bjc

I'm 18, lost my mother and my soul feels incomplete

7 posts in this topic

I am 18 and I lost my mom February 16th to metastasized breast cancer to the bones and liver. I knew she wasn't going to live to see the age of 60 and I had just (literally two days) before come to terms with the fact that my mother was going to die before I wanted her to. I bawled my eyes out to my counsellor but she said I had taken strides in accepting my moms fate. Still, she was always so positive and had a bright look on the future, which in turn caused all of us to. The week before she died even while she was in the hospital she was the one reassuring me to take each day at a time. That was one of my last conversations with her actually, as I had called her the day before she passed (we thought she was coming home). When she went to the hospital, she was very yellow and had yellow eyes, and she was throwing up black more towards the end. The doctors apparently didn't know what was wrong with her but even before she went into the hospital I remember crying to my dad telling him these were signs of liver failure. I truly believe she kept her fate from us that week to spare us misery well we spent our last moments with her. Still, I was so scared but I had kept my positive energy until the very end. The last time my mom was conscious when I saw her, we talked about what life would be like without her, and we talked about personal things I've always wanted to tell her. She hugged me goodbye extra hard that night and now that I am looking back on it, it felt like she was saying goodbye. 

On the actual night she passed away, I was at soccer and my dad came in and looked at me and said we have to go. My stomach turned into a pit and I went into shock in our truck (I went into literal shock, I didn't not cry but my body was seizing up, I couldn't move and I was going numb). I gathered myself up, because I have a twin sister and a younger brother a sister. They were all crying hysterically, but I couldn't cry because I was in shock. When we got to the hospital we all sprinted up to my moms hospital room and seeing her like that made me start to cry hysterically. I couldn't believe the family rock, our spark and the love of each of our lives was actually leaving us. She was put into a sleeping state and we all said goodbye to her then. She passed three hours later and I was the last to kiss her goodbye. 

My immediate family is very close and because my mom was such a big presence in the community we have a lot of support, but ever since that day it feels as if my soul has been sucked out of me. I literally can't breath properly and I talk with my family about my feeling but my body still feels incomplete and soulless. I feel the lack of her presence every second of the day. she won't see my brother and sister graduate high school, she doesn't even know if I got accepted to the university of my dreams, I don't know her secret recipes, shell never see any of us fall in love and ill never see her eyes sparkle or hear her laugh. There are so many reminders of her everywhere, all over town and in my home, that it makes me ache so badly. Its so hard and its so confusing and scary all at the same time. I was so shocked that she left us so fast and that we had so many unanswered questions. I wish I could have one more minute to talk with her and tell her I love her and just to see her smile, I know this is all silly talk but my mom was the most ravishing sparkle and bad things arnt supposed to happen to pure and good people. I miss her so much and I don't know how I'm going to live the rest of my life without her. Im not saying that to be emo, I know we have to go on but I mean like I don't know how ill ever be able to laugh or build a family or stuff like that without my mothers love and guidance. 

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Dear bjc,

My deepest sympathies and condolences on the passing your beloved mom. I'm so sorry for your loss And all the pain and sorrow you and your family are going through. I know its hard. The emotions are very intense and raw right now. From what I've read you are a beautiful soul like your mom. And even though it doesn't feel like it right now, I know you will make it. And you will honor your mom's memory by carrying on the best you can. Sending you and your family all my love and prayers. Thinking of you.

 

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Hi, I'm 17 and my dad passed suddenly recently. I feel like you;  whatever kind of day I am on, I struggle to believe that I will ever feel completely happy again, whole if that makes sense. Because I feel like a big part of me is missing. We have to tell ourselves, though, that as heartbreaking as death is, people do go on to lead happy lives, and love their life. I'm hoping it's true, that after a long time, it becomes less intense. Like a deep wound, it hurts a lot while it's healing. But then it begins to scab over. Eventually a scar is left, we know it's there, our body isn't the same, but it works just as before. I really do feel for you, and I'm so sorry for the loss of your beloved mother. You will get through this. 

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Thank you for replying...just knowing that others have read my story offers me a little bit of comfort, 

and to H82017, it offers me an immense amount of comfort knowing that there is someone outside of my family in this world who is going through this piece of **** situation that I am going through that is around the same age as me. I wish we didn't even know what this site was and we both had our parents here on earth to love us, but just like you said, I know we can get through this tough time, even if it takes some time. Thank you x10 for reaching out.  

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Bjc, your post almost made me cry. No one should be left without moms at this young age. 

I'm older than you, almost twice, but even at this age I am scared to think of all the life ahead of me without my rock. I guess we need to take it one step at a time. You will carry on your mom inside you even without noticing it. Because that's what immortality is - her blood is running in your veins. I sometimes without thinking do or say things and eventually notice I did it exactly in the manner of my mom. 

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Aw it's no problem I'm really glad it comforted you, it helped me too.  I agree, never in a million years did I picture myself seeking help from this forum. Honestly though, their good qualities will live on in us as they were clearly very impacting figures in our lives, and those qualities will help us get through this!

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I am 20 and have lost my father and mother. I lost my mom to breast cancer as well. I may not be able to give advice because i don't even know how to handle it all myself but you are more than welcome to message me to talk or if you just want somebody who understands. Please feel free to reach out! 

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