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I can't do this


Numb and Lost

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Numb and Lost

Right now I just feel like I can't do this. My emotions have been all over the place all day as I am sure you can tell by my multiple posts. I will feel like I am a little better and then I just feel like I'm losing it. I just feel like I want to throw everything and scream. I'm so angry.  I just don't understand it. I'm broken down in tears and I look at his picture and my heart just can't take it. I can't not look at it because I miss him and it's the only way I can see him. My chest literally hurts right now. I haven't been able to get out of bed today. I just don't know how to go on. For a few days I seem to be at least "making it" and today I don't want to eat I don't want to get up. I don't even sleep I just lay here. I've just been begging God to just come get us all, begging him because I'm not strong enough for this I'm just not. I just can't do it. It all just hurts so much. The history of how I knew him, the guilt of it, the fact he was never "mine", the fact that we were planning a day that we never got to have, I was so looking forward to seeing him again soon and I never got to. The fact I said to him "don't die on that thing." My heart just can't take it. It just can't. I don't know how to be here and just keep living with all this pain. I don't want to. I don't want to leave my kids and I wouldn't purposefully, but I don't want to be here like this. I just don't understand how he was just here and now he is just gone forever. I just want to pick up the phone and call him and it all be a terrible dream. I've even been so desparate that I've prayed for it to be just a really vivid bad dream that I can wake up from. I just can't believe this really happened. It never cease to have that shock that he is really gone. I have a little peace for a bit, not peace but just depression without the freaking out. But then it comes back because it just hits me and I just feel like I'm drowning in all of it. It just hurts so much I can't take it. 

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Numb and Lost,

I have no words to ease your pain.  All I can tell you is that I care for you, and that with time it will change.  Just giving you a virtual hug isn't much, but I hope it helps at least a little.  Hugging you with all my hopes,

Herc

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Numb,

I have been completely lost and hurting this entire week. Up until now I was sort of functioning, I was doing what I had to do even though it was incredibly hard, but this week i started falling apart. It is getting harder and harder to put on my happy face and do my job. Except for one friend who has actually experienced a similar loss, my friends are "over" it and are trying to make me move on. They don't understand, they can't, I know that. My family is starting to actually get angry with me for not having moved on sufficiently by now. I am actually feeling more and more alone. Even reading this board is doing less to help me feel better than it used to. I am stuck at the bottom of the well, I can't even see the light at the top, I can't even see into tomorrow or even this evening. 

I know how you feel, the constant aches and the breaking down more and more. I kind of wish I had something to live for, even a pet. I tried to find where my girlfriend's family sent her dog, but it sounds like she was already adopted out. We didn't have any kids, but we'd talked about it, it's something we were hoping to consider in the next couple years. So I really feel like I have nothing to live for. I can't offer my gifts to the world right now. I don't have any feeling of purpose. All of the great things about my life before are gone. I miss the person I used to be. I feel like I'm grieving not just for my loss of her and for the loss she herself has experienced but I'm also grieving the loss of myself. I was such a happy, upbeat, great-spirited person. A lot of that was because of her, she was the fuel for my fire as I say. She could turn a bad mood around any time easily. A hug from her, a simple "I love you", it was medicine that no hospital, no doctor can give. I could be OK no matter how hard life got as long as she was by my side. Even if she was temporarily gone, I knew she would come back, so I could hold on. But she's now gone forever. There will never ever be another second during which she will walk this earth. I don't know how to deal with that.

I wish I had advice for you on how to feel better, but I can't even feel better myself. For the past few days, every day I wish to die in my sleep. I wish to never wake up. I want to be with her again, but I'd say that even more now, I just want the agony to end. I want the anguish to stop. I am flailing around desperately trying to find some source of relief, something, anything to take even a little pain away. There is nothing. All I can do is take the pain. Even though there are people around, I feel like a prisoner stuck in solitary confinement, stuck to sit with my own thoughts, but without even having the one hour of relief every day. I am in 24/7 solitary. I am going to go insane one of these days it seems. It is kind of humbling that this is all because of one single person leaving the world far too early. But that person was my soulmate, she was my true love. I've been in love before, I've been in relationships, but she was the first and only time I ever truly felt that she could be the one for my entire life. My other relationships were more like time-passers, fun while they lasted but were going nowhere. With my girl, I was ready to give my entire life to her. I was ready to do anything, everything, in my power to make our relationship work. 

I'm sorry I can't give you any uplifting words right now, but maybe just knowing someone understands the feelings might help you... They say "misery loves company", but maybe also "misery needs understanding" applies here. And the only people who truly understand what we are feeling are those who have lost someone to death.

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Numb and Lost,

I really hope you'll make an appointment with your doctor and TELL him what happened and what you're going through.  Ask for an extended visit so he won't be rushed.  You would benefit from some professional grief counseling but I don't think I've ever read that you've made an appointment.  You feel you can't do this and you may be right that you can't do this on your own, so please seek some help with it.

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Numb and Lost

I went to a professional grief counselor one time. I just didn't feel comfortable or feel like it really helped me. I considered looking for another but I just haven't done it yet. I actually went to my doctor right in the middle of one of my breakdowns. He gave me xanax. It definitely helps but sometimes it just makes me go to sleep. I am better at times now, because I was like that every day all day. Like right now I am just severely depressed but I'm not panicking or shaking like I was when I wrote that yesterday. I think that is what happens for a while I am just in this confused numb state so then when it all hits me it's really bad. 

Fzald, misery is definitely better with understanding. Just knowing I'm not the only person having to endure this pain. I don't have anyone to talk to that understands other than on this forum now. My friends that know and even my parents just think I should be better. I feel like they look at me as if I have a mental problem. Well I guess it is a mental problem but it isn't one without cause. 

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Numb and Lost,

I understand your issues with counseling.  I have had similar feelings about professional help in the past.  One of the big problems I had was trying to call up the emotions I was dealing with on a set schedule.  I find that forums such as this are wonderful because you can get out the emotions when you need to, not at some appointed time.

I do think in your particular situation the counselor might really help though.  As you noted, you have a limited group of friends and family that are aware of the situation, and those aren't supporting you in the way you need right now.  Just having a human to express these things to may be needed.  The forums are great, but there isn't immediate response, a voice to express the thoughts we read, or even just the human presence of a friend in the room when you put yourself out there.

You of course know your own grief better than anyone, and I am sure will make a good decision.  I just want to see you get some of the support that I know you both need and deserve.  I'm glad that some of the panic has subsided for now, wishing you more comfort and peace,

Herc

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Numb and Lost

Thank you Herc. I guess I just feel like even if a counselor is listening he/she is still just a stranger and it's his/her job to listen and understand. I know the stages of grief and the things I am supposed to do to "work through it" I pretty much know what they will say already. I've been involved in hospice care and around death a lot in my career. But when its my own grief and pain there really is nothing that can be said to help me. I honestly think if anything coming here helps simply because you all are where I am too and understand. I do have times that I am stable and most of the time I'm functional. But I also have moments like when I wrote that post and I guess I just have to go through them. I feel like I will probably experience those moments at times for the rest of my life. There is still a lot of shock for me at times. Because of our situation we went long periods sometimes without talking. So sometimes I feel like I'm just waiting on him to call me. I dreamed last night that I was going to text him that I missed him and I wondered in my dream if he was going to respond. I always know he is out of reach in my dreams but most of the time in my dream I don't understand why.

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GoldenPoppy

What helped me at the beginning was to try and only get through the next hour...that's all I had to do...the entire day or a week or anything else was entirely overwhelming.  I know there doesn't even feel like a reason to do that, but what you are feeling is exactly what you should be feeling.  I know it doesn't feel possible and it took months to find a sliver of light in the pain and the fear, but it is there, just hidden right now.

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Numb and Lost---KayC is right. Please go back to your doctor and be honest. There is a good chance he can recommend another grief specialist that could work out for you. Some professionals use different techniques or can give you a different perspective or tools for coping. You would be doing yourself a big favor by trying it again. You have no way of knowing what a specialist is going to say or how they are going to approach your situation. I understand your unwillingness in talking to a stranger, but it is in your best interests in healing to receive unbiased help. Best wishes to you.

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Numb and Lost

I am so very sorry for suffering, it comes through so painfully.  I know your pain, it was what I felt and often times still do. My heart is broken by your loss and I pray each day that your hard time passes away and that God gives you that strength, that is already inside of you, to face this excruciating pain.  You are stronger than you think; wiser than you know and the strength within you is stronger than what's in your way.  You CAN do this and you MUST; if not for yourself, than for the children.  These rough times won't last forever, but strong people do.  You don't know how strong you are until being strong is the only option you have.  Strength doesn’t come from what you can do; it comes from overcoming the things you once thought you couldn’t.”   I think God puts struggles in our paths, without them, we would not know our own strength.  God will give you the strength for every battle, wisdom for every decision, and peace that surpasses understanding.

Those emotions will come, but it's OK, let them.  It's OK to cry, God knows I've done it - we've all done it.  Tears are how our heart speaks when our lips cannot find the words to describe the pain.  I call them memories that sneak out of our eyes and roll down our checks.    In Psalm 31:24 it states "So be of good courage, and he shall strengthen your heart, all ye that hope in the Lord".   Courage does not always roar; sometimes it is the quiet voice at the end of the day that says I will try again tomorrow.

I know it's hard; hard as hell, but you, we all, will get though it.  We will not be the same, but we will get through.  Trust in God's Plan.  It's hard to understand why God takes those we love.  I like to think he needs them more than we do.  No one on earth can pretend to know what's in God's plan.  All we can do is have faith in God's word. Faith is power to do great things and knowing not that God can do, but HE will. 

In John 16:33 it states, “These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world.”   This troubling world is not our home; we're simply passing though it.  Our loved ones just went a little ahead of us.  We will definitely see them again - when we get home. Home where peace, love and abundance is.  Where God is. 

KayC and KMB are correct.  You might want to look into some counseling. I'm seeing a grief counseling on a weekly basis and also attend group counseling on a monthly basis.  In the beginning, didn't believe I needed either, but they both are helping me get through this nightmare - and both are wonderful for me and just might help you as well. 

You are in my prayers.  Hugs to you.  Stay strong and be blessed. 

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Numb and Lost

Thank you all. It just makes me cry to know that's you all care. I may give the counseling another shot. I did get a phone number of another one someone recommended. I considered talking to my pastor too but I haven't. 

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Numb and Lost
2 hours ago, Francine said:

 

Numb and Lost

I am so very sorry for suffering, it comes through so painfully.  I know your pain, it was what I felt and often times still do. My heart is broken by your loss and I pray each day that your hard time passes away and that God gives you that strength, that is already inside of you, to face this excruciating pain.  You are stronger than you think; wiser than you know and the strength within you is stronger than what's in your way.  You CAN do this and you MUST; if not for yourself, than for the children.  These rough times won't last forever, but strong people do.  You don't know how strong you are until being strong is the only option you have.  Strength doesn’t come from what you can do; it comes from overcoming the things you once thought you couldn’t.”   I think God puts struggles in our paths, without them, we would not know our own strength.  God will give you the strength for every battle, wisdom for every decision, and peace that surpasses understanding.

Those emotions will come, but it's OK, let them.  It's OK to cry, God knows I've done it - we've all done it.  Tears are how our heart speaks when our lips cannot find the words to describe the pain.  I call them memories that sneak out of our eyes and roll down our checks.    In Psalm 31:24 it states "So be of good courage, and he shall strengthen your heart, all ye that hope in the Lord".   Courage does not always roar; sometimes it is the quiet voice at the end of the day that says I will try again tomorrow.

I know it's hard; hard as hell, but you, we all, will get though it.  We will not be the same, but we will get through.  Trust in God's Plan.  It's hard to understand why God takes those we love.  I like to think he needs them more than we do.  No one on earth can pretend to know what's in God's plan.  All we can do is have faith in God's word. Faith is power to do great things and knowing not that God can do, but HE will. 

In John 16:33 it states, “These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world.”   This troubling world is not our home; we're simply passing though it.  Our loved ones just went a little ahead of us.  We will definitely see them again - when we get home. Home where peace, love and abundance is.  Where God is. 

KayC and KMB are correct.  You might want to look into some counseling. I'm seeing a grief counseling on a weekly basis and also attend group counseling on a monthly basis.  In the beginning, didn't believe I needed either, but they both are helping me get through this nightmare - and both are wonderful for me and just might help you as well. 

You are in my prayers.  Hugs to you.  Stay strong and be blessed. 

I have to constantly ask God for peace. Sometimes I have to stop and ask him to just surround me with it in order to get myself calmed down. I know one day this life will be such a short time in the scheme of eternity but it seems so long right now. I know one day I will understand it all and see why things happen the way they do but it's so hard to get through it right now. I just want to be able to give him a hug one day and see his smile. I had a break down moment in my car and I was pleading with God to let me know what I meant to him somehow because we never really talked about it. If he talked to his friends about me I don't know who. Just as I was pleading again and again that I just wanted to know what I meant to him, I turned on the radio and a song said "if we were face to face I would tell you just what you mean to me. I would tell you these simple truths. Be strong in the Lord and never give up hope" I had something else similar happen like this before I posted about on other threads and yes it could be coincidence but I would like to think it is an answer, that maybe God let him convey that message to me. 

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Numb and Lost

42 minutes ago, Numb and Lost said:

I turned on the radio and a song said "if we were face to face I would tell you just what you mean to me. I would tell you these simple truths. Be strong in the Lord and never give up hope" I had something else similar happen like this before I posted about on other threads and yes it could be coincidence but I would like to think it is an answer, that maybe God let him convey that message to me. 

I am a true believer in prayer and answers to prayers.   When we pray, I truly believe God hears more than we say, answers more than we ask, gives more than we imagine, in HIS time and HIS way.   Don't ignore the signs you asked God to show you.  Receive and believe that your loved one loved was telling you he loves you. That is amazing.  

I pray God gives you this love, peace and strength to get through this difficult time.  Keep strong and be blessed. 

 
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I have started to believe in 'signs' and answers to prayers.

Numb and Lost - your story about the song reminded me of the sign I got when I was at my absolute lowest point since losing my beloved Pat.  It was the worst day I had experienced so far.  I felt like what we had wasn't real, like it was all made up in my mind.  All day I was praying/asking Pat to please just show me one little sign to show he cared about me.  I must have asked this 100 times that day.  Then that night I got a call from a friend of his from jr high/high school, whom I had only met a couple times last summer by coincidence, not even through Pat.  She asked if she could give my phone number to an old friend of Pat's who was at the wake and funeral. I had heard of this person but never met her (except at the wake, but I was so out of it I didn't really remember her).  She said her heart was broken for me and she just wanted to get in touch with me to "tell me how much Pat cared about me".  The exact words I had been praying for all day!  She called me that night and we had the nicest conversation.  We even met for brunch a couple weeks later. I told her the story of my day and what I had been praying for.  She immediately said, "you know that this was all arranged by Pat and he just put us together".  I do believe that.  He helped me at my lowest point.  I have had a few more experiences which I believe are little signs, but this one was a biggie!  It doesn't bring our loved one back, but it does help to reinforce the feelings and know that somewhere, somehow, they are still looking out for us.

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Numb and Lost

It is truly amazing how God answers prayers. It makes me feel good that y'all feel like I do about it. I think my friends think I imagine things to make myself feel better and they think I'm crazy. Perhaps I just have a little more faith than they do. I have to have faith that is all that keeps me going. They don't understand, but I hope they never have to understand how this hurts.  I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone. 

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Numb,

I agree, I would not wish this pain on anyone. I can't think of anyone who deserves to feel anguish like this. I dunno, maybe some of the horrible terrorists and absolutely despicable people who kill for fun or for some absurd reason and actually induce this kind of pain on others, but even then, I don't know if even they deserve this kind of pain. Yet here we are. Every one of us here are good souls at heart, we all are good people. We have good hearts. We have love. We have affection and caring. We want nothing but the best for the people we meet. And yet we are the ones suffering. It feels so unfair. 

But it's also true that nobody can truly understand the depth of our pain. To be honest, even us here can't understand 100% of each other's feelings, because each situation is unique, each person here grieving has their own story to tell, and while we do share the pain, we don't share the experiences that brought us here, the happy past and the memories that we share with our lost loves. 

Nobody should have to experience this pain. Nobody should have to go through this, even those of us who make mistakes, this is not fair punishment. This isn't fair to anyone. But here we are. The universe is truly indifferent. Death doesn't discriminate, death doesn't single out certain people, death just comes and takes people pretty much at random. 

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fzald with respect to the unique aspect, that's how i have felt most of my life. until now, in a sense. this is the first time i've felt like i have something in common with humanity... although i don't go outside and think hey that person has gone through the same thing. but given the sadness and emptiness it's one experience that destroys you no matter who you are. some are fortunate enough not to see their loved ones die. but many will and it's horrible forever. however I suppose some people are able to cope better, whatever that means I don't know. but I do agree that we don't share those specific memories. that is really unfortunate. I wish we could all empathize instantly.

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Some people do seem able to "cope" better. But I think that everyone who experiences this sort of loss has to grieve somehow. Grief can't be avoided. We want to avoid it because it hurts so much, but it's kind of like going through painful surgery. We either go through it, and hopefully come out the other side better with maybe some therapy, or we don't go through with it and suffer forever.

Even though we can't fully feel each other's memories and lossses directly, we can all of course empathize with the feelings of loss themselves. All of us know how hard it is to deal with the finality of death. Regardless of the lives we had before that we were so sadly and forcefully made to leave behind, we all share the commonality of having lost someone very dear and close to us to the irreversible finality of death. 

I am still doing terrible. But I am trying to take it second by second. Every breath I take is another breath I get to take that my girlfriend didn't get to. I went by her house today on my way for food and had to stop and just let myself hurt. I couldn't even cry, but the pain and the anguish was there. She belongs there, not in the ground forever.

I wait for the day I find a little peace. This week has honestly been the worst since she died. It's now been 6 weeks since I saw her alive. Six short weeks, 42 days, a million lifetimes. 

The empty feeling is just incredible, so unbearably painful.

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12 hours ago, Numb and Lost said:

It is truly amazing how God answers prayers. It makes me feel good that y'all feel like I do about it. I think my friends think I imagine things to make myself feel better and they think I'm crazy. Perhaps I just have a little more faith than they do. I have to have faith that is all that keeps me going. They don't understand, but I hope they never have to understand how this hurts.  I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone. 

Same here; it it wasn't for my faith in God, I don't know if I would make it.  Sure it hurts like hell, but just knowing and believing in God's word makes me strong.   Everything in our lives has changed and yet, we are more you than we've ever been.  The next time you think of beautiful things, don't forget to count yourself in. 

My prayer is that the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in HIM and through the power of the Holy Spirit you may overflow with hope.     God Bless and keep you, keep us all, safe.

 
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1 hour ago, Francine said:

Same here; it it wasn't for my faith in God, I don't know if I would make it.  Sure it hurts like hell, but just knowing and believing in God's word makes me strong.   Everything in our lives has changed and yet, we are more you than we've ever been.  The next time you think of beautiful things, don't forget to count yourself in. 

My prayer is that the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in HIM and through the power of the Holy Spirit you may overflow with hope.     God Bless and keep you, keep us all, safe.

 

Thank you. My hope is definitely of the day when he wipes away every tear and death is no more. This article gives me a little encouragement that maybe it's soon.

(Christian point of view article following)

http://www.unsealed.org/2015/11/2017-to-2024-tribulation-theory.html?m=1 

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11 hours ago, fzald said:

Some people do seem able to "cope" better. But I think that everyone who experiences this sort of loss has to grieve somehow. Grief can't be avoided. We want to avoid it because it hurts so much, but it's kind of like going through painful surgery. We either go through it, and hopefully come out the other side better with maybe some therapy, or we don't go through with it and suffer forever.

Even though we can't fully feel each other's memories and lossses directly, we can all of course empathize with the feelings of loss themselves. All of us know how hard it is to deal with the finality of death. Regardless of the lives we had before that we were so sadly and forcefully made to leave behind, we all share the commonality of having lost someone very dear and close to us to the irreversible finality of death. 

I am still doing terrible. But I am trying to take it second by second. Every breath I take is another breath I get to take that my girlfriend didn't get to. I went by her house today on my way for food and had to stop and just let myself hurt. I couldn't even cry, but the pain and the anguish was there. She belongs there, not in the ground forever.

I wait for the day I find a little peace. This week has honestly been the worst since she died. It's now been 6 weeks since I saw her alive. Six short weeks, 42 days, a million lifetimes. 

The empty feeling is just incredible, so unbearably painful.

I am able to find moments of peace now without the panic, but I haven't overcome the depression. I don't really think I will. Like you said it's just an emptiness. I have gone to places we met each other at and just sat there and cried a few times. The last time I saw him we both happened to be on our way home from the same town so we pulled over on the side of the highway to see each other for a bit on an off ramp. I went and parked there one day and just cried for 20 min. I could just see his headlights behind me in the rearview mirror. It hurts so much to remember something as clearly as if it were happening today but knowing you will never experience it again. 

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You hit the nail on the head. The idea that an experience that feels so recent, so close, so easily remembered, is gone forever. I can remember going to her apartment to see her, I remember going to the restaurants near work, the mall, all sorts of places. We did all of these things only a month and a half ago. It still feels like she's just gone temporarily, and that in some time I'll find out she's back, she's alive and that it was all a horrible misunderstanding. That I will be able to relive all of the great experiences we had again.

I dreamt of her again, same as before, that she's alive and well and everything is normal. No messages, no "I'm ok, it's great here", no "take care of yourself." Just dreams where we're still happy and together. 

Every day I ask myself how I will ever go on. Every day I find yet another reason to be sad and miss her. Every day I wonder why I am still here. Why I am still breathing. Why I am stuck here in this horrible reality all alone without my soulmate.

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23 hours ago, Numb and Lost said:

I guess I just feel like even if a counselor is listening he/she is still just a stranger and it's his/her job to listen and understand. I know the stages of grief and the things I am supposed to do to "work through it" I pretty much know what they will say already.

They usually say to give a counselor three tries and then try another one if that one isn't helping.  In your situation, I would think it would be beneficial to have someone hear you and validate your grief because you're so on your own with it.  But a counselor should do more than just listen, they should recommend some things, they should help guide you through the maze of grief.  It's hard to see what to do or even how to think when you're in the throes of it.  Brain function goes by the way in early grief.  That you have some level of functioning is good.  

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18 hours ago, Numb and Lost said:

I considered talking to my pastor too but I haven't. 

Most pastors are not trained in grief.  My pastor said he wouldn't have a clue how to help someone in grief, that's why they have ME leading a grief support group, we have a lot of people in the church and community that have lost their spouse and there's never been a group here before.

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18 hours ago, Numb and Lost said:

a song said "if we were face to face I would tell you just what you mean to me. I would tell you these simple truths. Be strong in the Lord and never give up hope"

It sounds like a fitting answer!

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1 hour ago, KayC said:

They usually say to give a counselor three tries and then try another one if that one isn't helping.  In your situation, I would think it would be beneficial to have someone hear you and validate your grief because you're so on your own with it.  But a counselor should do more than just listen, they should recommend some things, they should help guide you through the maze of grief.  It's hard to see what to do or even how to think when you're in the throes of it.  Brain function goes by the way in early grief.  That you have some level of functioning is good.  

I definitely believe you about the brain functioning going. Sometimes I wonder if I'm getting dementia at 33. One day I couldn't remember a phone number I've dialed every day for years. It came to me eventually but for a moment it was like I had amnesia. 

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If it's any consolation, most of the brain function returns, although I can't say completely for everyone.  I never felt I was 100% as good in my job as I was before.

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8 hours ago, KayC said:

If it's any consolation, most of the brain function returns, although I can't say completely for everyone.  I never felt I was 100% as good in my job as I was before.

It seems to be simple things I forget. 

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I still find myself forgetting things all the time.  I never used to, I was the guy that answered the "where is my purse, where are my keys, where did I leave my glasses" questions.  The first two weeks, I was trying to carry and keep charged four cell phones, both of our work phones and both of our personal phones.  I kept losing them, losing the chargers, losing my keys, losing my wallet, everything.  It has gotten better, but the other day I got 40 minutes into my commute before I realized I left my work laptop at home.  I guess my mind is just occupied by other things.  I hope it ends soon and goes back the way it was.  I know I am going to end up locking myself out without a phone some day soon if it doesn't.

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At first I was forgetting even the simplest things. I would tell people things that I had already related to them previously, I would completely forget where I was driving too sometimes and had to spend a few moments gathering my thoughts together. Eventually though I started to get it together but I still find myself forgetting things. One of the things Stan always admired was my ability to remember even the littlest things. Now he would be surprised at my forgetfulness. He depended on me alot for my memory. Now he might just laugh. I do hope all of our minds are restored.  

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I find that I'm having trouble with forming eloquent sentences in person. On this board I can take my time and write and rewrite posts and stop and think about what I'm saying. But sometimes in work meetings, or even around friends, I find I can't express myself in words. I always have been great with words, my girlfriend admired how I could use language to be so expressive, and she herself strove to be the same way. Now sometimes in person I find myself using simple sentences with elementary words, and with little depth or meaning. Or I just say "You know... the... thing like.." and stammer on a concept for a while that should be easy to put words to. 

I work in a highly technical field, and my job requires a lot of attention to detail. Because of this I've had to seriously pull back on work. I'm working half-days for the most part, thankfully my supervisor is extremely understanding of my situation, particularly because my girlfriend worked at the same office, so he's been very accommodating. But I still hate that I don't have even a sizable portion of my previous functional level back yet. 

The week my girl was unconscious, I actually did just fine. I was scared, but fear is different than grief. I could remind myself that she's still alive, there is still hope. There was no need to clean out her desk or take her name off the board, because at that point she still could potentially have come back to work. It truly was, at that point, just an interruption, that she'd be gone, this time for an unknown length of time, but that she was supposed to be back. The day she died is when I lost my function. Working has been all but impossible since then. I have to triple and quadruple check my work and still miss things. I locked myself out of the office a few times because I left my key card in the office itself. I forgot to bring things to work I needed to bring, and forgot to bring things home from the office I intended to. But I can't stop thinking about her and her being gone. That is the front and center thought in my mind and has been for the past 6 weeks, since she died. 

I still have the text message, where our friend told me that she was in critical condition, but "she is still alive". The "still alive" part is what gave me hope. At the time, I read those two words over and over. That was what gave me the strength to keep myself together. As long as she was still alive, there was still hope for her to come back. My function did maybe drop a tiny bit that week, but no more than it might if I had gotten upset because someone had just picked a fight with me. Or if I was just having an off day. But when she died, my brain totally shifted. It went from "holding it together and forging ahead" to "falling deeper and deeper into the pit". 

I want to hope that someday I'll have my "oomph" back, that the things I am prided for in this life, the things I am appreciated for at work, will return. I know I'm not pulling my "fair share" at work, and that makes me feel even worse, because I would still like to be able to. But with my girlfriend gone, as I have said, a part of me is gone too. She took part of me with her to the next life. That part of me is what I need most of all now, and I won't be able to have it back until I join her.

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On 3/6/2017 at 11:47 AM, KayC said:

It sounds like a fitting answer!

 

On 3/6/2017 at 11:47 AM, KayC said:

It sounds like a fitting answer!

I like to say so. It gives me a little comfort. 

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Fzald I have had trouble talking lately too. One day I even had some sort of moment where I completely blanked out about what I was saying and it was almost like a stutter came out or some sort of spasm. Sometimes on here I just text it out really fast on my phone paying no mind to commas or checking to make sure auto correct didn't mess something up as it often does. 

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3 hours ago, Nads said:

At first I was forgetting even the simplest things. I would tell people things that I had already related to them previously, I would completely forget where I was driving too sometimes and had to spend a few moments gathering my thoughts together. Eventually though I started to get it together but I still find myself forgetting things. One of the things Stan always admired was my ability to remember even the littlest things. Now he would be surprised at my forgetfulness. He depended on me alot for my memory. Now he might just laugh. I do hope all of our minds are restored.  

I'm worse some days than others. We are just too distracted. 

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