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lost my partner - suicide


Micho

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We had been fighting for a week, I felt that something was wrong with him and therefore I told him that unless he tells me what was wrong, I will not speak to him anymore. On the last evening he came and he told me that I will remember that evening for ever and that I should write it in my diary!!! The next morning I found him hanged in our garage. I never thought that he will do something like that. Now my life is destroyed!!!!! He was right- I will never forget this experience.

I just wonder everyday - if he did it because he wanted to hurt me in any way!!!

I loved him and he knew it. His life had changed for the better since he was with me. So I cannot understand why he did it!!! But his last words are always echoing in my ears.  

I feel miserable and when I speak about it to other people, they tell me that life has to continue.

I work and get distracted in some way but when I am alone I start to think about him, about his last words and I wonder if it was my fault that he did it.

Pls could someone help me and tell me if he/she has passed from this too.

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Micho,

Suicide is an aspect of this that I haven't had to deal with.  I have no experience on that front, I am so sorry.  I do know the pain of having lost a love though.  I understand trying to find distractions in your daily life.  I understand the pain of talking about my loss with people who just don't know what I am feeling.  I know the guilt, and the unanswerable questions about life, death, and what we had.  I understand the lonely existence, the constant pain of a broken heart, and the eternal desire to turn the clock back before it happened.

I don't believe for a second that any of it is your fault.  Your post contains thoughts about improving his life, wanting to find out what was wrong with him, wanting to help him.  You did not want what has happened, you would do anything you could to change it, and you are not to blame.  Please be kind to yourself.

Have you looked into any grief counselling, therapy, or joining any support groups?  This site is a wonderful place, with people who will at least understand some of what you are going through.  Professional counselling may really help in your situation though.  Please keep coming here and talking to and with us as well, it has helped me immensely just to know that there are people who will listen and truly empathize.  Hoping you find whatever peace you can,

Herc

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Thanks dear Herc for answering my post.... Unfortunately locally we do not have any support groups for such an issue! And truly i do not know of any body else that has experienced this even tough suicide is common here. 

I am seeing a psychologist but when i am alone i feel a disaster. I truly wish to have a friend or meet someone that can fully understand what I am experiencing.

When i am ok i try to believe that he was depressed/mentally unstable- but I never realised this and he never said anything. I am a nurse and I must have known what was going to happen!!!

We had an 8 year relationship and he never said or commented that he was sick or anything else.

This is why I have looked online so that maybe someone will write me and tell me about ma same experiece.

Now i feel lonely like hell and sometimes i also think that God is punishing me!! Forgive me dear God

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Micho,

Depressed people can be expert at hiding their symptoms as I am sure you know.  You are a nurse, you are not omniscient.  You didn't know, and if you had you would have done something about it.  In horrible circumstances our minds can bend in funny ways.  As we search for answers we can trick ourselves into thinking we had knowledge that we didn't.  That signs we didn't recognize until after should have been as apparent to us then as they are now that we know.  Hindsight is always 20/20 only because it has the glasses of our current knowledge.  Please don't blame yourself.

I am glad you have professional counselling that appears to be helping at least some of the time.  I know it feels like God is punishing us on occasion, but think how blessed we were to have them in our lives at all.  We do not deserve punishment, and we aren't being punished for anything.  It just is the way it is which is tragically unfair, and we will have to find our way through it to see future blessings.  When you feel lonely, please come and talk to us.  We are here, and listening.  Wishing you comfort among friends,

Herc

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Micho,

I am so sorry for your loss. Suicide is one of the hardest ways to lose someone, because we will always see it as having been preventable. Suicide is a decision made by someone, not an act of nature or an accident. It brings with it the horrible feelings that we should have been more observant or more aware of the person's emotional state.

The experience of thinking we did something wrong, though, is the same even in other situations. My girlfriend passed away suddenly from an undiagnosed medical condition. I still think to this day that I wish I had noticed the subtle changes in her. She slowed down, she was having more headaches and more nausea, and her work was suffering a little. But it was nothing significant enough to alarm me. She would just ask me if I could go get take-out rather than coming with me out to eat. But I would never have assumed that she was so near death. I'm sure you can totally agree that if either of us had known what was about to happen that we would have done things very, very differently. If I had known my girlfriend was dangerously close to death, I would have done anything necessary to get her the medical care she needed before she passed out. If you had known just how bad it was for your guy I'm sure you would have done things differently too.

Don't feel guilty about having fought with him. Every relationship has its rough, hard moments. We live our lives based on what we're experiencing at the time. I'm sure that there was some reason for your disagreement. But you had no way to know just how bad it was for him. Don't blame yourself for that. The thing with suicide is it tends to be that those who actually intend to do it are more quiet about it, in many suicide cases we hear friends, family, neighbors all say "I had no idea." On the other hand those who so publicly threaten their suicide are often a lot less likely to actually go through with it, because they are using suicide as a way to get attention they desperately crave.

All you can do now is take it day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute. Losing a loved on to death, regardless of how, is a horribly traumatic experience that will be a part of you forever. People say it will get better. I hope it will for you. I hope it will for me. My girlfriend passed only 6 weeks ago. I last saw her alive 7 weeks ago. It is getting worse for me lately. I am trying my hardest just to hang on and take care of my basic needs, take care of my job, do the things I have to do, but it's a superhuman effort to get through each day. 

Take care of yourself. Eat something, keep hydrated, try your best to get some good sleep. It'll be hard. I won't lie, it'll be very, very hard. But at least try not to blame yourself, try not to let guilt consume you. 

Hang in there.

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Micho,----I am sorry for your tragic loss. I can only imagine your devastation at being the one to find him. He must have had inner demons that he felt he couldn't share with you or anyone.So, please, do not take on the burden of blame. He didn't do it to hurt you .His mind had already been hurting him and he just found it convenient to use the excuse of an argument for himself. God is not punishing you either. The God I know is all loving.

I am glad you are seeing professional help for coping with your loss. We do need support and help from wherever we can receive it.

Please keep posting when you feel the need to. This is a great forum with many caring, compassionate people. We all are grieving for the loss of someone special.

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Micho,

I'm so sorry, but this is not on you, this was on him...this is something he did, you had no say so, you did not cause this.  You may always remember that night, that's true, but I hope with all that is within me that you'll get professional grief counseling to help you through this.  There are organizations that help survivors of suicide, I hope you will connect with one.  Marita (link I gave you) can probably give you the phone number of one.  On that site there is a professional grief counselor that can give you helps if you post there, her name is Marty.
What he did was cry out but unfortunately, he took a lasting course that no one can help him from.  He was suffering too much and didn't see another way, but you are not responsible for him no matter how much you feel you are.  My heart goes out to you, you will receive nothing but caring and support from us here.

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Here is my response from the other thread:
 

I am so sorry for your loss, I know of nothing harder.  I have not lost a partner to suicide but this person has:
http://www.griefhealingdiscussiongroups.com/index.php?/profile/18502-widowedbysuicide/&do=content&page=22  If you start with her May, 4, 2016 post and move along her later posts you can hear her story.  You'd be able to message her by clicking on her member page, her name is Marita.

Here are some links that may be of some help to you:
http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/03/grief-support-for-survivors-of-suicide.html

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2013/11/surviving-spouses-suicide.html

 

 

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Micho,

I am so sorry for your loss; it must have been devastating finding him the way you did.  Know that you are in no way at fault of what happened.  You did nothing wrong. You cannot save what you do not know; so if you are having this feeling - forgive yourself.  My heart hurts for you. Many posts before me are saying everything that needs to be said.

You will undoubtedly experience many feelings in ways you've never have before. Sadness, guilt, despair, anxiety, fear, hopelessness, longing, anger, and frustration will likely run through your mind.  Embrace them, but always remember that they are “at this moment” feelings; which leaves you hope to have different feelings at a later time.  The “why” and “what-if” questions will be asked over and over in your mind. At some point, you will realize that you cannot understand the meaning of what happened. Trust that at some point, God will give you the answers you seek.

You loved this man and he loved you.  I don't think people who die by suicide necessarily want to end their lives, they want to end their pain; and there is no greater pain than that which drives people to suicide; it defines the moment in which mental pain exceeds the human capacity to bear it.   Suicide is not chosen; I think it happens when the pain exceeds the resources for coping and it leaves those who are touched by it with a unique kind of grief, filled with unanswered questions, stigma from those who don’t understand, and sometimes immense guilt.  I hope you find it in yourself to forgive him; not because he deserves it, but because you deserve peace.

I believe you will survive and somehow be able to move on; and undoubtedly find purpose in all this chaos. Moving on doesn’t mean letting go.  Eventually, you will find joy, somewhere in time, down the road. One day you’ll wake up and things won’t hurt as bad. You’ll be able to remember the good things about him and not just the end.  At that time I think that’s when you will know you are finally able to move on.

For God's words are truth.  In Ecclesiastic 3:4 it states, “…a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance.

I hope you continue to post; and know that we are here to lift one another up with comforting words, support and encouragement.  God Bless and keep you strong. 

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Hello everyone

I am in despair:lol: and i need to write to someone so that I can feel better! (at least that s what I hope for). 

I decided to go for 4 days holidy break twith a friend as i am tryingmy best to continue my life! Tomorrow we will be flying and yesterday i hurt my knee. I am doing all the necessary treatment to get better and so ican enjoy my vacation as much as i can. But since yesterday i have been crying in despair!

Am i doing the wrong thing to go on a vacation with a male friend? And pls note we r only friends. He is a gay.

Did my deceased partner send me such an injury??? Doesn t he want me to be ok?? Because he is not here anymore. All my friends tell me that he is taking care of me from above!

I loved him very much and i used to keep silent when he did some or said stupid things. I have to say i used to swear silently at him and i sometimes said silently that i would be better without him because i felt sorry for his actions. But i never imagined he would kill himself!  so i also think that i brought all.this on myself!!!!

How can i change all these feelings???please help me because i cannot stop crying. I am praying and praying but i cannot forgive myself for what i have said and thought in my heart. I also and surely will not comprehend why all this happened to me....

Paul 4give me... I will love you 4ever ...you know that i loved you very much but you left me in despair

Micho

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Micho, There is nothing wrong in taking a much needed vacation break. Grieving is exhausting. It takes a toll on our bodies, minds and hearts. A break with a friend, change of scenery and some activities are good for you. You are making a well deserved effort in your grief journey. We are all proud of you. As for getting injured, just an accident. But grieving has a way of turning minor things into overwhelming big things. Your beloved did not cause the injury. In fact, being in Heaven, he is sending you much love and only wants the best for you. He is watching over you. You did not cause his passing. That was on him.  I don't think your silent thoughts over his past behaviors had anything to do with his action either. You are not responsible for his actions. He made a free will choice. So, please, try to forgive yourself.

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No there is absolutely nothing wrong with your taking a holiday, we need that, especially in the throes of grief, it can overwhelm us.  No your love did not send you an injury, life's stuff continues to happen to us, both good and bad.  I'm sorry you were feeling that way.  I'm glad you have your friend to spend some time with, nothing wrong with that.

Perhaps you are feeling guilt at feeling a moment's relief.  It's important to give ourselves permission to smile, it is okay, more than that, to be coveted and worked towards.  Guilt has a purpose in life to teach us something we need to learn, but beyond that if we let it persist it turns to shame whose only effect is harmful and paralyzing.  We do not want it to hold us down and keep us from continuing forward.  You have nothing to feel guilty about!  Tell yourself you are a wonderful person and you don't deserve anything bad, you ARE, you know!

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Micho,

Not to be redundant to the other post, but there is absolutely nothing wrong with going on a vacation with a friend. Actually,  I think it's what the doctor ordered and often times, it's just the right medicine one might need. Sometimes we need to stop trying to analyze the past, stop trying to look ahead to the future, stop trying to figure out how we are suppose to feel, stop deciding where we need to go and just see what happens.   Get away from it all with only your thoughts and experience things in a completely different light. 

Your Paul did not send an injury your way, but I think he would want you to go on with your life and live it to its fullest.  The loved you shared will always be - no one or nothing can ever take that away.  Often times we might think or say things we don't actually mean; and that's OK; sometimes it's better to stay quiet -  if your love wasn't enough to silence them, do you think your words would have mattered? - Staying quiet does not negate your love for that person; sometimes it enhances it. 

I believe Paul's spirit is in a better place where forgiveness, love and peace are the norm; what you must do is forgive yourself.  Forgive yourself because you're not perfect; show yourself grace because you're still learning; and show yourself patience because you're on a journey. 

I pray God give you the strength, love and peace you need, we all need. at this time.  Stay Strong

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Dear all

Thanks for your replies and encouragement words. Everyone including my friends is telling me that i am truly trying my best to successfully pass my griefing and bereavement period. And thankyou all for that.

However everytime i think about him i cry and i just think about that he is angry at me. I just remember his last words before he committed his act. He told me thati will remember what he was going to do 4ever and that i should write it in a diary!!! How could i know he was going to kill himself????? Did he really think i will need the diary to remember this awful experience???

So this is why i feel like this because he did not leave me in a nice way. He always acted very angrily at me when we fought about stupid thoughts of his mind. I always gave up trying to persuade him he was wrong but i loved him so i didnot want to continue oir fights. 

Our last fight was the cherry on d cake but i did not want to give up because i could feel that something was wrong with him!!! And i was then tired to give up on his stupidities. So i kept strong and told him that i waa not going to speak to him unless he tells me what was wrong with him!!!!

This is why i feel like this. I cry every time i remember him. I cry because i cannot remember anything else apart from his last words. I knowi did not ask him to do suicide but unfortunately i can only remember those few last words very clearly.

Paul this is why i cry and cry because you didn t even say goodbye in a nice way. And i always told you that we should always speak our taughts together and we shall never leave home with arguments because if something happens like an accident we will regret our fight 4ever. But i think you did iton purpose so i could feel guilty 4 d rest of my life. At the same time i say surely you did not know what you were doing because how can anyone kill himself? If he is not totally mentally disturbed??? I just want to say sorry paul because i feel angry at you and i cannot 4give you for now!!! Sorry for this and not 4 anything else because i always loved you and did the best thing 4 u and yoy know that. But truly i am sorry but i do not know when i will 4give you. And i also hope that God will forgive me for these feelings about you. Sooooorrrry Paul.

Micho

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You could not have known he would kill himself and that is not your fault!  

20 hours ago, Micho said:

Everyone including my friends is telling me that i am truly trying my best to successfully pass my griefing and bereavement period.

We don't "pass" our grieving, it continues the rest of our lives, it has a beginning but not an ending, BUT, it does not stay the same, it is ever evolving.  This is not something to get over like a sickness, or fix like a problem, we continue to miss the person and it takes a lot of working through to even process it and adjust to the changes it means for us.

It is okay to feel anger towards him, many of us have felt anger at being abandoned even when our husbands had no choice, they just died.  Our feelings are just that, they're valid, they don't have to make sense and they certainly don't have to be rational.  

Forgiveness is a process we begin by demonstrating the desire to forgive, much like faith, but it's not always a one time deal...every time it comes to our mind we make the effort to forgive.  Forgiveness doesn't have as much to do with the other person as it does ourselves.  It does not mean what they did was okay.  It does not let them off the hook.  It just means we release them to God for Him to deal with, and it lets us off the hook for trying to figure it out and deal with it.

I want you to know that all of your feelings are valid and you'll receive nothing but care and understanding here, we're here to walk your journey with you.

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Dear all

Thanks for your replies and encouragement words. Everyone including my friends is telling me that i am truly trying my best to successfully pass my griefing and bereavement period. And thankyou all for that.

However everytime i thonk 

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Hello once again

It is nearly mn and i am just lying in bed hearing some music and crying. Crying because i feel too much lonely! I cannot bear my loneliness any longer. What did i do to deserve all this in life??? I always tried to love and respect as much as i can but it seems that God wants me to be lonely...

Everyone is telling me that maybe some day i will meet another man. Yet i do not think this will ever happen. I am already 43 years old. I have some small health issues like anyone else yet i doubt that i will meet anyone who is ready to take me now that i am getting older. 

And to say all the truth. I am not ready to take someone who has kids of his own. I do not have my own and i do not want any problems. I do not want someone who smokes because cigarettes just make me sick....so i will not find anybody....all my colleagues tell me that i just have to accept anyone that comes around. But i am not ready to take someone who is like this. Paul was perfect 4 me but he decided to leave me the way he did without any explanation!!!

I miss his love his affection and i feel lonely. I miss him but at the same time i am just angry at him because he left me all alone. I know he did not know what he was doing but he should have spoken about it....why did you leave me in despair?????

Is there anyone of you who felt or feels the same way as me. I just feel so lonely that i am afraid i will fall into a depression. And i do not want this to happen to me. 

I am doing all i can. I am keeping myself busy but when i find myself alone at home or in bed i just start to experience loneliness....

Help me pls help !!!#

Micho

 

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Micho,  I wish i could say something to help you. Loneliness is part of the grieving. It hits us when we are not focusing on something else and when we are alone and most vulnerable to it.When I am especially lonely, I pray more than ever and talk to my husband as if he was here. I write him letters. It helps me get through the roughest high point of the loneliness.

There are no real answers in handling loneliness. Everyone of us here has to deal with it and find ways to cope through it.

(HUGS) to you Micho---

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KMB, thank you for always being there to encourage people, you are like an angel on this site.

Micho, My heart goes out to you.  Try not to think about what will or won't happen, just get through today, taking on tomorrow is too much.  It is possible for you to meet someone if that is what you want.  I don't know why Paul left but it wasn't because of anything you did or didn't do, it was something within himself he felt too much to handle.  It's okay to feel love and anger all at once, they're both valid emotions.

The loneliness is hard, I still struggle with it after all these years.  I get out almost every day, am around people, but it isn't the same as that special person that cared about you more than anything in the world.  It isn't the same as being with the person you could share your heart with and talk to.  I made a close friend but she moved three years ago and there just isn't anyone I can open up with since.  I miss my George just as you miss your Paul.  It does help to be able to voice it here.  And getting my dog helped. 

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Micho,

I am so sorry for your pain, and even though it hurts like hell, no, it is hell, know that God does not want you, or any of us to be lonely. It would be nice if God would tell us His plans before they come to pass. But what HE really wants from us is faith—simple, childlike trust in HIS goodness, power, and love.  When we lose a love one of this multitude, we can only see a bleak and empty future; but if we keep remembering that God loves us and has the power to help us and provide for our future, we are able to keep hope alive and our faith will remain strong. Compassion, anger, and love are all emotions that God knows; so HE knows how we feel when we suffer loss - his son, Jesus went though it so that we can live.

 Because we live in a fallen world, life inevitably includes sorrow and grief and the death and the loss of anyone we value, causes grief.   However, God has a higher purpose for all of us and HE will use our most painful times to mature us, to draw us into closer dependence on Him. 

I get it, truly get it.  I miss my Charles like crazy and always question God.  But you know what? HE can handle it, even when we blame HIM for our loss.  HE wants us to accept what HE sends us and still trust HIS goodness and HIS love. HE has a purpose for our sorrow and loss. Some heartaches simply make us realize that God's way is best. Whatever the pain, God means it for good in our lives.  Sometimes it may take years for us to see the pattern God had in mind when HE brought sorrow into our lives. But know this: God is sovereign. Nothing happens in heaven or on earth that HE does not know about and even permit. That is tough theology.

So do all you can, and when you have nothing left but God, know that God is Enough.  We will get through is pain and suffering; when, I can't say, but I know we will. In our time, probably not, but in God' time - definitely!

God bless and keep you, keep us all, safe.

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17 hours ago, Francine said:

Because we live in a fallen world, life inevitably includes sorrow and grief and the death and the loss of anyone we value, causes grief.   However, God has a higher purpose for all of us and HE will use our most painful times to mature us, to draw us into closer dependence on Him. 

This is the epitome in a nutshell.  Your faith is exemplary.

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7 minutes ago, KayC said:

Your faith is exemplary.

Thanks KayC.  While at times, it feels as if it is being tested, for me, God is the only way. I don't say this lightly, but when I'm at my lowest, God comforts me - literally.   I would rather live my life as if there is a God and die to find out there isn't, than live my life as if there isn't a God and die to find out there is.

 

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So true, and if this isn't a testing of our faith, I don't know what would be.

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