when I am ready for it and not a minute sooner.

I hope you get the answers you need from the autopsy.  I hope things go well with the federal job, and that the timeline works out where you can have a little more stability before you start it, but trust that it will work out as it is meant to.  I hope you have success with a counselor, and choose the path that is best regarding your plans for the coming week, whichever that may be.  Finally, I hope you find some peace and comfort here among people who understand,

Herc

[KayC]

PapaSierra,

I'm sorry you lost your girlfriend, five years is a long time to spend together, most of your adult life.  You are young, most of your friends have probably not experienced loss and can't comprehend what you're feeling and going through, so pretty hard for them to offer constructive advice.  As far as dating goes, I'd put that on the back burner until you've had more time to heal, you will know when it feels right...and when it doesn't.  I'm glad you have a dog, they can bring much comfort.

I've never quit a job without having another to go to, unless one is rich, or has someone to take them in, I don't know how you do that and pay the bills.  Alcohol is a depressant so not advised in grief as you have enough depression without inviting more.  Self-care is of extreme importance right now, without which it's hard for your brain to think clearly...grief has a way of fogging it up and you need all the help you can get just to go through this.  Try to eat something healthy, drink some water, go for a walk or to the gym.

I hope you have a good support system, people that care.  It might help you to see a grief counselor, it's hard to make your way through this alone, it's tough to navigate.

And keep coming here.  There a lot of people here that "get it".  Our hearts go out to you, we've been through it.  Losing my husband was the hardest thing I've ever been through.  It'll be 12 years in June and I still miss him every day, he was my soul mate and best friend.  I have made the adjustments, as far as is possible, but there are times it's still hard...it's hard to believe it's been that long, some people ask how I've lived without him this long...one day at a time.  Breathe.

Most people believe in some form of afterlife, whether religious or not, most scientists do also, there's a lot of unknown but one thing we agree on is energy changes form, it doesn't die, and we're energy.  The body goes but the spirit lives on.  I believe we will be reunited and remember each other, even if we didn't what drew us together before would do so again.  We maintain our personalities, who we are.

Don't worry about color coding the wash if you can't figure out, the worst that can happen is dingy clothes, who cares.  Compared to this, everything else wanes.

[Tommy]

Papa

I also lost my wife in our sleep. It's been 3 months now. She was 36 and I'm 37. I'm doing better now then I was a few weeks ago. I wouldn't even think about dating right now. I know there are crazy thoughts in your head trust me I had them. Your mind is trying to fill this massive void. And dating is not the answer yet. And alcohol personally I didn't just alcohol single drink until a couple weeks ago. I told myself in the beginning to stay away. The way your mind is right now it is so easy to slip down a dark hole and once there hard to get out. I'd say try to stay busy. Focus on you and who you are now or who your gonna be.