Jump to content
Forum Conduct & Guidelines Document ×

The only person I want to talk to is my mom but she's gone now


The Girl

Recommended Posts

  • Members

I lost my mom almost a month ago, on Feb 9.  My dad had rushed her to the hospital very early Jan 24th b/c she was going into septic shock.  That was the same day she was scheduled for a cochlear implant surgery (a device that restores hearing, she had lost her hearing a year ago), so in her excitement she refused to admit she wasn't feeling well.  This wasn't her first time going septic, it was the third - sepsis can be reoccurring b/c it's so hard on your body.  But b/c she's had sepsis before, even though it occurred to us that at any point she may not make it, we also maintained hope that her strong resolution would pull her through yet again.  Had it only been sepsis, she would have survived.  This time it was due to a c-diff infection in her colon, calling for emergency, life-saving surgery.  What we didn't realize until a week later while she was "recovering" in ICU was that during surgery her blood pressure dropped to 60/30, causing a massive stroke.  She was on strong pain meds and sedatives, so until then we thought she was too drugged to be coherent.  They took her off the sedative and lowered the pain meds and she was paralyzed.  I made very simple signs that she couldn't read.  I'm not even sure she recognized us.  With her being completely deaf and now not even able to move a finger, not able to read to give us any sign of comprehension, and not able to speak with a ventilator tube in her mouth, we hoped for any sign that she would pull out of it.

At first, the Drs seemed to think not everything would be permanent.  Her vitals were awesome and she was even able to breathe on her own for hours at a stretch.  We watched and waited for any sign of recovery.  Then the Drs reaccessed and they all signed off on her.  They said the damage was irreversible.   She had made it very clear she never wanted to be kept alive on life support, that if for some reason she ever ended up as a vegetable we would let her go.  

It felt very real at that point.  They took her off life support and my dad and two brothers and I huddled by her side.  I knew she wouldn't simply pass away.  She was strong as hell, and I could feel her pulse was unwavering.  The following day she was moved to hospice.  Even then we weren't expecting her to pass that day.  We were all exhausted, and the more fatigued we became the less real it felt.  My oldest brother and I live out of state, so we were all staying at my parent's house.  I got back to their house late that first night she was in hospice.  The nurse assured me my mom was unlikely to pass overnight.  But at 1:30 am, we got the call from my dad, who hadn't left her side in days, that she had passed.  My brothers and I drove back to hospice to say goodbye.  I don't think anyone slept that night.  My dad didn't get home til after 5 am and b/c I live so far away, I had friends visiting, one who flew in that morning b/c he had hoped to have the chance to say goodbye.  It was all a daze for awhile.  Eventually I had to fly home just to get some sleep, driving up later with my fiance and our dog (my mom's beloved "grand doggy") for the funeral. 

My mom was an amazing woman.  Growing up, she took in several of my friends, becoming a second mom to them as well.  I'm 34 now, she was 64.  But she left such an imprint on so many of my friends and family, b/c she was a unique spirit, and b/c we could all go to her about anything and w/o judgement she would guide us through life.  That first week, leading up to her funeral, we poured ourselves into making it special, in a way that spoke to her character.  I was in denial, but it also helped being able to honor her instead of only mourning her.  It was when I was driving home again that it started to hit me. 

The reality of it all comes in turbulent waves.  She and I were very close, even after I moved out of state over a year ago.  We texted a lot anyway, but after she had gone deaf that was the only way we could communicate.  I catch myself several times a day thinking I should text her, or expecting to get a text from her, only to get smacked in the face by the truth.  Some days are absolutely horrible while others I'm so lost in denial that I feel unphased aside from the depression.  I'm tired all the time and every day feels like I'm waking up to the same bad dream that won't end.  

I hate that I'll never know if she understood anything.  Did she know she was paralyzed, or that she couldn't read anymore?  She was clearly trying to read, and then a look of confusion would fall on her face before she'd look down.  Was she aware we were there?  I felt like she was, I think she looked at me and started crying, but I'll never know.  Did she know she was going to die when she was taken off life support?  I know she wasn't ready.  I'll never know if she had any concept during her last two weeks that she had a stroke and even though she would have pulled through everything else, she couldn't be saved from the life it would have left her with.  Wondering all of that and knowing that had she gone to the hospital sooner, before going into shock, she would still be alive just destroys me. 

I have friends and family who reach out to me, but I can't talk to them.  I don't want to talk to anyone who hasn't gone through this, and even the ones who have  lost a parent, I feel too overwhelmed and exhausted to care.  I know it will never get better, that I'll only find ways to cope.  But I have no interest in coping yet.  I'm just trying to make sense of it all and to know that it did happen.  

And I feel like, in time, I'm capable of that.  What I'm finding difficult is having the time for that.  People mean well, but they don't understand.  I tell them I need space and that I tend to internalize more than I care to talk about it.  I'm no stranger to the grieving process, I know what works for me.  But people who haven't gone through such a deeply tragic loss don't seem to understand how long it takes.  Just b/c I laughed at something yesterday doesn't mean I'm okay today, and a month in is practically nothing.  I'm not ready to see all those normal people moving on with their unaffected lives.  They make me feel like I have to hide just to avoid them, b/c my life doesn't move on now, and I don't want it to.  I'm not looking for distractions.  I just miss my mom.  

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Dear The Girl,

My deepest sympathies and condolences on the passing your beloved mom. Thank you for sharing your story with us. I can identify with so much of what you are writing about. I know there are no good words at time such as this. Thank you for being here and sharing your feelings. Grief is a universal experience that I wish none of us had to go through. Thinking of you and your family during this difficult time.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I have recently lost my father unexpectedly too, I can relate to a lot of what you are saying, particularly being annoyed at others for not understanding. Sometimes it's as if we should just be fine in their eyes, that it shouldn't be so intense for so long. But it is, and we are allowed to feel this way. Some People are trying to help, though, so try to appreciate their efforts, although they seem to go ahout it the wrong way. Frustration is a key part of my grief right now so I do relate. I am really sorry for your loss, I really feel for you and your family. Your mother was clearly a very impacting woman in your life and her good qualities will Carry on in you, to get you through this. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Reading your story about your dear Mother"s battle was done through many tears. See, I'm lost right now in a pain that i have never in my life had to endure because my Mom, my life long best friend just passed away 10 days ago from c-diff.  I've not even been able to bring myself to write about my own Mom's battle on here yet. It hurts too much and I cant see through the tears long enough. I searched for "loss of mom, c-diff" and Your story was the first that I saw. I know EXACTLY what you mean about not wanting to talk to anyone who knows nothing about the topic. My Mom too had a stroke, was on life support, had hardly any blood pressure at all....and that is just the beginning.  I hope to soon share my entire story of my mom's battle with becoming septic from c-diff but right now all i want is my mother back and that's all my brain can process.  I am sorry for your loss and these words may not help you but i was very relieved to read your words just now because for the first time since my mom was diagnosed Dec 28th, 2017......I feel like someone out there may feel the horrific gut wrenching pain that I am left with..... 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I just lost my mom a couple days ago and I can relate to so much that you've said. So far these last 3 days I have no idea what I am feeling. Yesterday was incredibly hard day, cried the whole day. Today no tears. My insides still hurt and I feel I am gunna fall apart unless hold onto myself. But I am just denying it. I Don't know how or why I switch back and forth between okay then not. 

I pray your doing better know. I am so sorry for your loss. You not alone. If you need someone to talk I am here to listen. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

This site uses cookies We have placed cookies on your device to help make this website better. You can adjust your cookie settings, otherwise we'll assume you're okay to continue. and uses these terms of services Terms of Use.