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8 months after and still nothing is better


notsurewhattodo

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notsurewhattodo

I'm not sure were to start other than I lost my mom 8 months ago to leukemia, she was 43. She went from healthy to bleeding out in front of us in 1 month and 5 days, I was 25. I have a younger sister who was getting married a few months later, my mom was able to help plan some thankfully. I also had a best friend who was getting married, so I had several distractions the first few months. In the 6 months following her death my best friend got married, I broke my leg, my sister got married, my grandfather died of pancreatic and my grandmother died of COPD. Stuff happened so fast while dealing with estate stuff that during those 6 months, I started getting panic attacks but I didn't really grieve.

Starting in December I started yelling at my long time boyfriend, and father of my child all the time, even in front of our child. I would accuse him of cheating, accuse him of hating me constantly ask for reassurance on everything while being terrible. The problem is while it's happening nothing seems out of the ordinary. I think at this point he is officially done with me. Which sucks, but I really can't blame him. Instead of getting help I have lashed out at him. My panic attacks now happen daily, I obsess over whether or not my boyfriend is cheating on me or wants to be with me, I have constant flashbacks of my mom dying, I still can't drive near the hospital she died in. Now to complicate this a little more, my boyfriend loves his job a lot, and his job is working for the oncologists that missed my mom's pancreatitis which caused her sepsis. He stays late, like he's always done, talks about how great the drs are and all the while I am getting so made at him, and at them. I start therapy tomorrow, but I just don't know that I am ever going to get out of this. How do you not push away people who are only trying to help? What if you have already pushed them away?

 

I just assumed everything would be better by now. But I miss my mom, and I just hate myself. I constantly feel that it would be best just to run away from everything and everyone. At least they could be happy without me dragging them down.

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Dear Friend,

My deepest condolences and sympathies on the loss of your mom, grandfather and grandmother. I'm so sorry for your losses. I know the pain and sorrow is overwhelming. You have been through so much in such a short period of time. Its only understandable to be angry or short even with those that at trying to comfort us in our grief. Everything you are feeling and saying is natural and normal. Its a lot for any us to cope with. People have compared the grief journey to an ocean wave. Its been almost 5 months for me and I don't feel better either.

I think it takes a long time for our minds and bodies to understand the trauma and shock of loss. I feel your pain. And I too wanted to run away from my life and the people in it. I know its not easy.

Please believe me, they all love you and care about you and want to help you. For myself, I have tried everything I can think of to understand my grief. When you are ready maybe consider talking to a grief counselor, joining a support group or seeking additional resources through the community or church. There are also wonderful websites like What's Your Grief and GriefShare.Org that can help.

Thinking of you. Sending you lots of love.

 

 

 

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Hi, I lost my dad a few months ago and it still hasn't gotten any better for me either . To loose so many people at once would be so heartbreaking and I really do feel for you, it's no surprise that you are having panic attacks, even I have been getting bad palpitations etc and I haven't lost multiple family members. The frustration for your boyfriend due to his job is totally understandable considering what they missed. I can relate in that sense, the hospitals failed to help my dad when he needed it too. Pushing people away, I've read that it's because we can't bare To go through the pain of loosing someone we love so so much ever again, so subconsciously we figure that if we aren't as close to them and they aren't so impacting on our lives then that wouldn't be so painful if it happened. Unfortunately, grief is going to get worse before it gets better, as the busyness and utter shock wears off, a load of other emotions are waiting for us. What we have to remember though, is that people do lose people all around the world, and they continue to live happy lives. This can't be like this forever. We will never be the same, but it doesn't mean we can't get through this and find happiness again. Their good qualities which they have passed onto us will help us get through all of this utter crap. Sending lots of love, you are a strong person. 

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My heart goes out to you losing your mom and grandparents, and so close together.  

I recently lost my mom, largely due to sepsis and after a long battle with pancreatitis.  A few years ago, my mom had lost both her parents within days of each other, followed suddenly by her sister a month later.  It was a hard time, but especially hard on my mom, who slipped into a long depression and often blamed herself for things out of her control.  We never really do recover from losses like these.  But in time we learn to live with it.  That's probably not much consolation, unfortunately.  Not every day will feel this bad, and I'm told eventually there will be more good days than bad ones.  

Anger and abandonment are symptoms of grieving.  My family and I started the grieving process before my mom passed (we had a few days of knowing she wouldn't make it), and we were occasional snapping at each other, and usually over nothing.  It's a hard thing to accept losing a parent, and it's completely normal for that pain to manifest as anger towards others.  Accusing your boyfriend of cheating or not wanting to be with you, in other words, accusing him of wanting to leave you in one way or another, also isn't unheard of.  Losing a parent can cause abandonment issues that we may project onto other loved ones in some way or another.  I've been with my fiance for 10 years, we're solid and he's been my rock, but I occasionally find myself feeling like he'd rather go out and do something than be stuck with a depressed girl.  But the thing is, that isn't really how he feels, and I know it, and when I'm not feeling so broken, I even believe it.  Sometimes we're gonna lash out at the ones we care about.  But the truth is, he's still there.  He must care about you, and it's very likely he understands you're going through a lot.  For me at least, the anger didn't stick around very long, only a couple weeks or so.  During that time, I didn't really care about apologizing to anyone.  Now I'm feeling more thankful for the people who were by my side throughout it all, those who went the extra mile, and have been writing thank you cards to mail them (I don't send cards, but my mom always did).  My boyfriend joked about wanting a thank you card, so this morning I left one on his desk.  He came out of his office and thanked me and gave me a big hug.  I think people ultimately understand we're in pain and will let some anger or emotional distance slide.  

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