Having one of those days

[Mrsviden]

Today is one of those days where all the memories of what we would be doing on Saturday morning are more present than normal. We always had our routine, saturdays were days we finally got to sleep in and where we got to wake up next to each other and just lay there and talk. They were the days I'd get up and make his coffee and had it waiting. The days were Fox News was on until 9 and then it was hgtv time. I miss sitting next to him and him wrapping his arms around me, I miss the safe feeling I had when I was in his presence, I just miss him.

On some days I'm ok and I can get up and be productive, days like today it's almost 1 o'clock and I'm still in bed crying feeling unable to move. I pray everyday he knows how much I love him and how much I miss him. I pray that he knows I tried doing everything I could, and I pray he is proud to look down on me and say wow that's my wife. 

 

[ModHerc]

Mrsviden,

I know exactly what you mean.  I still make her a cup of coffee now and then, two sweet and lows and two creamers.  We would be watching information discovery right now, and putting together a grocery list for the coming week.

These are the little things that we will find joy in remembering eventually though.  Right now they are triggers for our grief, and I can feel my throats tightening and my eyes welling as I think of them.  At the same point I need to hold on to them, to remember how spectacular our life was, even when it was mundane.

I'm sorry it's so painful, and that you are having a particularly rough day.  Your love for him and his for you will never change.  If there is an afterlife, which I firmly believe there is, he knows you did everything you could, and I am certain he is as proud now as the day you were married.  Peace and love to you,

Herc

[Mrsviden]

45 minutes ago, Herc said:

Mrsviden,

I know exactly what you mean.  I still make her a cup of coffee now and then, two sweet and lows and two creamers.  We would be watching information discovery right now, and putting together a grocery list for the coming week.

These are the little things that we will find joy in remembering eventually though.  Right now they are triggers for our grief, and I can feel my throats tightening and my eyes welling as I think of them. 

Herc

For my husband it was just a splash of milk. By now we would be out walking downtown hand in hand and thinking about what to cook for dinner. Sundays we would write down or grocery list and go shopping together. You are most certainly right when you say these are "triggers" and hopefully one day they will be sweet memories that will bring us happiness instead of sadness. 

Laying here makes me think that in any second he will walk in here and ask what the heck I'm still doing in bed. But I have to stop myself and tell myself that won't happen, and that this is real. Accepting is a very difficult task to do, something I still haven't done. 

Thank you for your response. God bless you 

[KMB]

Mrsviden--- I know exactly what you mean. The daily routines. We still live them and all the triggers. Right now, I would be asking my husband what he would like for supper.

Acceptance is a hard concept with this grieving. My brain"s logic against my emotional heart. Going to take me a long time to *accept*. This is a lonely road.

[fzald]

It's weird, our logical brains are very adaptable, we can learn new skills relatively quickly, we can obtain vast amounts of knowledge in a short period of time. But our emotions are different. Our emotions hate change, they cling to what is, and refuse to accept changes in those things unless they're very gradual and slow. When that change is something like death, sudden finality that is irreversible, emotions cry and scream and throw tantrums like little kids. Even as we try to tell ourselves over and over what the truth is, our emotions absolutely refuse to accept it. 

Today, my girlfriend would probably be over at my house, and we'd be watching a movie, or talking, or working on a project of some kind together. We'd be discussing what to eat, whether to order something or go out and grab something for take-out or go out to eat.

Amazing how we so clearly remember our lover's preferences. My girl's favorite breakfast from the diner was a sausage, egg and cheese breakfast sandwich, a container of 1% milk and a small bag of plain chips. She didn't even have to specify this to me, she could just say "the usual". She also knew my favorite order and when she would go, she could do the same.

It's so inconsequential in the big picture, but it's another way we shared connection with them. Another way we knew them like most didn't. Another way that they shared themselves with us.

Emotions can't be avoided. If I focus entirely on the raw facts, I can block it out for a bit, but give it a few minutes and emotions will come right back and smash me in the face. 

There are so many things I wanted to do with her, for her. There are so many things about our lives that were perfect, that I loved. It's so lonely and sad now, even though I have a couple friends and family members around, it's still so lonely. I can't focus on anything else for more than a few minutes at a time. 

I want this to end. I want to either be OK, or be gone. This is just. Brutal.

[Francine]

Mrsviden,

I know the feeling.  I too have those days where I am overcome with grief; like today, It's really becoming a bad, bad day for me.  Looking at pictures of myself  and my Charles is so hard; I thought they'd bring back some happy feelings; but just the opposite, too sad.  .   I wanted to say more, but I'm about to have my tsunami moment so I'm going to excuse myself and cry my river.  Maybe I'll drown in the process; when I think about it, it's not that bad of an idea.

[KMB]

Francine----Hang in there .If I have to, so do you. All of us do. I've cried so much this past week, it's amazing our body can keep producing the tears.

[Mrsviden]

 

8 hours ago, KMB said:

Mrsviden--- I know exactly what you mean. The daily routines. We still live them and all the triggers. Right now, I would be asking my husband what he would like for supper.

Acceptance is a hard concept with this grieving. My brain"s logic against my emotional heart. Going to take me a long time to *accept*. This is a lonely road.

I honestly don't know if I'll ever fully accept it. Everything he touched is untouched, the last water bottle he drank is still where he left it. His clothes are where he left them. To me they are just fine where they are. 

[Mrsviden]

5 hours ago, Francine said:

Mrsviden,

I know the feeling.  I too have those days where I am overcome with grief; like today, It's really becoming a bad, bad day for me.  Looking at pictures of myself  and my Charles is so hard; I thought they'd bring back some happy feelings; but just the opposite, too sad.  .   I wanted to say more, but I'm about to have my tsunami moment so I'm going to excuse myself and cry my river.  Maybe I'll drown in the process; when I think about it, it's not that bad of an idea.

I'm sorry you are having a tough day, as I previously said some days I'm able to handle it, & then again some days it's overwhelming. I too look at pictures of my husband Joe and can't believe I'm never going to take another picture with him again. I talk to him all the time and tell him good,orning/goodnight as if he was still here, but then I eminently myself that he never really left me spiritually. But not everyday do I feel that's enough, I miss our physical connection, his touch, kisses,hugs,just a simple hand holding. I will keep you in my prayers sweet lady. 

 

[fzald]

I don't like he term "accept". It seems to say that we will be OK with our loss. We will never be OK with it. We will never feel it is the right thing or that it is what was supposed to be.

Maybe a better term is "coexist." We will grieve forever. But we hopefully can learn to live despite our grief. 

I have described the idea of death as a constant static that we ignore most of the time. Until you have been forced to face death and its effects head on, you can ignore that static. You can think things like "I will live a long time", "death is for the old", "death happens to other people, not me or my loved ones"... But we have been forced to face the truth of death, we no longer get to ignore the static. The static is a constant trigger, a constant reminder of the reality of death. Our static is louder, more invasive, more disruptive.

Maybe though, someday, we will be able to adjust even to this static. It will always be there, we will always be aware of it. but maybe we can still learn to enjoy the show, even though the static is so much worse now.

I speak from a point of hope myself, because I have not reached this point yet. I still spend the majority of my time grieving and hurting and feeling the loss and sadness. My reality is completely shattered around me and I stand in the middle of a foreign world, with no map and no sense of direction. 

There is no hurry to pack up or move things. It helps us feel connected and almost helps us feel their presence, even though they're physically gone from this world forever.

Hang in there. Hugs

[Mrsviden]

5 hours ago, fzald said:

 

Amazing how we so clearly remember our lover's preferences. My girl's favorite breakfast from the diner was a sausage, egg and cheese breakfast sandwich, a container of 1% milk and a small bag of plain chips. She didn't even have to specify this to me, she could just say "the usual". She also knew my favorite order and when she would go, she could do the same.

It's so inconsequential in the big picture, but it's another way we shared connection with them. Another way we knew them like most didn't. Another way that they shared themselves with us.

Emotions can't be avoided. If I focus entirely on the raw facts, I can block it out for a bit, but give it a few minutes and emotions will come right back and smash me in the face. 

There are so many things I wanted to do with her, for her. There are so many things about our lives that were perfect, that I loved. It's so lonely and sad now, even though I have a couple friends and family members around, it's still so lonely. I can't focus on anything else for more than a few minutes at a time. 

I want this to end. I want to either be OK, or be gone. This is just. Brutal.

I agree with you 110%. My husband and I would always say we knew every word in each other's book. We connected on a very deep level from the moment we met to the moment he died. I was 10 years old and I knew by age 11 that was going to be the man I married. He was my first boyfriend, first I love you, first kiss, everything you could have as a first he was it. Sure we had our down times but what real couple doesn't, and at the end of everyday we still told one another I love you. 

I wanted to cook him more meals, have more years, share life experiences with, but that was taken from me. Temporarily I can feel like it's just a bad dream and I'll walk in the door and there he will be so glad to see me, but then I realize I'm not dreaming. 

I remember on the days I would clean for hours and when I finally sat down he acted as if we hadn't seen each other all day. As I was saying before, I miss the little things, the way he looked at me, the way he thought I was so beautiful when waking up, the way I felt so safe and complete. 

Some days, I just don't know if I can take it anymore..

im very sorry for your loss..

[fzald]

The whole meeting young and falling in love young thing is so beautiful.

I met my girlfriend for the first time when she was 14, and at the time I was actually still in a relationship. We stayed in touch but at a distance. She had a couple very short term boyfriends in high school but nothing even remotely serious. When she was 17, we started dating. Even though she had technically kissed before she said our kiss was her first "real" kiss, the first one that actually made her feel. She said the very few kisses she had with her "boyfriends" before were more like kissing a family member, no passion. We were each other's first time in bed, and first time she said I love you. First time she truly felt anything for a guy was me, and we stayed together until she passed. I always believed she was my soulmate, my intended. The one who I was meant to be with who happened to come into my life at just the right time in just the right way. And our connection, our shared love was so strong. It was amazing. 

It's wrong for her to be gone. She found true love, as did I. Love isn't supposed to be this tragic. But it is. Here we are. I imagine I can call her or text her and then remember I can't. Just 7 weeks ago we were texting multiple times every day, and now it's never ever again.

Its so unfair.

[Mrsviden]

Fzald: 

it seems you and your girlfriends love story was a beautiful one just as mine was. Not receiving texts/phone calls is quite tough, now my phone never rings, never dings. I have our old conversations and it feels like a decade has gone by since our last conversation. I'm thankful our conversations were each other trying to say we loved the other more. One text says I'm so ready to get out of here so we can do our thing. (He was speaking of getting out the hospital). When he went home we knew it was because there was nothing more medically they could do for him but I was confident that things would turn around when he got home, instead he passed away.

I hate those cliche things people say like "he's in a better place" "he's not suffering anymore" "you'll find someone new" I get that maybe they are trying to help but it doesn't. While I'm so happy he no longer has leukemia, it's as if I do and there's nothing and no one who can cure me. Now I'm fighting the battle. 

Since he's passed I have told everyone I still consider myself very much married, although he isn't here physically. You don't just move on from someone who is your true true love. 

I miss him every millisecond of every day and I will continue to keep our love story alive, because it was a great one. One that is filled with so many memories. 

[KMB]

2 hours ago, Mrsviden said:

Fzald: 

it seems you and your girlfriends love story was a beautiful one just as mine was. Not receiving texts/phone calls is quite tough, now my phone never rings, never dings. I have our old conversations and it feels like a decade has gone by since our last conversation. I'm thankful our conversations were each other trying to say we loved the other more. One text says I'm so ready to get out of here so we can do our thing. (He was speaking of getting out the hospital). When he went home we knew it was because there was nothing more medically they could do for him but I was confident that things would turn around when he got home, instead he passed away.

I hate those cliche things people say like "he's in a better place" "he's not suffering anymore" "you'll find someone new" I get that maybe they are trying to help but it doesn't. While I'm so happy he no longer has leukemia, it's as if I do and there's nothing and no one who can cure me. Now I'm fighting the battle. 

Since he's passed I have told everyone I still consider myself very much married, although he isn't here physically. You don't just move on from someone who is your true true love. 

I miss him every millisecond of every day and I will continue to keep our love story alive, because it was a great one. One that is filled with so many memories. 

Mrsviden---I meant to only quote your last 2 paragraphs. It is exactly how I feel. i really just don't *get* how people who have loved and lost like we have, keep going on. How does anyone do this without going mad from missing their physical presence and how life used to be?

[Mrsviden]

KMB, 

I'm not sure, by all means im not here to judge people who have moved on from their loved ones and found someone new, but whether it's right now or 10,20,30,40 years from now I will not move on from my husband. I think falling in love so young and that being the one from me very early one, I find somewhat peace knowing the years we spent loving one another so passionately is long enough to last me throughout my life. The Bible tells us that god will satisfy all of our needs, just because my husband is no longer on this earth doesn't mean I need to go out and find someone. My husband was the one for me, I do not wish to seek anyone. I'm confident in knowing that he is waiting for me as I'm waiting to see him again. 

I actually had a guy tell me the day of my husbands passing that I'm young and I'll get swept off my feet again, that is beyond disrespectful. He said you have needs and you can't go without s** forever, and that's when I looked at him and how ignorant he must be to think that a marriage is only about that. As I've mentioned before my husband was and still very much is everything to me: my best friend, soul mate, partner in crime, whatever else you may think of he was. I'll never understand why people say the most ridiculous things when someone passes away. 

What they don't understand is that the pain is always there, it may subside for about 5 seconds but then it all comes flooding back. My prayer for all of us is to be able to help one another, even if it just helps for a brief second. I'm glad to have found this site. 

[KMB]

Mrsviden---People can be so insensitive when it comes to acknowledging a person's loss. I don't think people really have intent to say the wrong things. They just don't really know what to say. There is that old, stupid cliche, misconception, about widows. I had my own experience of that coming from a friend of my husband. I finally had to stand up for myself. Give him the facts that although my husband is no longer physically here, there is still a spiritual relationship and I will always feel in my heart that i am still married. I have no interest in other men. No one could ever compare. Of course, comparing is not fair. But still, what my husband and I had between us, I still consider sacred and always will.  This friend of my husband and I showed no respect. No respect for my husband and his memory. No respect for my grieving.

You, I, and many others feel the same. When you are fortunate enough to find your soulmate in life, no matter how short or long of a life that comes to be, it will keep us going for the rest of our life. Our soulmates are waiting for us in a different life. I'll remain faithful until that time. Take care of yourself, this journey is hell.

[Mrsviden]

5 minutes ago, KMB said:

Mrsviden---People can be so insensitive when it comes to acknowledging a person's loss. I don't think people really have intent to say the wrong things. They just don't really know what to say. There is that old, stupid cliche, misconception, about widows. I had my own experience of that coming from a friend of my husband. I finally had to stand up for myself. Give him the facts that although my husband is no longer physically here, there is still a spiritual relationship and I will always feel in my heart that i am still married. I have no interest in other men. No one could ever compare. Of course, comparing is not fair. But still, what my husband and I had between us, I still consider sacred and always will.  This friend of my husband and I showed no respect. No respect for my husband and his memory. No respect for my grieving.

You, I, and many others feel the same. When you are fortunate enough to find your soulmate in life, no matter how short or long of a life that comes to be, it will keep us going for the rest of our life. Our soulmates are waiting for us in a different life. I'll remain faithful until that time. Take care of yourself, this journey is hell.

I love every word that you said, sometimes when I read these responses I'm literally like "YES OMG THEY GET IT, THEY GET ME!" 

I spoke to my mom about that and I said I could never be with someone else because I'd always compare them to Joe, and that wouldn't be fair to them. Like yourself, I do not have interest in other people. 

When you find your soulmate, I strongly believe if something were to happen, like this, you can go on in life knowing that someday you will be reunited and oh what a joyous day that'll be when i can be truly truly happy again. I miss him more and more everyday. 

When the guys at work spoke those words, I felt the same in which you did, as if he was speaking of my husband as if what him and I had wasn't real, but then again it's about what my husband and I feel in our hearts. 

I know Joe and I have had this conversation many times of remaining faithful even if something were to happen and we both said the same thing, that there was no one in this world meant for us other than each other. I still remember the way I felt when I first saw him and when he first kissed me. That is what gets me through the rough days, knowing that someday I'll feel that way again. 

Take care, KMB 

[KayC]

23 hours ago, KMB said:

Acceptance is a hard concept with this grieving. My brain"s logic against my emotional heart. Going to take me a long time to *accept*.

Acceptance does not mean we like it or agree with it.  I hated that word when George died!  I prefer it termed "coming to the realization of" because that is more apt to me and less something to struggle against.  I can realize something is without implication that it's okay.

[KMB]

You are right, KayC. *Realization* is certainly better than the term *acceptance*.  Realization is an awareness. Well, we are are certainly and without a doubt, aware of the physical absence of our loved ones.