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Sleep disturbance and crying


Chasisdope

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Last night in my sleep, I woke abruptly and cried. It was like an overwhelming feeling of grief. And today, all I did was cry and shake uncontrollably. I don't know how much more of this torture I can take. I really feel like calling it quits. I don't want to be like this anymore. I don't want to be missing him and not being able to be with him. I keep telling myself just another day, just hang in there, it'll all pass as time goes by. But it seems like the more time goes by, the more I miss him. 

Sometimes, it's like I'm waiting for him to come back home from going out. It's that feeling and then I realize no, he's gone. He's dead. I have to remind myself he's never going to show up again. That hurts so badly. Ugh.

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I know it's no comfort but it is normal to feel this way. I wake from dreams often of my girl which leave me crying and anguished when I am forced to learn they are only dreams. 

How will we get through this? I do not know. I don't know how we will ever be OK again.

Feeling like he's just gone is denial, and I am finding that denial is still my defense against the harshest truths. But denial is slowly fading, since I know logically she is gone forever, I can't "convince" myself, or even align with my emotions desires, that she's just gone temporarily and is coming back soon. If that were actually the truth, my whole life would be so much different, so much better. And if I could do it for everyone here I would do it in a heartbeat. 

tonight an ad came on TV for a movie that my girl wanted to see. It was playing when she was still alive but we never made time for it. We figured we could see it when she came back from her trip. She never got to see it. She never will get to. Sometimes the worst things for me to think of are not how I will never have her here again, but how she will never experience so many things in this world.

I can't offer you any advice, but I can tell you I understand wholeheartedly the agony of waking up in grief. They say when we sleep our emotional guard is down, and it's when our brains process our emotions fullly. Maybe that's why grief hits so hard in the mornings. I think about how simple it was when she was alive. My dreams were silly, random brain dumps that were laughable or maybe worth pondering but no over the top emotion. Now my dreams are largely of her, that she's alive. Waking up in agony is sadly part of the journey...

For me the only comfort, even if only temporary, is that if I wake in the middle of the night I know that there is still more time to sleep. I value every minute I get to sleep and avoid the world now. In the past I would cut my sleep short to get things done, and even to make plenty of time for my love. Now sleep is my friend, it's my time of respite and relief, but I pay for it every morning in the form of agony and pain with the knowledge that another day begins without her.

Hang in there. Hugs

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Chasis---I feel your pain. I also feel  every day I am feeling worse. i often think of my husband just being gone somewhere, where there is no access for communications, but that he will return someday. If that were only true, maybe I could function better, with that hope of returning.  My only hope now, is for a short life, so I don't have to wait decades to see him in the afterlife.

We have to keep putting one foot in front of the other, keep getting through each day, the best we can. Each day we get behind us, brings us one day closer to that reunion.

I hope for all of us here, that our situations and the emotional torture get easier to bear. I'm trying to remain positive for us here, even though there are many moments throughout the day, I feel the opposite.

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15 hours ago, fzald said:

tonight an ad came on TV for a movie that my girl wanted to see. It was playing when she was still alive but we never made time for it. We figured we could see it when she came back from her trip. She never got to see it. She never will get to.

Sometimes it's strange. My wife and I also had a movie we wanted to see, but never got around to do it. We watched the trailer but it didn't really gave away a lot of the story. A few weeks after she died I finally saw it. The characters in the movie and the storyline was just a spitting image on us and our story.

Chasisdope,

this will happen every now and then. Just yesterday my stepdaughter told me about a conversation she had with a friend and it immediately triggered memories and I couldn stop crying. I don't know how long it takes to stop. I suppose it'll happen occasionally for the rest of our lives. But it'll get less frequent, I'm sure. Not much of a comfort, I know.

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Feeling like your spouse is just temporarily gone can be denial but then again, it takes quite a while for this kind of reality to fully seep in and process!  And maybe it's natures way of protecting us, letting it eke the truth out to us little by little in measurable doses we can better handle...if "reality" sunk in abruptly and all at once I doubt we could handle it.  I couldn't.

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Chasisdope, 

I feel every bit as you do, as we all do on this sight as only we know, people so lucky and fortunate to not lose their soulmates could not possibly understand how we all feel till it happens and i wouldnt wish our living torture on my worst enemy, ive today felt much the same as you, i feel my body tensing up and such a heavy heart its exhausting, i like you just think whats the point in carrying on but we all have to ride the storm as horrible as it is, keep hope in your heart for some peace, we have all suffered too much, when will it end x lets all have peace and hope x love to you all x

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19 hours ago, fzald said:

 

For me the only comfort, even if only temporary, is that if I wake in the middle of the night I know that there is still more time to sleep. I value every minute I get to sleep and avoid the world now. In the past I would cut my sleep short to get things done, and even to make plenty of time for my love. Now sleep is my friend, it's my time of respite and relief, but I pay for it every morning in the form of agony and pain with the knowledge that another day begins without her.

 

I felt the same. When I wake during the night. I look at the window and see that it's still dark so I get a tad bit of relief that I can still sleep and maybe see him in my dreams. I know some are considered to be visitation dreams but I rarely get those. I'm glad to get any dream with him in it.

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My husband has been gone 6 years. I found love again, and he passed away 1 year ago. I say that to say, I know sweetheart. I know. U sound so real here on the post n I just wanna say, you got this. Bc thats all anybody can say to you at this point that is true or real.  Cry hard, cry long and don't forget to scream bc its not going anywhere. But in time, u will learn to live and function with the pain. And then the pain will become armor bc u will always remember how far you came and that your live for him made you stronger. I'm so sorry 

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On 3/11/2017 at 10:47 PM, Chasisdope said:

Last night in my sleep, I woke abruptly and cried. It was like an overwhelming feeling of grief. And today, all I did was cry and shake uncontrollably. I don't know how much more of this torture I can take. I really feel like calling it quits. I don't want to be like this anymore. I don't want to be missing him and not being able to be with him. I keep telling myself just another day, just hang in there, it'll all pass as time goes by. But it seems like the more time goes by, the more I miss him. 

Sometimes, it's like I'm waiting for him to come back home from going out. It's that feeling and then I realize no, he's gone. He's dead. I have to remind myself he's never going to show up again. That hurts so badly. Ugh.

I'm so sorry for you.  I have my tsunami moments quiet often; they just come on me suddenly with full force.  Each one of us grieve differently; what may take a year for one person to get through their torture might take 5 years for another.  Its just so hard and unpredictable.  I get it, it hurts like hell, and you know what they say about hell; if you're going through it, keep going; eventually the flames will go out.  You are stronger then you realize; sometimes you don't realize your own strength until someone tries to take advantage of your weakness.   What you will NOT do is give up.  That is simply not an option.  Life has its ups and downs.  On your bad days, the down days, you wonder if you will find the strength to overcome the setbacks in your life.   The disappointment can be crushing, but his is not the end of your story.  There is more for you and I hope that reading through some of the post will give you the strength to choose to never give up.

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Thank you Francine. Everyone here has been an inspiration on surviving. I always think of this forum as a place where real people who has gone through the realest pain like myself. I remember that and remind myself to keep on going. Just keep going. I've set some goals for myself and in a couple years time, I should have accomplished some things. 

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Chasisdope, you're absolutely right, the people here are true in their grief, and in the way they not only express that pain, but how they embrace everyone who comes seeking understanding  and comfort. You're on the right path, you keep moving, you keep working, taking care of yourself and by putting goals out there, you've accepted that life does go on. I think you're doing very well, very positive, you have a lot to be proud of. 

May you find peace, love to you, 

Andy

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