Another Day Further Away

[Zara19]

Sometimes with the stresses going on in my life I truly worry my memories of my Husband will get beaten out of me.  It's been 22 weeks and our actual life together that we shared seems to have occured such a long time ago, as if its in another world or existence.  It's frightening and it upsets me.  Does anyone else feel this?  What if it feels like it never happened.  Does anyone have any thoughts please.

[ModHerc]

Zara19,

I had worries like that, but now I don't think we will ever forget.  One of the things I did to get past it was to write down a few of the stories.  I wrote them in letters to my daughter.  I don't know if it will help you, and writing them down was a little painful at the time.  But you could give it a shot if you want to.  Peace and comfort,

Herc

[Zara19]

Hello Herc

I do write everyday to my husband in a diary and include a bit from "a year ago today" to reinforce the memory. I write it as if I'm talking to him.  It's just that our actual life together is moving further away and this is terrifying.  I also can't come to terms with what happened and how.  It was a heart incident. My tangled up thoughts seem to be blocking my memories.  Thank you so much for responding.

[KMB]

Zara19---I also write a letter to my husband. Every night before bed. I tell him about the day, even if I spent a portion of it laying down and crying. I do a lot of repeating in his letters. How much I miss and love him. How I yearn for the day we will be reunited. We were so damn close. I miss seeing and talking to him. His smile and laugh. If he didn't know what to say in reply to something I said, he would grunt. I used to tease him so much that i couldn't decipher grunts. So many memories-----If I had known he was going to have a sudden heart attack later that last night, I would have been racing him to the E long before then in hopes of it being prevented.. But everything was normal. He had just been to see his doctor the week before and was told his heart sounded good. I know in my heart, I'm not going to completely recover.There is nothing complete about this. I'll just live with it the best I can.

[Zara19]

Thanks for replying KMB.  My Husband was suffering with the CHF.  It didn't take long before the symptoms were insurmountable, we didn't even get as far as a pacemaker.  The consultant had said that just a few years ago his symptoms would have been untreatable but I still can't accept what's happened.  A heart attack caused heart failure and the heart failure caused a cardiac arrest over time.  It must have been such a shock to have had a positive report from the Dr and then for that to happen to your husband and you.  I understand we will never recover but just try to live with the pain.  

 

 

[fzald]

Zara,

You will never truly forget your man. Ever.

If you do worry about forgetting the little details, the mundane things, then as others have suggested, writing is a great way to help get these thoughts down more permanently. 

I know how you feel though. I'm only 6-7 weeks into her death, and it already feels like a long time ago. I don't worry that I'll ever forget her, but I do worry about how the world goes on without her, how life continues and how the further away I get from her death, the more into irrelevance she will fade. As time goes on, her memory will fade. As people who knew her move on with their own lives, her memory will fade further. I cry over the fact that, someday, probably not too long from now, maybe next year at the latest, it will be almost as if she never lived to the rest of the world. Only I and her family and her closest friends will still feel the sting of loss, and honestly, only I and her family will truly feel the loss at this depth after that much time passes. 

Writing to him can help keep you feeling connected in a way. Of course he can't answer, but maybe he can hear or read what you say. And while he can't answer in words or physically, maybe, just maybe, the memories will shift from painful to happy. That's what I hope for myself. I still don't know though. I still have a hard time believing it will ever get any better. 

But at least know that you will never, ever forget the one you loved. Hopefully, for all of us, the pain will lessen, it will become manageable, and slowly it will dissipate leaving happy memories and smiles behind. But that doesn't mean we'll forget. In fact, we'll choose to remember, we won't try to shy away from the pain because it won't be. We'll embrace the memories and happy times. 

I hope this is what will happen. 

I guess the "Easy way" would be for her to be back, but that's impossible, so the "Hard way" is the only way forward.

[Zara19]

Thank You Fzald for your encouragement.  It's like you say. The life as we knew it when we were with our loved one becomes further away and it's the details of this I fear will get forgotten with the deluge of life in general.  Thanks again for replying.

[KMB]

Zara19---We will never forget our beloveds. Our memory part of our brain is built for that purpose. I still remember my childhood, so I'm not likely to forget the best 25 years of my life with my husband. I wish those years wouldn't have gone so quickly. It saddens me that each day goes so slowly now. For the past couple of days, I've been remembering a year ago. We had an early spring. My husband and I got out just about every day for a 4 wheeler run. It was warm enough to sit out on the deck. Those last several months of his life went by so quickly. All I want is him and *our* life back. It is not going to happen and I have to make do with the parts of *our* life I can hang onto. The routines and chores I can hang onto.

 

 

 

[Marcel]

Zara, I know how you feel. To me everything seems so unreal that I sometimes refuse to believe our entire relationship ever happened. But then I know that I would never be able to forget my wife. I will remember her smile, the walks we took, the chats we had, also the fights we had.
We will not remember every detail of our lives. But we will remember the important ones. And we've shared a lot of the important ones with our partners. These will always be with us.

[Zara19]

KMB - Thanks for your post again.  I understand what you mean. 

Marcel - I'm so sorry for your loss, words can never be enough I know.  I can't imagine how you are feeling.  I have immediate family experience of suicide but I was much younger then and not fully aware of the psychological effects of this.  Thanks for commenting.  I'm just scared the sharp edges of my memories will become dulled and my recollections will become less in time to come.  I do have lots of photos so that's something.  I understand however that some people do find it hard to look at photos.  Take care Marcel and your daughter.

[Marcel]

Photos can hurt a lot but also help a lot. I have a couple of photos of my wife on the wall. My stepdaughter's real father broke of any contact with her early last year, and she put a photo of her mother on the fridge to remind her what her own issues are. And how having lost both her parents effects her own actions.

I guess everybody has to find their own way of coping and luckily my daughter is doing better than me.

[KayC]

I've never forgotten anything about him and it will be twelve years Father's Day, June 19th.  

Time, however, is a warp.  At your time frame it can feel like both yesterday and forever at the same time.  There have been times I have wondered if I made him up, I've gone and physically looked at his birth, death, and marriage certificates to make sure he's real.  I have his pictures up, see his handwriting, the clothing he wore, etc. but it feels like that part of my life is now a dream.  Weird?  Definitely.  Unusual...no.

[Zara19]

Thanks KayC.  Yes, it does feel like yesterday and far away at the same time.  Time is definitely a strange concept.  Thanks for replying.