Lost my husband/best friend/soulmate

[Mrsviden]

Hi, I'm new here and I guess the whole reason for me being here is I'm trying to reach out to someone who actually has been where I am instead of someone who thinks they know how it feels. 

My husband passed away from leukemia 2 months ago today. We were together for a total of 12 years, 4 years married, the whole time of marriage I was a housewife who lived to meet all of my husbands needs. Last year the day after my birthday he was diagnosed with AML, and despite what the doctors said I always prayed for a miracle and never thought there would be a day I would have to live without him. 

From the very beginning we clicked and were inseparable, we met when I was 10 years old and have been together ever since. We both always said we fell in love when we met.  

Now that he's gone, I feel as if I'm gone too. I long to be with my husband again and just be able to see him and talk to him again. Ive had a tough time with my in laws, who became mad that they weren't on some insurance policies so we aren't talking, they didn't even come to the funeral, my family just thinks I should get over it and find someone new. Some days are better than others, days like today were days I feel I can't go on any longer. I feel like I am just lost, I no longer have anyone to take care besides myself. This was the man I was supposed to be married to for 40+ years, the one I was supposed to have children with, to share my dreams with. 

I look at old pictures of us together, I look at the ones of us together when he was in the hospital, and I just can't believe he's not coming back. I've received multiple signs from him, but it's just not the same as him being here physically. 

I feel guilty, like I didn't do enough, what if we didn't decide to have that extra round of chemo. I struggle with feeling my husband is disappointed in me, almost as if I've let him down. 

[Zoe jane]

I no how u feel my love. My hub died 7Jan suddenly he was porley but turned bad that day. his family also turn there back on me after 23years . I'm lost at moment. My heart aches don't want to be here without him. Everyone returns there fabulous lives ive lost mine. I have terrible money troubles. I don't see any light at end off this tunnel. All my life I've always helped others now things not good for me I have no one to lean on. My children are only reason I carry on each day. So I no how you feel the pain loss your suffering. This is only place I can talk cos people avoid you. Don't want to listen to your pain. I guess having family support makes a difference. My family didn't attend his wake either. I feel your guilt too if only I had taken him to hospital sooner. If we had help ive gone over it time and time again. Please feel free to let it all out as I'm suffering it too. Thinking of you. 

[Mrsviden]

My husband had came home from the hospital on Jan. 5 and passsed away on the 8th. When we left the hospital we knew that he was going to come home and pass away, we just didn't expect it to be 3 days later. I'll never forget when I called his sister and she said "yeah I figured he'd die as soon as he got home" I then sent packages to all of his sisters because I'm just that type of person I'll give give give even if I'm treated poorly, well she rejected my package. The crappy thing of this whole thing is when she was informed that she was on a life insurance policy she demanded to know the information on how to collect her 8,000. So she wouldn't accept a package full of her brothers belongings and things from the viewing and the funeral but she'd accept money. I just don't understand that. 

My husband tried calling her for days before he passed and she wouldn't return her calls. My heart aches for him, because he didn't deserve to be treated so wrong. 

we didn't have children together and no family lives around so it's just me alone here trying to work through my grief. I've tried reaching out to my neighbor, but one thing I've learned in all this is people who haven't been through what we have don't want to listen to you, they often tell you to get over it or to just take a xanax and go to sleep it'll be better tomorrow. 

Since losing my husband, all the guys at his work has said you're young you'll find someone to sweep you off your feet. I think that also hurts because they speak of him like he meant nothing to me or our marriage was nothing. I know I'm new into the widow world, but in my eyes and in my heart I'm still very much married, I will never take my rings offf as he was the last one to put them on me. When you meet someone who means so much to you, you just don't move on from them. 

[Zara19]

Hello Zoe Jane and Mrsviden

I'm sorry to read of your loss and distress although I know "sorry" is simply not enough.

I lost my Husband 22 weeks ago just a day after my birthday and it was sudden and unexpected at the time even though anticipated.  I too am plagued by the if only/what if scenarios and the guilt feelings so it's like having this horrific grief but with sharp, jagged edges as well.  I have pictures of me and my Husband when he was in hospital at a time when there was still hope so at that point life without him didn't seem to register with me.  After a while it feels very much like "it's your pain, you deal with it" and it's so horrendous and lonely.  The unanswered questions I have about his time in hospital haunt me, would it help to know what went wrong - I don't know.  There seems no reason to carry on as I'm sure I'm just turning into a bitter, bad tempered and sad individual, the opposite of my lovely Husband.  Sorry to be a misery.  Take care

[Zara19]

Mrs Viden

Hello I think our messages had just crossed each other as I was typing a reply to you.

I am so sorry for your distress.  My Husband left hospital too but passed away on the same evening.  I am so distraught for him as he was a gentle soul who deserved much better, as your Husband, and my heart also aches for my Husband like yourself.

Don't let other people get you down, easier said than done I know and as for the men at work they probably have limited thought processes.  I would have been alarmed if the women had said that to you.  Sadly, that's what families can be like isn't it when a loved one passes away.  We had no children either and had been married 15 years.

I wish I could be more positive to you but I wish you heartfelt warmest wishes and please try to look after yourself.   

 

 

 

[Mrsviden]

Zara19,

I'm very sorry to hear of your loss. Cancer is one of those things no one ever deserves, as it can quickly take a person from 0-100. I watched my husband decline and I think that one of the hardest things a wife can do. My husband went from running with me everyday to not even getting out of bed. I carry around a lot of guilt that I didn't do enough for him. Each day I wake up and it's a struggle to even get up and be productive, because everything has a memory, or I guess they call them triggers. I just wish I could call my husband and ask him if he proud of me, does he still love me, does he watch over me. If I just had that one more day, would things be different? But reality is I don't have one more day. Losing him I lost more than just my husband, I lost my soul mate, my partner, my best friend, my go-to, literally my everything. I wish you the best in this long journey. 

[Mrsviden]

48 minutes ago, Zara19 said:

Zara19, 

i also feel like I'm mad at the whole world because they get to move on or go home to their husband and I don't. It really bothers me to see women treat their husbands so badly as I would give anything to take care of my husband for one more day even one more second. While my husband battled cancer, I did sometimes feel i was battling it too, you sit there and wait for the doctors come in and tell you some sort of miracle news instead they tell you your husband has days to live. How are you supposed to process that?? I struggle finding reasons to carry on, no one calls to check on me so why should I stay? I guess it all has to do with i have to live on to keep my husbands memory alive. 

 

[ModHerc]

Mrsviden,

There are no words that will help you with the loss of your husband, but I am so sorry that you had to join us in this miserable club.  I lost my wife to a sudden heart attack on Christmas Eve.  We all understand the pain, the loneliness, the guilt, and the questions.

His family sounds unbelievable.  Dealing with that must be an incredible burden on top of the rest of this. I am so sorry they are not supportive of you.  They may be dealing with the grief in their own way, but that is no excuse.  You are not an insurance representative.  I think giving the sister the phone number and telling her to call them directly would be appropriate.  I am also sorry your own family doesn't seem to understand.  I guess I have been fortunate in the support I have received, and I am truly sorry you haven't had the same.

I hate those phrases.  "It will be better tomorrow", "You will move on", "It isn't the end of the world", even "It will be OK" when it is spoken without true thought behind it.  They are given to us by well meaning people with no true understanding of what is happening to us in our lives.  With no empathy for our feelings and grief.  It really isn't their fault, they are simply ignorant to what this is like for us.  I've gotten to the point where I can thank them for their sympathy and move on with my day, but it did take a lot of work.  I sometimes look at them with pity, knowing that one day they will suffer a similar loss, and then understand what this is.  I try not to go down that path because it borders on wishing them ill, and I wouldn't wish this on anyone.

Please be kind to yourself.  Guilt is a part of this process, but it is NOT your fault.  We all did what we could to help our loved ones.  We did the best we could with the information we had at the time.  We would do anything to change the outcome, but sadly we can't.  I am positive your husband always loved and still loves you.  I know he would be proud of you for dealing with this unthinkable situation we find ourselves in.  I don't know for sure if he watches over you, my belief is that he does, but I can't offer you that assurance.  What I can tell you is that the time you spent with him, the memories of your life together, and the love you shared have forever changed you as a person.  They have made you better, and stronger, though it may not feel that way right now.

Your loss is still very fresh, I know I was in complete shock for over a month.  Take care of the basic things, drink, eat, sleep, and exercise even if only stretching when you can.  Take it one moment at a time.  Treat yourself as you would treat your loved one if they were feeling the way you are.  You have found a place where people will at least understand what you are going through.  There are some wonderful people here that have helped me tremendously through this process.  Wishing you as much peace and comfort as you can find,

Herc

[KayC]

I am so sorry for your loss.  As a caregiver, you have lost your husband, which in and of itself is the hardest thing you can go through, but you're also dealing with loss of identity and purpose as your role during this time was taking care of him.  It's no wonder you're reeling.  
You mention feeling like you should have done more, guilt is a common grief feeling, it's not necessarily based in reality, but it's a feeling we experience nonetheless.  I hope you will find this article of some help to you in explaining it:
http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/12/grief-and-burden-of-guilt.html
There are many additional articles linked to the bottom of this one as well.

[Mrsviden]

Herc, 

you have absolutely no idea how much your words mean to me. Truly only someone who has been in these shoes we walk in everyday understand. I'm very sorry to hear about the loss of your wife. 

I too hate the phrases of "it will get better in time" "just take a xanax" "get over it, you're young you'll move on." I still have a lot of time to grieve until I'm able to let it go in one ear and out the other, until I'm able to not get so angry. 

I smile knowing how fortunate I am for falling in love at such a young age and being with the same man my whole childhood. But I'm only human, I wish for more time. 

[Mrsviden]

47 minutes ago, KayC said:

I am so sorry for your loss.  As a caregiver, you have lost your husband, which in and of itself is the hardest thing you can go through, but you're also dealing with loss of identity and purpose as your role during this time was taking care of him.  It's no wonder you're reeling.  
You mention feeling like you should have done more, guilt is a common grief feeling, it's not necessarily based in reality, but it's a feeling we experience nonetheless.  I hope you will find this article of some help to you in explaining it:
http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/12/grief-and-burden-of-guilt.html
There are many additional articles linked to the bottom of this one as well.

Thank you for your kind words and the article, I will definitely look at them. Losing my husband was hard in itself and you hit the nail on the head when you said that by me being his caregiver, ive lost my identity. I've taken care of him for so long, I quit my job so I could do it full time and now I feel as if I have nothing left in me. 

[KayC]

It takes a while to redefine yourself after such a loss, the grief seems compounded.  One day at a time will get you through this, surrounding yourself with positive support, such as coming here.  In time you can work on finding purpose and rebuilding your life but right now just getting through the day is task enough in itself.  Don't be afraid to let yourself cry when you feel the need to and be patient and understanding with yourself.  I've often compared grief to brain trauma, it literally throws us for a loop and is not easily gotten through, this is something that can take us a very long time to process, let alone adjust to.

[KMB]

Mrsviden----i am sorry you had to find this forum and be a part of this club. I am sorry for the loss of your husband, which brought you here. We've lost so much and it is so painful and lonely. We lost our identity and life as we knew it. My husband passed of sudden cardiac arrest. I still cannot believe the reality I find myself in. My husband had congestive heart failure due to diabetes and other complications. The last 10 years of his life I found myself going into the caregiver role. Especially the last 6 years. I took it on willingly and lovingly. i accepted that role as part of being a wife and honoring our marriage vows. As much as I wish my husband could come back, I would not wish for him to be suffering with health conditions.

We are lost and adrift in a foreign world that we do not want to be in, but we have no choice. Take it one day at a time. Take care of yourself, be kind and patient with yourself. Our loss requires us to absorb and process what happened. It is going to be a long, painful journey to find ourselves and a different meaning to keep on living.

[Mrsviden]

1 minute ago, KMB said:

Mrsviden----i am sorry you had to find this forum and be a part of this club. I am sorry for the loss of your husband, which brought you here. We've lost so much and it is so painful and lonely. We lost our identity and life as we knew it. My husband passed of sudden cardiac arrest. I still cannot believe the reality I find myself in. My husband had congestive heart failure due to diabetes and other complications. The last 10 years of his life I found myself going into the caregiver role. Especially the last 6 years. I took it on willingly and lovingly. i accepted that role as part of being a wife and honoring our marriage vows. As much as I wish my husband could come back, I would not wish for him to be suffering with health conditions.

We are lost and adrift in a foreign world that we do not want to be in, but we have no choice. Take it one day at a time. Take care of yourself, be kind and patient with yourself. Our loss requires us to absorb and process what happened. It is going to be a long, painful journey to find ourselves and a different meaning to keep on living.

I totally agree with you when you say we want them back but not with the sickness they had. Being a caregiver had its days, but I loved being able to be the one to take care of him and not some stranger. We had 8 months full of in and out of the hospital and I watched it take a toll on not only him but myself as well, but that also gave us time spent together and more memories made. I remember a couple days before he died I went over to hug him and I just started crying and he said what's wrong baby, and I said I'm just so scared of losing you. He then said listen to me, you've been my day one girl and it's been an honor to have you as my wife, you've taken great care of me and I couldn't ever thank you enough for that, I said baby I'm just doing my job as your wife. I'll never forget him telling me I was his day 1 girl, he was my first boyfriend, my true love, and everything in between. The time we shared wasn't near long enough but it was long enough to last forever. 

[KMB]

Mrsviden----We all feel that the length of time wasn't enough. We were all supposed to have more time, grow old together and go out of this life together. Life, medical issues, blew our fantasy's right up.What we all had, enjoyed, loved, with our soulmates will have to sustain us the rest of our lives. For my husband, there is no cure for congestive heart failure. The specialists told us another 2 or 3 years. Unfortunately, they were wrong. We loved intensely, now we are grieving intensely. This is the hardest trial of our lives and we have to survive it the best we can.

[Mrsviden]

KMB, I'm very sorry for your loss, I'm thankful to have found this site to know there are people out there feeling the same way I do. I keep having these memories of him pop up and he's wearing a certain shirt and I feel this urgency to go locate the shirt, it's almost as if my life depends on finding this shirt. 

[KayC]

I hope you find his shirt and it brings you comfort.

[Francine]

 

Msviden

I am so sorry for your loss and know your pain.   I lost my love, my husband of almost 45 years, three months ago and still feel as if I'm in a nightmare that I can't awake from. Generally, people don't know what to say to someone who has lost a part of themselves.  I'll give them the benefit of the doubt; they really mean well, they're just ignorant to the right words to say and say what they think will make us feel better. Even though I want to say, no you don't know how I feel, I'll say nothing.  

Yours sounds like a fairy tale; meeting and falling in love at such an early age.  The only thing wrong with your fairy tale is the ending; you didn't get to live happily ever after with your prince..  Although twelve years seems like a relatively short period of time, it appears you loved a lifetime.  You sound like myself, I wanted to meet (and hopefully did) all my husband needs and loved doing so. 

I'm sorry you are having difficulty with your in-laws and it is so sad they didn't see fit to attend his services.  Family is supposed to be our safe haven.  Very often it's the place where we find the deepest heartache.  It's funny how sometimes the people you think you'd take a bullet for, are the ones behind the trigger.  Someday, I hope you will be able to forgive them  Forgiveness is not always easy.  At times, it feels more painful than the wound we suffered, to forgive the ones that inflicted it.  Yet, there is no peace without it. 

My hardest thing is learning to live without him.  We too were inseparable and always together.  If you saw one of us, you saw the other.  We did everything together, The day he was taken, I prayed, prayed and prayed again asking that God not take him.   I was angry and drowning from my own tears and thought God had abandoned me.  But I learned that when you feel you're 'drowning' in life's situation, don't worry, Your lifeguard walks on water. How amazing is that?

I think we've all felt guilty, God knows I have.  Know that whatever you think you are guilty of, would have not changed the outcome.  I believe we all have a time to be on this earth and when our earth pilgrimage is complete we are taken; yet our spirit lives on.   I don't know why things happen the way they do, and sometimes it is not for us to know.  I'm learning,  instead of saying 'I can't do this' or 'how can I go on' , I now am saying, 'Lord, I can't wait to see how you do this.  Often times our plans don't work out because God has better ones.  

Know that you are not alone and we are all on this journey together.  I hope you continue to post; we are all here trying to uplift one another in any we can.  Stay Strong and God bless you, God bless us all.  

[Mrsviden]

38 minutes ago, Francine said:

 

Msviden

I am so sorry for your loss and know your pain.   I lost my love, my husband of almost 45 years, three months ago and still feel as if I'm in a nightmare that I can't awake from. Generally, people don't know what to say to someone who has lost a part of themselves.  I'll give them the benefit of the doubt; they really mean well, they're just ignorant to the right words to say and say what they think will make us feel better. Even though I want to say, no you don't know how I feel, I'll say nothing.  

Yours sounds like a fairy tale; meeting and falling in love at such an early age.  The only thing wrong with your fairy tale is the ending; you didn't get to live happily ever after with your prince..  Although twelve years seems like a relatively short period of time, it appears you loved a lifetime.  You sound like myself, I wanted to meet (and hopefully did) all my husband needs and loved doing so. 

I'm sorry you are having difficulty with your in-laws and it is so sad they didn't see fit to attend his services.  Family is supposed to be our safe haven.  Very often it's the place where we find the deepest heartache.  It's funny how sometimes the people you think you'd take a bullet for, are the ones behind the trigger.  Someday, I hope you will be able to forgive them  Forgiveness is not always easy.  At times, it feels more painful than the wound we suffered, to forgive the ones that inflicted it.  Yet, there is no peace without it. 

My hardest thing is learning to live without him.  We too were inseparable and always together.  If you saw one of us, you saw the other.  We did everything together, The day he was taken, I prayed, prayed and prayed again asking that God not take him.   I was angry and drowning from my own tears and thought God had abandoned me.  But I learned that when you feel you're 'drowning' in life's situation, don't worry, Your lifeguard walks on water. How amazing is that?

I think we've all felt guilty, God knows I have.  Know that whatever you think you are guilty of, would have not changed the outcome.  I believe we all have a time to be on this earth and when our earth pilgrimage is complete we are taken; yet our spirit lives on.   I don't know why things happen the way they do, and sometimes it is not for us to know.  I'm learning,  instead of saying 'I can't do this' or 'how can I go on' , I now am saying, 'Lord, I can't wait to see how you do this.  Often times our plans don't work out because God has better ones.  

Know that you are not alone and we are all on this journey together.  I hope you continue to post; we are all here trying to uplift one another in any we can.  Stay Strong and God bless you, God bless us all.  

Thank you for those kind words, I am deeply sorry for your loss of your husband. Yes my husband and I were inseparable and if he wasn't working we were together! I was looking at his Facebook last night and the things he would post and the things I would comment had me laughing, because we were in my eyes so funny. When I found those posts it reminded me of the times before he became really sick. There were even a few videos of us on the back of the Harley. 

The night he passed and I felt him take his last breath I cried out and begged God not to take him. I was angry I didn't get a chance to say goodbye, it just happened. But from what I've read is that more than likely my husband didn't want that to be my last memory of him. Instead the might he passed I kissed him goodnight and told him I loved him and he said it back. 

As far as my in laws go, I never thought they would turn on me until towards the end she was asking a lot of questions about money and who was on what. When I sent the package to her and it was rejected, of course I was hurt BUT I must forgive not for their sake but for my own. 

As you said I think one of the hardest tasks to do is to live without him. My husband always said he believed in destiny and although we didn't get 50 years together the time we did have were amazing and longer than what most people my age have. 

I wish you well and hope you stay strong...

god bless

[KayC]

Mrsviden,

You are taking the high road, and that is always best.  Yes, we forgive, for our sakes, so we don't let them have the power to embitter us, to release us from the grasps of their toxicity.  It could be they are so steeped in grief it's affecting their rationale and thinking.  

I've learned it's really not as much quantity of time as quality of relationship that matters, although Lord knows we wish we could have had both.