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The worst pain I've ever felt


Nimdove

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The other day, my dad suddenly passed away.

On Friday at around 1:30 in the morning I was woken up by my mom. She told me not to freak out, and that my dad has been in a car accident. I immediately freaked out and started sobbing. I couldn't control it, but my sisters were sleeping in the other room. I eventually calmed down and my mom told me that she was going to the hospital. After she left, I tried to sleep. I couldn't. I stayed up the rest of the night texting my mom to get as much information as I could. She said that his brain was okay and that he could move his arms and legs. He did, however, have internal bleeding. He was taken into surgery and died, because his heart stopped.

I had fallen asleep for an hour, because I thought that he would get through this. I thought he would get out of surgery and he would come home. My mom called me from downstairs, waking me up, and said that she wanted to see me. I walked downstairs and before I could get to the bottom, I saw boots that resembled my dad's. I immediately got excited and stepped down a few more only to see that it was my uncle. I walked into the other room where my mom was. I heard my sisters crying, but I thought it was because they were told he was in an accident. Then my mom looked at me and whispered, "Daddy didn't make it." At first I refused to believe her and I ran back upstairs sobbing. It didn't seem real. 

That whole day was pretty bad. I would go from sobbing to being fine, back to sobbing. It's still like that today. Every time I see something of his or something that reminds me of him, I start crying.

I think that the main thing that bothers me is that his death wasn't fast. He was drunk and speeding. He wasn't wearing a seatbelt. He missed a curve and ran into a ditch and the car flipped 7 times. He was ejected from the seat and broke some ribs, his pelvis, neck, and severed his spine. He was still conscious when the police found him an estimated 45 minutes after the accident. They put him under anesthesia in case they had to do emergency surgery. I believe that he would have lived if he was found sooner.

My last words to him were, "Get out of my room." He was drunk and yelling at me. I didn't see him after that.

My dad has been an alcoholic his whole life. It sucks, but he was an amazing person when he wasn't drunk. He was selfless. He did anything he could to help any and everyone. I loved him so much. 

I'm only 17. The funeral was today, but the viewing was on my birthday. When I saw him for the first time, I wanted to explode. It took everything I had to not drop to the floor and scream. He was drained of his usual red tint. I couldn't wrap my head around the fact that he wasn't alive. I stared at him for 20 minutes expecting him to just get up and tell me it would be okay. I calmed down by convincing myself that he was at peace. My dad was only 46. He had a good 40 or so years left, but that was cut short. 

I'm having trouble coping with this whole thing. I don't know when the crying will stop. I haven't felt genuinely happy at all since before it happened. I've had a constant feeling in my chest since I heard the news. It feels like a weight is sitting on my heart. I don't feel like eating, drinking, leaving my house, or anything. I just want to sleep, because sleeping is the only time I'm not thinking about it. 

I constantly feel like crying. When I'm not, I'm angry. I feel like there is a void that can never be filled. My uncles will probably step up and be a father figure to me and my sisters, but it won't be the same. I have felt alone since it happened. I've been surrounded by friends and family since this whole thing began, but I've felt so alone. I've tried talking about how I feel with people, but it hasn't helped. Every time I think about how much of a good person he was and how he impacted my life, I cry even harder because he didn't deserve what happened to him.

I feel like my whole world has collapsed around me. I haven't stopped crying since the start. I don't know what to do. I'm trying to accept God into my life. I had my doubts before, but I think my faith will be my only solace. 

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Hi, I'm 17 too and my dad past away from acute liver hepatitis recently, very unexpectedly. He too was an alcoholic, due to severe depression. When he wasn't consumed by his ill mental health he was the best dad i could have ever asked for, my closest family member by a mile off. Thinking he would wake up, that he'd tell you it's all okay is completely normal. When I visited my dad in the funeral home I couldn't accept that he wasn't just going to open his eyes, but I also couldn't bare standing in there for longer than a minute, and I regret that now because I'd love to see his body again, even though he didn't look like himself at all. The thing is, shock, regret, guilt, they're all normal feelings that we should be experiencing. some of the last conversations I had with my dad weren't very nice too. I'd said some Harsh things, but in the end I was just trying tough love with him because nothing else had seemed to get through to him. I wish I showed him that I loved him immensely instead though. I hope you don't feel guilt, but kno that with alcoholic parents it's very common and normal. Going over what we wish we did/said instead. But what we must remember  is that coping with someone like that really takes its toll on you too, -and we were important in all of this crap. What we did do was all we could do at the time. The intense sadness we are feeling only shows the love we had for our dads, and I'm sure that their many beautiful qualities which they have brought us up with will help us get through this. I am really sorry for your loss :( 

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