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Loss of Best Friend. Self Sabotage


Jake R

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3 years ago, my best friend passed away in a car crash, and the way I naturally dealt with the event was a week or so of conscious grieving (cried once), gave a eulogy, and then jumped right into school the following summer. Long story short, for 3 years I have fallen into cycles of self-sabotage...whenever I come close to succeeding or accomplishing big tasks, I emotionally break down and quit.

This morning I realized that my best friend's death occurred at a time in my life when I was almost done with school, and I was making drastic positive strides in my emotional and mental health (Iv'e always dealt with anxiety and depression).

That being said, it's almost as if It is Nick's death conditioned my body and mind to believe that any time I come close to succeeding, something tragic will take place, and/or my emotions will fall apart. This has  led me down the path of self-sabotage, and I'm wondering if anyone else can relate to this?  In becoming aware of it, I can already tell some massive transformation is taking place in my emotions, but it is very bittersweet, and my emotions are all over the place.

I am now consciously grieving, have some pictures of him taped on my mirror, and if I get any inclinations to say "what's up" or "hi" to him, I let myself do so, and will continue to let myself do so as long as it doesn't consume my thoughts or my day.

Anyone else grieve in a similar manner?

Jake.

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Dear Jake,

I'm so sorry for you loss. I know its not easy coping with the loss of your best friend. Its very tragic and sad. It takes a long time for our minds to accept. We all grieve differently. There is no right way or wrong way. Do whatever you feel is right and will help you move forward.

If you want to, consider talking to a counselor, joining a support group or accessing resources in the community or church. There are so many people who can help in our long and torturous grief journey. I know its not easy.

Take care.

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Thank you. I am currently writing a book, and have a series of ideas that I believe are a result of the pain I am coping with. 

Jake. 

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