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Today is week 3 and I made it through it


Sharyn01

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I didnt think I was going to after yesterday but I guess there was other plans for me. I did have a decent day, went to pay my feed bill, hubby and I have a rescue here on the farm and someone had went in and paid it for me. I only owed $31.30. That gesture totally blew me away, have no clue who it was that did such a thing because our monthly feed bill is in the upwards of $300 a month. I was really worried about having to find other rescues for the dogs,there are 15 of them, and some of them have been here since we started the rescue.but thanks to someone I can keep them for a little while longer. I am not wanting to give them up because if it wasn't for my farm responsibilities, I would just totally give up.

Last evening, I had a call from the hospital that Mike was in, it was the chaplain services wanting to offer berevement assistance to me, but to be honest, I am not really wanting to talk to anyone from there because I sincerely believe the hospital is the reason my hubby isnt with me anymore. Yea, I may never be able to prove it but I will never be convinced otherwise because they gave him a medication that should of never been given to him. I am so angry at the hospital and the Dr that keeps telling me that giving that medication is standard protocol, its unbelievable. I don't ever recall being so angry. Yea, some day I may not be, but today I still am and nothing is going to change that.

I am staying busy so I don't have to think because every time I do I break down and I am not wanting to do that. I have come to the conclusion its easier to think of him at work (he used to work some long long hours) then to think he isn't ever coming home again. I realize this probably isn't the healthiest choice for me but its the one that gets me through each day so I am taking it while I can because otherwise, I would be totally unable to function and I can't be that way.

Thanks again for listening (reading) to me, I just have no support whatsoever and even if I did, I am almost sure I wouldn't talk to anyone because no one I know can ever understand the pain I am in at the moment.

 

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Hi Sharyn01, I hope you're also feeling a sense of accomplishment for surviving those first few weeks. Mine were a daze, and on Sunday it will be four months since my loss. Eventually we do start counting in weeks and months, instead of hours and days, and I feel that's a good thing. 

I was just the fiancee, which makes it different, but I understand the anger. His family left me alone to deal with clearing out his place (other than what his sister wanted to take), and they've also left me with administering his estate, which has been hard to face. I'm finally ready to submit the court papers tomorrow.

I'm angry at them, angry at his oncologist, even at him sometimes for not taking better care of himself and leaving without saying goodbye. It took months to acknowledge that, and I wish I had words to help with it, but I don't. 

All I can say is you're not alone, and I hope that's a comfort to you. 

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17 minutes ago, His Monkey said:

All I can say is you're not alone, and I hope that's a comfort to you. 

That in itself, is what keeps me a little on the sane side. I keep saying I am not the first wife who ever lost her husband. But at times it sure does feel like it. I have never counted in days, because I just couldn't do it that way. I figure if I can survive from one week to the next, I am doing better than I give myself credit for. Everyone tells me how well I am doing, but if they only knew the truth of it.

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1 hour ago, Sharyn01 said:

That in itself, is what keeps me a little on the sane side. I keep saying I am not the first wife who ever lost her husband. But at times it sure does feel like it. I have never counted in days, because I just couldn't do it that way. I figure if I can survive from one week to the next, I am doing better than I give myself credit for. Everyone tells me how well I am doing, but if they only knew the truth of it.

Sharyn01,

First, I'm terribly sorry for your loss, the pain, the path you're on. You may not be the first to lose a husband, but you're the first to lose YOUR husband, and that's all that matters. Only you understand fully what he means to you, only you know the things you miss most, only you can walk the road you're on. As I've said before, we're all together here, yet all alone. This forum has been a Godsend for me. The outpouring of love, compassion and comfort is so appreciated and cherished. It's a little over two months since my wife passed suddenly and unexpectedly. In an instant my world and that of our daughters changed forever. The "future" is one giant question mark. 

Your anger is probably best handled by letting it run its course. If you're angry, be angry, or sad, or impatient or you feel like crying, cry. Let the emotions out, allow yourself to feel the full range of it all, you owe no one an explanation, this is your journey. Bottled up inside, they'll end up becoming a far worse problem. Allowing myself to feel whatever I needed to, was, for me anyway, an important step in coping. 

Its good that you have the rescue mechanism going, it may be that the "rescuing" could work for both you and the dogs. I know giving up some or all of them would be very difficult, so I indeed hope that it works out, at least in some form. I think that's a beautiful thing you two have done together, reaching out to help the otherwise helpless. 

We tend to think we're doing horrible, we know what's in our hearts, what thoughts, worries and concerns are weighing us down. Those on the outside see us going to work, putting gas in the car, taking the trash out, and probably think "well, at least he's able to function, he must be doing ok". We know that's NOT the case. We go through the motions because we have to. No ones going to do it for us. However, you've made it to this point, and even though it seems pointless or impossible at times, you can do this. Post often, if this is the "talking" you need, then please do so. I think it can only help. 

I don't quite perceive time the way I used to. Seems irrelevant somehow, not worth keeping up with. Time likes to erase memories, so I'm not on good terms with "time" right now. Hours, months, decades, it doesn't matter. My wife had 42 years on this earth. 420 wouldn't have been enough. I am grateful for the 27 years I had with her though, and time CANNOT take that away. 

Bless you, may you find peace and comfort, 

Andy

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I can relate to the time thing.  I am afraid that as more time goes by, my memories will fade, and all I have now is memories.  I have pictures all over the place, and I look at them all the time.  I only wish I took more pictures!  

I'm having a bit of a crying spell right now.  I'm just drained.  I was in the process of searching for a job and interviewing when Pat passed away.  So that was put on hold for a while but now I'm interviewing again.  So hard.  I try not to cry on the mornings I have an interview so I'll look halfway presentable, without the constant puffy eyes.  I suck it up and get through the interviews, somehow.  But it's exhausting putting on such a front.

With friends, and even not-so-close acquaintances, when they ask how I am, I don't say "fine", I tell them I'm doing "crappy", because I am.  It's only been a couple of months but the reality has still not set in.  The last few days I have found myself walking around my house, saying out loud, "Pat died, Pat is dead, the love of my life is never coming back."  I think maybe if I keep saying it out loud it will eventually sink in to my brain.  Every time I look at a picture I just can't believe I will never see him again.  When does the reality set in?  Not sure I want it to, but I know it has to at some point.  

Also, I'm feeling like my "crashes" are deeper lately.  Meaning that if I'm having a moment of "normalcy", the next minute I crash even lower than before.  I feel sadder and more lost.  This is such a roller coaster, and the hills are getting higher and steeper every day.  I just miss him so much, every minute of every day.

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The way I see it time is my enemy and my friend.  Time was what I had with her.  Time is what is taking me further from her.  Time with her is all I truly want now, and it is something I can't ever have again.  Time is the having and the loss.

But time may well be irrelevant.  The next world may be one in which time is merely another dimension.  Something as easily navigated as you would get up now to get a glass of water, or pick up a favorite book.  We may be able to go to the moment we first met them, or our first kiss.  I hope that is the case, and that we can share that with them over and over again.

And if it isn't that way, that is fine too.  I had those moments, and still have them in my heart.  After may be something different, or it may be nothing, but I will not trade those moments regardless.  They have become the best part of me, and though right now joy and happiness are foreign to me, they will always remain through those memories.

Sharyn01,

I am glad you made it through and had a decent day.  Be proud of yourself.  Regarding the bereavement assistance, I understand your reluctance with the hospital completely.  If you feel you do need further help, most local governments have free programs.  The police that came the night my wife passed gave me phone numbers.  If you can't find yours online, I bet the police non emergency line could give you the information.

At three weeks in I hadn't even begun to process anything, the shock still had me overwhelmed.  I wouldn't worry about what is healthy right now, just do what you have to to get through it one day at a time.  The help to make sure you can keep your rescues for now is truly wonderful.  You might give animal control or your local humane society a call to see if they can offer any help to stretch that further, or to begin an alternate plan in the event you can't.

I know Mike would be so proud of you.  We are here, listening and supporting in whatever way we can.  Hoping you find some ease from the pain, and comfort to match your incredible generosity and compassion,

Herc

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6 hours ago, HHFaith said:

I can relate to the time thing.  I am afraid that as more time goes by, my memories will fade, and all I have now is memories.  I have pictures all over the place, and I look at them all the time.  I only wish I took more pictures!  

I'm having a bit of a crying spell right now.  I'm just drained.  I was in the process of searching for a job and interviewing when Pat passed away.  So that was put on hold for a while but now I'm interviewing again.  So hard.  I try not to cry on the mornings I have an interview so I'll look halfway presentable, without the constant puffy eyes.  I suck it up and get through the interviews, somehow.  But it's exhausting putting on such a front.

With friends, and even not-so-close acquaintances, when they ask how I am, I don't say "fine", I tell them I'm doing "crappy", because I am.  It's only been a couple of months but the reality has still not set in.  The last few days I have found myself walking around my house, saying out loud, "Pat died, Pat is dead, the love of my life is never coming back."  I think maybe if I keep saying it out loud it will eventually sink in to my brain.  Every time I look at a picture I just can't believe I will never see him again.  When does the reality set in?  Not sure I want it to, but I know it has to at some point.  

Also, I'm feeling like my "crashes" are deeper lately.  Meaning that if I'm having a moment of "normalcy", the next minute I crash even lower than before.  I feel sadder and more lost.  This is such a roller coaster, and the hills are getting higher and steeper every day.  I just miss him so much, every minute of every day.

I understand everything you say. My partner died at home suddenly on 7 January. I feel lost, empty my heart aches with pain my loss. Our 2kids seem to be coping well but it's early days still. We were supposed to grow old together with grandchildren. My dream gone now I go to work 7days week bills are in a pile unopened. Feel I'm just existing now. His family what I thought were my family have not been intouch since funeral in Jan. I'm so hurt how they cut me off. So talk on here my only friend only way to release all crazy feelings I have. My best friend my soul mate no longer here. I have to live this life I have left alone. So I feel your pain. Sorry my writing not very good. Just try to get everything out though are with you. 

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8 hours ago, Herc said:

Sharyn01,

I am glad you made it through and had a decent day.  Be proud of yourself.  Regarding the bereavement assistance, I understand your reluctance with the hospital completely.  If you feel you do need further help, most local governments have free programs.  The police that came the night my wife passed gave me phone numbers.  If you can't find yours online, I bet the police non emergency line could give you the information.

At three weeks in I hadn't even begun to process anything, the shock still had me overwhelmed.  I wouldn't worry about what is healthy right now, just do what you have to to get through it one day at a time.  The help to make sure you can keep your rescues for now is truly wonderful.  You might give animal control or your local humane society a call to see if they can offer any help to stretch that further, or to begin an alternate plan in the event you can't.

I know Mike would be so proud of you.  We are here, listening and supporting in whatever way we can.  Hoping you find some ease from the pain, and comfort to match your incredible generosity and compassion,

Herc

To be honest, I really am not sure how much processing my mind has really done. Yea, I been doing some paperwork and things that need to be done, paying the bills that need paid, and all that but as long as I dont think about him being gone forever, then I can do what I need to do.

Mike is actually the one who wanted to start the rescue. And for 10 years we did it on our own, never asked for help at all from anyone. Now I may have to give up some of the very dogs that he promised this would be their last home. He was such a great animal person. He never met a dog that didn't love him. He was just that way. Most of our dogs are dogs that were dumped here in the vicinity of our farm. How someone could be so cruel is beyond me.

Yes, I do believe in his own way, Mike is proud of me. I haven't given in to the pain and totally lost my mind. And I am trying to remember him telling me, don't spend a lot of time crying. Do what you have to do and get back to doing what you know you are suppose to do. And pretty much I have done just that.

I still cant believe I am starting the 3rd week of life without him but I have learned to do things that I didn't have to do because he was the one that always did it. Which can only be a good thing in the end, learning new things is what life is all about. Although I wish he could see me trying to do some of the things he used to do. I am sure he would get a real chuckle out of it.

Im off to start my next day without him, so lets see what today brings.

 

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Thank you everyone for the replies. It really does help me knowing that I am not as alone as I feel at times. Friends are one thing that Mike and I didnt have many of. Our worlds was wrapped up in each other and our farm. This is where we chose to make our life together and I am amazed at how few friends he and I really did have. You never think about that until it is something that knocks you down.

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Sharyn,

I'm glad someone made that gesture and you can keep the animals a little longer.  Have you filed non-profit and considered getting contributions to help you keep them until a permanent home can be found, as a rescue?

That you have survived these early weeks IS a feat!  I think the earliest time on is truly hard, it's such a shock to go through.

14 hours ago, His Monkey said:

Hi Sharyn01, I hope you're also feeling a sense of accomplishment for surviving those first few weeks. Mine were a daze, and on Sunday it will be four months since my loss. Eventually we do start counting in weeks and months, instead of hours and days, and I feel that's a good thing. 

I was just the fiancee, which makes it different, but I understand the anger. His family left me alone to deal with clearing out his place (other than what his sister wanted to take), and they've also left me with administering his estate, which has been hard to face. I'm finally ready to submit the court papers tomorrow.

I'm angry at them, angry at his oncologist, even at him sometimes for not taking better care of himself and leaving without saying goodbye. It took months to acknowledge that, and I wish I had words to help with it, but I don't. 

All I can say is you're not alone, and I hope that's a comfort to you. 

His Monkey,

You're not "just the fiancee", you were the most important person to him!  I'm sorry his family left you with dealing with everything, they should have helped at least.  I understand your anger, that is part of grieving.  Good luck with the court papers, I'm glad you're getting through with that part.

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Sharyn01,

I'm glad you made it through week 3 fairly well; Monday was my 3rd month in and while it started OK, it didn't end that way.

21 hours ago, Sharyn01 said:

and someone had went in and paid it for me.

The people God put in our lives or in our paths are not there by accident; God has his reasons . Good people are like candles; they burn themselves up to give others light.  The more light you allow within you; the brighter your world will be. 

8 hours ago, Sharyn01 said:

Im off to start my next day without him, so lets see what today brings.

I know the feeling, starting each day without my Charles is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.   I think the hardest part for me is learning to live without him.  Wondering how I am going to fill the void, the emptiness that's left inside my heart now that he's no longer here.   I don't know what today or tomorrow will bring, and I'm not afraid to tell you I'm frighten; but I know I must keep going, we all must.  I know my Charles would have wanted that.  My faith tells me that no matter what lies ahead, God is always there.

God Bless and keep you strong.

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I have learned early in life (I was 18 when my Mom passed away, suddenly with no warning) that there is no guarantees of a tomorrow. But its still such a shock to get up each morning and realize that the man who loved me the most isn't here anymore and he is never coming back.

I am not sure what today is going to bring, but whatever it is, I will face it with bravery and the things that I learned over the 13+ years that Mike and I have been married. He always said "Dont worry about what you cant control". That phrase used to drive me crazy, because by nature I worry enough for everyone. But I am beginning to see why he used that phrase as much as he did. It was his coping mechanism and the way he dealt with things.

I have the proof I need that the doctor screwed up and gave him a medication he should of never gave him. Now my goal is that I am going to make sure it never happens to another veteran or veterans family. Yes I am not sure what path I need to take to do that, but I will until my dying day, work towards that goal. Mike was very proud of the time he spent in the Marines, and I am going to honor him in the only way I know how and that is making sure that what happened to him, happens to no one else. And I believe that is really helping me with my grieving right now.

 

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Sharyn

Im so sorry to read of your devastating loss of your darling husband.  I too was offered Bereavement services by the hospital but declined for the same reason.  They had opportunities to fix him and failed to act and there were mistakes made while he was in there that caused his decline.  I don't know if these mistakes would have had a bearing on the eventual outcome but he could have had more time.  It's for this reason and worrying about my errors / omissions that I am still experiencing trauma symptoms some 22 weeks on.  You are a special couple to take on a dog rescue service. Sometimes just one dog is like having a little toddler to look after. I wish you strength and send heartfelt empathy.  Kindest regards

 

 

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Sharyn,

I wish you well with your endeavors.  finding some purpose in the loss of our tragedy really helps.  

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Sharyn, I feel the same as you. Wake up in the morning and get hit with that reality that our beloved is not there. The one person who truly cared and loved us and *got us* is not there. I am so sorry with everything you are dealing with, I wish you the best with acquiring justice with the medication mess up. You must be extremely upset and angry. I would be also. Your husband was in the Marines, mine was in the Air Force. Everything my husband learned during those service years benefited him during the rest of his life.

You are doing the best you can under the circumstances. Stay brave and strong. Mike is cheering you on and sending you his love.

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2 hours ago, KayC said:

Sharyn,

I wish you well with your endeavors.  finding some purpose in the loss of our tragedy really helps.  

yes, it has gave me a way to channel my grief into a more productive way of dealing with it

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9 minutes ago, KMB said:

Sharyn, I feel the same as you. Wake up in the morning and get hit with that reality that our beloved is not there. The one person who truly cared and loved us and *got us* is not there. I am so sorry with everything you are dealing with, I wish you the best with acquiring justice with the medication mess up. You must be extremely upset and angry. I would be also. Your husband was in the Marines, mine was in the Air Force. Everything my husband learned during those service years benefited him during the rest of his life.

You are doing the best you can under the circumstances. Stay brave and strong. Mike is cheering you on and sending you his love.

Mike is the only one who ever "got me". We were two of the same, and that's what made our marriage work. I am only wanting the assurance that it will never happen to another veteran. Those folks deserve only the best, and they dang sure aren't getting it at this point. But if I can make a difference you can guarantee I am going to do my level best to make that difference. I am so angry with the VA that my blood boils at just the thought of them hurting our veterans. I guess that's what being married to that bald headed Marine taught me. He was proud of his service to our country and would do it again in a split second if the need ever arose. And I'm going to honor that in the only way I know how and that is preventing stupid mistakes like this from happening again.

I have no doubt whatsoever that Mike is cheering me on. He knows I have more fight in me than most people and I will not give up until I feel that this kind of mistake will never happen again. I don't want another veteran's family feeling the way I do. I just wont accept, it was a mistake, there has to be better precautions put into place to prevent such errors in the future. His death will not be shoved under the rug and forgotten. Its going to change the way things are handled at the VA if I have my way about it.

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Sharyn---You go, girl. Fight that damn VA! Your Mike and my Ed would have made good friends, talking about their service years. My husband was proud of those years and talked to anyone who would listen. I listened to his stories many times andIi do so wish he was still here telling his stories. Maybe, in Heaven, they have met up and sharing stories now.

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12 hours ago, KMB said:

Sharyn---You go, girl. Fight that damn VA! Your Mike and my Ed would have made good friends, talking about their service years. My husband was proud of those years and talked to anyone who would listen. I listened to his stories many times andIi do so wish he was still here telling his stories. Maybe, in Heaven, they have met up and sharing stories now.

We can only hope.

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It's such a beautiful thought, such a hopeful thing. My close friend who died of cancer, and my girlfriend. I think they would have gotten along really well. My friend always was hoping for me to find a girl who would treat me right, who would love me for who I was, and who I could love with all of my heart. He sadly was gone long before I met my girlfriend, but I have to believe he would have "approved" of her. I hope they're together on the other side, talking about me and sharing stories of the different lives they each had with me. I hope that he will thank her for giving me what she gave me, I hope that he will watch over her for me until I make it there to be with her again, I hope that she will watch over him as well. I always used to say I would have loved for the two of them to meet. Maybe now they have.

 

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fzald,

I'm sorry you've had TWO such losses, that's really hard.  Yes, maybe they have met now...

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